The "Never Got Made" File #18: ESCAPE FROM BEYOND (1984)

We wind down our one week look at 3-D movies (which, naturally, ran for two weeks) with a sad glance at another "whatcouldbeen" flick. From 1981-83, 3-D looked like the gimmick that would keep on giving for filmmakers. Nobody could have seen (bah-dah-dah) how quickly 3-D would drop out of public favor. What cruel irony that Tony Anthony, one of the guys responsible for making 3-D popular again in the early '80s, couldn't get his 3rd feature made. COMIN' AT YA! had been a runaway (and unexpected) success. Anthony quickly re-teamed with producer Gene Quintano and director Ferdinando Baldi to make the highly enjoyable Indiana Jones riff TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS for Cannon films. Cannon was high on the project and 3-D so they planned a third 3-D feature with Anthony, despite TREASURE not performing at the box office. Behold ESCAPE FROM BEYOND!

Cannon announced the film in early 1983 and ran ads in the Variety and Hollywood Reporter. In October 1983, they ran a huge ad two page ad for the feature in Variety (above). Along with a projected 1984 release date, the film promised continuing Wonder-Vision 3-D and something called "The Flying Optical Frame"! Baldi was, once again, listed as the director and Reb Brown and Richard Lynch announced for the cast. Let that sink in a minute...Reb Brown...AND...Richard Lynch! No doubt Tony Anthony was going to be in the cast too.

Before any shooting took place, Anthony spoked with genre mag Cinefantastique in 1983 about the project. The film was to be shot on a budget of $5 million in Spain and Italy for a 1984 release. The film was originally described as a "space opera" but that idea what scrapped when SPACEHUNTER came out. As far as the plot goes, here is how Anthony described it:

"The story's roots are planted firmly in the pulps of the '30s: Spaceman Jimbojudd is an interplanetary bounty hunter who is accidentally thrown into a dimension where magic and madness are one and the same. Armed with his wits and a beautiful companion, he must survive a series of deadly encounters before his climactic battle with Cainem, an evil man with incredible powers."

So, yeah, that sounds like it could be badass. No doubt the spaceman would have been Reb Brown and Richard Lynch would have essayed the villain Cainem. I'd love to meet either guy and hear exactly how the production folded.

In addition to advertising in industry mags, Cannon also printed up a program filled with some preliminary artwork inside to sell it at film markets. Here are some pics of what was inside and, if this stuff looked half as cool as it does in art form, I think we would have had a pretty bitchin' 3-D movie. Alas, it was not meant to be and the film never got made.

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Revenge of 3-D: JAWS 3-D (1983) & THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE (1983)

Back in the ‘80s, JAWS 3-D was the highest grossing 3-D movie ever made. Maybe if Universal had any sort of confidence or even an inkling that it would be popular they would have made a better movie. Maybe.

Admittedly I enjoyed JAWS 3-D in the theater back in the day, but many walked out thinking it was crap. And they were right. Universal’s apathy toward its follow-ups can nowhere be more clearly seen that their JAWS sequels.

It is without any hyperbole to say that JAWS (1975) was a brilliant horror-thriller that in spite of its limited resources manages to fire on all cylinders, does everything right and cops-out on nothing. An excellent cast, superb script, brilliant score and a crew talented enough to manage to make the lack of budget invisible to the audience. I remember the lines that literally snaked down the block, across the street and around the corner to get in to see this film on a freakin’ weeknight. Budgeted at $8 million, JAWS pulled in over $7 million domestically on its opening weekend. This movie invented the Hollywood blockbuster. This is what every studio executive fantasizes about in private moments. JAWS was such a massive hit that the rampant merchandising never even seemed as forced as it does today. We not only wanted all that stuff, but we loved it. Well, that's not entirely true... I'm still a bit cranky about that crappy Super Nintendo game.

