Halloween Havoc: THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY (1980?)

Some movies are born bad. They are badly conceived, badly written, badly acted and badly produced. They slip into obscurity and sometimes, on occasion are dug out of obscurity by the filthy few of the truly obsessed so we can all gather around and say “yep, that movie sucks!” Then there are movies that are every bit as bad but refuse to go quietly. They have no redeeming features whatsoever and yet manage to be widely distributed and continue to make money while everyone stands around with mouths agape saying “yep, that movie sucks!” Such is THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY.

Shot on what appears to be 16mm in what appears to be 1980, the film was shelved (or more accurately, dug out of a closet) in 1988 and released during the DTV boom. At that point, much like now, you could throw anything horror themed out on video and you could make bank. The crazy thing is that unlike many of the more celebrated schlock of the era, such as BLOOD CULT (1985), THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY sported none of the exploitation elements that you’d expect other than a “deranged” killer (we know he’s crazy because his eyes are always popped wide and he tilts his head back and forth) and yet still this movie persists and even thrives on the home video market.

Heeeeey...

This film is one of those films that is absolutely terrible in all the right ways (except for a lack of cheesy gore). The film hits the ground running with a credit that reads “B&S Productions”, which these days would be smirky humor by hipsters who are showing that they know they are making a Bull Shit movie. Here it is actually executive producers Bill F. Blair and Betty S. Scott. But man, it sure is an amusing coincidence. The essential premise is that a maniac has escaped a local hospital with scrubs and a scalpel and is carving up a path directly to the house of the doctor who performed the frontal lobotomy on him. Of course that very night is the night that the doctor’s daughter is having the weakest slumber party ever with a couple of friends from school. Eh, what more do you need really? I'm good with that.

Teh hawtness!

At the local highschool, a classroom of “kids” who have apparently been held back for about six or eight years. We know that they have been held back, not because they are too old even for college, but because they are stoked on the fact that one of the guys has a “super watch” that actually counts time in seconds. Damn man, is this a sci-fi flick or what? Crazy! The guys talk a bunch of crap about how one guy is a dork (Rick Polizi, named “Science” because he wears scrubs to school and is fascinated by poking the vertebrae of a cheap plastic anatomy skeleton), and how Chris (Jan Jenson) “isn’t wearing a bra again!” While the soundtrack plays a song written for a casio synthesizer that includes the lyrics “let’s go out tonight, let’s go out and boogie”, Chris and her friends Tracy (Nancy Mayer) and Linda (Joann Whitley) discuss their plans for a slumber party. Unfortunately they can’t go to Chris’ house because last time someone invited “that bohemian football player”! What? Since when do highschool kids use the word bohemian, except when referring to a famous Queen song? And since when are football players bohemian?! What did he do? Paint impressionist still-life on the walls after doing wine-barrel stands?

So it’s decided, Linda’s house it is, even though she claims that the conditions are  “no guys and no drinking.” To which Chris exclaims “Tommy and Billy have snuck into a million houses before, it’ll be a piece of cake!” Uhhhh, yeah, sounds like you got a couple of keepers! Hell, the house is so big that no one would ever know there was a party going on there at all. Not even the audience.

Linda’s house is something to behold all right, it’s a bi-level plantation-style mega-house complete with Doric (or is that Ionic?) columns and a sculpted yard. Dad (David Whitley) is a rich doctor, who you know is rich because all the young nurses are hot for him even though he’s balding, pasty, and has all of the personality of a dishtowel. Too bad his richness doesn’t extend to the inside of the house! Phew!

Woooo! Par-taaaaaay!!

With the party in full-swing, by this I mean the ghetto blaster is cranked up and the girls are spasmodically jumping up and down, Dad comes home and gets cranky turning down the LP so they can hear a special news bulliten about the psycho who has just killed a nurse at a bus stop near the hospital. The girls look mildly concerned and as Dad walks off, Tracy says “do you know anything about this Dr. Sickler?” to which Dad replies “well… I just don’t know.” Thanks doc! I've never been a big fan of the old plot-exposition monologue character, but damn, throw us a bone here! Another moment of inspired dialogue comes after the boys show up in Halloween masks and “scare the piss outta those babes”. After a round of “screw you” and “I can’t help it if you are on the rag”, Chris (who looks more and more like a coke-head as the movie progresses) and Tracy have this exchange:

Chris: “He’s such an asshole, I don’t know why I like him”
Tracy: “Because he’s so fucking good looking, that’s why!”
Chris: “Oh yeah? Since when have you been taking inventory?”

Huh? Wait... Inventory? What?

But wait, I almost forgot, there’s a killer on the loose! Finally the killer finds the docs house (so wait, this guy is completely unhinged, had a lobotomy and still managed to escape and find the doctor’s house in a few hours?). After attacking Tommy (Danny David), who merely looks surprised while having his throat slashed and who never should have taken off his shirt in the first place. There’s even a shower scene thrown in here where nothing, except a bare shoulder, shown which makes me wonder why even bother to shoot it in the first place? Then again, this movie completely breaks the golden rule of exploitation filmmaking: “Only hot chicks have slumber parties.” Tyler, buddy, I may be a little late with this advice, but lemme tell ya, there are other ways to be a rule-bustin’ maverick. That ain’t a rule you mess with... unless you are making some feel-good female mid-life crisis flick with aging stars trying to recapture their youth.

