Listomania: Thomas' 2012 End of Year Brain Drain

Damn, what a year! Personally it was a complete trainwreck for me with events that I hope I will never, ever have to repeat again in my lifetime and would not wish on anyone. On the plus side, the economy seems to be picking up and best of all, independent film seems to slowly be returning to its roots, spawning movies driven by creativity and passion, rather than cynical compendiums of cliches and empty promises. Don't get me wrong, they're still out there en masse, but with films like UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING (2012), which by all rights, should have been released theatrically, and THALE (2012) raising the bar for DTV and SOV movies, I see great things on the horizon.

Total Movies Watched:
303 (that is 62 missed opportunities!), of course that doesn't factor in Scandinavian crime novels read. Although I can't even use books as an excuse with Mary McKee throwing around crazy-ass shit like THE DEATH OF THE FUHRER!

Total Theatrical Movies:
3 (two more than last year!)

PROMETHEUS (2012): Completely overblown, badly written, embarrassingly acted mess that pretends to toy with the audience over whether it is or is not a prequel to ALIEN (1979), when in fact, it has no clue. The apologists claim that it's visually stunning, and that is absolutely true, but this is Ridley Scott. That's what he does. Even when dealing in marginal product (say, 1987s SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME), the visuals are always arresting. Arresting visuals doth not an awesome movie make, quoth The Bard. It does make for a nice Imax 3D viewing experience, but then again, it sure would have been nice to have something closer to a complete package. The most interesting thing about it post-release is that it apparently was to be a much more ummmm, "down to earth" project with a reinvented chest-burster and human-to-alien transformations, which would have not only been cooler to see, but would have made a lot more sense in the context of the story. Too bad all concerned seemed to get high on their own fumes and decided to aim for more pretentious goals.

THE AVENGERS (2012): Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the film. I saw it in Imax 3D and had a good time, but... really? Was it that amazing? Peeps be goin' batshit on this flick, fo' realz! The bar was definitely raised in the CGI department, but greatest movie ever? I dunno about that. It was fun, but the aliens looked like they were stolen out of a Michael Bay film and the only thing that was ever cool about Hawkeye was his whiskers, and they decided to drop those since presumably Jeremy Renner can't grow them. On the other hand, I really wish Whedon had directed THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN or the new SUPERMAN flick which looks stunningly pretentious. I gotta hand it to Joss, he turned in a good time, and honestly I truly do appreciate him giving us a close-up of Scarlett Johansson's marvelous tush in 3D on a 30 foot high screen.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981): It's RAIDERS! It's in our modern, scaled-down version of IMAX! Restored print? Nope! But we do get a new font for the titles. Then again, does it really need to be remastered and all hi-def? Nope. It's still a great movie that would never be made the same way today. Matter of fact, we can see what it would be like if it was made today. It's called INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. Yeah, I had to go there, didn't I?

The First Film of 2012:
FROM NOON TIL THREE (1976): Oh my lawrd, Charlie, what the hell are you doing? I guess there's a reason this Charles Bronson western has been hard to come by for so many years. Man, this is rough stuff. A group of bankrobbers find themselves short a horse, so odd man out Graham (yes, Bronson's character is a Graham) must stay at a remote mansion inhabited by a young widow (Jill Ireland, of course), named Amanda. The gang is going to return for him at 3pm, so from noon-til-three the two become romantically entangled in what is supposed to be a charming, amusing way (it's not). The whole thing takes a bizarre turn when the gang is caught, Graham is presumed dead and Amanda becomes world famous for her highly embellished dramatization of her love for a bank robber. I'd really like to give it props for going completely off the rails in a direction I never saw coming (she doesn't recognize him, but recognizes his penis - whaaa?), but the fact is that this is just a painfully bad movie that was only greenlit because of the star-power behind it. If you've worked your way through everything else or you've ever wanted to see Charlie in a tux doing some ballroom dancing... err, this is for you.

The Last Film of 2012:

35-16 FATHER CHRISTMAS CODE (1989): Fun, dark and somewhat edgy French film that I think may have been aimed at the family crowd. I say, "I think" because there is so much in this movie that would absolutely horrify wimpy American parents (who flipped out over something as innocuous as PARANORMAN), that at times I wonder what the target demographic actually was. Of course, these are the French we're talking about, so they probably felt it would be good for their kids to embrace the darker side of Christmas. Good for them. Chris Columbus and John Huges blatantly ripped this flick off for HOME ALONE (1990). Of course they scrubbed and sanitized every single square inch of this concept until it glistened in the Christmas sun and was completely safe for American consumption. It's no surprise that it has never seen the light of day in the US. Review forthcoming.

The Biggest Surprise of 2012:
UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING (2012): This completely whacked, hallucinogen-fueled, bare-knuckle re-working of APOCALYPSE NOW blew my freakin' mind. Even the red-band trailer doesn't prepare you for the brutal, bloody left-field insanity that John Hyams blows in your face at 250 miles an hour.

The Biggest Disappointment of 2012: Tie!

THE HOLE (2009): Damn, Joe Dante, what happened? A family moves into a new house that has a deep, dark secret in the basement: A trap-door covered hole that is locked down and clearly not meant to be opened. Of course the kids just have to open it and as it turns out, the hole contains fear itself. Dante does a beautiful job setting up the story with some great touches, such as a nutty Bruce Dern as the former house owner who is now terrified of the dark. Sadly, as soon as the characters fears come to life they are neither scary or unique. I realize that this is supposed to be safe for ankle biters, but the drunken/abusive father segment is painfully cliched and delivers that lame '80s stereotype of guys with long hair being evil. Hey Joe? You used to have long hair, buddy. But digressions on coiffures not withstanding, the film starts on a very high note, and plummets quickly after the halfway mark. Even so, it's surprising that this never got released in the US.

