The Legacy of Lovecraft: THE WHISPERER IN DARKNESS (2011)

Over the past decade H.P. Lovecraft has had a resurgence of popularity not seen since the ‘80s. To many of us, he never went out of style, but with the reduced cost in digital production, it has suddenly become a popular subject for low-budget filmmaking. It also should be pointed out that no studio is going to want to produce a film in which things cannot be named and there is stuff that is not meant to be known. Hollywood films are all about names and explanations. Everything has to have a backstory. If you have aliens, Hollywood studios demand to know where they come from, why they hate humans and what they had for breakfast. Another thing Hollywood hates is atmosphere. Every scene needs to be lit up like a K-Mart in September. No shadows, but plenty of flood fills because we need to see the thread-count on Freddy Krueger’s latest woolen knit sweater, or the TV-weened kids in the test screenings will complain.

Most of the love for H.P. has come in the form of short films of varying quality. Some, such as Brian Moore’s excellent COOL AIR (1998), are stripped-to-the-bone adaptations that overcome their extreme budgetary limitations with deft handling of the material. Some miss the other-worldly portal entirely and some, or rather one, nails it so perfectly that it leaves you in awe. Not just the adaptation of the story, but the framework and the details make THE CALL OF CTHULHU (2005) one of the best, if not the best H.P. Lovecraft short film to date. So now what? Well the founders of the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society and creators of CALL, Sean Branney and Andrew Leman, decided to spend the next six years letting the accolades roll in, watching Gilligan re-runs and only rolling off the sofa to hoist another poor-man’s champagne out of the fridge, right? Heeeeeeell no! In that long six years Branney and Leman spent three years (yes, three years) just hammering out a script for their first feature-length film, THE WHISPERER IN DARKNESS! Yeah, sure, Hollywood is full of stories about development hell where the studio bigwigs are sold on some high-concept motion picture event and then spend the next decade paying 20 other schlubs to re-write it. Of course after going through the script-grinder for years, when the execs finally fire-up the ol’ green light, you end of up with a nails-on-a-chalkboard endurance test like INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (2008). Here, Branney and Leman actually made the script a finely tuned instrument that resonates Lovecraft like Dr. Pretorious’ infernal machine.

During the very real Vermont floods of 1927, farmers begin reporting sightings of strange winged, crab-like creatures. The controversy in the newspapers sparks debate among the academics and the student body of the prestigious Arkham University in nearby Massachusetts. One of such person is Professor Albert Wilmath (Matt Foyer and period toupee), a folklorist who maintains, what he believes to be, a firm grasp on reality. After being involved in a literal debate with real life writer Charles Fort (Andrew Lehman under some very impressive make-up), Wilmath is contacted by the son of a Vermont farmer Henry Akeley (Barry Lynch), who has been trying to convince Wilmath to come out to Vermont to see his farm and possibly the creatures that surround it on a nightly basis. After some photographic evidence and continued chiding from Fort, Wilmath sucks it up and heads out to the wilds of Vermont to meet with Akeley and disprove him for the charlatan that he, of course, is. Things go horribly wrong. Yes, that’s it. That's all I’m going to reveal about the plot. There’s a lot more, but I really don’t want to spoil any of it. Let’s just say that the Mi-Go are featured prominently, but have been re-envisioned with a surprising twist that may not be totally Lovecraftian, but certainly is fitting for the period and pretty damn nifty.

I’ve often said that when bringing Lovecraft to the screen, some elaboration is probably a good idea. Obviously this depends on the direction you go. You can take Lovecraft to the streets of modern Los Angeles, add a handful of staggeringly bad acting and even worse CG effects and end up with something utterly laughable like THE CHILL (2007), or you can tweak the story, add subplots and flesh it out into something that stays true to Lovecraft to a point, but makes for a great cinematic experience, such as THE COLOUR FROM THE DARK (2008), or… you can have your fungi and eat it too. Branney and Leman have managed to add subplots and an entire third act to the story that not only add depth and structure to the story, but actually retain the spirit of Lovecraft, with some caveats. Lovecraft would have never written the biplane scene, nor the “emotional attachment” bit with the little girl, Hannah Masterson (Autumn Wendel), but paths they end up taking ring true in spite of that. Any of these minor inconsistencies are easily overlooked, however, due to the sure-footed production and high level of craftsmanship.

