The "Never Got Made" Files #69: George Romero's original DAY OF THE DEAD

Like many of his fellow horror directors, George Romero has a long list of unrealized projects (some of which we covered earlier here). Unlike his contemporaries, however, Romero can actually claim that he got an unmade project made with DAY OF THE DEAD (1985). Confused?  I hope so.  The third in his initial zombie trilogy, DAY OF THE DEAD was a decidedly different beast when Romero originally put pen to paper.  NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) had put Romero on the map and his follow-up DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) proved that not only did the horror filmmaker deliver the gut-munching goods, but also that audiences were receptive to the notion of a zombie nation.  DAWN grossed an estimated $55 million worldwide, unheard of for an unrated film.  Naturally, a third film was quickly considered by Romero and his producing partners at Laurel Entertainment.

The first public mention of the third film I can find came in a June 1979 Variety where Laurel listed it (“tentatively titled DAY OF THE DEAD”) among their future releases.  The article does mention that Romero had not started the script yet.  On December 13, 1979, a 5-page synopsis titled DAY OF THE DEAD written by Romero was granted a U.S. copyright.  The next three years saw little public activity on the script as Romero directed KNIGHTRIDERS (1981) and CREEPSHOW (1982).  This changed on December 18, 1982, just over three years from the first copyright, as Romero’s first draft of DAY OF THE DEAD was copyrighted. The screenplay came in at a whopping 216 pages, so the epic quality of DAWN definitely seemed to be carrying over.  A heavy editing session resulted in a third copyright just under a month later on January 13, 1983.  This script was registered at 145-pages and now bore the title OLD SOLDIERS NEVER DIE, SATAN SENDS THEM BACK!: DAY OF THE DEAD. Apparently ol’ George had it in for the folks who changed the movie marquees back then.

Now here is where things get interesting.  Romero’s new script was certainly more ambitious than DAWN in that it traded a shopping mall with minimal characters for an inhabited island with lots of characters.  That means more money to spend on production and Laurel figured they would need a budget of about $7 million to do the film properly.  United Film Distribution Company (UFDC), who had a three-picture deal with Laurel and had previously released KNIGHTRIDERS, didn’t feel they could recoup their investment on an unrated picture.  The film’s rating was the major sticking point as advertising for unrated films had been strangled in the years between sequels.  If Romero could deliver an R-rating, he could get the big budget. If not, UFDC would only pony up $3.5 million. Romero, bless him, would not budge on the rating aspect, knowing his main man Tom Savini needed a chance to shine (remember kids, this was before unrated video releases were the rage). With a contractual filming deadline looming, the director again chipped away at his script during early 1984, bringing it down to 104-pages (the version we review below). Regardless, it was still deemed too expensive to make ($4.5 million) and this led Romero to do a major overhaul of his original script, resulting in the DAY OF THE DEAD film fans know today.

A considerable sense of déjà vu will overcome any Romero deadhead when they start reading this script.  Opening 5 years after the zombie outbreak (the actual year given is 1987), the screenplay kicks off with the same opening as the released DAY as a group of survivors land (via boat rather than a helicopter) in an unnamed Florida city looking for other living humans.  The “Hellllllo? Is anyone there?” cries are met only with the groans of the dead walking the street alongside alligators.  Our survivors – latinos Sarah, Miguel, Chico, Maria, and Tony – then head out looking for gas and discover some in a small dock.  This results in a firefight with some unfriendly locals who want their weapons; several group members are injured in the clash with Sarah chopping off boyfriend Miguel’s arm to avoid infection following a zombie bite (a bit carried over to the final DAY). Once back in the safety of their boat and out to sea, the group loses Tony, who succumbs to his gunshot wounds and comes back as a zombie, and his girlfriend Maria.  The remaining trio decides it is best to try and make it to an island…any island.

Yup, Rhodes is still a prick

Their small tugboat finally reaches Gasparilla’s Island, an isolated “tropical paradise” with no visible inhabitants.  (It should be noted there is a real Gasparilla’s Island off Florida, but it doesn’t appear to be the one Romero is using here.)  While exploring the land, the group is shocked to discover the opening to an underground facility.  Hiding in the dense bushes, they watch as a group of military men led by Captain Rhodes emerge from underground. Even more shocking is what they have with them – zombies in red jackets with rifles that seem trained to act as soldiers. Trying to sneak back to their boat, the interlopers draw the attention of the Rhodes and his undead army.  Miguel, who has gone quite mad since losing his arm, is killed in the ensuing shootout and Chico is captured and tortured by Rhodes before a sympathetic guard, Toby Tyler, puts the injured man out of his misery. Naturally, this draws the ire of the sadistic Rhodes and he later has his underling drawn up on charges of insubordination.

John, Bill and Sarah -
together again for the second time

As the only survivor, Sarah tries to make her way back to the boat but is attacked in the night by some zombies.  She is saved by a group of humans that include John, Bill McDermott and mute girl Spider.  John breaks down the island’s caste system for Sarah. Living high on hog underground is former Florida Governor Henry Dickerson, who has adopted the nickname Gasparilla from the Spanish pirate, and his Doral Country Club cronies; below them is the military led by Captain Rhodes; working alongside Rhodes are Dr. Mary Henried and Dr. Julie Grant, who are responsible for the conditioning and experimental training of the zombies; and finally there is the working class residing topside in the fenced-in, zombie-surrounded shantytown Stalag 17 who do most of the manual labor and unwittingly supplying the zombie munchie incentives during instruction sessions. Within the workers is a small rebel movement led by John and supported by various folks including Dr. Logan, a patchwork medic who is already certifiably insane.