I guess if you do enough coke,
this totally makes sense.

This movie has more “wtf?” moments than you can shake a remote at: the girls “hide” the booze from the parents on a table in the dining room in front of a floor to ceiling window; because they are having a party, they decide to stash all the phones in the bathroom; Billy spills beer on his shirt and decides to fix the situation he’ll throw the can of beer out of an open window; and seriously, what the hell, did Science actually slash Billy (Lance Descourez) or was that the killer pretending to be Science after having killed him and if so, why did he pop up from under the bed with the mask on? Ghaaaa!

Amazingly writer-director-actor Stephen Tyler (no, you’re thinking of Steven Tyler, now that would have been something) never went on to make another feature film, nor did his cast. I’m guessing his dialogue exchanges didn’t have Hollywood banging on his door. When Tommy disappears while waiting for Chris to get out of the shower, Chris goes looking for him marching over to the closet saying “ok queerbait, isn’t it time you came out of the closet?” and later to the other girls “he’s such a homo, he even took the bed spread!” With such longevity, it's amazing no one has tracked the guy down and interviewed him. Matter of fact there is very little info on this film out there at all. Clearly this is “backyard filmmaking” done with friends and family, but it would be interesting to know what the intent was. If Tyler was using it to get into filmschool, I'm guessing the entry requirements were more stringent back then. I've seen worse student films... then again, I've seen a lot better too.

Added as an afterthought for the late ‘80s home video market, a couple of tracks by the band Firstryke were added to the soundtrack. Back in the early ‘80s (ok, ok, and even today), I was heavily into the metal scene and have a fairly solid knowledge of bands of the era and Firstryke (presumably pronounced “First-Strike” and not “Furs-Tryke”) was a new one on me. Hailing out of Oklahoma, sporting only a single album and a sound that is comparable to every other damn band that came out of the LA scene at the time, Firstryke actually seemed to gain a career being associated with this film. Their one and only album “Just a Nightmare” actually got re-issued last year and they have regrouped to do tours. All because of their association with this turkey? Man, if only we could get them on tour with Easy Action!

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Halloween Havoc: LUNCH MEAT (1987)

Quick nostalgia story detour – in the late 80s, the thriving video store in our area wasn’t Blockbuster, but a place named Erol’s Video that used to get everything. Among the chain’s many quirks were that they would cut boxes down so they all uniformly fit inside these bulky Styrofoam laced cases and they would just dump the returned releases in a feeding trough in the center of the store.

One day in the late 80s, my sister and I were hovering around the return standee when the employee unwittingly drops the Holy Grail in front of us – LUNCH MEAT! What?  That tiny flick that had a single page write up in Fangoria that we never thought we would see?  This can’t be.  Sure enough, the colossal red case was quickly ours and we forced our mother to endure yet another humiliation at the checkout counter. Naturally, we were disappointed.  With visions of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE dancing in our heads, we instead got lesson in horror film hucksterism as the movie barely lived up to the promises the (still) amazing cover offers.  This film barely had a pulse.  Of course, that doesn’t stop me from revisiting it some 20 years later to confirm that, indeed, it still sucks.

LUNCH MEAT opens as all films should – with an obese mongoloid redneck carrying a chicken running from his scrawny brothers.  Meet the sons of Paw (yes, they spell it Paw in the end credits): Benny (obese), Elwood (scrawny sans beard), and Harley (scrawny with beard).  These backwoods bumpkins apparently hunt humans and sell the meat to the local restaurants (AAA ones, no doubt).  Cut to the Hollywood sign and a Jeep Cherokee full of six teens heading to Mt. Edgar for the weekend.  Hold on a minute…this is set in California?  Do they have rednecks there?  And why do they have Southern accents? Anyway, back to the car.  Inside we have Eddie (driver), Sue (Eddie’s girl), Debbie (obligatory punkette), Cary (asshole), Frank (love interest for Roxy), and Roxy (final girl, played by one Kim McKamy; more on her in a bit). You can tell they are a wild bunch because they sing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

A Rob Zombie Wet Dream:

Following a bunch of annoying arguing, the kids run out of gas and push the car to Wilbur’s Bar & Grill – World Famous Juicy Burgers.  I kid you not, the sign for this place is one of those old school big letter dot matrix print outs that flaps when wind hits it.  And guess who just showed up with a delivery?  Elwood and Harley!  They proceed to ogle the girls while the guys continue to quarrel (“You’re not allowed to stay at my cabin!”). Our yokels figure out where the kids are heading and decide to set up a false detour in order to “ketchemenkillem.”  So the kids take the bait and soon find Benny lying in the middle of the road. They stop to check on him and he proceeds to kill Eddie and rip his throat out. The hick hunters then jump out and attack, with Debbie losing her head.  Frank and Roxy head off in one direction, while Cary and Sue head off in the other.  All this goes down at the thirty minute mark, which means director Kirk Alex then spends the next 58 minutes draaaaaaagging out the chase through the woods.