The brilliant concept behind CALL was to make the film in the style of the era it was written in. So here, they have decided to continue that philosophy and make this in the style of what they claim to be an early ‘30s film. I don’t know about early ‘30s, specifically, it feels more like a mash-up of ‘30s, ‘40s and ‘50s, but that’s just being pedantic. It is easily the most successful period-style genre film since YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974) and DEAD MEN DON’T WEAR PLAID (1982), and those were both comedies. The level of painstaking detail in virtually every scene is nothing short of amazing. Even more amazing is the filmmakers accounts of even more grueling tedious work that is completely transparent when viewing the film. A simple sequence in which Wilmath simply waits to meet Akeley's son who has come to meet him on a period-correct train was in fact an ordeal to film, simply because the train ran on its own schedule and Branney and Leman didn’t want to use CGI or work around the sequence. They could have the easy way out and shot a close-up of Wilmath sitting at the station and used sound effects or voice over to convey that there is a train. That's what The Asylum would have done. Actually they would have shot the train leaving the station and left in all the tourists in modern attire. Actually, they pretty much did do that. But not our HPLS guys! It would be too easy, and it would look cheap in the final film. To paraphrase the late Mr. Kennedy, they don’t do it because it’s easy, they do it because it’s hard. I love these guys!

That said there is CGI this time around, but it is due to the lack of budget to do everything in camera. Branney and Leman originally wanted to do the creature effects in stop-motion miniature, which would have been incredible, but it became obvious that it was going to be far too labor intensive and thus far too costly and decided to go with CG. But not just CG. CG that looks like stop-motion! How cool is that? In spite of the CG here and there, a large amount of effects are physical, including real smoke! Yeah, I know it seems like a simple thing. Bring in a smoke machine, get a couple of guys to wave some fans and you’re in business, right? For some reason, low-budget and digital shot films in particular, simply refuse to do this. Need some atmospheric fog or smoke? Call up the guy with Video Toaster! It never fails to do exactly the opposite of the intention. It looks cheap and tacky and detracts from the scene. Here we have real smoke and a single light-source – in the same shot! Man, I almost cried. Seriously, that’s all it really takes to thrill me. If ISHTAR had been shot in black and white with a smoke machine and a single light source it would be my favorite movie of all time. And maybe with some split focus shots and oblique angles and… ok, well, you get my point.

Speaking of things that just aren't done anymore; the brilliant opening scene, inspired by THE LADY VANISHES (1938), in which the camera pans down from the credits, past a matte-painting and into an intensely detailed miniature, is really the kind of thing we just don’t see in cinema at all these days, much less in a low-budgeted independent feature. The sweeping score by Troy Sterling Nies also adds an element of richness and class that would have otherwise been absent, making the whole film feel like a genuine studio release from the past. Additionally, special effects maestros Dave Snyder (make-up effects) and Fred Manchento (miniatures/models) turn in some seriously stunning work that rival anything put out by a major studio. Manchento’s massive Round Mountain miniature set with aproximately 1000-2000 hand-made trees and an internally lit, forced perspective cave tunnel is nothing short of awe-inspiring. The same can be said for Snyder’s re-creation of Lynch’s face and hands. I seriously doubt the majors would have even considered taking the time to make such detailed prosthetic works and would have gone straight to the CG department.

Before I start getting pelted with rotten vegetables for gushing like a fanboy, let me see if I can find something to grumble about. In CALL OF CTHULHU, Branney and Leman made the movie look like an old film. They processed the image to give it a slightly over-exposed white glow that that are indicative of films from the silent era. Also the image had scratches and imperfections that really brought that feeling home. Out of the dozens upon dozens of fantastic details that are present in WHISPERER, that is the one that is obvious by its omission. Everything else is so dead on, that the crisp, clean image and audio pull you away from suspending the belief that this is a lost horror-noir classic. Also, you could kibbitz that some of the acting is a bit stagey. Expressions are bigger than they need to be and a little over dramatic at times. However, these are stage actors who are acting like they are in a period film and films of the '30s did tend to have a stage-like quality due to the actors and the fact that cameras were literally immobile during scenes with sound due to the heavy baffling of the cameras. Oh, and while Matt Foyer does a fine job as Wilmath, but I kept waiting to give me some quirky cooking tips. Honestly, he really could kidnap Alton Brown and take over his life.

It’s amazing and a real shame that a film of this quality has to go out self-published, but then again, I suspect that there is no studio on earth that would let this movie be what it is. So many concessions would have to be made that it would be a completely different film in the end. That is what makes this film more than the sum of its parts. WHISPERER is without question one of the best indy productions to come along since… well, since THE CALL OF CTHULHU and in all seriousness, I can't think of a single digital movie that is more ambitious or as genuinely entertaining. What will HPLS' next project be? There have been some mutterings about the oft-attempted story The Shadow Over Innsmouth, but nothing has been announced as of yet. One thing is for certain, the digital feature bar has been raised. I would love to see more people rise to this challenge and make digital features that do the hard work and show a… ahem… love for the craft. Oh, “boo” yourself.