Such conditions obviously set the stage for a battle between the have and the have-nots. Rhodes has Tyler sentenced to three months hard labor topside and he quickly joins up with the rebels, who are planning on escaping from the powers that be.  Their plan is to subdue the guards (using a plant with anesthetic qualities found on the island) and slip Dr. Mary, Tyler’s love interest, out so they can sneak off the island.  Trouble starts though when Logan goes off his rocker and decides he and a few followers are going to start their own holy war by blowing up the underground base with nitroglycerin snuck into the facility by hiding it in glass tubes inside Spider’s body. Naturally, all hell breaks loose in the underground facility and our heroes have to survive both crazed military men and armed zombies alike.  Oh, and protect the children. Yes, Romero lazily introduces a room of school children out of nowhere during the film’s final battle.

As you can see, several of the main characters from the final DAY already existed in Romero’s earlier drafts.  Lead character Sarah is Latino in this script and it appears Romero fused her and a part of the Dr. Mary Henried scientist character into the role eventually played by Lori Cardille.  The best change is that Sarah doesn’t retain any of Dr. Mary’s timidity and isn’t as much of a push over.  John is the still the central male hero character; although he has a stronger Caribbean accent here and is deeper into religion (the final scene literally has him as John the Baptist as he baptizes everyone on the new island).  Bill McDermott still has his flask and quips handy.  Rhodes is pretty much the same old Rhodes, although here he has a vested emotional interest in a previous relationship with Henried.  Interestingly, his support system of equally despicable enablers/underlings is missing here.  By far the biggest change is with Dr. Logan, who is far removed from his final character.  He is crazy from the get-go here and has no interaction with the zombie students.  In the final film, Logan definitely has a few screws loose, but he also had the zombie teacher aspect applied to Dr. Henried here.  And, of course, there is everyone’s favorite zombie Bub.  He is again the top zombie in his class, but his evolution seems a bit too advanced.  Not only is able to fire two six-shooters from his hips, but he can slap on his own holster and reload as well.  He does still give Rhodes his comeuppance, but it is done in a classic western standoff with Bub shooting him twelve (!) times.  Joining Bub are a few other smart zombies with nicknames like Tonto (because he is Indian) and Bluto (because he looks like the Popeye character).

This evolution might be the script’s biggest problem – the leap between DAWN and this DAY is just excessive.  Going from the mindless “they can use tools” zombies in DAWN to the quick learning pus buckets (thank you, Joe Polito) in this script is just too much, too soon.  For example, Henried teaches Bub to shoot at a certain color in one quick scene in the finale.  Quick learner, this brain dead zombie is.  As it reads, this is the perfect fourth film in the series (in fact, several ideas would appear 20 years later in Romero’s LAND OF THE DEAD [2005]), but there needed to be something in between

to bridge the gap.  The script does still have some other major problems, namely the dictator-in-chief Gasparilla. Described by Romero as a huge fat man with a handlebar mustache (really!) that “makes him look like Pancho Villa,” the character is a complete caricature and over-the-top.  No joke, his first scene has him gorging on fresh fruit during a military tribunal where he holds court in a General’s jacket with a Hawaiian shirt underneath.   He also likes to hold orgies where he makes hookers work out naked on exercise machines. Well, that ain’t too bad.  Someone as vicious as Rhodes listening to this guy’s commands is a bit silly.  Even if he is the benefactor of this island retreat, I have no doubt that, had the world ended in a zombie apocalypse, that someone would have made sure he “died” comfortably in his sleep rather than put up with him.

As it stands, even in its truncated form, Romero’s original DAY OF THE DEAD script is a fun read.  It has lots of action from the opening scene all the way to the end.  It is funny because Romero told The Zombies That Ate Pittsburgh author Paul Gagne in 1985 that he couldn’t yet remove himself from the difficult process of having to rewrite his script in order to accurately gauge his final film.  More recently, Romero has come around and states that DAY OF THE DEAD is his favorite of the original DEAD trilogy.  I’m inclined to agree with him as it seems to have the perfect balance of personal and political struggles mixed with some jaw-dropping (literally) effects work and one of the strongest zombie performances in cinema history (Howard Sherman as Bub).  I’m actually glad that Romero didn’t make his original film as intended as the trilogy needed something like the released DAY to show the zombie evolution in its infancy.  When there’s no more room in development hell, the creator of the dead builds a better movie.

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Sci-Fried Theater: HARD KNUCKLE (1987)

In the world of exploitation cinema there are those that give the people what they want, and there are those that give the people what they want, but in their own special way. Lucio Fulci gave the people and his financial backers what they wanted (flesh eating zombies), but he did it his way. Instead of just doing a straight rip-off of DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978), which is what everyone wanted of him, he delivered a zombie menace in an old-school voodoo setting that echoed WHITE ZOMBIE (1932) just as much as DAWN OF THE DEAD. Sure, it also pushed graphic on-screen undead carnage way past the already impressive level set by the Pittsburgh peeps, but it takes more than that to make it a true classic of exploitation cinema.

