On the Celluloid Chopping Block: THE CONCORDE...AIRPORT '79 (1979)

Enough time has passed and the intense rehab on my frame-grabbing arm went well enough that it is time to tackle another case of extended TV versions.  As they did with EARTHQUAKE (1974) and TWO-MINUTE WARNING (1976), Universal opted to shoot new footage for the final entry in the popular AIRPORT series for its debut on network television in May of 1982.  Chris Poggiali from Temple of Schlock was kind enough to hook me up with the longer version of THE CONCORDE…AIRPORT ‘79.  In retrospect, I suspect his main goal was to kill me as this is easily one of the most complex cases of extended footage I’ve seen.  The film cuts scenes, rearranges scenes, reinserts deleted footage from the original shoot, and adds newly shot footage for the TV premiere.  Keeping track of all that is enough to make you feel like Michael Ironside is scanning your brain.

It seems only fitting that the popular disaster film genre of the 1970s would see its collapse with an AIRPORT entry.  After all, the original AIRPORT (1970) is the one that kicked the subgenre off.  Audiences in America flew into theaters to witness edge of their seat thrills to the tune of $100,489,151 in box office dollars (adjusted for inflation that would be $524,963,200 in 2013), making it the second most popular film that year behind LOVE STORY.  Two subsequent sequels, AIRPORT 1975 and AIRPORT 1977, proved to be less successful, but still ranked in the top 20 gross lists of their respective release years.  By the last couple of years of the decade, however, audience interest in star-studded disaster epics was deteriorating thanks to fantasy films like STAR WARS (1977), CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977) and SUPERMAN (1978).  Universal had even eclipsed their own action film benchmark with the popular SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT (1977).  But keeping studio execs away from a proven money making formula is like stopping Tom from watching Aussie movies.  It ain’t gonna happen.

With the cutting edge Concorde being made available for commercial flights beginning in 1976 after a decade of testing, you knew it was only a matter of time before someone cashed in cinematically on this one of a kind, supersonic airplane that caught the public’s attention.  My own personal fantasy is a bleary-eyed Universal exec returning home from a tough day of watching dailies for THE WIZ (1978) and seeing a television news report on the Concorde. “We’ve got an airplane series, it’s perfect,” he screams before falling asleep in his beanbag chair.  In reality, MCA/Universal vice president Jennings Lang announced the production in May of 1978 after taking several trips to Europe to get permission to use the sleek bird.

As expected, a large ensemble cast was collected with a bigger emphasis in international appeal by the casting of French icon Alain Delon as the plane’s captain and sexy symbol Sylvia Kristel, fresh from the EMMANUELLE trilogy, as a stewardess and love interest.  On the American side, Robert Wagner was cast as the villain and AIRPORT stalwart George Kennedy returned as inexplicably upwardly mobile Joe Patroni, who has gone from a mechanic to pilot over the four-film series.  Filming began on November 16, 1978 in France for two weeks and then continued over to Washington DC and Los Angeles over the next month. Lang was so sure that the film would be a hit that he announced his next disaster projects – a sequel to EARTHQUAKE and THE WAVE – on January 26, 1979.

Audiences, however, had a different feeling and were de-pressurized to the series.  The film had its world premiere on August 1, 1979 in Monte Carlo with stars Delon, Kennedy and Susan Blakely in tow and slowly started rolling out in the US over the month.  Unfortunately, it was no match for the film currently at the top of the box office – THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979). This true life terror tale was scaring the dollars out of audiences’ pockets and yelled the box office equivalent of “get ooooout” at the Jennings Lang production.  Although the film stuck around until the end of October and got a small reissue in December, it collected a mere $13,015,688 in domestic sales.  Not only was it a series low, but it was less than the film’s $14 million dollar production budget.

Following television airings on pay channels, the network debut of THE CONCORDE…AIRPORT ’79 took place nearly three years later on Monday, May 17, 1982 on ABC in a three-hour (8-11pm) timeslot. Taking flight during the coveted sweeps period, the producers were up against NBC’s big budget, four-part miniseries MARCO POLO, so once again new footage was shot to pad out the feature’s length (my research indicates most of this new footage was shot in July 1981). In total, just over 21 minutes of new footage was added to the original film.  For the sake of a lucid article (and my sanity), I’ll only cover the added and deleted footage and not go into great detail on the reshuffling of scenes in the television version. Anyway, fasten your seat belts as this is going to be a bumpy ride!

TV Guide write up on the film, May 1982:

Anyone intimately familiar with AIRPORT ’79 (my condolences) will notice changes right off the bat as the plane’s near collision with protestors in a hot air balloon is moved from the opening to nine minutes into the film.  The first major new footage occurs just six minutes into the film as there is a scene of bad guy Kevin Harrison (Robert Wagner) visiting the ghetto for a building dedication.  It opens with him playing some basketball with some kids.  He gets some high fives (!) before his winded self reveals he is getting to old for this and someone comes to tell him the Mayor is waiting.

A young kid then asks Harrison for his sneakers back.  They sit on a park bench and the kid asks, “You really the richest man in the world, Mr. H?”  Harrison says not in the world, just America.  Ah, humble.  The kid then asks if he has all that money whey he doesn’t have any tennis shoes and Harrison replies, “Because I can borrow yours.” Harrison then confides in the kid he isn’t even prepared for his speech and says, “When in doubt, fake it.”

They get up and are accosted by reporters.  When asked how he likes the place, the kid says it is okay and Harrison needles him to get a phony response and the kid says he loves it and loves Mr. H.  They then smile for the press.

Can you see how weird this is going to get?  Remember, Harrison is the villain in this film and this new 2-minute scene shows him having sympathy for inner city youth.

It is then around the 9 minute mark that we get the air balloon scene.  Not only do they remove the air traffic controller saying “Holy Christ” when he sees it, but there is also about a minute of extra footage of airport security getting the balloon down by shooting a hole in it.

We then get the introduction of the newswoman Maggie Whelan (Susan Blakely) in the studio. Following her talk about the balloonists, the Concorde’s flight to Moscow, and the Harrison Industries Buzzard drone project, we get a new dialogue overlaid where she says that Harrison currently lives in Washington DC with his wife and three children.  This segues into new footage of Harrison in his home talking (“Go ahead, this is a safe phone. We’re on the scramble device.”) with his henchman Cooper (Conrad Palmisano) regarding documents that were to be shredded.  Harrison gives him the go ahead to “terminate” Carl Parker, the man who stole the docs, in order to hide them from the press.

We then get a new bit back at the studio with Whelan stating to her viewing audience that she will also be on this Concorde flight.