Read More

The "Never Got Made" Files #71: Tales about TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE

Believe it or not, hiding behind the badly Photoshopped DVD cover to the left is one of the most anticipated sword and sorcery follow ups of all-time. Finally seeing release this week in the United States via Lionsgate DVD, TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE is the long-awaited follow up to THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER (1982), director Albert Pyun’s first and most successful theatrical release.  Waiting 30 years between films is bad enough for fans, but the end result was equally disappointing (read our full original review here).  What isn’t known are the years of on-and-off starts/stops and behind-the-scenes developments the filmmakers dealt with.  Thankfully, director Pyun has been kind enough (especially after our review) to give us the back story on the continuation and share some tales about the making of TALES.

THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER was one of the great, entertaining films from the “class of 1982,” an era where horror, sci-fi, and fantasy films were at a creative peak.  Having been turned down by most major and minor studios in Hollywood over a period of years, Pyun and his co-writers Tom Karnowski and John Stuckmeyer finally caught a break when they took their script and storyboards to producer Brandon Chase the day before EXCALIBUR (1981) opened.  Chase, fresh off the box office success of ALLIGATOR (1980), saw potential in the project and the film was into production within eight weeks of their initial meeting.

Chase knew he was taking a risk on a first time filmmaker, but it paid off handsomely when SWORD opened just over a year later.  Riding the wave of fantasy popularity spawned by Dungeons & Dragons, SWORD was released theatrically by the independent distributor Group 1 on April 23, 1982 on 223 screens.  Despite being on a fraction of screens occupied by most top ten films at the time (for comparison, the raunchy comedy classic PORKY’S was on 1,474 screens), SWORD debuted in fifth place with a hefty per screen average of $7,720 (over two thousand dollars higher than the next closest average).  The film was an unbridled success and it jumped to the no. 2 position when it expanded to 660 screens the next weekend.  In total, the film spent four months in top 20 at the box office, ending with a final domestic box office take of $39,103,425.  Adjusted for inflation (1982’s ticket price average of $2.94 vs. 2012’s average of $7.94), the film grossed over $106 million in today’s box office dollars.  Not bad for a film with a neophyte director and a budget in the range of $3-4 million.

Two-page Variety ad circa May 1982

touting SWORD's box office success (click to enlarge):

Naturally, like any film that turns such an enormous profit, the producers were more than happy to announce plans for a sequel.  Hell, they didn’t even need to as the filmmakers took care of that for them.  In the tradition of 007 films ending their credits with “James Bond will return in…” text teases, SWORD promised more with an onscreen end credit that read: “Watch for Talon’s Next Adventure TALES OF THE ANCIENT EMPIRE coming soon.”

THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER 

end credits tease:

Sales agent Walter Manley wasted little time on the project and announced in a May 1982 Variety issue that his company would begin taking presales at Cannes.  He claimed a script was finished and the production ready to roll.  Manley peppered his words with bold talk of shooting in Germany with a budget of $12,000,000 for a Christmas 1983 release.

Additionally, an announcement of the sequel project was also placed in Box Office magazine in May 1982.

While the distributor was high on pimping the project, producer Chase had a bit more standoffish approach.  Speaking to Fangoria around the same time, he took a decidedly more cautious stance, waiting to see how the market would handle the upcoming glut of sword and sorcery pictures.

In the end, Chase was right as public interest fell under the weight of beefy guys with names like ATOR and DEATHSTALKER.  It’s always the Italians, right?  Chase’s prescient thoughts were all the more confirmed when CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984) lived up to its moniker by killing the once hard-hitting genre with bad comedy and a PG rating. A year later you couldn’t pay people to step into a theater to see RED SONJA (1985), co-starring the genre’s poster boy Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Well, except for Video Junkie head Tom, he was front and center.

On Albert Pyun’s end, things never really took off on the sequel in the early 80s.  “I don't think there was a serious attempt to make sequel,” Pyun reveals. Regardless, the director did work on an early rough draft of the sequel script around that time.  “I had written a sequel called THE SERPENT’S ORB,” he says.  “It dealt with the kingdom they were riding off to save at the end of SWORD. But it was much larger in scale with dragon creatures unleashed by a sorceress as the main villains. Much of the movie was set in caves.”

