This Bud's For You: BIG MAN: THE FALSE ETRUSCAN (1988)

As anyone who indulges in genre cinema knows, many films can be released with many titles. There are some Germans who have made fortunes buying cheap spaghetti westerns from the '60s and '70s and renaming them to tie into the DJANGO (1966) series, which is factually only two movies, the second of which, DJANGO STRIKES AGAIN (1987) wasn't made until over a hundred other films had the moniker casually slapped on them. BIG MAN doesn't go very extreme in this area, but for some odd reason, the titles got changed to supposedly appeal to foreign audiences. Apparently someone thought that THE FALSE ETRUSCAN was much more of a hook to the English speaking market than the original title THE LAUGHING GIRL. Both tie in, but neither one gives you much of an idea as to what the hell to expect.

Extra large insurance investigator Jack Clementi (Bud Spencer) is about to learn a thing or two about the Etruscan's, though we the audience are assumed to have had this in history class. Speaking as someone who went to American public school, I can tell you that the only thing I learned in history class was that George Washington had wooden teeth and chased Mobey Dick. So before we dive into The Professor's latest... (cue dramatic pause ) The Etruscan civilization encompassed the north and western areas of modern Italy in the years of about 800 BC to 246 BC. They were prosperous and like many other civilizations of the time, they buried their dead in tombs, complete with all of the comforts that they would have had in life. Because of this, the Roman Republic which would shortly become the Roman Empire, gradually took over the Etruscan lands and cities culminating in complete domination by 100 BC. The Romans, being Romans, plundered the Etruscan's for everything of value and destroyed anything they disapproved of, which was basically anything that didn't help them kill people and steal land. In spite of numerous archaeological sites, not much is known about the Etruscan's, so it's a perfect basis for a TV show, because you can basically just make shit up.

Opening with what appears to be an ancient religious ritual involving a bust of a smiling woman, we suddenly find Clementi returning from a fishing trip to his residency hotel, run by the cheerful, but annoying Fernande (Mylène Demongeot). After rudely dismissing Fernande and his driver/assistant Simon (Denis Karvil), quite by accident Jack discovered two articles, one in Time Magazine and one in the newspaper, that claim that the famous Etruscan statue The Laughing Girl is located in two different places. This is intriguing because he knows full well that his employer, Lloyd's of London, has the statue insured by Prince Don Pietro of Roccaferro (Jacques Sernas) for £800,000. After making a phone call to Houston Texas, he finds that the other statue has also been certified as authentic and is also insured for a wad of cash. Clearly this is a matter that needs his very particular set of skills. Well, except for the fact that he has to do a lot of convincing to get both his boss at Lloyd's and his grumpy contact on the police force, Commissario Caruso (Raymond Pellegrin), to let him so much as visit the Roccaferro castle museum, which is open to the public! Apparently all the pushback is from the fact that the Prince is a bit of a touchy prick and nobody wants get him rankled.

After finally getting permission to check out the statue under the pretense of inspecting the state of the art security system, Jack heads up to the fictitious Italian village and on the way helps out a villager who is being savagely whipped by several men on horseback. As it turns out, it ain't just the Price that's a touchy prick, but so is his right-hand man Vasco (Spencer regular Raimund Harmstorf), who doesn't take too kindly to having his brutal dispensation of justice interrupted. I guess we know who is to be slapped this episode!

Jack now gets himself into an inn which carves ham made from wild boar with the fur still on! The innkeeper pets the fur and says that it's "nice and firm, just like it should be". I'm not sure whether this is what passes for a joke in this series, or the scene was written by a vegetarian. I'm not Italian, but I have a decent knowledge of Italian charcuterie and I've never heard of the fur being left on a ham of any kind. In a later scene Jack is served a single sausage (presumably the Italian Diet Plate lunch) which he prods several times with a fork and then pushes away saying "food is to be looked at, not eaten." What the hell does that mean? Is that joke? In this series it seems like the writers are afraid of making jokes, or maybe it's just director Steno, who's films with Bud have tended to less comedic than the norm. There are frequently set-ups for jokes that strangely never have a pay-off. These two scenes seem to be either very low-key jokes for Italians, or something out of a pneumonia-induced fever dream.