Up next is some extended footage in the love scene between Capt. Paul Metrand (Alain Delon) and Isabelle (Sylvia Kristel) in the hotel (they definitely didn’t bring them back for new stuff).  Instead of opening with Delon telling her that he won’t hurt her again, the scene opens with him telling her she still has the most wonderful laugh and that he missed her.  It begins to rain and she gets up to close the window.  She then notices a book of his and asks him to read her something (“The tender friendships that one gives up, on parting, leaves a bite on the heart, but also a curious feeling of a treasure somewhere buried.”).

Following the rearranged arrival of Joe Patroni (George Kennedy), we get the longest new footage so far as there is a three-and-a-half minute scene of Mr. Harrison and Maggie Whelan in bed together.  She says she loves him and he says she is “violating a cardinal rule of adultery” to never fall in love.  She mentions how she hated growing up as a diary farmer’s daughter with so many rules and then drops the bomb on him – she’s pregnant.

As you can see, he’s obviously thrilled when she says she wants to keep the baby.  This adds a new element to the film and his later attempt to blow up the plane with a missile.  Yes, it is the world’s most expensive abortion.  Her pocket watch then goes off to let her know it is time to split.

He tries to convince her to stay and go to his awards show, but she thinks a mistress in the room with his wife and three kids is a bit tacky.  Maggie then gets a phone call and it turns out to be Harrison’s wife.  He sheepishly gets on the phone and the female voice on the other end wants to know if this is Rocco’s pizza or not.  Oh, Maggie, you cad!

Our next bit of extra business is when Patroni shows up at the hotel and decides to knock on Metrand’s door and introduce himself.  There is an extra shot of the couple in bed and she scurries away saying, “I don’t want to be seen with you.”  You and me both.

The television version finally gets down to the Carl Parker subplot as the whistleblower shows up at Maggie’s place. Interestingly, the TV version has extra shots of her in the bathtub.

After the assassin disposes of Carl Parker and chases Maggie around her house, there are extra shots of him sneaking around her bedroom before he goes upstairs.

Following her narrow escape, Maggie seeks comfort with Harrison as they walk around DC. Here you actually get a 40 second scene were Harrison puts her into the limo and wishes her off.

After he sees her off, he goes to his own limo and talks with his co-conspirator William Halpern (Robin Gammell) as in the theatrical version.  Following that is a new added bit involving the countdown to the firing of the test drone.  It is made up of footage from the theatrical release and is used quite a bit by through the extended version as a tension builder before commercial breaks.

The film continues on with the build toward the plane’s takeoff.  A couple of interesting omissions happen here.  The Russian team hijinx as they board the bus are removed.  Also, when Kennedy and Delon are heading toward the plane, the TV version zooms in when Kennedy makes the motion of big breasts while telling a story.  Later they remove his line “that’s why they call it a cockpit” and his sex-filled wing walker story.  So, TV Joe Patroni isn’t as big a perv.

Around the 38 and half minute mark of the TV version, there are two new scenes back-to-back that appear to have been newly shot footage.  First, you have Robert Palmer (John Davidson) talking with his secret Russian gymnast girlfriend Alicia (Andrea Marcovicci) about not going on the flight so she can defect and get married.  She says it would be too hard on her family back in Russia and leaves him to get on the bus (which doesn’t match the bus in the earlier AIRPORT ’79 scenes, hence my belief it is newly shot).

The second new scene takes place in a hospital as a doctor tells Mrs. Gilbert (Cicely Tyson) that they are ready to move the human heart for her son’s transplant.  When she asks how long the heart (in a box clearly labeled “human heart” in bold, LOL) can last, the doctor says, “We have to be in Paris in six hours.”  They then jump into a helicopter on the roof and take off.

For the arrival of most of the passengers, the TV version uses a different shot of the bus unloading folks at Dulles.

Things proceed as normal as Harrison and Maggie say goodbye and Maggie gets the documents from Carl Parker’s wheelchair bound wife (more on her in a bit).  Once onboard the plane, we get introduced to the passengers in roughly the same fashion. There is an extra scene of Sylvia Kristel consoling a young female gymnast who is cracking under the pressure of her first trip away from home and the stress to win the gold.  She tells her to think of it as an adventure and how lucky she really is.  Sylvia gets her some tissues and says to a fellow stewardess, “They expect 14-year-olds to be mature women.  It’s a pity, childhood is short enough.”

Is that Jason Lively? (Tom: "No, it's Robin Askwith!")

Following John Davidson showing up to declare his love, there is an extra bit of dialogue between the Russian coach and Alicia.  The coach says she knows the girl’s performance is suffering because she is in love.  She too had a chance like that with a Swedish swimmer. When asked why she didn’t take it, she says, “Because I’d have to live my life in exile.”

Before the plane takes off, Maggie gets up and says she needs to make an urgent phone call. Good lord, the drama for the young ladies is getting piled on here.

She finally gets in touch with Harrison and lets him know that she has the documents and has seen them.  There is some extra dialogue here where Harrison uses his charm to keep her from exposing him

Him: “I was just thinking about that trip we made to Maine.  Remember how cold it 
was? I think we spent the whole week in bed. It was like a honeymoon for us.”

Her: “The honeymoon is over.”

In both versions, however, she concedes though and ends with “I’ll see you in Paris.”

It is hard to believe that we are only now getting to the plane taking off.  Once in the air, both versions are pretty much the same for a period of time.  Not surprisingly, the TV version edits out the shots of Jimmie Walker smoking a joint in the bathroom.  As a result, it makes it looks like he just plays his sax so much that it causes big clouds of smoke to surround him.  We then get the thrilling near miss with the drone.

It is now that a huge chunk of the newly shot material begins appearing.  Obviously shooting new footage inside the plane would be a continuity and logistics nightmare.  So where did the producers go?  Why to the ground, of course.  If you are still with me (thank you!), you might recall me telling you to keep the wheelchair bound Mrs. Parker (Kathleen Maguire) in your minds.  Well, she is back and telling the cops that they need to investigate Harrison for her husband’s murder.  This four minute scene establishes one of the main storylines in the newly shot footage – a ground investigation of Harrison that spans two continents.  Also, it has the best line where Mrs. Parker says, “Stop treating me like I’m an emotional cripple!”

Lt. John Ratcliff (J.D. Cannon) asks for some sort of proof because he needs evidence and Mrs. Parker says to talk to Maggie Whelan.  The cop says he did and she offered nothing. Then Mrs. Parker says of course she didn’t because she just gave her the evidence at the airport today.  Think about that for a second – this new subplot has a woman who just gave away her best evidence going to the cops.  Anyway, she gets angry that he isn’t taking it seriously and demands to see his superiors (“I’ll see the President himself if I have to,” she cries).  Lt. Ratcliff calls in a dude and has her wheeled out.

He apparently did that just because he likes making women in wheelchairs hysterical because right after she leaves, he jumps on the phone and asks for everything they have on Kevin Harrison (“That’s right, the Kevin Harrison.”).