In all fairness, Pyun also soon found himself to be a very busy man as he embarked upon the kind of directing career that would send shivers down Terrence Malick’s spine.  Following SWORD’s debut, Pyun worked seemingly non-stop over a period of nearly two decades (1983-2001) as he directed an astonishing 35 feature films (with 5 films alone released in 1996!).  Pyun found himself all over the map both literally and figuratively as the shooting locations were as disparate as the film’s quality.  This globetrotting period found Pyun working for companies from Cannon to Empire to Miramax. When asked if he ever thought of bringing the SWORD sequel property to these studios, he had a surprising answer.  “No, I was really done with fantasy as I just came off two other difficult fantasy shoots – RADIOACTIVE DREAMS (1985) and VICIOUS LIPS (1986),” he explains. “I wanted to make contemporary set movies. I was exhausted building entire worlds from scratch.”

Interestingly, an attempt to resurrect the production came via Walter Manley in the mid-1990s. Manley had spent most of the 1980s running Manley Productions, Inc. (MPI) before finding himself in legal trouble in 1993 for failure to pay $300,000 to the producers of HARD ROCK NIGHTMARE (you can read more about this fascinating story in this Variety article).  Come 1995 he had christened a new company, Palisades Communications, and offering the SWORD sequel among his preproduction projects at Cannes that year (listed as “Brandon Chase’s THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER PART II).  Also take note of his offering of Meir Zarchi’s unmade I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE sequel (complete with an amusing spelling error) and MPI’s perpetually announced MANIAC II (6 years after MANIAC Joe Spinell had passed away).

On Pyun’s end, he never really thought about the sequel again until the 21st century had appeared.  “I did try to get a loose sequel going with Elie Samaha and Franchise Pictures in 2002,” he states. “The script was written for Dolph Lundrgren and called CITY OF BLOOD.  It was really the genesis of TALES as it introduced vampires into the mix.”

The only memorable thing about
REDLINE (2007)

It wasn’t until 2007 that Pyun started taking the idea of a follow up seriously. According to his blog, he studied what the genre had offered in the ensuing 25 years and felt his return could be done.  In August 2007 he announced to Ain’t It Cool News (AICN) that a follow up would begin production in Tunisia in October.  Initially, Pyun was hoping to adapt a sci-fi script called SWEATING BULLETS by his LEFT FOR DEAD screenwriter Chad Leslie. “Chad's script was very clever and set in the distant future.  A sort of BLADE RUNNER / BRAZIL type world,” he explains.  “The premise was how people who had money but were dying or diseased or crippled could buy another body and have their own thoughts and soul put into the new body. It was a mystery thriller set with that concept. It translated easily into a historical sword and sorcery epic.”

Pyun briefly worked with producer Mario Kassar on trying to get TALES made via Chicago Pictures.  The script got positive reaction and they had several meetings.  Unfortunately, that outfit died a quick death thanks to REDLINE (2007), a forgetable street racing disaster probably best known now for lead Eddie Griffin accidentally wrecking a $1.5 million dollar Ferrari Enzo during a charity race practice run to promote the film.

Feeling that Leslie’s script might be too expensive to produce, Pyun had his producer Cynthia Curnan work out his ideas in late 2007.  The title saw a slight modification as it went from TALES OF THE ANCIENT EMPIRE to TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE.  Satisfied with the resulting script, Pyun quickly ramped up production in the first half of 2008.  Plans initially included head back down to Argentina (where Pyun had shot LEFT FOR DEAD) and preproduction began.  Slowly over the next few months Pyun saw his production changing (24 shooting days whittled down to 11 days).  When other production expenses began balloon their budget of $450,000, Pyun and company decided to pull the plug on the May 2008 filming start date down in Argentina.

So preproduction began all over again with the producers now aimed for a fall 2008 start date. Various actors (Christopher Lambert, Yancy Butler, Leah Cairns) were announced via AICN in July 2008 as being part of the cast, but they never made it into the film.  Adding to the confusion, the IMDb listed Val Kilmer as a cast member although he was never in the film.  Ultimately, it was money and budget issues that kept these folks from coming on board.  “Leah was in Canada and we couldn't afford to bring her to LA,” Pyuns discloses. “With Christopher and Yancy we couldn't agree on a fee. Again, we were so strapped budget-wise and the fact that the funding for the budget never fully materialized hurt those areas.”  The money woes even hurt the return of SWORD star Lee Horsley as Talon. “We couldn't afford him for more than a day so we had to create [his role] so it could be done in a day,” Pyun states.