Quickly Jack learns that the local gun-shop (??) has connections to the art forgery racket and will be happy to provide him with realistic fake Etruscan artifacts, for a price. After making the deal Jack decides it's time to visit the museum and after Vasco's men try to ward him off, Jack checks out the artifacts and meets the curator Leopold Voltera (Mario Pilar) who appears to be the same person who was performing the ritual in the pre-credit scene! After some discussion Jack makes a deal with Leo to make him a fake that would pass any tests, including a carbon dating test! Man, this is going to be a long episode if we have to wait a month or two to get this fake that we still don't know how it fits into the plot. Fortunately Leo has mad pottery skillz as he tells Jack that he'll have it done by tomorrow. Granted the statue in question bears absolutely no resemblance to any actual Etruscan artworks, but still that seems quick.

As it turns out, Jack's cunning plan is to have Simon switch the Prince's statue with the new fake which will be caught on camera and will then give Jack the scoop based on the reaction. If the Prince files an insurance claim, the statue is real, if Jack suddenly gets nostril deep in trouble, then we know the statue is fake. Foolproof, right? Unfortunately for Jack, the people who he hires to test the stolen statue alert the cops who promptly arrest and interrogate him. The police, including Commissario Caruso, seem to legitimately think that the famous insurance investigator actually masterminded this bumbling scheme to steal the statue.

After Vasco's men kill Leo and make it look like a suicide, we discover that Leo really was a genius as he has a big red button built into a boulder about 50 feet from the cave in which he makes all his forgeries. According to his wishes, his forgery dealing buddies, discovering his death, press the button and blow the living crap out of his lab for no adequately explained reason. I say "no adequately explained reason" because apparently Leo left behind a tape for Jack to play in case of his demise. On it Leo rambles on about being not of this world and not wanting anyone to possess the real Laughing Girl which possesses powers and... oh jeezus, somebody pass me the Robitussin, I must be hallucinating again! Oh and nobody seems to notice the giant fireball and smoke cloud coming out of the middle of the forest. Aside from getting busted by the cops, Jack's master plan actually works and suddenly he has a target on his back during one of the Prince's hunting parties, with Vasco and his men looking to take him back to the castle, stuffed and mounted.

While this is a big step up from the opening episode, BIG MAN: DRUG POLICY (1988), Steno has a way of not making use of situations to deliver much of what people want from a Bud Spencer outing. As VJ co-conspirator William Wilson pointed out, we have Jack being shadowed by Vasco's men in the museum full of glass cases of antique artifacts which he has been told are "priceless". This seems like a perfect set-up for a brawl to break out with badguys being punched and thrown through the displays. At the last minute, right before all hell breaks loose, the day is saved and we get no fight, not even a broken trinket. We do, however, get a bit of hide and seek in a labyrinth of Etruscan tombs that look so realistic that I was waiting for Sigmund the Sea Monster to show up at any moment. While even Forrestal would be in no danger of cashing in around this place, you have to take what you can get some times.

It's also fun to see the late German genre great Raimund Harmstorf show up as the villain and have quite a few scenes with Spencer. His role is somewhat limited to a lot of scowling and the occasional intimidating smile to show off his almost Erik Estrada-like dental work, but his presence is always appreciated. Harmstorf got his start in German television in the 1960's and his first feature film turned out to be David F. Friedman and Adrian Hoven's THE LONG SWIFT SWORD OF SIEGFRIED (1971), which in turn with his second film, the notorious grindhouse classic BLOODY FRIDAY (1972) cemented him as a genre icon. He went on to appear in such other cult classics such as Enzo G. Castellari's THE INGLORIOUS BASTARDS (1978) and Fabrizio De Angelis' THUNDER WARRIOR (1983). He also appeared in the Terence Hill solo project A GENIUS, TWO PARTNERS AND A DUPE (1975) and the Bud Spencer solo project BULLDOZER (1978). Harmstorf worked steadily, mainly in Germany, until his tragic suicide in 1998 at the age of 58. Like so many others, he is gone but not forgotten.

While delivering only slightly more action than your average episode of MURDER SHE WROTE (1984-1996), this is definitely getting the series on more stable footing. Not one precocious child is to be found.