The Italians weren’t alone in this purpose of vision, either. The Australians also took their exploitation filmmaking seriously, writing interesting plotlines and quirky characters into what are essentially low-rent potboilers. An excellent example of this would be HARD KNUCKLE. The Aussies may have re-invented the western (with the help of Bob Clouse’s 1975 epic THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR) with the MAD MAX films, but they let the Italians and Filipinos exploit their success. When they did take the time to riff on it, you can bet that it’s not going to be what you expected.

Have you ever watched MAD MAX and thought, “damn, what this really needs is a good game of pool!” Yeah, I know, we all have. But then did you think to yourself, “a good game of pool where the loser gets his finger chopped off in a big-ass cigar cutter!” Well this is for you! Aussie character actor Gary Day’s one screen-writing credit is exactly this. As someone who at one time used to watch hours of competition pool on ESPN and is clinically obsessed with post-apocalyptic cinema, Gary Day is now my hero. Yeah, I don't know how the finger cutting comes in, but whatever.

Rolling back into town after a stretch of soul-searching in the wasteland, one-time pool champ Harry (Steve Bisley), has shaken his life-wrecking love-affair with the bottle. If there is one thing that science fiction writers like to ponder it is the nature of being human. If there is two things, it is what people will do for entertainment. ROLLERBALL (1975) hypothesized that the corporations would get larger and sporting events would become more violent. In SALUTE OF THE JUGGER (1989), David Webb Peoples downsized the corporations and made the post-apocalyptic passtime a dirty, brutal version of football where anyone could put together a team and get their teeth knocked in. Here, Day has decided that in a run-down dystopian anarchistic society, sports would be even further downsized to a more logical conclusion. Every town has a pool hall where wagers can be placed by an agent for his pro in tournaments. If you don’t have the cash (here represented by pill packets), you can always play on the Knuckle Table. The knuckle table is a game of pool where a black tile is set in the middle of the table after the break. Whoever knocks over the tile while making their shot has a digit removed and the tile is reset. The game continues until there is a winner, or, presumably, nobody has any fingers left. The audience puts up the stakes for the winner, the house provides a bunsen burner and a tin plate to cauterize the stump(s) of the loser.

Harry discovers his old rival TopDog, who he blames for ruining his life (and taking his motorcycle in a game), is living up to his name at the local pool hall. Harry is hell bent for revenge, but doesn’t have a manager for a title shot. Nor has he worked up the ladder. After a local urchin volunteers himself to be the manager, Harry, works his way up the in a tournament, only to be beaten down and robbed in the street by TopDog’s twitchy manager, Vince (Esben Storm). After a somewhat elaborate bit of revenge which leaves TopDog trussed up like a chicken, hanging in front of the pool hall, Harry with street-urchin-cum-manager, set out on a road-trip of sorts to hustle some of the smaller town tables, get enough cash for that title shot. Trouble is, the yokels don’t like being hustled and TopDog, spitting nails, decides to go after Harry himself.

Only in Australia. Seriously, there is no way in hell this movie would get made in America, even in that more tolerant era when there was so much demand for product that fucking Donald Farmer could make it into your video store. The movie isn’t really a pool movie as such, and not really a post-apocalyptic movie, either. It’s more of a character-driven film that is a sharply written and really entertaining tip-of-the-hat to Paul Newman’s classic THE HUSTLER (1961). Not only is it surprising that it got made at all, but it’s doubly surprising that it was made for television. There are plenty of TV movies made in the States that are well worth viewing, but they tend to be either low-rent ripped-from-the-headlines exploitationers or low-rent box-office knock offs. I can’t imagine this movie getting pitched to a TV executive. “So you want to do a MAD MAX rip-off? Great! Wait, what was that about pool?”

Day spends a lot of effort overcoming his lack of budget with tons of great little moments, such as the subplot in which TopDog takes a train to where he thinks Harry is going to be hustling. TopDog is a complete prick to a polite card player, who he later learns is the owner of the pool hall Harry is playing in and is really not pleased with TopDog’s attitude. Even though Day wrote the part of TopDog for himself (and is clearly having a blast playing the part to the hilt), he never softens the character up too much or makes him a really likable guy. He’s an asshole who enjoys being an asshole, but also has some honorable qualities. Yes, a muli-faceted character. In a TV movie. Really!

In spite of what is obviously a low budget, director Lex Marinos (something of a staple of Aussie TV) gives the film a very detailed, retro-future, almost Fallout-esque, look which makes the film feel bigger than it is. Add to that David Skinner’s very cool Ry Cooder style bluesy, slide guitar score and you have a movie that fires on all cylinders and is more than the sum of its parts. Ok, to be fair, it's not an action movie. Nobody wages war for a tank of juice and no dwarves are able to blow their whistles at the end of the film. Because of this it is likely to turn some people off who are wanting something more fast paced and action oriented. On the other hand, you'll be missing out on a great movie if you let that get in your way.