I often wonder how films like this get made. I mean, you have a group of people who have enough brainpower to raise money for a film, yet can’t be bothered with the seemingly small detail of making it interesting.  Starting off by ripping off THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is probably the first wrong move. You won’t top it, so you can at least try to outweird it (see BLOOD SALVAGE).  But hulking Benny is no match for Leatherface. Hell, he isn’t even on Buddy (SLAUGHTERHOUSE) Bacon’s level. Debuting director Alex seems to have no interest in imagination and instead opts for the same old stuff. Then again, this guy barely has the capacity to put together a cohesive film. I’m not demanding Hitchcock levels of talent, but perhaps the occasional interesting camera angle or an attempt at suspense would be nice?  His idea of a chase is a single shot where the prey runs across the screen and then we get the predator sluggishly moving along after that.  His idea of dialog is the following exchange mid-chase.

Paw: “Harley!"

Harley: “Paw!”

Paw: “Harley!”

Harley: “Paw!”

Even more surprising is the complete lack of exploitation elements.  If you can’t compete on a technical level, at least wow me with some gooey over-the-top gore effects (see REDNECK ZOMBIES). Again, that damn cover promises me Benny chewing on a severed arm like he thinks he is The Deadly Spawn.  We do get him chewing on some raw meat, but it is a leg, which you only know is a leg because Paw screams, “Stop chewing on that damn leg.”  How dare you! Instead the audience is treated to lame stuff like Paw slashing someone with the fakest machete ever and a severed head that I’m pretty sure was re-used twice.  Most of the time we don’t even see a knife/hook/pickaxe even enter a victim.  That is criminal, especially when you go out of your way to show someone pull the offending weapon from a fake foot.

Most surprising is the complete lack of nudity.  It is doubly surprising because lead Kim McKamy took the porn world by storm a few years – and a stop at a plastic surgeon – later when she debuted as one Ashlyn Gere (a fact that kept the IMDb listing LUNCH MEAT as an adult title for the longest time, ha!).  If you want the audience to remember your flick and you haven’t done it with any other exploitable element, at least throw in some T&A.  If you can’t figure that out, you’re helpless and deserve to be slapped in the back of the head by Roger Corman.  In the end, this LUNCH MEAT is totally rancid (and not in a good way).

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Halloween Havoc: THE DISTURBANCE (1990)

Welcome the official kickoff for Video Junkie’s Halloween Havoc, where we will be covering horror movies exclusively for the month of Shocktober.  We were hoping to start on the first, but the Indiana Jones clones found it necessary to occupy a few extra days. Regardless, prepare for an onslaught of reviews of horror movies from all over the spectrum to get you in the mood for the best holiday of the year.  While you decay your teeth, we will hopefully help you rot your brain.

The inaugural selection is THE DISTURBANCE, an underrated and mostly unknown flick.  This is one of the kinds of movies we love here at Video Junkie – low budget and regionally shot by a one-and-done director.  It might not be on the level of the slick product at the time, but it displays enough creativity/oddity and certainly has its heart in the right place.  The proceedings get off on the right foot with a guy going off about pain in a mental health support group.  One member, Clay Moyer (Timothy Greeson), then tells the group about his recurring nightmare of being chased by a person who then has a demon burst out of their face.

Rob Zombie cameo?

Dude is obviously disturbed.  How disturbed?  He likes to build mega-sandcastles on the beach!  But this is the 80s and we all know the way to a woman’s heart is through detailed sandcastles.  Clay’s sand monument attracts the attention of local hottie/waitress Susan (Lisa Geoffrion). They dig each other and you know what that means – 80s love montage!  Yes, they build sandcastles, play Frisbee and snuggle watching TV while the love ballad singer croons “I get a little spark in my heart.”  The sex is so good that Clay soon finds himself peeping outside a girl’s window and watching her undress before he kills her because she might be that crazy demon who has been haunting his dreams.  And he is seeing stuff like a sand hand grabbing Susan from his beloved sandcastle.  Is this real life or just hallucinations?

We then meet Clay’s parents who are always complaining that he doesn’t do anything but sleep and play with his cat. Wait, this guy lives at home with his parents?  Loser!  Clay then visits Susan at the club and hallucinates about getting it on with the female lead singer of the band. Oddly enough, he still dresses like a dork in his hallucinations.  Things get bad when Susan tells him the old “we aren’t working” line and Clay goes off the deep end.  He takes a shower and imagines Susan in there with him, only to have his mother come in and start laughing at him.  He exhibits the natural response and beats his laughing mother to death.  He then snaps to as his mother knocks on the door to see if he is okay and realizes he has just gutted his cat.  Clay does the right thing and stuffs the bloody carcass in his parent’s clothes hamper.  Hey, he’s disturbed, remember?