After Harrison speaks to his French baddie friend Robelle (Jean Turlier), we get more new footage with the FBI getting involved now.  Ratcliff calls an FBI agent (Alan Fudge) and says, “We’ve got a case here in the District that may involve your department too.”  He gives the details and says that Parker’s widow gave a statement and “it reaches pretty high up.”  Wait, didn’t you just force her to march…er, wheel out of your office?  Regardless, the Feds are now on the case.

Back on the plane, we get a new bit where Delon tells the passengers their location and tells them to look outside to see the curvature of the Earth.  We cut to Maggie looking outside and then she is shown putting the documents back into her bag.

During the sequence where the Concorde is fired upon by the rogue fighter, there is extra dialogue between Delon and Kennedy.  After Kennedy spots the fighter plane, Delon asks, “What’ he carrying?”  Kennedy says, “Four heat seeking air-to-air missiles. Range six miles at Mach 2 point 5.”  Goddang, not only is Patroni an adept social climber, but he has the eyes of a hawk.

During the insane getaway, the producers of the new footage felt that they needed to insert shots of pipes bursting during the Concorde’s flip for some reason (“The hydraulic system has been hit!”).

There is also a bit where John Davidson saves his Russian love as she is thrust from her seat.

Following ample disaster hysterics (the Concorde dodging missiles and a crash landing), we finally arrive in Paris.  But this craziness is only getting started.  We now get another new scene involving the investigation and jump to INTERPOL and the office of Charles Davenport (George Innes).  If there is one man for the job, it is Charles Davenport in room 305.

An associate (Ben Piazza) enters the room and fills him in the Harrison case details. Davenport is obviously the serious type given his beard and map with pins in it.  His buddy tells him Harrison and his businesses have all been under surveillance for some time. Davenport says to relay Washington their info.  The guy leaving says he is getting coffee and Davenport asks for tea.  He's British, we get it!

Okay, are you still with me?  If so, I’m sorry.  Anyway, prepare yourself as now we get the monster of new footage added to the film, nearly 13 minutes worth!  First, we have Harrison’s henchman Cooper (who somehow also arrived in Paris) breaking into Maggie’s dressing room at the studio where she is about to go live.  How do I know this?  There is a PA announcement that saying the broadcast will begin in 30 minutes.  I like that Mr. Incognito knocks first before break in.  I also like that he is searching for a bunch of documents and the first place he looks is a petite handbag.

Meanwhile, the total pro Maggie is already on the air telling how she survived the harrowing ordeals on the Concorde and plays her audio tape of the incident for audiences.

Harrison shows up as promised.  She doesn’t look thrilled to see him and his pinky ring.

She gets up to meet him outside the studio and they hug (“I’m so glad you’re alright,” he says).  They talk and she hits him with the one-two combo of “You lied to me” and “How far would you go to protect yourself?”  But he battles back with the classic “I would never do anything intentional to hurt you” before asking if she still has the documents.  She says security has them locked up.  Foiled!

Back in the dressing room, the guy is still looking for stuff when a security guard arrives with flowers for Maggie.  The security guy places the flowers down and then eyes the guy suspiciously before seeing a handbag on the floor.  The guard picks it up and…places it on the table.  Qui, that was a close one.

He then checks the card on the roses (why, the documents ain’t in there) and sees they are from Kevin Harrison.

There is then a new scene with Harrison’s associate William Halpern meeting up with the French bad guy Robelle in a hotel.  Frenchie apologizes for the fighter plane fiasco and then questions whether they should have had Cooper come over since he botched the Parker job. Yes, in a world of billions, Harrison likes to only deal with 2 or 3 of the same guys.  Halpern says, “I promise you we will deal with the situation properly.”

We then get new footage in a hotel lobby with Concorde honcho Eli Sands (Eddie Albert) and his wife Amy (Sybil Danning).  You go Eli!  I have to respect anything that gives me extra footage of Danning. He asks her what is wrong and she mentions how she doesn’t want to make the next flight on the Concorde to Moscow and is frightened.  He says he has to go as he is the top guy and “how would it look if I chickened out?” He reassures her by saying people think the terrorists “have shot their wad” and won’t try again before telling her that she’s “the best thing that ever happened to me.”  You and me both, Mr. Albert!  He then says he will take her shopping in the morning because the plane needs a little more time for repairs.  Oh, and the INTERPOL people want to talk to them in the morning.

After that is another new sequence between Maggie and Harrison as they walk on a bridge in Paris.  Harrison talks about his past and how he got into the weapons trade.  He gives a strange “right hand of God/left hand of God” speech.  He even points out a guy drawing street art and says, “There is a man who understands life.  Nothing is permanent.” Yes, dudes who fill the world with weapons long to have the philosophy of a street chalk artist.  Okayyyyyyyyyy.

Their conversation then moves to down by the water.  Maggie asks Harrison what he is going to do and he says he will hold a press conference and confess everything.  He then buys some flowers from a little old lady and gives them to Maggie.  He says, “I want to change my life.  You’re a big part of it now.”

This scene is really tricky in terms of deciding if it is new or shot for the original release.  It reeks of newly shot footage given the wishy-washy character intentions of Harrison. However, would they really fly them over to Paris just to shoot one new scene? (edit: actress Susan Blakely has confirmed to us that this was scene was from the film's original shoot.) Wagner’s hair is a bit different from the original shoot and I wonder if they were trying to soften his character given the popularity of HART TO HART at the time.  Either way, this scene isn’t in the theatrical version.

Meanwhile, we cut back to Cooper who is now going through Maggie’s hotel room.  After a bit of searching, he calls down to the front desk pretending to be her manager (do news women have managers?) and says he needs to put some of her papers with other stuff she gave them for the safe.  However, his ruse doesn’t work as they said there is no record of her putting anything in the safe.  Foiled again!

After we go through all of the romantic bits (including Delon hooking Kennedy up with a prostitute!), we get more new footage back in Washington DC.  Lt. Ratcliff is in the office of his FBI buddy and they discuss what is going on with the case.  The FBI guy tells Ratcliff to keep his cool as Mrs. Parker’s statement has been sent to the Attorney General and Treasury has sent their info on Harrison to Interpol.  New scene, thy name be exposition.

Immediately following this scene is new footage of Eli Sands and his wife meeting Chief Superintendent Morabito (Jose Ferrer) of INTERPOL.  When Sands asks why they are interested in what happened with the plane, the Superintendent says that they are more interested in Kevin Harrison and asks Sands if he knows him.  When told of his nefarious connections, Sands defends Harrison as “one of our top people” and that the Chief is “barking up the wrong tree.” Then Amy says that the only connection Harrison has to the Concorde is one of its passengers *wink, wink*. She then spills the beans on Maggie and Harrison.