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Strung Out on Slashers: BLOOD SISTERS (1987)

I have a confession to make – I love Roberta Findlay!  Well, I love her movies.  The strange this is I’ve never seen the “big” films she has been associated with. Somehow the late 1960s FLESH trilogy (THE TOUCH OF HER FLESH, THE KISS OF HER FLESH, and THE CURSE OF HER FLESH) made with her husband Michael has never passed before my eyes.  And, at the risk of losing virtual street cred, I’ve never seen SNUFF (1976), their reworking of a South American film that fooled both deviants and naïve protestors alike.  So what is the source of my affection?  It is Findlay’s 1985 works TENEMENT (“Tenement…it’s the place to be” goes the theme song) and THE ORACLE.  An action and horror picture, respectively, both of these films have a unique feel all their own.  Filmed in real New York City locations with mostly unknown actors, they sidestep the artifice of soundstages and sets; production design courtesy of real life.  Naturally, Findlay’s further excursion into low budget horror in the late 1980s (BLOOD SISTERS, LURKERS, and PRIME EVIL) drew my interest.

BLOOD SISTERS opens with a young boy being ridiculed by a young girl for 1) asking to cop a feel for some candy, 2) having a whore for a mom and 3) not knowing who his father is.  Damn, that little girl is cold and she's quite the gossip too. Her actions soon send the little tyke over the edge.  He runs home to a big house on the hill, which also happens to be a whorehouse, and blasts a woman and her client with a shotgun (it is unclear if this is his mother or not).  Haha, that’ll teach that little girl.  Okay, Freudian death openings aside, the film proper picks up 13 years later at a college during Hell Week. A group of 7 girls are pledging Kappa Gamma Tao sorority and this involves them drinking red liquid from a big ass cup and attending the lamest dance you’ll ever see.  And this is quite a happening party, let me tell you.  You know it is a wild night when the token fat guy grabs an orange slice out of someone's drink with his teeth.  Someone stop that party animal!

What they don’t know is the biggest part of their initiation lies ahead.  Sorority leader Linda (Amy Brentano) apparently has seen HELL NIGHT (1981) and decided the girls need to spend the night at the spooky old house where the murders took place as part of their hazing.  But she is going to make them work for it as she has planned a scavenger hunt where the girls have to find various items, not knowing that the house has been rigged with a bunch of scary gags by Linda’s jock boyfriend Ross (Dan Erickson) and his pals.  Naturally, we get every stereotype in the book with this crowd.  There is the snotty rich girl, the nerdy girl with glasses, the athletic girl, the constantly horny girl (who sneaks her boyfriend in, of course), the lesbian, the fat girl (who always has food in her hands), and the girl with no noticeable quality.  The one girl no one expected to show up is the hulking “girl” in drag who starts killing off our hapless sorority babes one-by-one.  Who could it be?  Hmmm, that boy in the opening was about 7 or 8 and 13 years have passed.  Hey!  I think I might know who is killing these lovely young ladies.

You can’t really hold a Roberta Findlay movie to the normal standards of the horror genre.  Her work won’t hold up against a classic like FRIDAY THE 13th (1980) and her style would get smoked by Sam Raimi.  So don’t take my endorsement of this film as an indicator that it is a “good” film.  The film, however, has a unique low budget charm that endears itself to me.  And, honestly, can you really hate on a film with a big scary house (perhaps the film’s best asset), prostitute ghosts, a slasher in a big silk nightgown, and a bevy of babes who are willing to get topless?  Okay, that last line really lets you know how cheap and easy I really am.  But I just love this type of movie.  It is the kind of movie where a girl can become possessed and sexually aroused by finding an old nightgown hanging in a closet.  Seriously, who hasn’t that happened to in real life?  It is the kind of movie where three girls see ghosts walk right in front of them, yet in the very next scene one girl is adamant that the house isn’t haunted (“Visions? Haha, I might have to die from laughing.”).  It is the kind of film where the final girl asks the killer the classic “why are you doing this” line and the reply is, “I’m crazy.” BLOOD SISTERS works with its own logic, not giving a damn about, well, logic.  I’ll take it.

Besides, Findlay reveals during an interview on the Shriek Show DVD that the only reason this movie was made is because TENEMENT and THE ORACLE had made a lot of money and they wanted to elude the taxman.  Has a film born in order to escape tax levees ever turned out badly? Wait, don’t answer that. There are inspired moments in the film (some of the ghostly flashbacks are well done with effective lighting and mirrors) and there are bits where you could tell Findlay didn’t give a damn (like when the cops pull away in the end and you can see the intersection and houses near this “isolated” mansion; or the killer’s right hand alternating between holding a knife and the victim’s shirt between shots). Also on the DVD is a great Joe Bob Briggs commentary where he goes into detail on Findlay’s career and even lets you know all about the careers (or non-careers) of the players and production folks.  BLOOD SISTERS ain’t going to change your world.  Hell, it probably won’t even enter your world.  But if it does, make sure to treat it like you would a beloved family pet - with love, honor, respect and the ability to laugh at it when it does dumb things.

 

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Oh, Thank Heavener: TWISTED JUSTICE (1990)

We're making history here at VJ with our first guest review.  After all, how could we possibly turn down an offer for a review of a David Heavener flick?  Heavener's work is a unique sub-sub-genre that we've been meaning to cover here, but haven't due to lack of time and sanity.  Without further ado, here is Guest Reviewer/Heavener addict Jamie Edwards trying to get you hooked on the heavenly Heavener.  Enjoy!