This results in an all-around breakdown as Clay is fired from his job washing dishes (he saw bugs everywhere).  You know what a breakup, mental breakdown and firing means, right?  80s sad montage!  We see Clay reminisce about the good times, before he goes to try to convince Susan to work it out.  I don’t think it went well as he leaves a bloody handprint on the door when he leaves the place.  Clay then has a super duper mega-hallucination where he sees blood pour from the laundry basket and a mutant cat head pop out of the laundry machine.  The cops arrive to arrest him, but Clay slices his wrist in the bathroom and is admitted to the hospital.  The delusions continue in the hospital as he sees all sorts of weird shit on people before he escapes.  Clay makes it back to Susan’s house and comes to the realization that he stabbed her to death in the bedroom.  He then runs down the street before the cops shoot him dead and quell the disturbance once and for all.

Made in Southern Florida, THE DISTURBANCE was picked up and released by Double Helix films with the initial VHS coming from VidAmerica.  The film became more readily available as one of the three titles in the first RareFlix set from Media Blasters (alongside the previous reviewed DEATH COLLECTOR and the totally 80s POSED FOR MURDER).  One thing most folks don’t know is the folks at Media Blasters slipped a hidden commentary track on this one and POSED.  Providing remarks and observations fueled by 40oz. Cobra are employees Dave Beinlich, William Hellfire and Richard York.  Don’t let the alcohol mention fool you, these guys actually provide lots of details and info about the film and its makers with editor/DVD author Beinlich even going so far as to track down the actual locations and business owners.  Definitely a nice surprise and a great listen.  Interestingly, American Film Team offers two versions of this film on their website. One is the aforementioned horror flick and the other is a more “serious” look at schizophrenia under the more exploitive title WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE NEIGHBOR’S SON? (something I hear in my neighborhood every day).

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Dr. Jones, I Presume?: CAROLINA JONES AND THE BROKEN COVENANT (2008)

Well, here we are at the end of the road.  Our “week long” coverage of Indiana Jones and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK rip-offs has lasted an astounding 34 days.  We pride ourselves on trying to present the most thorough overview online, but there are still titles (JUNGLE RAIDERS, TREASURE OF THE AMAZON, BIKINI JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF EROS [oh boy!]) that will pop up later on the blog.  Hopefully in 100 years when our grandchildren are worshipping Wyld Stallyns some adventurous future video junkie will discover our coverage and learn something (and probably say, “What losers!”).

Of course, what better way to wrap up the coverage than to peek into the world of the porn parody?  We previously covered Indiana Jones parodies here, but the porn genre is quite a different beast.  Namely because you see folks getting nekkid and doing it for the camera, something HYSTERICAL (1983) was (thankfully) lacking.  Porn send ups are tricky because 85% of the time you will only get a semi-clever send up title attached to a film that opts not to spoof its namesake in the least.  The porn industry was quick to jump on the RAIDERS remake train with the introduction of Indiana Joan in 1984.  Three films (INDIANA JOAN AND THE BLACK HOLE OF MAMMOO [1984], INDIANA JOAN IN THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE [1989] and RETURN OF INDIANA JOAN [1989]) were made with the character.  Not sure how “faithful” they are to the source material as copies were unavailable for review.  Other Indiana Jones porn knock offs include the Private Productions INDIANA MACK (2000), INDIANA MACK II: SEX IN THE DESERT (2001) and the Ron Jeremy starrer SAN FERNANDO JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF POON (2000).  Even the gay industry got in on the action with RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARSE and the amusingly titled sequel RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARSE: THE MUMMY’S HAND.

The business of pornsploitation took a big leap in the new millennium with studios like Adam & Eve, Hustler and Vivid producing films that copied major movies in both title and content.  CAROLINA JONES AND THE BROKEN COVENANT is Adam & Eve’s attempt to cash in on LucasFilm’s 2008 last drop wringing…er…anticipated sequel INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.  Even funnier is the film attempts to be a true sequel, dealing with events from RAIDERS and one of Indy’s offspring.  And let’s just say this one is far more appealing than Shia “Must Have Some Major Blackmail Material” LaBeouf.  The film takes place 25 years after the events of RAIDERS and opens with Carolina Jones (Ava Rose) exploring a cave. She, naturally, happens upon a couple having sex on an altar with sacrifice Dixie (Bree Olsen) tied down nearby.  Carolina saves Dixie by drilling into the man’s skull (apparently this cave has an electrical set up) and throwing a spiked dildo into a monk’s mouth (really!). Carolina and Dixie return to a hotel where they get a telegram that reads “covenant has been broken…find JB…love, dad.” Who is this mysterious father?

Carolina Jones shows her treasure(s):

Using Dixie’s hitchhiking skills, the duo head to the home of one John Brody, Carolina’s former lover (and one assumes the son of RAIDERS’ Marcus Brody).  The guards (including a guy with a long ponytail) prove no problem as Dixie screws one to allow Carolina the opportunity to sneak in.  She finds the blindfolded Brody tied to his bed (as he was just having sex too, duh!) and gets the pertinent info out of him by pouring hot tea on him.  Seems Brody told Nazi Clause (Aron Laszlo) the secret location of the Ark of the Covenant and he is now hiding in Israel.  Are Nazi’s still around post-WWII? And is Israel the best place to try and hide?  Carolina vows to stop Clause and then, for good measure, she pours honey on Brody’s penis and smashes open an ant farm to unleash some hilarious CGI ants.  Man, if I had a dime for every time one of my ex-girlfriends did that to me.