So, this little film that Universal thought was a joke and a flop waiting to happen, turns into the biggest blockbuster in the history of modern cinema. How do we follow this up? With JAWS 2 (1978), of course! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it and get that bitch out and into theaters before the magic wears off! JAWS 2 actually had a vastly expanded budget of $20-30 million (depending on the source), but in typical Universal fashion is cynically made and falls right into the classic sequel trap. The important cast members return (Roy Scheider reportedly did it as a contractual obligation) as does John William’s score, but Universal throws TV director Jeannot Szwarc on the bridge (after firing John D. Hancock) and it’s nothing more than a tedious rehash dressed up as a sequel. Here writer Carl Gottlieb, who co-wrote the original, provides a script with the same sheriff, same beach, same situation, except the twist is that this time no one believes his warnings (like they really did in the original?) and must fight a one-man war against the shark while lots of cheap actors are used for sharkbait. The only way to do this scenario right is to get an Italian to make it as absurd and violent as possible, a balls-out exploitation film, losing the pretensions of making a film as educated as the original. The original idea, as written by Howard Sackler, the lead writer of the original, was to have Chief Brody’s sons hunting down a new shark, a concept that Carl Gottlieb carries over into JAWS 3-D. The film became the highest-grossing sequel in history, succeeded by the release of ROCKY II (1979).

Following this, Universal went into state of confusion as to how to bring about the second sequel after the first, how ever profitable, got panned by the critics and filmgoers. One of the big ideas was to bring in National Lampoon and Joe Dante to make an insider industry spoof titled JAWS 3 / PEOPLE 0. This less violence / more comedy approach was being pushed by studio heads who obviously missed the trawler on the whole concept of what made JAWS successful to begin with. The spoof concept was finally killed after Universal spent over $2 million dollars on preproduction. Eventually they settled on doing a low-budget story that would take place in a new Sea World park in Florida. The extra-huge budget of JAWS II was never actually intended and would have never been given the greenlight on the outset, so this time Universal was going to keep the costs under control. One of their big mistakes in the cost-cutting department was dumping John Williams in favor of the more economically priced and relentlessly uninspired Alan Parker. “Hey, we got a killer shark, what the hell do we need fancy music for?” Clearly Universal was thinking that if they had to make another crap sequel, they might as well get some of the bankroll from Busch Theme Parks, owners of Sea World, their new partner in the Orlando joint venture. “We got a movie about sea life and we're in bed with Sea World... Bingo!” One wonders if the Sea World park managers were at all amused by Lou Gossett Jr’s eccentric New Orlean’s street pimp approach to the role which, among other things, pretty much makes Sea World look only slightly more competent than BP Oil.

Amusingly the credits read that the screenplay was “suggested by the novel by Peter Benchley”. Really? Damn, I have to admit I’ve never read the novel, but I may have to now, because I’m having a hard time buying that it did anything of the kind. Perhaps it suggested another bonus for Universal executives, that I could believe. In a throw-back to the unproduced original JAWS II concept Dennis Quaid and John Puch are supposedly the sons of Martin Brody, though this relationship is never explicitly stated, only hinted at by some brief bits of conversation where Sean Brody (Puch) mentions that he’s afraid of the water due to a childhood trauma and Mike Brody (Quaid) mentions that they grew up in Amity where they had “that shark attack”. Even later he vaguely mentions that it was he who traumatized his brother confusing the issue even further. These guys don’t need an elaborate backstory (these days they would be given at least 15 minutes of the film devoted to their up-bringing and the trauma would be shown in detail), but throwing out a few vague tidbits that don’t really add up to anything is either sloppy or the result of too many cooks in the kitchen. The final screen credits read “screenplay by Richard Matheson and Carl Gottleib, Story by Guerdon Trueblood”. Trueblood being a TV writer who's sole feature directorial credit is the sleazy cult-classic THE CANDY SNATCHERS (1973)! The mind boggles at what the film would have been like if only he were handed the directorial reigns.