Cameras finally started rolling in December 2008 with a cast that included Kevin Sorbo, Whitney Albe, Melissa Ordway, Victoria Maurette, Ralf Moeller, and Matthew Willig. Treating the time between films as real-time, TALES tells the story of Princess Tanis (Ordway) convincing her half-siblings – Aedan (Kevin Sorbo), Malia (Sarah Ann Schultz), and Rajan (Janelle Giumarra) – to combat vampire sorceress Xia (Albe) before she can take over the kingdom of Abelar.  So much for the further adventures of Talon, eh?  Pyun edited the film throughout 2009 and into 2010.  Early efforts to release the film on April 23, 2010 (28 years to the day of the original’s release) via Pyun’s direct-to-DVD distribution fell through, as did a planned Comic Con screening.  The first public screening finally came in July 2010 at the Fright Night Film Festival.  In the fall of 2010, the film was released in Thailand on DVD.  This was an licensed release, but not Pyun’s final cut.  “It was attempt by the original producer to raise cash,” Pyun says bluntly.

Pyun promised fans this wasn’t his final version and, indeed, in 2011 he began shooting new footage.  In January 2011, Cazzy Golomb shots scene as a narrator in an effort to streamline the film’s confusing plotline.  Later, in May 2011, Pyun gathered a collection of actors for his past production in order to expand the film’s running time.  Further shooting took place in the deserts of Nevada in August 2011.  “In the year in between we added Michael Pare', Victoria Maurette, Sasha Mitchell, Norbert Weisser and Jessica Delgado,” he reveals of a four day shoot.  “Actually it was really part of the RED MOON shoot and we just assigned the footage for use on TALES to promote RED MOON.”

So what in the world is RED MOON?  It is actually the sequel to TALES teased in that film's cliffhanger.  “The RED MOON script is great and we are going to complete it this spring. I think it will make up for TALES creatively,” says Pyun, quite aware of the fan backlash on TALES.  “Yes, but I expect a backlash on all my films. So I'm armored and prepared for the lynch mob,” says the prolific director.  “I am resigned that my style of filmmaking is not likely to appeal to a large audience.”

Believe it or not, the TALES journey doesn’t end there.  The large audience mentioned above will still not be seeing Pyun’s final cut as apparently Lionsgate has modified the film even more for their DVD release.  Exactly what has been changed is a mystery even to the film’s director as even Pyun has not seen their version.  “Very disappointing” is the quick and simple way he can describe it.  “It’s very upsetting to me that they would make the changes and with me not involved. Just to gain 4 minutes of screen time. It really hurts the film which isn't strong enough to withstand that change,” says Pyun with some frankness about his final product. TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE is out now on DVD.

Read More

Totally TV: THE MILLION DOLLAR RIPOFF (1976)

One of the great things about Netflix streaming is they have a bunch of TV movies on there.  Particularly interesting are TV movies from the 1970s like this little crime caper.  A serious vehicle for funnyman Freddie Prinze, star of NBC’s popular CHICO AND THE MAN, this originally aired for the network on Wednesday, September 22, 1976 as the "NBC Movie of the Week."  Sadly, just a few months later Prinze would be dead.

Electronics whiz and ex-con Alvin “Muff” Kovak (Prinze) plans a heist on the Chicago Transit Authority.  Muff, really?  Fired from the CTA for making bootleg signal boxes, Kovak figures he has enough insider knowledge that he can steal lots of money from the subway collection centers on pickup day.  Muff assembles a team of four beauties to help him pull this off.  There is Helen (Linda Scruggs), Lil (Christine Bedford), Jessie (a pre-GROWING PAIN Joanna Kerns) and Kitty (Brook Mills), Muff’s love interest. Because, honestly, when you are planning something so complex, you definitely want four ladies who look like they should be dancing in the disco helping you out.  They get around their good looks because one of them is a make up expert and designs some intricate make ups to disguise them and make them look like old men.  The end result is definitely creepy, coming off as a cross between horror movie monsters and that creepy short guy with the high pitch voice that everyone has met at some point in their lifetime.  Yeah, you know the one.  Here are some examples:

Hot chick in disguise or Teller?

Hot chick in disguise or Senator Joe Lieberman?

Prinze in disguise or Eddie Muprhy 

in VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN?

Hot chick in disguise or horror movie granny?

Joanna Kerns in disguise or Kramer?