Outside of Brody’s mansion, Carolina breaks down what is going on to Dixie. “My father is Indy Jones,” she says, to which Dixie responds, “No way!  That famous race car driver?”  Carolina also reveals that Brody is her one and only lover.  This absolutely stuns Dixie, who offers, “No wonder you are so tense. You’ve got a pussy.  Use it or lose it.” Carolina takes this sage advice to heart as she immediately gets it on with the bellhop at the next hotel.  Did I mention she has a tramp stamp?  Eventually our duo makes it to Israel and – in a plot move odd even for porn – Dixie’s ex-fiancé Alex shows up out of nowhere. The three of them are quickly captured by Clause’s men and he presents the sacred ark to use “zee pow-her on zee twee of ewe.” Damn, that ark sure got smaller.  Things look hopelessly bleak for our trio before Indy Jones hisself kicks open a door and unleashes a can of whip whoop ass.  All is well as Clause dies and thick accented Indy is reunited with his daughter.  But things need to be patched up between Alex and Dixie and Carolina knows the only way – a threesome that begins with her come on line of, “Now, who wants to find my Holy Grail?” No, I’m not kidding.

Yes, we take our film criticism very serious here at Video Junkie and won’t turn our noses up at something just because it shows real intercourse (unless it has Marlon Brando in it).  For a porn parody, CAROLINA JONES actually manages to both achieve and disappoint. The fact that the filmmakers opted to do a sequel to one of the most famous films of our generation is admirable in a Bruno Mattei sort of way. Unfortunately, they did it with a budget of about $15 bucks.  And while you will get a laugh here and there, the script is definitely not porn send ups finest.  Adam & Eve is one of those porno companies that prides itself on making stuff “for couples” so don’t expect anything too risqué in the sex department.  They should, however, be commended for casting natural girls Ava Rose and Bree Olsen in the leads.  They are both the antithesis of the surgically enhanced, plastic looking ladies who unfathomably dominate the top of the porn industry food chain.  And, surprisingly, they are both decent actresses…by porn standards!  Whew, glad I got that in there.  The funniest thing about this micro-budget porn send up is actually better than The Asylum’s ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS all around from the acting to the CGI bugs.

Bonus treasure for reading the whole review:

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Dr. Jones, I Presume?: GWENDOLINE (1984)

Beating Cannon’s Indy-influenced adaptation of KING SOLOMON’S MINES (1985) to the punch by a year and a half, perceived erotic filmmaker Just Jaeckin released his own version of “King Solomon’s Mines” and watched it fly over (under?) the heads of American audiences. I say “perceived” as Jaeckin himself, naturally, doesn’t feel he should be pidgeon-holed by that label and sees this film as an exercise in comedy. Whatever. As a critic at the time noted in his review of the film, his name really should be “Just Jaeckin Off”. Don’t get me wrong though, this movie rocks.

The basic premise is an innocent girl, Gwendoline (Tawney Kitaen), and her world-wise female valet, Beth (Zabou), have travelled to the mysterious orient of the quasi-1940s to find her father. Her father went missing on an expedition to find a rare, legendary butterfly and Gwendoline is determined to find him. To do so, she convinces Quatermai – I mean, Willard (Brent Huff), a scurrilous, black market trader and all around salty character, to help her out. After trekking through jungles and desserts, and being captured by natives, they find a lost city, not of gold, but of white stone populated by women who are ruled over by an oppressive dictator.

Based on the notorious underground comic strip “Sweet Gwendoline” by John Willie (John Alexander Scott Coutts), Jean-Luc Voulfow script for GWENDOLINE was extensively re-tooled by director Jaekin, who felt there was no humor and too much sado-masochism. Really? S&M in a script based on bondage art? Huh... damnest thing. Where Voulfow’s script left off and where Jaekin’s vision picked up is hard to say, but as it stands the film is loaded with mid-‘80s exploitation value, just in its themes alone. GWENDOLINE beat INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM to theaters by several months (although it didn’t hit US shores until a year later), effectively pre-dating it’s ‘40s era Shanghai location. It also throws in martial arts fights (which, of course Willard wins with good ol’ American haymakers), shoot outs, kidnapping, rescues, verbal sex, gambling, voyeurism, bondage, fantasy torture, domination, cross-dressing, gladiator fights, objectification, imprisonment, and a plethora of other fetishes.

While fetish heavy, the film is light and fast paced with great action including what is possibly the best hero entrance ever: Gwendoline and Beth are tied up in a crime-lord’s office above a gambling den. A grappling hook flies through the wooden-blinds of the office window and embeds itself in the boss’ throat followed by Willard smashing through the slats and swinging into the room. Never mind that in order to swing on the grappling line into the room, the hook would have to be embedded on something at least one story higher, not in the same room, but whatever. Maybe he fixed up a pulley system outside before making his entrance. It could happen.