First off, I want to say thanks William and Thomas for the opportunity to do a guest review. So thank you good sirs, it's an honor. Ok, onto a topic near and dear to me: The films of Mr. David Heavener! Heavener comes from the school of D.I.Y. low budget film making. Since the late 80's he's literally been a one man movie making machine, often acting/directing/producing/writing and even doing the music for his films. I've seen almost all of them, and I’m not going to sit here and tell you they're all cinematic perfection. But more often than not, they deliver what a good low budget movie should: Action, entertainment, and a little humor thrown in. My favorite of his films (heck, my favorite low budget action movie of all-time) is TWISTED JUSTICE. I've been championing this movie to friends/whoever will listen to me for the past 10 years. Yep, it's your turn now!

The story takes place in Los Angeles circa 2020. Guns have been outlawed and even the police aren't allowed to carry them. Renegade cop James Tucker (Heavener) plays by his own rules. This frequently finds him butting heads with Police Commander Gage (Erik Estrada). The irony here is Estrada went from being the cop who irritated his sergeant on CHiPs, to being the irritated sergeant. But I digress. Tucker is a man of action, cool under pressure, smooth with the ladies, wearer of long johns, and always armed with a witty quip. He's the man you call when all else has failed.

And speaking of that, the movie opens with Tucker being called in to diffuse a tense situation (he arrives in style in his futuristic 72 Buick Riviera complete with "TUCK U" personalized license plates!). A man (Don Stroud) hopped up on a new designer drug called Umbra is on top of a refinery threatening to blow everyone up with a bomb. Apparently Umbra makes you crazy and gives you superhuman strength, kind of like PCP - OF THE FUTURE! (to borrow a line from MST3k). Negotiations break down and Tucker has to shoot him with tranquilizer darts, which of course have no effect. A fight ensues and ultimately Tucker is forced to pull out his contraband gun and put some holes in Mr. Stroud. There's a few actors that I think automatically make a movie better/more interesting just by them being in it. Guys like Dick Miller, Gary Busey, Clu Gulager, and Tim Thomerson. I’d put Don Stroud on that list too. It's too bad he's offed at the beginning of the movie, but a little "crazed Don Stroud" is better than none at all I always say.

Next we're introduced to a new crazed psycho (David Campbell), and he's paid a prostitute to put on some fake blood and pose so he can take lurid photos of her ("look buster, this blood crap is your idea, not mine!"). Strange hobby, but he is a crazed psycho after all.

"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Deranged."

We then cut back to the police station, and Commander Gage is giving Tucker his usual "you've crossed the line" type lecture (bonus points for it including the phrase "damn good cop"). One thing I never grow tired of is the angry chief "you've crossed the line" lectures in cop movies, keep 'em coming I say. The scene ends with Commander Gage demanding Tucker turn in his gun or his apartment will be searched.

The crazed psycho is now on to his next target, Mrs. Granger (Karen Black), the wife of the Downing chemical corporation co-owner. He's poses as a limo driver and takes Mrs. Granger out to a secluded area, chases her around with a knife, and stabs her to death. Both Mrs. Granger and a previous victim were found with a bull’s eye painted in blood on their bodies, leading the media to believe both killings were the work of the "Bull’s Eye Killer". Commander Gage makes good on his promise to search Tucker's apartment for the weapon, and sends Jim Brown and James Van Patten over to turn his place inside out.

Thanks to a tip from the prostitute, the police start to piece together a connection between the murders, Umbra, and the chemical company. Gage assigns Tucker to the case while a woman from a police watchdog commission named Andrea Layton (Julie Austin) barges into Gage's office. She's none too happy with the rumors that Tucker has a gun and vows to stay all over him like a cheap suit.

Tucker goes back to the Granger murder scene to search for clues. At this point I should mention that he communicates with HQ through a dispatcher named Hinkle. Hinkle and Tucker have never met face to face, and Hinkle has a deep, electronically altered voice (why, I’m not sure) which leads Tucker to believe Hinkle is a man. In reality, Hinkle is played by the lovely Shannon Tweed. This leads to a running gag where Hinkle flirts with Tucker, and Tucker has to find ways to fend off her passes.

While out at the crime scene, Tucker runs into the killer, who then escapes by car. The car chase scene that follows ends up at the killer's hideout. He's brought down by tranquilizer darts and evidence is found that shows he's a chemist and ex-Downing employee named Steelmore. Gage is thrilled that the Bull’s Eye Killer has been brought in (and without the use of guns) and asks Tucker to appear on the "Sally Winfrey" talk show to discuss the gun ban.

But wait! Steelmore is released on a technicality! Tucker finds this out while taking a shower at Andrea Layton's house! Even the tough-as-nails Andrea isn't impervious to Tucker's charms. It's revealed that the murders are part of an extortion plot by Steelmore to keep his chemical supply from Downing flowing so he can continue making/using Umbra. Jim Brown and James Van Patten show back up at Tucker's place for another gun search. Brown (one of the baddest men ever to play in the NFL) is startled when he finds Tucker's pet rat "Freud" chillin' in the medicine cabinet. I don't want to spoil how Tucker hides his gun, but it's quite clever. With Steelmore back on the streets, he continues with his murder plot. Now all that's left is the final showdown.