Even worse, the Brody boys are two of the whiniest manchildren you are ever likely to meet and it’s difficult to imagine why Kelly (Lea Thompson, who in my advancing age is lookin’ surprisingly good in a bikini) would be the least bit attracted to this guy. Sean whines about being “the baby brother”, he whines about going swimming with a cute girl in a bikini, he whines about how the freakin’ bumper boats appear to be unsafe... Dude, grow a pair and shut the hell up! Chief Brody and Quint would listen to roughly two words out of this whiny punk before using him for chum, blood kin or not. Bess Armstrong who showed lots of potential in Mark Blankfeild’s counter-culture cult classic JEKYLL AND HYDE TOGETHER AGAIN (1983), here is given nothing to do as Kathryn, a marine biologist who is confined to being either The Wonderful Girlfriend Who Dreams of Marriage (to non-committal Mike) or The Ernest Scientist Who Cares about Animals (and is, of course, devastated by Sea World’s corporate greed). Dull scenes drag on and on and on with little happening other than lots of waterskiing acrobatics (presumably appealing to Busby Berkeley’s broad 1983 fan-base) and banal conversations about cutting down maintenance overtime (cue ominous music), personal relationships (“we need to talk… about us”), employee training (“we enforce our dress code here, so please keep your hair and nails trimmed”) and a bunch of other crap that’ll make you want to prop open your eye-lids with toothpicks. Some of this wouldn’t be so bad if Quaid could muster up even a microscopic amount of enthusiasm for the part. When having another “serious moment” with Kathryn, he says “god, I love it here” in the flattest monotone imaginable. He could be talking about waterborne bacterial infections with that delivery.

Simon McCorkindale (the guy you call when you can’t shell out the “big” bucks for Michael York) shows up as a famous aquatic photographer, Philip FitzRoyce, with his manservant, err, I mean, Aussie sidekick, Jack (British character actor P.H. Moriarty completely wasted and fumbling with his Aussie accent) who seems to be some sort of big game hunter type, but this is never really explained. The park’s pimp-walkin’ manager, Calvin Bouchard (Louis Gossett Jr. who reads the role as some sort of two-bit street-hustler in a three-piece suit), is instantly suspicious that FitzRoyce is there to expose the park’s presumably numerous safety violations. Only OSHA officials could find excitement in that plot device. More examples of glittering prose are found when FitzRoyce tries to get Kathryn to go out to dinner with him, to which she replies “Oh, I’m sorry Mr. FitzRoyce… That’s a behavior I just don’t do.” Oh, snap! No she di-uhn’t! Phew! Thar be some rough waters ahead…

Here Sea World’s new gimmick is underwater tubes connected to a central hub that guests can walk through to get to four underwater “attractions”. These attractions are simply sets that Sea World has built underwater and are not only non-interactive (except for the tentacles grabbing teenage girls in what would be massive legal safety issue), but look like they were made out of parts bought from Pet Mart’s clearance bin. The ultra-low budget special effects rely heavily on miniatures and blue screen and are really painfully obvious. The travelling mattes (remember those?) are thrown together so sloppily that some have significant edge-detection issues. The climactic scene where the shark rams the control room shattering the window is so slow and unrealistic that the reaction shots of the cast inside are slowed down in post so that the whole thing would look like it’s dramatic slow-motion. All of this would be ok (in a fun cheesy way) if the rest of the film were watchable. It’s not.

After a worker disappears, Mike and Kathryn take a mini sub to the “pirate ship” attraction (where we get the ultimate one-up of the clichéd hand-in-the-camera 3-D effect - a fake skeleton’s hand in the camera!) where the ship is attacked by what appears to be one of those plastic JAWS bath toys. The ship is rammed by the static shark who then grinds it into reverse and high-tails it out of there. Eventually the shark is captured and through Buchard’s corporate craziness is accidentally killed. As if finding the worker’s chewed up body (yes, sharks chew in this movie) wasn’t bad enough, during a dinner, the momma shark swims right up to the dining room window and roars her disproval at the cast (yes, sharks roar in this movie too), then it’s on like neckbone sucka, while the whole affair comes under attack by the roaring, chewing, backwards swimmin’ bitch with teeth (if this had come out after ALIENS in 1986, I’m positive that line would have been used).

At the time I enjoyed seeing the film on the big screen in 3-D. Some of the effects were less than stellar and this is unquestionably one of the top films for "stupid" 3-D effects. Someone had a lot of NoDoz-fueld late-night brainstorming sessions to come up with the lamest ways of thrusting things out into the audience (yes, I'm sure it was NoDoz, why do you ask?). While the underwater scenes of schools of brightly colored fish and coral reefs are actually pretty cool in 3-D, I’m pretty sure they were either filched from an IMAX 3-D short or shot by a different crew. The big 3-D gags are all bluescreen process shots and they are all really obvious. The severed arm was cool enough, but most of the 3-D shots are of inanimate objects that the camera would dolly in on. At the shipwreck attraction there is a pirate skeleton whose left arm is sticking out. Dolly in on that! There’s a tentacle coming out of a wall in the undersea kingdom. Dolly in on that! There’s a bent reed sticking out of that patch by the boat. Dolly in on that! Yes. I said a reed. Seriously, who brainstormed that? “We need some more objects to dolly into – wait! I got it! There’s water right? What is around water? Reeds! We’ll bend a reed back and it’ll stick out of the screen! Genius!”