In the year it took for the film to reach US shores, it got run through the mill as it were. The film was heavily edited with many of the sequences in the lost city shortened and much of the silly French humor removed (particularly any scene where a woman slaps a man). Uncut and widescreen is definitely the way to go here. On the other hand, I kind of like the US title THE PERILS OF GWENDOLINE IN THE LAND OF THE YIK YAK. It’s appropriate as the film is a sexy, deviant riff on the cliffhanger serials that inspired Indiana Jones, and the novel that inspired the serials. It's sort of like FLESH GORDON (1974), except much slicker, sexier and pulpier.  It’s like a metal band covering an older pop song. It should be crunchy and loud with a sense of mischievous fun and if it doesn’t offend someone, then it wasn’t done right.

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Dr. Jones, I Presume?: YELLOW HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD (1984)

If you only had one hour left to live, you’d probably want to spend it reading our Indiana Jones knock off reviews because they have lasted an eternity!  Here we are finally winding down our coverage this weekend with a look at the rarest of Indiana imitations – the female ones!  Yes, producers left no stone unturned when it came to squeezing any juice from the LucasFilm franchise.

Director Matt Cimber (born Matteo Ottaviano) started his directorial career in the 1960s with sexploitation titles.  He moved deftly to blaxploitation in the 1970s with titles like THE BLACK SIX (1973) and THE CANDY TANGERINE MAN (1975), alongside perhaps his best known film THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA (1976). With such exploitation prowess, you just knew he would be hitting the big titles in the 1980s.  He started off with HUNDRA (1983), a female CONAN THE BARBARIAN rip-off starring Laurene Landon in the title role.  The following year he reunited with Landon for deliciously Jones-ian titled YELLOW HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD, an odd combination of western and Indiana Jones.

Hitting you over the head with the serial influence, YELLOW HAIR opens with some rowdy kids in a theater watching the opening of the film.  We are introduced to all of the main characters as onscreen titles give you their history.  The heroes are Yellow Hair (Landon), the Apache woman warrior, and her pal the Pecos Kid (exec producer Ken Roberson).  Cue cheers from the kids.  Then there are evil mute Flores (Aldo Sambrell) and the main villain Col. Torres (Luis Lorenzo), who is described as “ruthless…greedy…and…” insert Torres doing a prissy stance to suggest he is gay.  Cue laughter from the kids.  Yep, it is going to be one of those kinds of movies.

The film jumps right into the action as Flores leads a team to the fortress of gold guarded by the Tulpan tribe.  They arrive using a deer horn with a map on it taken from the captive Pecos Kid, but are at a loss as to where the temple is once they arrive at the designated point. In the mountains they see some of the Tulpan, who have quite possibly the worst supernatural power of all-time as they can turn into statues.  They attack the prospectors with some foam rocks before capturing all but Flores, who gets away with a solid gold arrow in his leg.  Proof there is gold in them thar hills.  Then, in a bizarre choice for a kiddie flick, the Tulpan torture their prisoners, going so far as to cut one man’s eyelids off and dip another in a vat of gold and then lop of his head.

Time to intro our heroine Yellow Hair by having her beat the snot out of one of her fellow Apache tribesmen in apparently a courting ceremony.  It shows her toughness and gives Landon an excuse to show off her wrestling moves from ALL THE MARBLES (1981).  Rape apparently “is the Apache way” says her adoptive mom Grey Cloud.  Yellow then mentions how Pecos had been by recently and mom checks her gold stash to find out a piece is missing along with the horn map. So mom tells Yellow she must bust out Pecos and get the items back so she can pass successfully to the otherworld when she dies.  Wait, how does she even know he is locked up?  Like I said, it is one of those kinds of movies. Yellow heads into town to break Pecos out, which is a long process that involves Pecos yelling “Yella!” a lot (he sounds like he was dubbed by Earl Owensby) and Col. Torres getting grabbed in the crotch even more.  Yup, nothing finer than some "grab the crotch = high pitch voice" humor.

Following the escape, Flores manages to somehow beat them to Yellow’s camp and kill her mother, who left a note for Yellow and Pecos to speak to the “Man Who Knows.”  Thanks for the vague hint, ma!  Apparently they know who he is because they meet him and he looks like Randy “Macho Man” Savage circa 2009. Apparently his name should be the “Man Who Knows Exposition” as he lays out the story of a Tulpan princess who fell in love with his old partner, a Texan with yellow hair.  Hey, I think Yella just found out who her real parents were.  Our duo heads to bar to retrieve the gold from floozy Rainbow and this allows Pecos to display the worst poker face ever.  Seriously, he is dealt four 8s and a 9 and immediately stiffens up in his seat, grinning wildly.  Of course, it won’t matter as you know a brawl will break out after Yellow gets the gold nugget back from the Jurgen Prochnow looking bar owner.