TWISTED JUSTICE has several things going for it. The cast of veteran actors seem to be having a good time with their roles. Plus David Heavener's easy going persona and dry sense of humor help elevate it above your average low budget action flick.

Gun nut, rat lover and Raiders fan?

That explains it all!

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Theatrical Trip: CREATURE (2011)

Just when I thought it was safe to go back to the theater…

Earlier this year I regaled you with the tale of how DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT (2010) bombed in 18th place its opening weekend.  I was immediately drawn to it like a chick to a bad boy. “Nothing can top that abysmal opening,” I said confidently.  And then came along CREATURE.  I only found out about this swamp monster flick a week or so before it came out thanks to some annoying flash ads on horror news sites.  “Okay,” I thought, “they are probably getting this in a few hundreds theaters.” Nope, The Bubble Factory managed to get this bad boy into over 1,500 theaters.  It still didn’t interest me though as the trailer made it look like every other bad modern horror movie.

But then something magical happened: the weekend box office figures came out. CREATURE had broken box office records…well, the bad kind of box office records.  The film came in 29th place this past weekend.  It bombed so bad that Yahoo.com had it up as the lead news story for a bit on Monday, September 12.  How bad were the numbers?  The film raked in a measly $327,000 over the weekend with a per screen average of $217.  As the Yahoo article imaginatively put it, that amount “is about what one row of moviegoers spent on popcorn for the last HARRY POTTER movie.”  It was officially the worst wide opening for a movie EVER!  Once again my bad movie junkie craving kicked in and soon I was off to see if CREATURE really does have teeth.  Like I’ve always said, it will make a good story for the grandkids. Whose grandkids? I still haven’t figured out.

CREATURE opens with a bang with a scene of a woman stripping down and going skinny dipping in the swamp.  An unseen monster then takes a bite out of her while she splashes around in the water.  Well, at least I know debuting director Fred Andrews has seen JAWS (1975).  Actually he one ups Spielberg by having the victim crawl out of the water and the camera cranes up to reveal she has no legs.  BAM! CREATURE does have teeth and this is fixing to be good. What I didn’t know that Andrews was working opposite of the idea of saving the best for last.  Like many films before it, the film proper gets rolling with a six twentysomethings out to have a good time.  We have siblings Oscar (Dillon Casey) and Karen (Lauren Schneider), Randy the Marine (Aaron Hill) and his girlfriend Beth (Amanda Fuller), and Randy’s sister Emily (Serinda Swan) and her new boyfriend Niles (Mehcad Brooks), an ex-Navy Seal.  Traveling through the back roads of Louisiana on their way to the Big Easy, the group stops at a gas station (“We ain’t got no gas”) run by Chopper (Sid Haig).  Oscar is immediately entranced by a cheapjack display on the local monster legend Lock-Jaw and the creepy locals tell him of the nearby house belonging to the man-monster.

With some quick convincing, he gets the group to agree to check out the old house associated with the legend (“You know I love this kind of shit,” opines Karen).  On the way, Oscar fills them in on the story of Lock-Jaw and let’s just say it ain’t the trismus kind (thank you, Wikipedia).  Seems back in the 19th century swamp living Grimley (Daniel Bernhardt…yes, the guy from the BLOODSPORT sequels) was the last of his line and all set to bear a child with his kid sister.  Ewww.  But the incestuous “I do” got postponed when the bride was eaten by an albino alligator.  So, as the legend has it, Grimley tracked this beast to its underground cave and killed it.  Distraught, he remained in this grotto and gorged himself on the human flesh lying about.  Somehow this transformed into a half-man, half-alligator.

Anyway, the kids make it to Grimley’s old house and, well, they don’t do anything there.  They get scared off by some birds and no one actually goes into the house. Along the way Oscar is bitten by some spiders but no one seems to care (despite the huge welts on his arms).  The group decides to camp there for the night and you know what that means – campfire drinking, pot smoking and, hey look, Niles the Navy Seal brought his guitar (in one of the film’s major disappointments, he never plays a tune). However, things aren’t as serene as they seem. First off, there is this hulking monster out there in the swamp.  Second, is that – ah, screw it, I’m going to ruin a big plot twist here so skip the next line if you don’t want to know – Oscar and Karen are actually Chopper’s kids and have led the other folks out here to be sacrifices in a ritual for Mr. Monster Grimely.

To steal a line from my DYLAN DOG review, there isn’t really a lot to say about this film.  So let’s start off with the good. There is that opening scene and…hmmm…I think that is about it.  Okay, I take that back as I also thought the acting was good by pretty much the entire cast.  Dillon Casey and Lauren Schneider actually did their turns well and the incestuous relationship is actually pretty disturbing thanks to an onscreen handjob scene.  Amanda Fuller, previous seen giving an excellent performance in the ultra-grim RED, WHITE & BLUE (2010), is also good in her supporting role.  And Mehcad Brooks is fine in his role as the hero who has to go mano-a-clawo with the monster, even if the script does him no favors.  It was also refreshing that the filmmakers avoided all talk of cell phones, got some nudity in there (I’m easy) and didn’t work in some lame movie reference dialogue (aka the Tarantino Effect). Also on the plus side, at least the filmmakers didn’t jump on the lame post-conversion 3-D horror craze.  I’m forever thankful as the last thing I need to see is Sid Haig’s big belly swinging at me off the screen.