The fact that this is the highest grossing 3-D film and, aside from THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE (1983), was the last studio 3-D film until modern day, tells us a couple of interesting things. Again, like FRIDAY THE 13th PART III (1982), more than just the core target audience bought a ticket. This was a film that would get asses in seats and a lot of those asses would belong to people who normally wouldn’t go see a 3-D horror movie. Such is the power of JAWS. As the band of the same era, Great White once philosophized, “my, my, my, once bitten, twice shy, baby.” In other words, if you get all the average schlubs into the theater then blow it, they aren’t going to be really interested in doing it again for another twenty years.

Any hesitation in thinking that Universal just doesn’t care would be instantly cast aside by the following sequel, JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987), which with a straight face bore the now infamous tag line “this time it’s personal.”

In August of ’83, Paramount released their true 3-D killer, THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE (1983). Up until this point 3-D had been the gimmick of genre movies, and Paramount actually made a brave step onto virgin soil with America’s first 3-D comedy!
This is how I heard it went down:

“Ok, so we want to break into the mainstream with 3-D, we don’t want just the pot-heads and the horny teens… but we want them too, so it can’t be too highbrow. Also, we have no budget and need to bang out a script by Wednesday lunch. ”
“Hmmm… can’t afford any major special effects, but then you don’t need ‘em for a comedy, that’s the beauty of it! Hmmmm…”
“I know! Let’s do an invisible man film! ”
“Brilliant! ”
“The Invisible Man in 3-D! ”
“Perfect! Nobody’s done and invisible man comedy and since he’s invisible, we’ll save tons of money!”
“Now, who are we going to get to play this invisible man?  They’d have to work cheap.”
“Hey, I heard Steve Guttenberg will work for a case of beer and a handjob! ”
“Done! Someone call my secretary and give her the bad news…”
At least, that’s the story I heard. Don’t quote me.

I was tempted to do a full write up, but I can’t seem to get my hands on a copy these days and don’t want to do a review based on decades old recollections. Besides it’s bad. Watch this clip and you’ll understand the meaning of the word. In addition to the 3-D effects being completely broken, the movie lacks the subtle educated wit of subsequent Guttenberg outings such as POLICE ACADEMY (1984), though it does have William Forsyth’s first screen appearance, so that must count for something.

The film lasted a week in the theaters and grossed a mere $2 million. Its tagline was “The funniest thing you've never seen!” It seems the marketing department were prophets.

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Revenge of 3-D: Sexploitation posters

When I was a kid, my parents got me this book called AMAZING 3-D that was, well, amazing. It came with its own glasses and had plenty of stuff that popped off the page at you. The biggest eye-grabber, however, was a poster for the Jane Russell feature THE FRENCH LINE (1953). "How could this not be the greatest film ever made?" thought my developing brain. Indeed, you can bet your bottom dollar that when the 3-D process was first hit it big that enterprising producers knew the best thing to get on film were naked folks. Makes you wonder how in the world Jayne Mansfield or Russ Meyer never made a 3-D film. Perhaps they knew it cause the end of humanity as we know it?

Enjoy a collection of colorful 3-D skin flicks that no doubt gave new meaning to the term comin' at ya! Much like our earlier PRISON GIRLS (1972) and WILDCAT WOMEN (1975) reviews, we hope to review them all down the line

And just so you don't think we are 3-D sexploitation snobs, we would be remiss if we didn't mention one of the 3-D sex genres pioneering titles in HEAVY EQUIPMENT (1977). This was made by Tom DiSimone, who previously gave us the softcore 3-D PRISON GIRLS. This is not only one of the first gay themed 3-D films but it is also considered a classic of the genre. More importantly, according to the book FLESHPOT, it is the only 3-D film to feature a "flying winged dildo." Ah, to have been a fly on the wall in a theater when that went down!