Our duo then head off to Mexico, with Flores again beating them to a location and knowing exactly where they will stop. This leads to a big stagecoach chase, which mirrors the truck bit from RAIDERS.  It is some full circle imitation since Lucas and Spielberg patterned their famous sequence after the stagecoach chases from westerns.  The pursuit abruptly ends when – I kid you not – the bad guys stop to check on a fallen comrade trampled by the horses.  That’s a first.  Pecos and Yellow make it fortress of gold and she opts to live here with her people. Of course, we know we can’t trust them and, after Pecos leaves with some gold, the tribe tries to cut out Yellow’s heart as a sacrifice.  Pecos knew something was up though, so he pops back in and opens fire with his rifle, the sound of which causes the cave to collapse (look closely to see the Styrofoam in the sets as they fall apart).  Our heroes then make it to a nearby town where they are confronted again by Col. Torres.  Then, in one of the most baffling choices ever, the film ends with the duo trapped by enemy fire and then offers “scenes from the next exciting episode.”  So, yes, the film has no ending.  At least Cimber was optimistic about the film being successful (it wasn’t).

A first time viewing for me, this is certainly one unusual flick. On the plus side, the film benefits from some gorgeous locations in Spain and has some nice photography (sadly, the Rhino DVD I viewed improperly displays the widescreen photography at 1.78:1).  Landon is decent in her lead role and there is plenty of action.  On the downside, the film is just full of too many dumb plot holes, which is pretty terrifying when you know how simplistic the plot is.  I actually wish they had gone a bit more into the RAIDERS rip-off territory as the last half is where the film shines the best.  And they are totally trying to be like RAIDERS.  In fact, Cimber even gives Yellow some whip cracking bits during the stagecoach chase and the trailer on the disc has the narrator boldly claim “she’s the female Indiana Jones says the Film Journal.”  I wouldn’t go that far.  She’s more like the female Allan Quatermain.  Wait a sec…

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Dr. Jones, I Presume?: The Aluminum Age of KING SOLOMON'S MINES

Wrapping up the modern adaptations has been fraught with peril more perilous than any of the perils Pauline ever had to face. You’d think in this age of fast-paced, action oriented, mega-budgeted action vehicles that it would be a no-brainer to throw a fedora on a well-groomed head and retread the steps Cannon took to re-invent the turn of the century adventure piece via Indiana Jones. Not so easy as it turns out.

In 1986, the Australian Burbank Film Company decided that the world was crying out for an animated adaptation of “King Solomon’s Mines” suitable for the whole family. The BFC made a career of sorts from ’82 to ‘88 cranking out a slew of literary adaptations of Charles Dickens, Jules Verne, Mark Twain, Robert Louis Stevenson, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and many others. To be fair, the idea of doing an animated adaptation of such things as Homer’s “The Odyssey” and Alexandre Dumas’ “The Man in the Iron Mask” is not really inherently bad. What is bad is the fact that BFC decided that nobody would want to see an animated adaptation of a literary classic unless it was done with the sensibility of a poverty-stricken Hanna-Barbera, except without the sense of irony or drug-culture hipness.

Combining the two glorious achievements of complete bastardization and skid-row animation, BFC gave us a version of “King Solomon’s Mines” complete with a Germanic villain (see how far Cannon’s influence spread?) in lederhosen and a rather disturbing flashback to the Biblical era. In this flashback King Solomon is shown hoarding away his vast wealth in a labyrinthine cave so that no one else could touch it. Because he feels she is too greedy, he decides to entomb his wife in with the gold as she screams and begs for her life. We aren’t told which wife this was, but since most accounts indicate that he had a plethora (seven hundred, according to the western bible), it’s obviously not a big deal. The main cruxt of the story has Quatermain, Good and Curtis searching for Good’s brother as in Haggard’s novel, but adds comic attacks via hot air-balloon and other slapstick sequences (such as one villain being bonked on the head with coconuts) that would make a four-year old cringe. The only thing more amazing than the fact that they were able to pawn off this paste bauble is the fact that they did it with 37 different films in a mere six years!

In 2004, HBO films decided to take a crack at Rider’s epic with a three hour adaptation titled KING SOLOMON’S MINES. With Patrick Swayze in the lead role and the deep pockets of HBO, you’d think now is the time to get our adventure on! Never mind that the story was keeping the re-tooled formula of the 1950 adaptation with a woman in the wild, this is gonna be great! Hell, the woman in question is Allison Doody, who as we all know had her brush with the progeny of this literary classic in INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (1989)!

You want action? Adventure? Hemmingway-esque machismo? Forget it! You get what HBO gives you bitch, and you’ll like it! This tedious chore of a film starts out on a bad note with the first title card reading “Hallmark Entertainment”. Brace yourself! This is gonna hurt.

Since the entire concept of the safari is distastefully un-PC, we need to make sure that we establish Quatermain as a sensitive ‘90s male… even though it’s not the ‘90s anymore. While taking out a boorish, fat, loud jackass on an elephant hunt, issues arise. The fat man wants to shoot anything that moves and is particularly keen on shooting at the herd of female elephants. As anyone who’s never been laid knows, females are sacred temples of life that should be worshipped and protected with as much chest-thumping as possible. Here Quatermain declares with a righteous fervor that females are off limits and they will continue to track and hunt a male as per the contract.