After the Sands leave, Morabito gets on the phone to Davenport to talk about the case.  He stresses that “we must check out every lead, no matter how trivial.”  Davenport complies due to Morabito’s beard seniority.  Davenport then rings his secretary and says, “Washington, please.”

A few scenes later we see more new footage.  In the theatrical version, a mechanic (Jon Cedar) sabotages the Concorde’s wiring system and later attempts to escape with the money taped to his body.  In the TV version, his role is expanded and we see him meet Mr. Robelle in the mechanics shop to get the money.  He is also given a plane ticket and told his services would no longer be needed…EVER!

After everyone has boarded the Concorde for the second time, there is a quick extra scene of Kristel telling the passengers that the boy’s heart transplant was a success and the little boy is doing fine.  Everyone applauds in response.

Unfortunately, this section also has an omission that I’m sure will hurt everyone.  I don’t know how to break it to you guys, but the entire scene from the theatrical version with Charo trying to smuggle her dog onboard has been removed. While scenes were altered/removed for adult content, this is the only scene removed outright.  I guess ABC knew the world wasn’t ready for primetime cuchi-cuchi.

Did you think we were done?  Not quite.  The producers of the new footage saved the best for last.  During the aforementioned George Kennedy/prostitute courtship, he woos her at the dinner table by telling her his wife died in a car wreck and he has a college age son.  They decided to shoehorn that into the film via a flashback, which is done by just zooming into Kennedy’s head.  Dissolve to cheap sitcom set where Kennedy is having breakfast with his family.

Son Joe, Jr. mentions he’s finished his tea and his mother gets all excited.  Dad pleads for him to let his mom Helen (not played Susan Clark from AIRPORT 1975; in fact, it is Jessica Walter, who has a completely different eye color) indulge “in her only vice” which is – I kid you not – reading his tea leaves.  Obviously, Joe, Jr. has a bright future and a new love on the horizon according to mom, but a dark shadow is over someone near you.  Pop kids his wife about her half-English, half-gypsy heritage.

Naturally, the time comes to read Joe, Sr.’s tea leaves and, you guessed it, shit is looking bleak.  “There is some kind of machine with an engine that’s crushed. There is death surrounding you,” she says.  She pleads with him not to take a flight to Chicago.  He dismisses her tea leaf reading as just a hobby and assures her he will be fine.

Cut to Patroni walking down a hospital corridor and meeting with a doctor.  The doc explains that his wife got in a car wreck with a drunk driver and is in serious condition (“She has brain damage and can’t talk, but there’s no pain.”).  OMG! The tea leaves were right…but it wasn’t about him…it was about her!

This nearly six minute new scene ends with Patroni going in to the hospital room and checking out his wife.  He kisses her and she wakes up.  He tells her that they are going to “fight this and beat this.” Seems his prediction skills aren’t as good as hers.  We then cut back to the theatrical version where Metrand asks Patroni what’s up and he says he was just thinking about his wife.  Well played, TV producers, well played.

Back in Paris, there is a new scene with Robelle talking to Harrison on the phone.  He informs him of the mechanic’s accident and that INTERPOL will be questioning him.  Also, he’s heard the authorities know about Maggie and the documents.  “Try to save your self, my friend,” Harrison says over the phone before they hang up.

The path to the film’s final Concorde disaster is pretty much the same.  However, there is a 40 second bit of extra footage in the cockpit where the plane tips forward and Delon says, “She nosed.”

The plane eventually crashes in the snow in the mountains and things are pretty much normal.  Well, except Maggie goes live on the air to cover it.  Is she the world’s only news reporter?  She explains that Halpern hung himself and Robelle was arrested by Paris police. And what has happened to her hunky beau Harrison?  A warrant has been issued for his arrest.

Cut to Harrison watching this in a hotel room.  He gets up from his chair and goes over to his briefcase, where he pulls out a gun.  He goes into the hallway where a bunch of reporters are there.  When asked if he has any statement, Harrison says, “Just tell them I’m in the left hand of God.”  He then shoots himself.  This “left hand of God” line actually refers to the earlier Maggie/Harrison Paris walk.

This new suicide replaces the earlier scene in the theatrical version where Harrison commits suicide on his own plane while watching Maggie’s report from the scene of the plane’s crash landing.

The film then ends with Maggie summing up the events as she addresses the camera.

Holy Patroni!  Did I just spend nearly 5,000 words typing up AIRPORT ’79?  And grab over 150 frame grabs?  My mom would be so proud.  If you’ve made it this far, I congratulate you and hope I was able to showcase what a maddening task this was.  I have seen plenty of TV versions with alternate footage/new footage, but I am firm in my belief that this is easily one of the most complex versions ever made.  We've never been able to decipher who wrote and directed this new footage (edit: co-star Sybil Danning has confirmed to us that original helmer David Lowell Rich also directed the additional TV footage).  In the end, however, it paid off for Universal.  Despite the poor box office and the later parody AIRPLANE (1980) having put an end to the airplane disaster series, this TV version of THE CONCORDE…AIRPORT ’79 came in tenth place in that week’s ratings with 18.3 million viewers and a 31 share of the viewing audience.  It proved that AIRPORT fans were still out there, but that they just didn’t want their faces seen in public.  Now, what is the number of my frame grabbing physical therapist again?


Special thanks to Chris Poggiali for supplying the TV version plus the push over the edge to actually do this and TV sleuth Marty McKee for identifying some of the actors in the new footage. 

Also, thanks to George White at www.ateenagersguidetotrash.blogspot.com for painstakingly finding out who played Davenport.

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An Acute Case of Sequelitis: TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2013)

Yes, I know, I'm an idiot for even imagining that there might be something entertaining to be found here. Imagine NOTLD3D, except shot on film. Pointless, boring, crushingly obvious and totally cheap. In my own defense there is a lot of opportunity here. As far as I'm concerened, if you can make a fun 3D thrill-ride out of a franchise that has run out of juice in years prior, like THE FINAL DESTINATION, you should abso-freaking-lutely be able to do that times two with a franchise like THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. "Chainsaw" + "3D" should = "Magic". You'd have to be a complete inbred half-wit to screw that up. Please put your hands together for complete inbred half-wit director John Luessenhop. I'd blame screenwriter Adam Marcus, but I enjoyed his reworking of the FRIDAY THE 13th mythos, JASON GOES TO HELL (1993, particularly in it's extended grey-market form), and as he is credited with no less than five other writers, I don't think I can lay the blame entirely at his feet.