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Revenge of 3-D: SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE (1983)

Damn, how did I get stuck with another long-ass title to review? I’m surprised I didn’t get STARCHASER: THE LEGEND OF ORIN too! Believe it or not, I actually got to see this one in the theater. Unfortunately, like most 3-D films from that era that I saw (PARASITE, JAWS 3-D, AMITYVILLE 3-D) it was projected flat, so no extra dimensions for my 8-year-old brain. In fact, for the sake of total disclosure, I will openly admit that the first 3-D experience I had was the last 15 minutes of FREDDY’S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991). Like they say, you never forget your first (unfortunately).

Intergalactic garbage man Wolff (Peter Strauss) heads to a virus plagued planet to rescue three Earth chicks whose escape pod landed there after their ship randomly blew up. Wolff normally wouldn’t be bothered, but the promised 3,000 mega-credits (the future!) reward would help pay his debts and satiated his ex-wife. He lands on Terra XI with his droid Chalmers (Andrea Marcovicci) and locates the women. Unfortunately, the ladies are quickly abducted by minions of The Overdog (Michael Ironside), a former doctor sent to the planet that has mutated into a half-man, half-machine ruler. After losing his robot in the chaos, Wolff teams with teams up with scavenger Niki (Molly Ringwald) and former friend-turned-rival-hunter Washington (Ernie Hudson) as they follow the yellow brick road to Overdog’s command center.

That’s it for the plot. But you can’t fault it for being misleading as you do get a spacehunter and, indeed, we see his adventures in the forbidden zone. There are lots of weird encounters including retarded Molotov cocktail launching children; amphibious women who have a fire-breathing dragon; and some fat cannibals that look like John Candy on a bad day. What it lacks in plot in makes up for in fast action and excellent production design. The film features some great vehicles and "The Maze" (a torture obstacle course that Overdog sends victims into) is a sprawling set. It is funny because SPACEHUNTER was obviously inspired by MAD MAX and THE ROAD WARRIOR but you can see "The Maze" clearly inspired the Thunderdome and Bartertown in MAD MAX: BEYOND THUNDERDOME. The 3-D effects consist of lots of folks pointing weapons at the camera and firing their laser beams. With a poster declaring, “The first movie that puts you in outerspace” there is surprisingly very little time spent there (maybe 10 minutes max) and they never fully exploit what could have been done there in 3-D (hyperspace anyone?).

The acting is good all around. Strauss is handsome and witty enough for the heroic lead. Hudson acquits himself well in the thankless “We should be partners” buddy role. Ironside is appropriately psychotic and I really pity him for having to get in and out of Overdog’s complex costume – which involved him wielding big claws and being leg locked in a hydraulic lift – every day. I’m sure Ringwald’s character grated on lots of people’s nerves. I guarantee you that script described her as “spunky.” The relationship between Wolff and Niki is questionable as the filmmakers always show her cuddling up to him while they sleep. Add in the filmmakers giving her a skimpy costume and having Wolff wash her in said tank top (Ringwald was 15 when this was shot) and you get a film that Chris Hanson approves of.

It is surprising SPACEHUNTER even made it to the screen as it was a troubled production that saw the budget balloon from $4 to $12 million. They started shooting in October 1982 with a different director under the title ADVENTURES IN THE CREEP ZONE. The original script title was ROAD GANGS (where on earth did that get that concept?). Anyway, after two weeks, the production was halted and the footage by original director Jean LaFleur (ILSA THE TIGERESS OF SIBERIA) was deemed so bad that it was all scrapped. Ivan Reitman, the producer, fired him and hired TV vet Lamont Johnson to come in and finish it starting in November 1982. Given that tumultuous history, it is surprising the film even made it to theaters. Yet the film hit theaters on May 20, 1983 and did pretty decent, debuting in the no. 1 spot that weekend (it was the only new film opening). The adventures in the forbidden zone didn’t last long for audiences though as some film called RETURN OF THE JEDI debuted 5 days later and Overdog proved to be no match for Ewoks.