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This Bud's for You: BIG MAN: DRUG POLICY (1988)

By the mid-1980s the profitable partnership between iconic screen duo Bud Spencer and Terence Hill was coming to an end. Starting with GOD FORGIVES, I DON’T (1967), the pair would co-star in 16 films over the next 18 years. (Note: The duo did reunite in 1994 for THE FIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.) Amazingly, while operating as a popular on-screen combo, both men also had success in their own features. Hill got a Hollywood call up with the 20th Century Fox production MR. BILLION (1977) and SUPER FUZZ (1980), while Spencer headlined popular films such as four entries in the FLATFOOT series and two sci-fi movies (1979's THE SHERIFF AND THE SATELLITE KID and its sequel 1980's WHY PICK ON ME?) co-starring the kid from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977). However, after MIAMI SUPERCOPS (1985), both men went their separate cinematic ways. Hill reunited with TRINITY director Enzo Barboni (aka E.B. Clucher) to make the modern action-comedy RENEGADE (1987). Spencer remained with their other director, Bruno Corbucci, to make the much-maligned ALADDIN (1986). And despite television increasing their popularity worldwide, neither man had explored that medium until now. 

Interestingly, according to Variety, producer Elio Scardamaglia - who had previously worked with Spencer on films like CHARLESTON (1977) - was looking to sign Spencer to a TV series called THE OFFICE OF UNSOLVED CASES for RAI in May 1986. So going to the boob tube suddenly seemed a viable option; that or the acrid reviews of ALADDIN told him he needed to get back to basics quick. Either way, by October 1986 Spencer had committed to BIG MAN for the Cecchi Gori Group and Silvio Berlusconi’s ReteItalia. (Yes, the same Silvio Berlusconi who later became the Prime Minister of Italy and resigned in disgrace; we’d like to think it was for not making Bud Spencer’s birthday a national holiday). When first announced the series was pitched as a dozen one-hour episodes. By the time filming began in spring 1987, the production had settled down for a more manageable six feature length films. Since its inception the director attached has always been Stefano Vanzina. Credited mostly by the moniker Steno, he had a history with Spencer as he had directed him in the FLATFOOT series. Who better to guide Spencer into this new foray than someone who had guided him as Inspector “Flatfoot” Rizzo? However, this time his enquiries would take place outside of law enforcement as Spencer now became insurance investigator Jack Clementi for this new series. 

BIG MAN rumbled onto Italian televisions in November 1988 with the first episode, DRUG POLICY. The plot kicks into gear quickly as a drug shipment is confiscated at an Italian airport. Back in London, the stiff upper lips at the insurance house Lloyd’s of London are freaking out because the FBI has informed them that they have been handling policies that insure the drug shipments. Mr. Winterbottom (Geoffrey Copleston) decides they need to hire Jack “The Professor” Clementi (Spencer), an insurance investigator who “is extravagant, but his methods work.” Clementi is introduced residing in a seaside hotel on the French Riviera where his favorite pastime is complaining about the cooking of his landlady, Fernande (Mylène Demongeot). He gets the call from Lloyd’s and soon has his driver/right hand man Simon Lecoq (Denis Karvil) driving him to the airport. Once in Rome, Italy, he meets up with old pal Inspector Caruso (Raymond Pellegrin, who played a lawyer in the first FLATFOOT film), who cheerfully states “the moment you are here trouble starts.” Hey, that should be good for business!

Back at his hotel, Clementi is surprised by Simon’s arrival and he quickly assigns him the task of locating the woman whose luggage contained the drugs. Clementi dives into his investigation and apparently the filmmakers wanted to go for realism as it involves lots of Bud pounding the pavement and talking on phones. Looooooots. Clementi finds about an arrested courier named Francesco and learns from him about another dealer named Yoko the Tunisian. Unfortunately, Yoko is dead when he gets to him and Clementi is beaten by some thugs who want to know his reason for being there. He convinces them he was looking for a smuggling job and Clementi soon finds himself a drug courier headed to Palermo. His point-of-contact in that city is a streetwise 8-year-old named “Sewer Rat” (Antonino Licausi). “I’ll call you Sam,” Clementi says and then assures they will be “pals for life” to the kid. His definition of “for life” must be different than mine as the kid apparently isn’t in any other episodes of the show. Hey, didn’t I also get the “kid” episode from WE ARE ANGELS? What is going on here, boss man?