In an attempt to come up with an entirely new premise that not only brushes aside the previous sequels and remake, the filmmakers concoct an entirely new backstory that mixes footage from the original film with new footage. Now we have a quasi-Hatfield and McCoy family feud and the Sawyer family house is now located in a town and the family is apparently now made up of about half-a-dozen members of "Duck Dynasty". One of the townies, leads a mob on the Sawyer's place burning it to the ground, kicking defenseless mothers in the face and stealing a baby in the process. Yes, the Sawyers are no longer sphincter-shriveling cannibal kinfolk preying on the wayward traveler in the Texas outback, but something more akin to Mormons with bad table manners.

After reinventing history, the first 30 minutes is just the usual tween friends nonsense (or if you are a Rotten Tomatoes reviewer you would call it "character development"), with a goth hottie (Alexandra Daddario) who works as a butcher (as if!) inheriting her Grandmother's house in Texas, only to find out that she's been living with the folks that killed her real family who are... wait for it... the Sawyers! She and a couple of friends roadtrip down to Texas and along the way pick up a hitchhiker... who has nothing to do with anything. Also, she's Letherface's cousin and as it turns out, Letherface is still alive and well, and living in the basement of the house as some sort of gimp while gram had kept him out of trouble. So basically it's a "people trapped in a house with a gimp" movie for another 20 minutes, in which there's a bunch of running around and screaming but little else. Oh, I almost forgot. There is a lot of steel door slamming. This movie will never, ever let you forget that one of the most iconic scenes in Tobe Hooper's original was Leatherface slamming a sliding steel door. If that isn't enough, the film features plenty of other reminders including a shot of a dead armadillo in the road and a re-imagining of the deep freezer scene. Still not enough? How about cribbing moments from HALLOWEEN (1978) and CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980) too? Come to think of it, isn't the tag-line more than a little reminiscent of the JASON GOES TO HELL trailer?

Weirdly the movie feels like it is coming to an end at the 50 minute mark. Three of the four peeps escape the house, and in one of many incredibly stupid decisions this film makes, one dies from an ensuing auto accident... instead of being killed by, I dunno, maybe a chainsaw? And the other simply disappears until the end of the movie. In order to get things back in gear, we find out that the world's smallest carnival is taking place right next to the house! What are the odds? So desperate for something entertaining, you think "hey, Pruneface can carve up carnival peeps and that will be cool". I was starting to think of some sort of carnival massacre ala HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980) and the second that I thought that, Leatherface simply intimidates some of the patrons with his chainsaw before running off into the woods! Cue leatherfacepalm.

As if the rampant refusal to do anything remotely interesting wasn't bad enough, these guys hired KNB to do the gore FX, which is awesome right? Then they decide to do most of gore with CG or worse, in what seems to be a new trend, covering up the latex work with CG! Here the CG is so bad, the Sy-Fy channel would think twice about airing it. Yeah, ok, maybe not, but it still looks like someone got a high-school kid with a red sharpie to draw blood on the frame. This is particularly grating when the big, climactic scene (which adds insult to injury after our goth chickie tosses Leatherface a chainsaw and quips "do your thang cuz") has the bad townie going into an industrial meatgrinder ala RAZORBACK and we get a bunch of sharpie marks that are supposed to be blood shooing out. I should point out that it was the deliberately hard-come-by NC-17 version that I viewed. We seem to have stepped back into the '80s here with an R-rated version that is shocking in its anemia. While many high-profile films over the past decade (2008's RAMBO comes to mind) have redefined the levels of graphic violence in an R-rated movie, apparently old grudges die hard at the MPAA. By modern standards, I'd say the level of gore in the NC-17 version is far lower than anything seen in say, CABIN IN THE WOODS (2011), however CABIN wasn't a horror movie (sorry band-wagon jumpers, that movie is a straight-up comedy without any pretension of actual horror). Even more odd is that I can pull out two TCM sequels from the draconian '80s era that sport more gore and creativity than this carcass.

It's not just the FX, but the entire film feels like the budget was cut after shooting began. It feels like pages were ripped out of the script, action scenes were cut, KNB were fired and long, dull "character" scenes were shot to pad the running time. What kind of scenes, you ask? How about a scene that blatantly panders to the inner-city crowd while expanding the running time? The good sheriff and the evil mayor are in an office with a police officer on the radio who is going to enter the Sawyer house and investigate. The hot-headed hick officer is looking for "any excuse" to use his firearm, which means you know he's dead meat. He slowly makes his way though dark hallways, occasionally glimpsing bones and severed body parts as he gets closer to Leatherface's lair (yes, he has a lair). Not only is it a long pointless scene, but the sentiments of a cop being some dipshit who can't wait to shoot someone is cynical at best when in this day and age we all know, regardless of race, you have a much better chance of being shot by some crazy motherfucker without a badge.

While that scene is rather politically incorrect, the filmmakers (in spite of knowing that they are doing an R-rated movie) go for the politically correct anti-nudity stand, having scenes that were clearly written with nudity in mind, shot with as little skin as possible, often awkwardly so. Cleavage can be leered at comfortably, but exposed naughty bits are a no-no. Our heroine has her shirt torn open at one point while chained up by the local yokels who don't take kindly to Sawyer kin, yet her shirt miraculously stays firmly attached to her torso, no matter how much she struggles with her bondage. In another scene the slutty-party girl stereotype is being hammered home, while she shows no skin, her lover (Heather's cheatin' boyfriend, played by Trey Songz) is frequently shown stripped to the waist with his boxers showing. Ok, I think I can see through the schizophrenic logic here: Female bodies are bad. Male bodies are good. I'm sure the Taliban would be pleased.

If it seems like I'm spending a lot of time bitching about gore and nudity, it is simply because without those exploitation staples your are left with an infuriatingly unambitious film that tries to both pander and be politically correct, but really doesn't seem to care enough to stick with it either way. At least some creative FX work for KNB would have provided some bright spots and quite frankly, boobs have always provided a great distraction in genre cinema. Even on its own terms it was difficult to find anything entertaining about the movie. When not wallowing in uninspired cliches (the corrupt mayor doesn't even pretend to be a nice guy) that take the movie nowhere, shlocky potential crops up every now and then, only to be cut down with complete indifference. The only reason I wanted to see it in the first place was because I had read that it had been shot stereoscopic. Damned if you can tell by watching it. Like many other aspects of the film, very little attempt is made to accentuate the elements that it is attempting to exploit. It may have been shot stereoscopic, but the cinematographer just shot it like a flat movie, much like PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES. Either way, this saw is completely out of gas.

One of the production team's attempts at pre-release internet hype

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Shark Attack Summer: THIS AIN'T JAWS XXX (2012)

While nothing screams "nerd fantasy" like having porn stars dressing up like iconic comic-book characters and banging like a barn door in a heavy wind, for my money porn parodies are best when they are lampooning (I said "poon") slightly higher-brow fare. Did I say "at their best"? What I meant to say was "have great potential", because I have yet to see one that actually manages to be a proper parody with the addition of porn. I hear tell STAR WARS XXX (2012) is strong with the farce, but I have yet to get around to seeing it. I have seen quite a bit of the admittedly impressive DVD menus, though.