Anyway, Muff is one smart cookie and he bugs the office of Lt. Fogherty (Allen Garfield) in order to hear the daily numerical passwords of the pick up drivers.  His plan is to intercept them by a few minutes and have one of his ladies in disguise present the code number to get the bag first.  This should nab them $500,000 in three different locations for a cool million and a half dollars.  Wait a second – I thought this was the million dollar rip-off, not the million and a half dollar rip-off?  Anyway, all seems to be going according to plan until Luback (James Sloyan), an old underworld associate of Muff’s, shows up and demands 50% of the action.  This is bad news because not only will Muff not be getting the full amount of money, but it means he has a rat in his bevy of beauties who tipped Luback off to their crime.  Can Muff pull off the perfect heist, while outsmarting his enemies and uncovering the mole?  I’ll bet you he can, in 73 minutes no less!

Drawing inspiration from THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (1974), this TV movie originally began its life as a screenplay by actors William Devane and John Pleshette (no doubt with themselves in the lead roles).  It was eventually adapted into a TV movie teleplay by Andrew Peter Martin, who had previously given audiences the TV horror classic BAD RONALD (1974).  The entire scenario can easily be seen as a big heist film, but it looks like NBC wanted to go the glorious eye candy route where a guy leads some foxy females instead.   Interestingly, just two hours after this premiered at 8pm, a little show called CHARLIE’S ANGELS premiered on ABC at 10pm.  *cue eerie music*

One of the things that really benefit this TV production is the location shooting in Chicago. New York usually gets the most play when it comes to 1970s urban films, so it is nice to see the Windy City get its due.  There are lots of downtown shots, office layouts and, obviously, tons of railway/yard locations.  If it was shot today, they would do it all location work via greenscreen and the offices would have TV screens every two feet. Most interesting to me are the garish subway station entrances that are painted with such an ugly color, looking like the kind of orange you get when you mix your mustard and ketchup (mutchup?) together.

Of course, the most interesting thing about this film is it is Prinze’s lone feature.  A stand up comedian since his teens, Prinze burst into stardom after being featured on Jack Paar’s show and THE TONIGHT SHOW in 1973.  Just under a year later he was the lead on the aforementioned CHICO sitcom. Sadly, the quick ascent to stardom affected Prinze adversely and he quickly fell into the drug lifestyle.  Despite the birth of his son (future star Freddie Prinze, Jr.) in early 1976, Prinze continued to struggle with depression and drug abuse.  It is shocking to believe, but he was only 22-years-old when he appeared in this film.  Just four months after this aired, Prinze took his own life by committing suicide. It is a real shame as this film showed he was more than capable at carrying a film and that he didn’t need to rely solely on his natural comedic abilities.  Had he lived, Prinze could have, at best, easily essayed supporting roles in the action flicks coming out at the time.  At worst, he would have done fine in one of the AIRPORT movies.  Hollywood is a land of sad stories of unreached potential and Prinze’s story might be one of the worst.

Article around the time of 

airing (click to enlarge):

Read More

The XXX-Factor: BAD PENNY (1978)

I don't know how he does it. Don't ask me, I don't know. Chuck Vincent somehow takes terrible acting, awful joke writing, unfocused script-writing and generally shoddy production values and makes it not only watchable, but really damned entertaining. The cynics among you, I'm sure, are rolling your eyes and mumbling something about the copious amounts of nekkidity having something to do with it. Yeah, sure, that could almost be called a recurring theme for Chuck, but I'm actually going to rebut that. Crazy, I know, but hear me out. I could line up screenings of WOMB RAIDER (2003), LUST IN THE MUMMY'S TOMB (2002) or BARE WENCH PROJECT (2000) and collectively get way more skin, but still get far less entertainment for your hard-earned dollar. Matter of fact there is such a deficit of entertainment value, I believe the directors owe us, the viewing public, some of their hard-earned dollars for ruining an admittedly small portion of our lives (yes, even you Jim). Chuck just knows how to deliver. He may not be the head chef of Le Cirque, but he ain't the fry cook at Burger King either. Case in point, BAD PENNY.

After getting a kick out of Radley Metzger's much maligned and surprisingly straightforward adaptation of THE CAT AND THE CANARY (1978), fellow VJ cohort Will, pointed out that Chuck Vincent had made his own adaptation and it was now on DVD. Awesome! Will it live up to my fevered expectations? Well, yes and no... but mostly yes.