Clementi gets back to Rome and completes the clandestine trade of the drugs for 800 million lira. Amazingly, Inspector Caruso is a bit peeved Clementi put that much heroin onto the street, but Jack can’t be bothered with pesky details like that. Damn, his methods are extravagant! Anyway, all of this investigating leads Clementi to the drug kingpin, Don Carmelo (Armand Meffre). We know he is evil because he eats cannoli by the plate full. Oh, and he also has anyone within a whiff of his operation snuffed out. With Clementi closing in, Carmelo knows the only way to get the big man to back off and kidnaps his new BFF Sam. This results in the episode’s only big action as we get a car chase toward the end as Clementi kidnaps the Don to get the kid back.

True story: We originally planned to write up the BIG MAN series after we did the EXTRALARGE series four years ago. However, both Tom and I watched it and came to the conclusion we weren’t feeling it. It is not that BIG MAN is terrible, but the opening episode is a bit of a drag compared to Spencer’s later TV efforts. For whatever reason, the makers decided to play it almost 100% straight, forgetting that one of the things folks appreciated from Spencer’s films (both solo and with Terence Hill) was the comedy. Oh, and some action. Spencer does have a couple of Spencer-esque fights, but they are pretty short. It also didn’t help that the plot wasn’t very engaging. It is the basic “go find this guy, get info, find this girl, get info, find this guy” template. By the end I had no idea what was going on, even when they have Spencer doing a MURDER, SHE WROTE style wrap up in the Lloyd’s boardroom. If there is any positive here, it is that things can only get better after the first entry. Perhaps the biggest highlight of this episode is the opening credits, which delivers a memorable theme song by the De Angelis brothers and promises more fisticuffs and head slappin’ down the line (as pal Mark Tinta said, “That intro needed more Spencer punching. I was waiting for him to punch his own face in that last shot.”) Check it out below and then find yourself humming it for the rest of the day.

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This Bud's for You: WE ARE ANGELS (1997) Complete Series

Here is an easy way to navigate our coverage of Bud Spencer and Philip Michael Thomas' WE ARE ANGELS, the complete series. We hope you enjoy reading our coverage as much as we did writing them!

Stars Bud Spencer and Philip Michael Thomas
Directed by Ruggero Deodato

WE ARE ANGELS: TWO FACE JAIL
Guest stars: David Hess, Kabir Bedi

WE ARE ANGELS: FINALLY WE FLY
Guest stars: Marc Macaulay, Kabir Bedi

WE ARE ANGELS: IN SEARCH OF EL DORADO
Guest stars: Erik Estrada, Richard Liberty

WE ARE ANGELS: LUCK IS RAINING FROM THE SKY
Guest stars: David Hess, Kabir Bedi

WE ARE ANGELS: DUST
Guest star: Richard Lynch, Ty Hardin

WE ARE ANGELS: DOLLARS
Guest stars: Carlo Reali, Sabryn Genet

Click here for our coverage of Bud Spencer and Philip Michael Thomas'/Michael Winslow series' DETECTIVE EXTRALARGE (1992) and EXTRA LARGE (1993) and Bud Spencer's BIG MAN (1988).

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This Bud's for You: WE ARE ANGELS: DOLLARS (1997)

Damn, are we at the end already? Yup, the WE ARE ANGELS series was pretty limited in that we only got six feature length episodes. But I’ll be damned if the writers didn’t try to pack in at least 56 plot lines into these shows. DOLLARS is no exception so hold onto your hats for some twists and turns that result in our beloved Father Orso (Bud Spencer) and Father Zach (Philip Michael Thomas) helping overthrow the corrupt Costa Rican government. Yes, really.