Even though I haven't read the magazine in decades, through the ages Hustler has been more than just a "dirty" men's magazine. Larry Flint may have been a farmboy turned two-bit strip-club operator turned nudie mag publisher, but he (and his lawyers) are the people you should thank for being able to watch Hawkeye whip out his meaty arrow and shoot at She-Hulk's face in the privacy of your own home. The argument that Flint fought a bloody battle for one of our most distinguished of constitutional rights was purely in the interest of self preservation may be a legitimate one, but if you've actually read any of the stuff printed in between the pink bits, you will notice that Hustler was a men's magazine on the cutting edge. If Hunter S. Thompson had been whacked out on mescaline, cocaine and ether and mistaken Hugh Hefner's silken bedchambers for The Bunny Ranch, Hustler is the bastard child that would be born of that coupling. Too bad none of that edgy innovation can be found anywhere in Hustler's video productions.

Taking it's cues directly from Spielberg's classic, the movie starts with "kids" around a campfire, though before any skinny dipping will take place, a pair of partiers (Lily Labeau and real-life BF Danny Wylde) head off to a tent to do some dipping of their own. I'm not much for the plastic, surgically enhanced, glass-eyed wannabe Barbie dolls that pass for modern pornstars, I'm much more of a home-grown, girl-next-door kinda guy and Labeau has that quality. No tramp-stamp, no navel jewelry, no jaded "I'd whistle while I work, but I'm a fucking pornstar" attitude. She's fresh, clean and enthusiastic and that's pretty hot in my book. Matter of fact, it's pretty surprising to see enthusiasm (and real boobs) like that in a Hustler video and that's about the only thing this movie has going for it. Less than 20 minutes into the movie and you've seen the best that it has to offer when it comes to the XXX side of things. Of course, after the predictably routine oral / reverse cowgirl / spoon / missionary / cumshot, Labeau runs out into the pool, err, I mean surf, and is suddenly pulled under the rock-bottom computer generated waves. Might as well shut the damn movie off now. No? You want more? Ok, fine. But remember, you asked for it!

Because we are in a hurry to get this over with, director Stuart Canterbury (also responsible for the previous year's THIS AIN'T CONAN XXX), completely throws out any pretension of real filmmaking and simply dissolves in and out to get from scene to scene. No seques, no cut-aways, not even smash-cuts, just dissolves and fades from one scene to another. I imagine Stu would yell something like "What? You seen da friggin' JAWS movie, whaddaya want? Some sort of 'cohesive narrative'? Getda fugouta here!" I don't know why I imagine him with a Long Island accent, there is only one exterior shot that isn't a digital composite and it was clearly in California.

I have utter confidence in a mayor who needs a road map in order to find her municipality.

In the mayor's office Mayor Vaughn (Darcy Tyler) is having an argument with Chief Brody (Dale DaBone) about closing down the bitches - err, I mean beaches. Says the mayor, "Amity's a Summer town, if they don't swim here, they'll swim somewhere else" and "You yell shark and we got a huge panic on our hands". Aside from the sloppy grammar, as you can tell, this is just a cheap rehashing of key scenes from JAWS with sex scenes thrown in.

I know what you are thinking, here we have an excuse to have Brody stick it to the mayor! I mean with all of her fiery rhetoric (delivered with the same conviction as a married couple discussing who is going to do the dishes), you'd think she was itchin' for Brody to slip her the ol' Speckled Epaulette. No dice! Instead we get a scene on the beach in which a fake-boobed bottle blond (Phoenix Marie) does a strip-tease in public beach tent (when was the last time you've seen one of those?) and invites in the local lifeguard (Rocco Reed looking like he stole Jeremy Piven's around-the-house wig) for some by-the-numbers, porn-quota filling sex.

In another convenient sex change, Dr. Hooper is now played by Alexis Ford, which allows for the meeting between Mayor Vaughn to turn into a tepid girl-on-girl scene in the mayor's office. Ford is typically plastic looking, except for the fact that the make-up department only saw fit to spackle on the M.A.C. to her face and not to her incredibly pimply ass or her bruise-covered legs. All I could think about while being mesmerized by the sheer volume of bruises and scrapes on her lower torso was how much likker and other substances she must consume every night to get that way. I guess there is something to be said for the old, scratched up porn loops of yesteryear. The quality was so bad that it covered up all the track-marks and razor cuts on the more pathetic workers of the industry. Damn, that got awfully deep for a porn-parody review. Quick send in the clown!

With that over and done with we get a 10 second introduction to Quint (Evan Stone in a cheap wig with a cheaper accent) checking a harpoon gun against a CG background, shouting "you guys wouldn't know your twats from a tunafish sandwich!" Dissolve to meeting in mayors office... again.

At this point there sure hasn't been any sort of "parody" going on other than by definition: "parody: an imitation of the style of a particular writer, artist, or genre with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect." It's definitely an imitation, there is plenty of exaggeration, but I am hard pressed to see the comic effect other than perhaps to the hipsters who think that anything made in a sloppy, careless and cheap way is instantly hilarious. "Lookit that wig! It's so stooopid!" The closest we get to actual joke-writing are lines like when Brody is told the townies have killed the wrong shark: "25 feet, that's just great! That's a hell of a lot of fishsticks!" Bring your own muted horns for the scene in which Quint says that he is going to catch the shark by pulling out his willie and when the shark goes for it, he will stab it with a harpoon. The shark, that is, not his penis. A CG shark that looks about as photorealistic as an outtake from "South Park" jumps up and Hooper replies (wait for it)... "I think you're gonna need a bigger dick".

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your tolerance for 1990s era computer animation, there are far more clams than sharks in this parody and if you ever thought there should be a scene in which Quint sends Brody out to take watch so that he could get his crusty California Hornshark into Hooper's tidy whiteys this movie is there for you. Yes there is a scene where they compare scars and a re-interpretation of the song "Show Me the Way to Go Home" in which the phrase "I wanna go home" is changed to "I wanna get blown". This might actually have been funny except that is the only part of the song that is recited. It's like everyone forgot the lyrics and just decided to keep repeating that one line. Honestly how hard is it to come up with a XXX Weird Al-ized version? It certainly doesn't cost any money to write or shoot. I really don't think that's asking too much from something advertising itself as a spoof.

Annoyingly Charlie Lane shows up at the beginning of the DVD to ask people to buy the DVD and not to download it. Downloading makes her sad. Just like hurting cute animals. Personally I rented the disc (which was shipped in packaging made entirely from boot-crushed fluffy bunnies), but maybe if Hustler and Adam & Eve actually took the time and effort to make something that is not a cynically, sloppy mess, maybe people would actually want to buy the DVD or blu-ray. The European studio Private figured this out decades ago and has been raking in the dough ever since. Instead Hustler feels it should do exactly the opposite. As Tom Lehrer once said, "Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends on what you put into it." Doubly so for Hustler videos.