The film doesn't waste a second diving into the plot and starts with the obligatory reading of the will. Eccentric Uncle Hickey has finally shuffled off this mortal coil and is going to leave the entirety of his fortune to a single family member, because, as he says, they are all a bunch of pussies. Hey, he was rich, he can say that kind of stuff, I guess. There is a bit of a catch though. The inheritance will belong to Penny (Samantha Fox), but only if she can solve a cryptic riddle on the mean streets of New York city, and if she can't... or if she dies, the inheritance will go to the conniving Aunt Celeste (Molly Malone). Aunt Celeste, complete with black mumu and turban, decides that the best plan of action is to bust out all Wile E. Coyote on Penny and do her in via trip-wires, bombs, tarantulas and  other subtle plans that would never be deemed at all suspicious to any law enforcement agency. All of this silliness is actually set to The Blue Danube, which somehow makes it even sillier.

Penny, never one to be accused of being the brightest bulb in the pack, oblivious to her aunt's bumbling attempts at assassination, wanders around Manhattan in search of the answer to the riddle, "What is French, lights up at night and gives good crown?". Uncle Hickey stated in the will that Sidney would know the answer. Using Uncle's little black book, Penny, draped in the furs and pearls befitting of her class, shows that she really has none by sucking off the first guy (Robert Kerman) in Sidney's Bar who says he knows the answer. Of course, he's just telling her that to get some easy action. Penny, only slightly disappointed, sets out to find another Sidney, ending up at a factory, a fetish oriented sex club, a penthouse of a rock band (in a french maid outfit, no less), all with happy endings for everyone, except poor Penny. Until she realizes that her boyfriend's middle name is Sidney! Cue the muted horns.

Starting out with firm footing in the right direction for a porno-spoof, Vincent seems to get a little absent minded and opts for a jazz-riff, free-form version of the tale. Indicative of an era when New York had a great deal of mystique overseas, a lot of time is spent stealing travelogue footage of the streets of the Big Apple as Penny blissfully wanders about in search of more Sidneys. Not that it's boring at all, '70s NY is always cool, and we get some of Vincent's trademark cartoonish deviant sex (the guy in flippers and snorkel with a girl in a wading pool is a classic example), but part of me wishes screenwriter Billy S. Schaeffer (who would later go on to be Vincent's script supervisor in the '80s) had stayed a little more on track with the story as he and Vincent seem to be earnestly making the effort to make a legit movie. Just with hard-core sex scenes. A shocker, I know.

Like much '70s porn, the actors really seem to be enjoying what they are doing, something that's hard to come by these days (ermm, so to speak), and is another strong point in it's favor. It's got plenty of Vincent's strange touches, such as the scene in which Penny ends up at the penthouse of a rock band, The Sindey's. The Teutonic butler forces her to wear a french maid outfit and suck off all of the band members while he dumps huge sacks of junk food on the dinner table. It's almost like an homage to Italian cinema's notorious obsession with eating scenes, just drawing the parallel between food and sex a little closer. In the end, it's a fun little jaunt, but part of me wishes that it had been an R-rated affair so that would have had the opportunity to be a little more fleshed out in the story area. Then again, porn fans may wish it had less story and more sex. Either way, Vincent works his craft and delivers entertainment out of nothing but a handfull of bad actors, stolen locations and the film it's shot on. Genius, I says.

Read More

Deadly Farce: TOP COP (1990)

TOP COP is the kind of film where you type the title into the IMDb and the search results display 12 different titles before giving you the exact match.  “Are you sure you weren’t looking for TOP GUN, COP OUT, TOP DOG, BEVERLY HILLS COP or HOT SHOTS,” asks the IMDb search intuitively.  Nope, I’m the dumbass who really wanted TOP COP, a regional 1980s action flick that just barely made the decade’s deadline. The film was picked up by Crown International Pictures but I’m not aware of it having a VHS release and it can currently be found on BCI’s MAXIMUM ACTION 8 movie collection.  Now I don’t want to read too much into things, but this bad boy might be a company killer. Founded in 1959, Crown International Pictures distributed over a hundred pictures.  After they picked up TOP COP, their acquisitions basically dried up. After the film was released in the aforementioned DVD set, Navarre Corporation closed down BCI Home Entertainment.  Is it all a coincidence or a display of the deadly power of TOP COP’s toxicity?