This episode starts with Orso and Zach again making one of their now customary trips up river to the city to do work for the monks. Before they leave, Lupita (Mariana Mora) gives Zach a letter to deliver to her father, Lt. Pedro. Naturally, our mock monks are more worried about how they are going to get the extra $8,000 they owe Sagreste (Max Herbrechter) for their plane. They literally receive good fortune when they find a wallet with over $9,000 laying in the middle of the sidewalk. With no ID inside, the boys decide it is another example of divine intervention and proceed to freely spend the cash. They get Father Campana a bunch of cigars and splurge on a multi-course meal (watch for a funny bit where Spencer sips from the finger bowl). Of course, they’re not total hedons and drop some dough on a bunch of toys for the kids in the village. This act draws the attention of a couple of vacationing FBI agents (!) and Orso and Zach split, thinking they’ve been spotted as escaped criminals. What they don’t know is they are peddling some funny money.

The counterfeit bills are produced by an artist simply referred to as Frenchman (because he wears a beret?), the official portrait painter of the President of Costa Rica. It turns out that President Aneto (Carlo Reali) has a plan for these fake bills as he wants to use them against the United States and “bend their economy to my power.” Hey, you can’t fault him for being ambitious, if not slightly deluded. So he doesn’t take kindly to his employee spending the money freely or the FBI poking its head around just as the U.S. Secretary of State is planning a visit. He orders his men Ruiz and Ortega to take out the FBI guys. Also, just so you know this guy is evil, he is introduced listening to a lady sing an opera aria. *shivers in fear*

Meanwhile, Orso and Zach are completely oblivious they are walking around with crooked currency until they pay off their balance to Sagreste, who immediately spots the fake bills. To make matters even worse, the FBI agents arrest them as accomplices. While Orso and Zach try to explain how they got wrapped up in this at a restaurant, Ruiz and and female assassin (Sabryn Genet) show up and kill the two FBI men. Or so they think as one of them survives. Rather than split, Orso and Zach decided to investigate and go to the hospital to talk to the FBI guy. Of course, they arrive minutes after the assassins finished the job and end up being seen as the killers. Now they have to figure this all out. Not sure why they wouldn’t just skedaddle back to the safety and anonymity of the village, but then we wouldn’t have a show.

Luckily for them, Sagreste is the cousin of Lt. Pedro (small world!) and they locate the Frenchman via his mugshot. Of course, they arrive to talk to him (dressed as plumbers) at the same time the assassins are taking him away on a bus. Hey, didn’t I say this was going to get complicated? Okay, here we go. The Frenchman ends up dead on the street (following a rather scary looking bus stunt) and Orso and Zach search his trashed place. In addition to finding a dispensable assassin’s dead body in the fridge (Bud grabs a beer from his cold, dead hand to sip) they locate the hidden plates for making the fake money. Figuring they need to get the authorities involved, they agree to have Sagreste deliver the plates to a judge who is a “friend of the people.” Of course, anyone with that nickname in a movie is a turncoat and he has Sagreste kidnapped. With Sagreste MIA, our dedicated duo finally go to Lt. Pedro, also delivering Lupita’s letter. Unfortunately, Pedro goes into a rage when he reads it as she said she wants to marry Zach. He throws the two in the slammer, where it is ultimately revealed he has found out they are fake monks (their wanted posters - literally just drawings with no information on them - hang in the lobby). But when Pedro finds out his relative Sagreste has been kidnapped, he agrees to let the guys out as they concoct a plan to stop Aneto. How? Why they’re going back to their old revolutionary pal, Napoleon Duarte (Kabir Bedi).

Good lord! Remember when I said this one would get confusing? I actually got a headache just typing out that plot write up. And I even left out the finale chase that takes place in an opera house. DOLLARS decides we need everything from geopolitical and social commentary to corruption to comedy. It has something for the entire family, especially if your family loves a little serious torture in your entertainment. Yes, at one point we get into serious MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (1978) territory when Sagreste is kidnapped and tortured by Aneto’s thugs. It is easily the darkest moment of the series, especially at the end where Orso and Zach have just completed a comedic brawl in an opera house and then they visit Sagreste curled up in a fetal position in fear. Deodato!