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The XXX-Factor: SHE-HULK XXX (2013)

We once had a loyal reader on the blog who accused
us of being nothing but porn hounds thanks to our porn parody reviews. Truth is we only get two or three of these out in a year and have only done just over a dozen in our meager three years of existence. And, honestly, we do this as a public service for the masses who are curious about the state of porn spoofs, but not typically buy-curious (ah, boo yourself). Anyway, it has been nearly 8 full months since our last XXX review and it is time to (e)rectify that.

No joke, the most popular review on this blog is our look at THE AVENGERS XXX.  The write up still brings the hits day in and day out and we think it is safe to say it is mostly folks ogling at the pictures.  Also, there is the factor of former WWE superstar Chyna delving into the world of “legit” porn in her co-starring role as She-Hulk.  The point is that Axel Braun’s porn send up starring a former pro-wrestling female superstar might be just as popular as 2012’s biggest box office success.  So you knew it was only a matter of time before the director returned to such fertile ground.  The stand alone SHE-HULK parody project was quickly announced after the triumph of THE AVENGERS XXX with Chyna returning to the role.  Things got quiet for a while with some suspecting it wouldn’t actually happen.  Alas, the film finally hit DVD in the spring of 2013 via Vivid’s XXX Super Heroes line.

The movie wastes no time getting the action rolling as we open with Jennifer Walters (Gracie Glam) waking up in a hospital.  A detective by her side tells her she was shot in the back by some men working for crime boss Trask (yay canonical points!) and that she received a blood transfusion from her cousin, Bruce Banner.  Asked what she last remembers, Walters recalls being in her law office working on a deal with another attorney (Mark Wood).  When he says her proposition is a “tough sell” she responds by saying, “I bet I can close this deal.”  So, yes, at one minute and thirty seconds into the film we get our first sex scene as Wood teaches Glam on the finer points of the penal system.  Yeah, I went there.

Following this spirited, nearly 25 minute sex session, we have another flashback where cousin Bruce (Richie Calhoun) shows up and says, “I need your help, Jen.”  He informs her that he is the Hulk and tells her of the havoc it has wrecked on his life (“Gamma rays and anger. It’s a bad combination.”).  He tells Jennifer just to warn her, but she offers her unwavering support by stating, “I would hate to live my life turning into a raging green monster every time I got angry.”  Uh oh, you just sealed your fate, honey.  As expected, the progression from here is she ends up getting shot (never shown onscreen) and then gets Bruce’s blood.

Back in the real world, a couple of mob goons hang out in the hospital lobby and pay off a nurse (Tara Lynn Fox) to distract the guard outside of Walters’ room.  Naturally, since this is an adult feature, that diversion involves her giving the guy a blowjob in the x-ray room. Following that ten minute oral scene, the thugs break into Jennifer’s hospital room and try to inject her with some fluid. She fights them off and the resulting anger morphs her into She-Hulk (Chyna), who promptly leaps out of the window and lands on the city’s green screen streets.  “Where am I supposed to go like this,” she wonders exposed in her torn gown.  She wanders the CGI streets for a bit before – in the finest computer effects of 1996 – morphing back into Jennifer Walters.  She is obviously confused by her situation (“The fuck am I going to do now?”) but all of her problems appear solved when she spots some posters on a wall touting an appearance by Mister Fantastic (Ryan Driller) and The Invisible Woman (Alexis Ford) of The Fantastic Four fame.  So Ms. Walters heads to their place with the hope that Mr. Fantastic can live up to his name and find a cure for her.  In She-Hulk form, she questions if he can help and he says he’ll see what he can do with a vial of her blood.  “That’s the last I’ll see of him for several days,” complains The Invisible Woman.  Seeing as this is a skin flick, you know that is code for “lesbian encounter” as The Invisible Woman decides to show She-Hulk her very visible naughty parts.

After this Sappho-centered session, Jennifer leaves the Fantastic’s home and is chloroformed by a green suited baddie hiding in the back of her car. She awakens in a warehouse strapped down to a surgery table.  Seems her kidnapper is Madame Hydra (Jennifer Dark), who is looking to harvest the She-Hulk’s blood in order to create a super army. When an underling (Alan Stafford) informs her their plan might work, Hydra makes him kneel before her and then shoves his head into her crotch.  Wow, talk about a hostile working environment.  This affords us sex scene number four as the two get it on down-and-dirty in the makeshift lab. Madame Hydra fans, you may now cross off “watch Madame Hydra have sex” off your bucket lists.

After Madame Hydra gets properly dehydrated, Jennifer changes into She-Hulk and breaks free from her restraints (all done off screen).  As she wanders around the building, She-Hulk runs into Hawkeye (Eric Masterson, reprising his THE AVENGERS XXX role) and says, “You’re that Avenger…Nighthawk?”  He corrects her and says he is setting up a West Coast faction of The Avengers and could use her.  Unsurprisingly, such a proposition leads to our next sex scene as Chyna and Masterson get it on.  Let’s just say all the bases are covered here.

Hawkeye finishes with a facial that makes me question his marksmanship.  He ends the scene with perhaps the film’s funniest line as he looks at She-Hulk and says, “Can you not tell Mockingbird about this?”  Haha, that is pretty damn good.  Anyway, now I’m getting into this movie’s groove.  I can’t wait to see how She-Hulk defeats Hydra, how Jennifer Walter’s gets her revenge on Trask, and how Mr. Fantastic uses his lab skills to save them both. Wait…what the hell is that on my TV?  Are those…no…it can’t be…END CREDITS!?! Fuck me.

Yup, the freakin’ movie is over.  Clocking in at a mere 90 minutes, SHE-HULK slams the door on the viewer just when things start to get good.  It is the porn equivalent of erectile dysfunction on your wedding night.  I’ve accused Axel Braun of being lazy before, but this one really takes the cake and makes earlier stuff like THE DARK KNIGHT XXX seem like a masterpiece in comparison. Now, as I’ve always said, the goal of porn (and the popular parody subgenre) is to get the viewers off.  And Braun will no doubt do that.  However, when powerhouse Vivid is touting you as the King of the porn parody, you better deliver. SHE-HULK is barely a film.  Nowhere is this more evident than in the obligatory “non-sex version” offered on the bonus disc.  This thing runs less than 15 minutes, which shows you that Braun and his team aren’t really trying when it comes to the parody department.  The script couldn’t have been more than ten pages.  Is it really that hard to envision a few extra scenes to at least make a cohesive movie?  I guess it is. Braun can’t even be bothered to have a scene showing Jennifer Walters getting shot. How freakin’ hard can that be?