After being cold-cocked by his own partner (because they are being paid a lot of money), the hunter takes some wild shots into the female elephants and their floppy-eared toddlers while giggling maniacally. We haven’t even reached the punchline for this pre-credit sequence and you can already see that the next three hours are going to be about as much fun as a prostate infection. When Quatermain comes to, back at the camp, he gives a huge stirring speech about how there is nothing in the world more dangerous than a wounded female elephant. They are mothers and their instinct is to protect their offspring and if they are wounded they know who did it and they will hunt that person down... and will not stop until you are dead! Ok, so I added that last part but still, it’s a hell of a moment. After making the big speech our douchebag hunter chuckles at the silly man with a lump on his head and walks into the bush to drain the main vein. Suddenly he notices something hiding, peeking at him through the foliage. It’s the mother elephant just waiting to pounce! Really. Seriously, I am not making that up. The elephant snuck up on the camp like some sort of four and half ton ninja and hid in the freakin’ bushes! The elephant goes on a rampage through the camp and stops short when faced by Quatermain whose sad eyes look into her sad eyes, the strings swell and the elephant slowly lays down and dies. The strings swell even more as Quatermain tears up and says “sorry girl”. Are we done now? Can I go home? 

Ok, so now that we have that shit out of the way, we’ve set the stage for Quatermain to be the sensitive big-game hunter, so now we can get on with some awesome action, right? Right? Ha! What were you thinking? Now it’s time for a dramatic scene in which Quatermain decides to leave Africa and return to England to see his estranged son. After much sensative man-love between Quatermain and his native buddies, not to mention swelling strings... Now it’s time for some action! Oh, wait, no. No, now it’s time for some heavy drama between separated father and son with lots of hugging, eye-watering and disapproving grandparents. Ok, now it’s time for some – oh fuck it, never mind! As if the  never-ending sappy-ass drama wasn’t bad enough, Quatermain is now a wine connoisseur (complete with swirling and bouquet sniffage) and his quest to the mines is made because he, the cultured white man, must stop the local political factions, the ignorant natives, from using it’s treasure to finance their military regimes! Ok, that tears it. Sorry, I refuse to sit through the rest of this crap. “But you are like some totally anal, completist movie nerd of doom” I hear you say. Yeah, ok, so I did fast-forward to see if I missed anything remotely action oriented, but, sit through this for the sake of posterity? Hell no. The line has to be drawn somewhere and this is it. I’d rather sit through some damn Asylum crap than this wannabe Lifetime Network special.

In 2004 TNT debuted their first film in a trilogy of successful Indiana Jones knock-offs, THE LIBRARIAN: QUEST FOR THE SPEAR. Inspired by the popularity of the 2004 uber-RAIDERS plagerist NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS (not reviewed here simply because of who it stars), the TV movie was mostly Indiana Jones with liberal doses of HELLBOY (2004) and, erm, NIGHT AT THE MEUSEUM (2006) which it predates. In 2006, the sequel, THE LIBRARIAN II: RETURN TO KING SOLOMON’S MINES, saw the affable, not entirely macho Flynn Carsen (Noah Wyle) return as the archaeologist who is working for a secret organization who keeps magical antiquities out of the hands of bad guys in a secret basement in the New York library.

In the opening sequence Carsen and his ummmm… “native” guide are trying to grab the mythical Crystal Skull from the hands of black leather trenchcoat wearing ruffians in the Utah dessert. Clearly these guys aren’t the sharpest spades in the dirt as it is a desert… and they are wearing black leather coats. However it does provide for a rather well shot chase sequence with our heroes on horseback and the villains throwing dynamite at them from their motorcycles and dune buggy. Oh, and yes, that is the same mythical Crystal Skull that another more well pedigreed archeologist went looking for in Peru in 2008. Jesus, how un-freakin'-original was that wretched sequel anyway?

Anyway, in spite of the Native American sidekick being about as subtle as Eddie Anderson’s Rochester routine, there’s plenty of action, big camera shots and a good, solid sense of adventure. Doubly so when the setting switches to Cairo where machine-gun toting mercenaries chase a professor who is carrying the location to the secret mines of King Solomon. Directed by veteran TV director Jonathan Frakes, best known for his role as Riker on the relentlessly melodramatic “Star Trek: Next Generation”, there are actually a lot of things to like about this movie. The cast is for the most part good for a TV movie, with Bob Newhart being the stand-out as Carsen’s boss. Sure Bob is doing the same shtick that has served him well for decades, but it’s still entertaining, particularly when the alternative is the comedy involving the fact that the relics that Carson retrieves all develop a life of their own when ensconced in the Library. Yeah, the comedy is goofy TV stuff and the CG effects are pretty low-rent and over-used, but believe me, I have seen worse.

If you are looking for fast-paced, light-weight Indiana Jones-esque adventure, this will certainly fit the bill. While this is definitely the Bud Light of the subgenre, as opposed to the Guinness that is RAIDERS, at least it’s not the American hefeweizen (served with orange slice and Virgina Slims) that was the Swayze version. Proceed at your own peril.

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