Of course, for every step forward there are two steps back.  The set up is so generic that I had to make sure I wasn’t watching VENOM (2005) or HATCHET (2006) again. Gee, another “kids in the swamps of Louisiana” movie.  Director and co-writer Andrews seems to have cataloged what he thinks every modern horror movie needs (monster, teens, inbred rednecks, torture scene, pot) and checked them off one by one. While the image of Sid Haig in a wifebeater might still give Rob Zombie a boner, it has been done to death.  Even worse are the braindead moments littered throughout the script.  My favorite was Niles being shot in the leg with a shotgun and then bolting like his name was Usain in the very same scene.  And he just keeps on running like nothing happened to him. Also equally unspectacular is the titular star.  A horror movie can live or die by its monster and if you’re going to name your film CREATURE, you better deliver on that promise.  The creature here is pretty lame, looking like the bastard lovechild of comedian Rondell Sheridan and the monster from THE TERROR WITHIN (1989) if it had hit they gym.

The design is doubly disappointing when you know that Andrews spent most of his film career as a production designer. I’m also sad to report that the creature goes down pretty easily and, worst of all, it happens off screen!  Seriously, Andrews has survivors Niles and Emily get swallowed into a sinkhole with my boy Creature and then Niles emerges with its jaw in his hand.  I guess if the Navy Seals got Osama Bin Laden then Grimley was no sweat.  In a final funny bit, the duo throw the jawbone, literally their only evidence the creature existed, onto the roadside for an armadillo to eat.

My shame!

So is CREATURE really deserving of the dubious distinction of being the worst wide release box office bomb of all-time?  Not really.  It certainly isn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen in the theaters.  But it also doesn’t deserve to be released in 1,500 theaters.  With horror distribution getting choked to death a little bit more each day, it is sad to see something so utterly mundane get out to the public (even if they didn’t watch it).  Really good horror films have struggled to hit screens so watching this unspooling on screens is downright painful. Chances are the $30 bucks the producers culled from the 6 people in our theater (although I don’t think one guy paid) aren’t paving the way for CREATURE II: BAYOU BLOODBATH.

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The "Never Got Made" Files #68: THE ANGER (1984)

I documented the history of the unmade anthology BLOODY PULP (1982) a few weeks back, but little did I know that I would inadvertently have another unfinished film project fall into my lap.  While researching PULP, I decided to look up information on New York-based special effects artists and found profiles on Tom Lauten and Jennifer Aspinall in Fangoria issues #40 and #43, respectively. While finding info on PULP proved to be unsuccessful, I noticed both articles mentioned an unfinished UK production called THE ANGER.  One of the sole clues about the film’s construction was that it was produced by one Mike Lee. “Hmmm,” I thought, “the BLOODY PULP guys later worked with Michael Lee on TWISTED SOULS (aka SPOOKIES). I wonder if it is the same guy.”  A quick inquisitive email asked PULP co-creators Thomas Doran and Frank Farel if they knew anything about the mysterious THE ANGER. My hunch paid off big time as Doran responded, “How do you know about this?!!!” and Farel added, “Know anything about THE ANGER? I should say we do!”  Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it jolted this junkie.

Before we get into the details, let’s back up a bit and give some history.  Producer Michael Lee earned his initial success in the entertainment industry by creating the British video label VIPCO (Video Instant Picture Company) in 1979.  Riding the wave of the VHS craze, Lee proved to be very successful by distributing lurid titles such as THE TOOLBOX MURDERS (1978) and CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (1980) on the fledgling format.  Helping double his success was the rise of the “video nasty” phenomenon, a modern day witch hunt of violent films on video by the U.K. government co-facilitated by the tabloid press.  Why bother dealing with real problems when you have imaginary killers to blame?  And, after all, we know most of the world’s problems are a caused by the filmmaking of Ulli Lommel (THE BOOGEYMAN) anyway.  The resulting furor made Lee a wealthy man and, before the hard times hit (Video Recordings Act 1984), he made the age old mistake of thinking that success at selling a product equates to being equally successful at making that product.
 
Thus was the genesis of THE ANGER.  Hoping to cash in on the market that had treated his bank account so well, Lee sought to produce a horror movie in his home country.  The film went before the cameras in November 1983, but shut down completely about halfway through filming in December.   Very little info is known of the film.  In fact, below is literally all the ink you will find on THE ANGER on this great big globe from the FX artist profiles.

                Fangoria 40:                                               Fangoria 43:     

So exactly how does a trio of filmmakers from New York (Thomas Doran, Frank Farel, and Brendan Faulkner) get involved with a shelved project languishing across the pond? As the old saying goes, the way of the world is meeting people through other people.  Producer Lee contacted the group via FX artist Arnold Gargiulo, who had previously worked on their short HELLSPAWN.  The purpose of contacting new filmmakers was to recruit them to possibly salvage the project.  “After we met Michael Lee, Tom Doran traveled to the UK for the purpose of evaluating the footage completed,” Farel elaborates, “and determining whether Tom, Brendan and I might be interested in taking it over. Tom's decision: it was a total disaster, not worth the cost of salvaging. I've seen some of the footage and can't say I disagree.”