Watching the film, I was just flooded with the sense of missed opportunities.  You’ve got the first porn appearance of Mister Fantastic and you can’t work in stretching joke?  Or, better yet, you can’t work in a gag where he uses his superhero ability to fling his dick across the house into the lesbian scene.  Yes, I know it might take a little more effort, but goddamn, the creativity level here is nil.  An even better example is the use of Chyna as the titular character.  Hehe, he said “tit.”  Is it too much to ask to have her actually have a fight scene where she beats down a few guys?  I know folks are tuning in to see her green body in action, but I’m sure the Amazonian market would be thrilled to have her squashing a few dudes in between.  And, once again, her two sex scene keep her in full costume and refuse to show off her breasts (you can see them getting painted green in the bonus features).

Sadly, all of this stuff undermines what Braun does right.  The casting is pretty good and the idea of having Gracie Glam as Jennifer Walters is a smart one.  Braun even earns points for casting Euro starlet Jennifer Dark (pictured left) as Madame Hydra, keeping true to the character’s Eastern European origins.  Not only is she hot, she’s totally into her scene. Yet Braun can’t even be bothered to have Hydra and Walters in the same room together. Nope, not even a scene where she threatens the subdued superhero.  It is pretty apparent Braun is working with a schedule of “get costume, film sex scene, slap together” filmmaking.  Sadly, this method just results in the biggest cash grab yet for Vivid.  I don’t expect them to pay attention to a review like this as their millions in the bank account will keep diverting their eyes.  But the porn parody subgenre – the great bastion for a little fun and creativity – is going to wither up and die if you keep treating it as nothing more than XXX cosplay.  Look, you have capable performers, great costumes and sets, and inventive behind-the-scenes players.  Let’s try to get back to the level of STAR WARS XXX.

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Soppy Cinema: THEY BITE (1996)

Pardon the nearly two week delay in our blogging.  I’m sure we were missed.  Truth is I’ve been busy saving the world from unwatched DVD-Rs while Tom has been traveling up and down the Golden State in an effort to avoid watching Albert Pyun’s COOL AIR (can you blame him?).  Anyway, we’ve got to get back into the swing of things so here is a tiny review about things that go bump in the night.  Or, more appropriately, things that go splash in the sea!

THEY BITE centers on some humanoids from the deep that are causing all sorts of problems down in Florida.  The film opens with a model and her photographer out on a pier.  She refuses to do topless shots for him but eventually relents on the condition that he stays far away for his shots.  Ah, the innocence of not knowing about a zoom lens. Anyway, he gets his shots and, showing she is such a free spirit, she dives into the water for a swim.  Bad move as an aquatic monster is lurking nearby and decides to chow down.  The photog does the responsible thing and leaps in to save her in the nick of time.  Just kidding…he stands with his mouth agape while taking pictures of her being clawed into a bloody mess.  Naturally, someone with such sharp fight-or-flight instincts does the next logical thing and anonymously mails his photos to the local police department.

And this is where our chaotic plot begins. A deputy decides to mail the photos to Melody Duncan (Donna Frotscher), an ichthyologist (one who studies fish) friend of his.  She is staying at a hotel where she is constantly being annoyed by the sounds of moaning and groaning coming from the adjacent room.  What exactly is going on in there?  Well, seems a porn company (including Ron Jeremy cast as a crew member…what!?!) is shooting their latest film, a porn parody of Rambo. Leading a scant crew of two on this magnum (condom) opus is director Mel Duncan (Nick Baldasare, star of the totally weird BEYOND DREAM’S DOOR).  Wait a sec…Melody Duncan…Mel Duncan?  I suspect some wacky mix up hijinx in the film’s near future. Indeed, Mel Duncan, porn auteur, ends up getting the highly secretive pics sent to Mel Duncan, fish fan.  Soon our director in charge is snooping to try and figure out just what these things are.  To help the locals?  Nah, his producer has totally fallen in love with making a movie called INVASION OF THE FISHFUCKERS. Naturally, these two name sharers must eventually team up and they better hurry because the beasts coming out of the sea seem to be growing in numbers and appear to be out of this world.

THEY BITE is a flick that has been on my radar ever since Gorezone mentioned it in a piece on independent horror cinema in the early 90s.  It eventually came out on VHS from MTI Entertainment in 1996, but trying to locate a copy to rent was a challenge in itself.  And this monster mash has inexplicably not hit DVD yet. However, thanks to recently becoming independently wealthy, I decided to take a plunge on the VHS.  Director Brett Piper was also familiar due to his involvement in the incredibly convoluted saga of what eventually became RAIDERS OF THE LIVING DEAD (1986).  The one thing I knew about him is he loved to use practical and stop motion effects in his films and THEY BITE is no exception.  If you love some HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980), you’ll dig this film.  The monster suits are suitably gooey with lots of nice detail and there is a ton of cool FX throughout the film.  There is also a great faux trailer for INVASION OF THE FISHFUCKERS done in a 1950s style midway through the film. Perhaps the film’s highlight is a scene that feels like it was added after initial photography in order to up the blood, breasts and beasts factor. Playboy Playmate Susie Owens gets attacked by one of the beasts on the beach and ends up later attacking her lover with her fang-sporting lady parts.  Reminds me of a girl I once dated.  Anyway, it is true a one-of-a-kind moment in movie history (according to FEMME FATALES magazine, it garnered the film an NC-17 rating) and when you’re dealing with low budget cinema, moments like that can only raise a film in one’s esteem.

Such moments are important in helping the film surmount a rather wonky plot.  I’m not quite sure why Piper opted for such an odd porn filmmaker vs. fish doc set up – complete with the goofy “you got my mail” happenstance – that occasionally drags the film down as it splinters into odd directions.  The truth is the scattershot plot, which also includes some religious zealots, hurts the film at times when a straight up “monsters attack the locals” would have been sufficient.  Honestly, I wish Piper had done a more straightforward JAWS-type parody.  The film is, after all, a comedy of sorts and I’m saddened about the missed opportunities to poke fun at years of classic aquatic cinema. Perhaps the film is best known for being one of the first mainstream flicks to give porn legend Ron Jeremy as substantial supporting role.  He’s decent in his role and this was shot in the period before the Hedgehog – as Rodney Dangerfield as Thornton Mellon would say – ballooned up nicely.  And, contrary to what the Jeremy documentary PORN STAR (2001) would lead you to believe, he isn’t killed in this one.  Also, THEY BITE casts NYC comedian Charlie Barnett in one of his few acting roles (he was a supporting player on MIAMI VICE at the time).  Those are just two more reasons to see out this entertaining entry in the water logged history of soppy cinema, which also might win the award for best title of the 1990s.

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