As Tom mentioned in his previous review, this is actually the fifth episode in terms of airing, but we are reviewing it last as he kindly acquiesced to my strong-arm tactics (hey, I learned how to torture from Aneto, what can I say). The truth is both episodes end with kind of a finality seen in a series ender. DUST ends with Spencer’s character getting his own personal redemption, while this one neatly wraps up the recurring people’s revolution storyline with the leads declaring they are now considered “heroes” for their help in overthrowing a dictatorship. Either way, this one closes with our two leads finally getting their plane and seemingly heading to freedom in Miami. In an extra bit of effort, they fly over the village and drop gifts to everyone they have now grown to love. Father Campana gets his cigars (he scolds people for desiring material things before realizing someone has his cigars), Father Raphael gets some paint brushes, and Lupita gets some flowers. Hell, they even parachute some bananas to a monkey. The final shot freezes on both men smiling knowing they have finally achieved their goals and actually done some good in the world.

We may never know if another series of films was planned for WE ARE ANGELS, but it seems unlikely. It is a shame as the chemistry between Spencer and Thomas was great here and further adventures would have been welcomed. However, Bud was pushing 70-years-old by this time and essentially retired from the bustin’ heads business after this. He did a few small parts between 1998 and 2004 and only logged in two more features; he did a kinder looking kids movie TRE PER SEMPRE (1998) and reunited with Deodato for the TV drama FATHER HOPE (2005). Spencer ended his storied career with the limited series RECIPE FOR CRIME (2010). However, don’t worry as our Budsploitation is only beginning. We’re fans of the big maaaaan so look for more reviews in the near future.

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This Bud's for You: WE ARE ANGELS: DUST (1997)

After surviving the dreaded "precocious child syndrome" of the previous entry, LUCK IS RAINING FROM THE SKY, we return to more manly pursuits. Like chasing girls, getting revenge and shooting people with coconuts.

As we quickly find out, the "dust" in the title refers to gold dust, as a scoutmaster unexpectedly finds a vein of gold that runs from his troop's campsite in the jungle all the way through our troubled tabernacle of San Rolando. In addition to abusing his authority with the kids (he always wins at painball wars), he is just a lousy human being in general. Instead of being a generous soul and telling the padres of their good fortune, he promptly takes this news to the local crime lord, Don Alfonso Santillana (Richard Lynch), who in turn heads straight to the bishop of the diocese with a cash offer to buy the mission and village. His angle is that he is going to build a resort there which will benefit the entire area, as well as the church's coffers. Naturally the bishop thinks this is just a dandy idea and signs over the now doomed San Rolando!

Meanwhile, Father Zach is having a complete meltdown after suffering from a massive case of "Budus Interruptus" while trying (again) to put the unholy moves on the innocent, but beautiful Lupita, who also happens to be the daughter of the local police chief. Aside from not wanting to blow their cover, the last thing the phony Father Orso wants is more trouble with la policia, or the rest of the village for that matter. Father Zach loses his shit so completely that he runs screaming into the chapel shouting "I need a woman!" to which Orso explains to the other monks, "he needs his mother". He also screams that he wants to "poison my body with hot dogs dipped in petrol-based mustard". A New Yorker slandering hot dogs? Now you know he's lost it! Actually, I'm pretty sure no Italian screenwriter would ever write this for an American character and that Thomas took some liberties with the line. Thomas has been a vegetarian since 1967 and promotes a vegan lifestyle on his official website. But that's ok, PMT, we forgive you. Call us?

 Anyway, this  gives the boys a good excuse to take a pilgrimage into the wild jungles of South America, or at least a couple of dusty roads, to visit an exorcist, and uhhhh, "renew their faith". Their excursion leads them to visit a blind self-proclaimed exorcist (Ty Hardin), who must really have the lord guiding his hands as he sports a perfectly trimmed beard and a neatly drawn cross on his forehead! In addition to that, the blind man can literally point them in the exact direction of the nearest resort, which is conveniently loaded with bikini'd babes and fruity drinks - because, as we all know, you can't properly enjoy a sabbatical without the presence of a small paper parasol in your beverage. And the hot babes don't hurt either. Unfortunately, their fun - err, I mean the "expiation of their sins" - is brought to a halt by news of Don Alfonso's plan for the imminent destruction of San Rolando.