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Revenge of 3-D: FRIDAY THE 13th PART III (1982)

There has been little debate over what exactly caused the extinction of the newly reborn 3-D film in the ‘80s. Some claim it was fussy people who didn't want to put on glasses to see a movie; others point the finger squarely at cheap filmmaking with poorly realized 3-D effects. FRIDAY THE 13th PART III is a film that in spite of the fact that it did solid box office and is well liked among fans, it is unfortunately without a doubt one of the movies that brought about a heartbreaking death of 3-D cinema in the '80s.

Paramount and Universal, much like the dinosaurs, have always lead the pack in stogy resistance to anything new. They were the hold-out studios that refused to accept DVD as a new format back in the ‘90s. They called it a “fad” and insisted that it would die a quick consumer death, like Beta, but faster. After studios like Warner Brother’s who had quickly adopted the new format started seeing booming sales, only then did Paramount and Universal grudgingly adopt the new format, but flat out refused to release anything other than barebones theatrical releases. This attitude mirrors their feelings about exploitation films. Don’t get me wrong, they are more than happy to exploit their cash-cow franchises and I suppose they should be given credit for even sticking their crusty toe in the tri-dimensional waters, but their approach is cynical at best.


Like any Hollywood studio of the era, Universal and Paramount have a history of making sequels to their franchises. Unfortunately they seemed to have little faith in them. Even accounting for the law of diminishing returns, many of their sequels have been on the whole low budget and indifferently executed, or even just completely out of touch with audiences. Paramount's STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986) is a good example of the latter. Stuck in their backward thinking, didn’t put the money or the effort into these sequels and then made the logic leap to the inescapable conclusion that there’s no money to be made in doing them. The classic self-fulfilling prophecy. I firmly believe that Universal had no idea that PSYCHO II (1983) would be anything more than a cheap way to cash in on one of their old library titles, and expected it to be as memorable as your last meal at McDonalds.

The summer of 1982 saw the release of the film that really kicked off the 3-D revival. Charles Band’s indy flick PARASITE (1982) hit screens in March causing a lot of commotion, but in August, Paramount unloaded the marketing machine for their milestone 3-D flick, FRIDAY THE 13th PART III (1982). This was first big studio 3-D movie in over 25 years (last one being Universal's REVENGE OF THE CREATURE in 1955), and it turned into the second highest grossing 3-D movie ever made until JAWS 3-D (1983) came out the following summer. For something so seminal to an era and indelibly marked in pop culture, it is amazing how low-rent and shoddy this film really is. Because it was such a draw, it brought in a lot of people who were interested in seeing a 3-D film from a big studio, and a high-profile film like FRIDAY THE 13th PART III did just that. Got asses in seats that may not have been there otherwise. JAWS 3-D (1983) managed to do this also, and it is because of the sloppy, careless attitudes of these two studios that turned off a major portion of the movie-going population, leaving only the hard-core fans to throw-down the ducats. Any studio will tell you straight-up, they aren't in it for the hard-core fans. They don't want to appeal to you (I'm assuming you are as crazy as us), they want your neighbors and co-workers.

I have a real soft spot of this movie, but let’s be honest here, it's pretty cheap, even by the inexpensive nature of the franchise, or the genre, itself. It also abandons the "realistic" characters of the first two films and creates more of a comicbook world with a wannabe Tommy Chong and an absurdly cartoonish biker "gang" that consists of two dudes and a chica. It also features a classy white girl, who we are supposed to view as a ghetto Latina. "We don't take no food stamps!" It also slams the "annoying funnyguy" character into overdrive and gives us Shelly (Larry Zerner), the most pathetic and annoying loser of the entire franchise. In spite of this goofy approach to the material, it was the movie that really solidified the slasher film as a genre in the ‘80s, made the hockey mask an icon and hell, it was in 3-D! Yes, as much as I bitch about the relentlessly bad choices of things to shove in the face of the audience, I still get a kick out of it.

With only a handful of shooting locations, most of them being studio sets, you’d think they might be able to muster some claustrophobic atmosphere, but Steve Miner was unfortunately constrained by a tight shooting schedule and the difficulty of working in the 3D format. Shooting in 3D often meant an obscene amount of takes had to be done, the lighting had to be bright, and the actors had to hit their marks exactly. While the use of a new 3D lens made it possible for Miner to get some good movement out of the camera, some aspects of the production slipped.