So was it really that bad?  According to Doran, it was.  While the filmmakers outside of Lee remain unknown, bits of the plot of THE ANGER remain alive via memory.  According to Doran, the film was set in America and involved a young married couple buying a house in New England.  Providing a window into the muddled nature of the production, even this minor detail was apparently mishandled.  “I remember the guy saying and falling to his knees. Something like: ‘Honey, I found a house - in New England!’ Wife: ‘New England? How can we afford a house in New England?’” Doran recalls.  “Huh? The writer, or one of them, who was Canadian, I guess didn't realize that New England encompasses 6 freaking states - with a zillion towns of all sizes and levels of prosperity. It made no sense.”

It looks like producer Lee at least had some business savvy as THE ANGER appears to have been riffing on the popular haunted house subgenre evidenced by box office hits such as THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979) and POLTERGEIST (1982).  “They go live in the house and strange things happen,” Doran remembers. “There's a stuffed ape toy that comes alive. There's a monstrous face in an oven that eats someone and spits them out - truly hilarious.”  Yeah, Lee was definitely getting his POLTERGEIST freak on, but he was no Steven Spielberg.  While the filmmakers were definitely trying to ape (pun most definitely intended) 1982’s top horror hit, the end results delivered more unintentional comedy than horror according to Doran.  “The husband gets hit in the head with a GIANT meat cleaver,” Doran recalls with amusement.  “He goes into a room, screams, and then stumbles out with this freaking giant thing stuck in his head! The blade was like 8.5 x 11 inches. I was dying.”

In the end, the 40 minutes of roughly edited material screened for Doran proved to be a pointless rescue.  “It wasn't worth it,” Doran says, “I mean, here I was turning down the chance to direct. But, the footage was laughably bad; one actress I remember was good, but not the others that I saw, but it's hard to say without seeing it all cut together really. There was going to be no way to match locations, etc., so it really wasn't a good proposition - even if the footage was great to begin with.”  Ultimately, Doran and his co-collaborators convinced Lee that starting from scratch was a better idea and TWISTED SOULS (aka SPOOKIES) was born.  Lee, however, wasn’t above saving some dollars…uh…pounds and one of Lauten’s mechanical effects from THE ANGER lived to see another film.  “If you look at that mechanical head,” Doran mentions, “you'll see where the Snake Demon idea [from TWISTED SOULS] came from.”

Filmmaker Thomas Doran wasn’t the only one who had his blood boiled by THE ANGER.  Preeminent genre journalist Philip Nutman, Fangoria’s British correspondent, was actually on set for some of the filming and he was kind enough to let us pick his brain for the (thankfully) hazy memories.  “It was my first ever set visit for Fango,” Nutman reveals via e-mail, “I think I was 20-years-old.”  Like the young soldiers often sent to fight wars on the frontlines, he soon found himself – what is it they say – knee deep in the shit on this ultra-low budget production.  “The production couldn't afford a real studio,” he recalls, “The day I was there, I think it was some old house they rented, which had a space they'd turned into a make-shift non-soundstage.”  

A graphic throat wound effect
courtesy of Aspinall

Plot and production details remain foggy with him as well, although Nutman does remember the ineptness on display by the mystery director.  “I have a vague recollection the director's name was John (something) and he might have been one of the founders of Vipco. He couldn't direct his way out of a wet paper bag. He may have been one of the ‘so-called’ writers.  The script, according to Lauten, was terrible.”  Doran’s description of the aforementioned screened footage proves Nutman right and, no doubt, wet paper bags used to house neophyte directors were relieved worldwide.  And it was this greenness that ultimately led to the film being shelved.  “Basically, stupidity and no money,” sums up Nutman on the project’s death.

Alas, the set visit wasn’t a total bust as Nutman does have one vivid memory from the shoot. “The only ‘actress’ I recall was the body double for the female lead, who sat around talking to me naked all day,” he remembers.  So at least we can know producer Michael Lee had some knowledge of what sold and attracted audiences.  “The nude body double, who was Scottish, took a liking to me,” he confides, “and asked me to give her a ride home, which I did. I then spent several hours at her apartment watching TV with her and her cute younger sisters. Maybe she wanted to shag a rather shy, cute 20-year-old lad -- or was trying to set me up with one of her sisters. I'll never know, because I was too shy!  Many years later, I discovered, the body double was actually one of the leading performers in the British underground hardcore porn movie business!”  In the end, Fangoria was able to publish very few words on the failed project in the profiles on the New York-based FX artist Lauten and Aspinall.  But both articles did allow for some of their superior make-up befitting a better film to be shown.  Here are some of their creature effects (Aspinall's on the left, Lauten's on the right):

As of this writing, footage from THE ANGER has never been released in any format and seen by less than a dozen folks. Mostly likely it ended up being a nice tax write off for producer Lee and sits rotting in a vault (or garbage dump) somewhere.  The original cast and crew remain a mystery to this day, probably much to their relief.

Author note: I did try to contact both Lauten and Aspinall for their thoughts on THE ANGER, but never heard back from either of them.  To be honest, I don’t blame them as it was a long time ago and both of them have moved on to award-winning make-up careers.  

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