On the way back to Father Zach's bamboo and orchid filled hell, we learn that before being thrown in jail, Father Orso / Bob was an honest business man, who made a living running a nightclub in the city with a woman named Mary. After refusing to sell out to crime boss Don Alfonso Santillana, the cops find a stash of drugs in the nightclub leading to Bob's trip to la pinta and the loss of both his club and his woman, the latter of which reluctantly accepts the job of Santillana's servant. Once back in the village it's time to prepare for war! Well, primitive, cartoon war anyway. In addition to setting traps like a big pot of cooked beans laced with hot peppers, we also get harmless fun like bamboo cannons that shoot coconuts, buckets of goo set above doorways and pools of liquid that set people on fire! Yep, harmless fun. This primitive warfare culminates with a wild and woolly donnybrook between Father Orso and Don Alfonso - or rather between Bud Spencer and Richard Lynch's stunt doubles. No matter, it's still one I can scratch off of my "Bud Spencer Wish List." Let's see, we've had Bud Spencer punching Michael Berryman, check. Bud Spencer knocking out David Hess, check. And Bud Spencer suplexing Richard Lynch? Hell yeah, check!

While not the masterwork that EL DORADO was, this is one of the better episodes, that is once again packed with subplots and sports a great leading villain. I have never seen anything that Richard Lynch has been in where he isn't giving 100%. The only times I have seen him not give 100% is when he's giving 110% (see the 1993 Lovecraft anthology NECRONOMICON for a perfect example of this). Here, even though he is essentially playing a cartoon villain and doesn't have a whole lot to do before the end of the movie, he is still completely into the part and brings everything in the production up a notch. It's also great fun to see the recently passed Western legend Orison Whipple Hungerford Jr. (that's Ty Hardin to you) pop up for a bit part in this one. I wish he had a larger part, maybe having him exorcise someone, or better still, gone on to help wage war on Don Alfonso with Orso and Zach, but I guess that would be too much awesomeness for one episode.

In addition to the moments that have more *ahem* broad-appeal, such as a brawl in a strip-club, there are lots of great little, more subtle moments in this one. For instance, when the villagers are freaking out about Santillana's plan to drive in some bulldozers and flatten everything in sight, the wild-man, Father Torment is the one who advises them to remain calm. Also, there's a nice little bit where Father Zach is furious that their jeep broke down on the way to the exorcist and a, unbeknownst to them, corrupt priest drives past telling the boys that he is too busy to help.
Zach: "He's a priest!!"
Orso: "Maybe he's as much of a priest as we are monks. Are you a monk?"
Zach: "No."
Orso: "Neither am I." (shrugs)
It probably loses a little something in translation, but it's little character bits like this that really make the series fun.

Interestingly, there's a little bit of discussion within the VJ ranks as to which episode actually ends the series. This is technically the sixth and final broadcast episode, but it may have been shown out of order in the same way that EXTRA LARGE was. More on that in our final installment, DOLLARS.

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This Bud's for You: WE ARE ANGELS: LUCK IS RAINING FROM THE SKY (1997)

We are over the halfway mark with the WE ARE ANGELS series and things are going pretty good. To bring readers up to speed, the series follows Father Orso (Bud Spencer) and Father Zach (Philip Michael Thomas), two escaped convicts who are posing as monks in Costa Rica. So far we’ve had the “jailbreak/set up” episode, the “rags to riches to rags” episode, and the “search for ancient treasure” episode. And all three were pretty damn entertaining. Nothing can break this streak outside of a “precocious kid” episode and we won’t be having one of...oh, what’s that? This episode centers on a kid? Argh!

Episode 4 opens with our counterfeit clergy penniless once again. They figure to earn a quick $500 by playing ship captain McQuade and a group of his fellow Scotsmen in a game of baseball. Of course, he shows up with a team so Central American that it looks like a modern MLB roster. Orso and Zach’s team is getting whomped until Orso decides to beat up the entire opposing team with each knockout seemingly counting as a score (final score: 24-20!). You know, I’m not much of a baseball fan, but I’m pretty sure knockouts only count when the ball leaves the park; however, after the game McQuade hands them the $500 and says they won it “fair and square.” Jesus, I guess I really don’t know much about baseball. Just so you know this is all supposed to be funny, director Ruggero Deodato fills this opening ten minutes with whistles, drum thumps and even Father Torment trying to make a catch hitting a wall and falling through leaving a human cutout. How do you say Looney Tunes in Italian?