This is the city: Hot Springs, Arkansas. Present day.  I work here. I'm a top cop. Our hero is Vic Malone (Stephen P. Sides) and you know he is a brave man because the opening scene has him busting a child pornography ring in a warehouse solo during the middle of filming.  These are apparently the high end child pornographers as they have a large crew and a director who yells, “Cut! Alight, everybody, take five.”  HA! Malone blows them all away and saves the young girl.  When the cops arrive, Malone’s partner is pissed.  Not because of his reckless ways, but because he didn’t bring him along.  You know such acts of rebelliousness can only lead one place – in front of your angry black police Captain (unconvincingly portrayed by a young guy who looks like Gary Coleman with whitened hair).  But the Captain ain’t mad at ya, he just wants to give Malone and Porter their plane tickets so they can fly to Washington, D.C. to testify to the grand jury against Arkansas drug kingpin Johnny Costello (Len Schlientz). Oh, yeah, your plane leaves in an hour.  Jeez, you’d think they might be aware of such big plans and not have them sprung on them.  Anyway, our top cops arrive in D.C. and, in keeping with D.C. tradition, are the victims of an attempted robbery in the airport bathroom within minutes of their arrival.  Malone kills both men (probably just for their fashion crimes; see pic above) and you know such further acts of rebelliousness can only lead one place – in front of another angry black police Captain!  Of course, the Captain ain’t mad at ya and just wants them to keep their nose clean while in his jurisdiction.   Damn, this dude has already killed nearly 10 people and no one cares. He is truly a top cop.

Anyway, Malone and Porter make it to their hotel and, wouldn’t you know it, Costello and his men are staying there too.  Our heroes spot Costello trying to have his way with Helen (Tiffany Dossey) and Debbie (Christine Kiefer), two innocent real estate agents, and they scare him off when Malone whips out a hand grenade. Damn, what a top cop.  Naturally, they hit it off with the ladies, who are amused at his hand grenade lighter. While exchanging pleasantries, a Costello henchman shows up and gives Helen a hand written note from the drug kingpin saying he “always gets what he wants.”  What is this, the sixth grade?  Soon our two new couples are sight seeing in D.C. and splitting off to their respective suites where Malone oddly gets it on with Helen.  Bad news as the next day Frank is found dead in his hotel room, shot between the eyes.  The Captain tells Malone it must be the work of the Avenger and, sure enough, this hired killer open fires on them. Damn, this mystery person is a top cop killer.  Inexplicably, the charges are dropped against Costello – Malone hasn’t even testified and apparently they don’t find it odd one of the key witnesses was killed the night before – and Malone is shipped back to Arkansas, despite his vow to find the killer.  Of course, the Avenger might follow him to finish the job.

Since Malone is fresh out of partners, the Captain assigns him a new one in James Evans (Christopher Dennis) and, get this, top cop doesn’t want or like his new partner. No way! Begrudgingly Malone takes him along and they go to find out about a big cocaine deal.  For some odd reason the person who knows exactly when and where it is all going down is a wino on skid row (essayed by a dirt road with three cinema hobos on it). Our top cop duo busts the guys (sans back up, ‘natch) and capture Costello’s younger brother, Anthony (Todd Tongen), during the shootout.  Hoping to bail out his brother, Costello arrives at the police station and he just happens to have Helen on his arm.  Damn, player does really get what he wants.  Anyway, he tells the TV mob that he is just a simple businessman and this is police harassment.  Naturally, this sets up the stage for our top cop to end this feud and do what he does best – kill people! With Anthony under his arm and Helen held hostage by Costello, the stage is set for a huge showdown in a junkyard.

Oh man, where do I begin with TOP COP?  I often wonder how and why these kinds of films get made. Obviously trying to emulate the popular titles in the cop genre (from DIRTY HARRY [1971] to LETHAL WEAPON [1987]), you have to wonder why they bothered as they have neither the talent or resources to match their predecessors.  Perhaps director Mark L. Maness and his family just had some money they wanted to throw away and they found donating to charity too damn magnanimous.   I mean, I seriously hope they didn’t read the script by Helen P. Pollins (also a producer) and think, “This is going to be the one to launch us into the big time.” The screenplay is filled with cliché after cliché, so much so that you might think this was a spoof but without the laughs.  It is a shame as the production at least looks nice.  They had all the ingredients to make a cake, but opted to put zero icing on it.

Even if the filmmakers had a decent script, they completely failed when it comes to the acting.  Len Schlientz as lead villain Costello isn’t the slightest bit scary looking and looks more like a creep who would be giddy outbidding you on eBay in disco record auctions. Of course, special notice should be given to Stephen P. Sides as the titular top cop. While he does give a commendable physical performance (he was also the stunt coordinator), Sides has serious trouble in the acting department and seems to deliver all of his dialogue as if he is trying to make the words shatter his (rather large) teeth.  Imagine your friend who always does a really bad Clint Eastwood performance (you know the one) and that is how he comes across.  Looking like a cross between Hank Williams, Jr. and Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Sides is about as wrong as you can get for a 1980s style vigilante cop.  As it stands, TOP COP is no HOLLYWOOD COP or SAMURAI COP and for that I am truly saddened.

How to best view TOP COP:

Read More