At times Miner and company almost seem to be more interested in making a virtually sex and nudity-free sequel to PORKY’S (1982) rather than a sequel to his own dark and gritty FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2 (1981). The movie features two scenes of guys getting attacked while in toilets, hippies who smoke so much weed their van appears to be on fire, a dude who looks like Scott Baio, a snarky sex-pot, and a chubby Jewish kid that just wants to be liked to the point where the audience is ready to kill his annoying ass after his very first scene. And let's not forget the "farmboy" character, who talks like a city guy and not only wears a sweater, but wears a sweater around his neck like some sort of Eurotrash dude! Show up for work on any farm in the US and you will either be laughed out of the county or shot at, one of the two. The movie seems to be plotted in a way to go from one 3-D gag to another, which would be fine if the 3-D gags were even somewhat horror-ish. Instead we get yo-yo’s (which, I’ll admit, did make me flinch), apples, popcorn, joints, wallets, baseball bats, bales of hay, swinging ropes, etc. We do end up with the classic "eye popping" gag in addition to the really effective scene in which Andy (Jeffrey Rogers) looks up while walking on his hands to see Jason swinging a machete straight down between his legs. A scene that deeply disturbed me at the time. Actually, even with the lack of censorship in today's films, it's still an "instant clench" scene.

There are many films of the era that rely on stupidly conceived 3-D gags (such as 1983 AMITYVILLE 3-D’s long sequence in which a boom mic is slowly pushed into the audience), but for some reason the gags here wears thinner than most. Even AMITYVILLE 3-D had more going on in the first hour; John Harkins (Rush Limbaugh and John Quaid’s lovechild) chokes to death on evil, kamikaze flies fer cryin’ out loud. Here there is no Crazy Ralph character per se, just a crazy coot who is only in the beginning of the film due to studio edits, not really much of anything to whet the appetite except the presumably sit-comish white trash couple that provide more character annoyance, a cheap scare (a cameo from the white mouse in 1975s WILDCAT WOMEN), and a couple of mediocre kills that could be from any random '80s slasher. Why is it I can see a teenage Rob Cummings (aka Zombie) sitting in the theater thinking that this was the best part? "Lookit the white trash people! They are so, like, white and trashy!"

I can see a Paramount exec in a script meeting saying “who cares? The kind of people who go to see this will either be stoned or screwing in the back seat of their parent’s station wagon. Just get it done so we can shoot it!” The final 20 minutes is where this movie really musters up some iconic moments that will serve the series well for years to come. The scene where Jason, hanging from a noose, opens his eyes, lifts himself up, pulling the noose off and accidentally removing his mask to reveal his twisted fact, before quickly sliding it back on and dropping to the ground is a classic that never gets old. The scene where Jason takes an axe in the head and then raises his arms appearing to lunge right into the audience is without question a defining moment, not just in the series, but in cinema pop culture the world over. There are some other great moments as well, including Harry Manfredini’s notorious “disco” re-envisioning of the original score and the cheesy, but effective eye-popping scene, and the sadly edited split-torso bit, which keep me coming back and make me wistfully nostalgic of an entry that is book-ended by better films.

I give Paramount a bit more leniency than Universal as they actually come around and realize that sequels don’t necessarily need to be completely budget starved. FRIDAY THE 13th PART V: A NEW BEGINNING (1985) fumbled the ball by offering a cheap, scattershot and ill-conceived cash-in that did great the opening weekend, because nobody knew they were going to see what was essentially a side-story. After taking a lot of flack from fans (and, of course, critics) they got their heads screwed on straight and laid out a significantly improved budget for a solid cast and great premise that completely brought the series back to life (so to speak) with FRIDAY THE 13th PART VI: JASON LIVES (1986), though in fairness, it wasn’t as successful at the box office. I remember there being a sense of lingering resentment from friends and acquaintances (which to my mind means all audiences) who felt they had been duped the last time. Paramount may may be slightly better than Universal, but when it came to screwing up in 3-D, they decimated the competition. A month after the release of JAWS 3-D, Paramount released their true 3-D killer, THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE (1983).

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