The plot proper for this episode begins with the new village shaman praying for rain. He succeeds instead in bringing down a private plane with one Wolfgang Galveston III (Andrew Taft), the young son of the richest man in Central America, on board. As the captain calls out a mayday, it is overheard in the prison by warden Delgado (David Hess), who figures this is an ample opportunity to extort some cash out of the businessman. Naturally, the kid and his manservant Edward are found by the monks and given care back at San Rolando. Sensing the heat is going to come down on this place, Orso and Zach look to split but find the kid makes them an offer they can’t refuse - a lot of money from his dad for his safe return. So soon Orso, Zach, Wolfgang, Edward and a couple of guides are trudging through the jungle.

As evidenced by the previous three episodes, Deodato and his scriptwriters want as many things going on at once and the events here are no exception. Delgado and a group of his men raid the village, but find the child gone. Meanwhile, our leads are captured by a group of cannibal headhunters in the jungle and placed in giant cauldrons to be cooked. Well, that is until it is revealed the cannibals are actors as part of a “holiday tour” booking for a nearby resort. Jeez, I never knew Sandals offered a CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST package. Back in their element of pretty ladies and colorful drinks, Orso and Zach take a shine to the kid, even with a heartwarming scene of Orso teaching the kid how to swim. It is apparently a task so laborious that it causes Orso’s outfit to change mid-scene.

Of course, Delgado and his men aren’t too far behind. After a rather drunken night, Orso and Zach get one upped and Delgado puts the kid in kidnapped. His plan is to extort Galveston by saying that outlaw revolutionary leader Napoleon Duarte (Kabir Bedi) has the kid and is demanding a $2 million dollar ransom for the revolution. BUT WAIT! What he doesn’t realize is that Napoleon and his right hand man just happen to be eavesdropping in the same hotel lobby when is trying to con Galveston’s men. In the meantime, Delgado is keeping the kid at a local whorehouse. This leads to an awkward scene where the kid hustles the ladies of the night with some magic dice and they all sulk when told to get to work. Also, Delgado’s watchman offers Wolfgang the following life lesson: “Wine, tobacco, and women make a hombre their slave. He quickly ends up in the grave.” It should be noted he delivers this sage advice while holding a beer. Orso and Zach decide to enlist the help of their friend Sagreste (Max Herbrechter) to save the kid and hopefully get some of the ransom criss crossing town in a briefcase. As you can guess, this involves lots of twists and turns as money slips in and out of their fingers.

Well, they can’t all be winners. I think VJ head honcho Tom summed it up best when he wrote in an email, “I woke up this morning and I barely remember anything about the movie that I watched last night! I don't know whether I'm going senile or it just wasn't very memorable.” To paraphrase A GUY NAMED JOE (1943), “You’re not senile.” The fourth episode isn’t bad by any means, but it definitely isn’t memorable and mostly by the numbers. But let’s keep things positive and focus on the good and fun aspects. We do get the return of David Hess as the villainous prison warden and get a nice wrap up for his character. There is also a bit where he threatens to slice up the kid, resulting in a perhaps unplanned LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) homage. I also liked how the story culminated with our leads finally having some money, only to have Napoleon, the revolutionary thorn in their sides, show up to claim “his” money. It is a recurring gag over the series, so you start to anticipate it. I also appreciated the full circle ending. Orso and Zach finally have enough money for their plane and are making their long-delayed getaway. Unfortunately for them, Edward has become the new shaman of San Rolando and his first prayer for rain leads to their plane crashing right back in the village they are trying to escape. In keeping with the over-the-top comedic tone, they stumble up into the village covered in black soot. Hell, I’m shocked Deodato didn’t have them blow smoke out of their mouths.

The one big takeaway from this episode is it finally solves the “Bud Spencer and Philip Michael Thomas in dreadlocks” mystery. Back in the day the series was advertised in Variety with a full page ad of Spencer and Thomas in dreadlock wigs. WTF? Turns out it is a scene where they try to blend in during a local carnival parade. Yes, because nothing blends in more than a white guy Bud’s size in dreadlocks. So Tom gets Erik Estrada and Richard Liberty and I get Bud Spencer in dreadlocks. I’ll take it.

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