SLEEPWALKER (2000): Easily the best videocamera thriller ever, well, at least for the first 80 minutes. This completely crushed me. I couldn't believe how brilliant this film was using a format that usually is the kiss of death. Then the twist end hit. You bastards.

Oldest Film Seen in 2012:

THE DRUMS OF FU MANCHU (1940): Lightning-fast paced, action packed and very politically incorrect serialization of Sax Rohmer's novel about the master criminal Fu Manchu. Here he is being pursued by Nayland Smith in Los Angeles (!). I've never seen so many giant, hulking Asians with European features. Tons of fun and seriously, Schwarzenegger and Stallone got nothin' on the body counts racked up here. More on Fu later in the month.

Most Movies Watched in One Month:
An almost Aaron Christensen-esque total of 46 in August. Runner up: 42 in October.

Least Movies Watched in One Month:
12 in November. Damn those night shifts!

Top 10 Favorite First Time Viewings in 2012:
This is simply a list of movies that I saw for the first time in 2012 that became instant favorites. There were so many that I had to pare down the list to just the top 10 most memorable.

The Johan Falk Trilogy - ZERO TOLERANCE (1999) / EXECUTIVE PROTECTION (2001) / THE THIRD WAVE (2003): Unquestionably the best police action thrillers of the past two decades. The story arc over three films won't even hit you until you are into the second film, when you will suddenly realize that you are knee-deep in a masterpiece.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008): An amazingly effective, disturbing and complex Swedish horror film that never hits a wrong note. Deserving of every accolade it's gotten and undeserving of the mindless, soulless Hollywood remake. If you were like me and procrastinated because of all the hype, don't put it off any longer.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING (2012): Again, this should be everyone's must see list. Unless they are the kind of person that runs off to the theater for the latest Tom Cruise movie.

WELCOME TO THE GREAT ADVENTURE OF KENNY STARFIGHTER - KENNY BEGINS (2009): Great Swedish sci-fi comedy that runs a lot like a live-action Pixar film. Kenny ain't the brightest cloud in the nebula, but yearns to be a Galaxy Hero - mainly due to the fact that he doesn't want to get into the family business of hair dressing. While attempting to ticket a speeding Winnebago  Kenny's ship hits a black hole and crash lands on Earth and meets up with a couple of teens, one of whom has touched a crystal that has given him a perfectly healthy body and mind. That crystal, as it turns out, is the one thing that wheel chair-bound mega-brained Rutger Oversmart needs to rule the cosmos and he's a bit cranky that it has already been used. To fight off Kenny and steal the boy, Oversmart brings in his trio of assassins (sort of a spoof on the Three Storms), Earth, Wind and Fire (Wind has a fan for a head). Sure some of the jokes misfire pretty badly (Kenny in a dare-off with his brother drinks shampoo), but most of them are very clever and the production itself is fantastic, feeling like a satire of '80s PG-rated sci-fi flicks such as THE LAST STARFIGHTER (1984). This was actually a tie for Favorite Comedy with RONAL THE BARBARIAN (2010).

ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION (1994): Quite possibly the finest example of '90s DTV trash action epicness from the master of the craft, Cirio H. Santiago. Ok, how do I even synopsize this? A trashy pop-star that is sort of like a SF strip club show meets Madonna on a budget is being stalked by psycho militia dude. A badass female cop (Charlie Spradling) attempts to guard her body, but only ends up getting killed, so her sister (Maria Ford in fine form) is now hell bent on some violent revenge. Hoooooly crap! Wall to wall sleaze and violent action plus some of the most hilarious bits of bad movie awesomeness this side of... well, another Cirio H. Santiago movie. Includes an instantly classic scene in which Ford kicks serious ass all over a house being over-run by killers wearing nothing but a thong. Ford that is, not the killers. A masterpiece of trash cinema.

THE WHISPERER IN DARKNESS (2011): Just in case anyone missed me gushing about the unparalleled awesomeness of this indy production from Andrew Leman and Sean Branney last year, I'm going to mention it again, since technically I didn't see it until early January. One of the best, if not the best, H.P. Lovecraft adaptation.

KAMEN RIDER - THE NEXT (2007): Everything you could ever possibly want from a tokusatsu flick, much less a Kamen Rider movie. None of this crappy TV show video toaster FX and cheap action. This is the real deal. Big action, choreographed fights, massive explosions, twisted monsters, bloody horror, evil curses, crazy motorcycle stunts and even... nekkid boobs! Yes, that's right, one of Kamen Rider's nemeses actually has a topless scene (while still wearing her helmet). Am I a total nerd if I think that is totally hot? Sure there's some dopey tween romance thrown in, but that's about 1% of the total package. Review forthcoming.

THALE (2012): Maybe not as stunning as WHISPERER, but a captivating little film that deserves a lot of praise for overcoming the limitations of the digital video format.

FLODDER (1986): Quintessential '80s Dutch comedy from the venerable Dick Maas about the haves vs. the have-nots that fits right in place next to American classics such as CADDYSHACK (1980). The Flodder's, a low-class family of slobs, is used as a social experiment (one that we've had in America since this film came out). If you take them out of the slums and move them into an upscale neighborhood, perhaps they will become cultured, contributing members of society. Of course the Flodder's rain total havoc and chaos down on the posh new neighborhood, skewering social prejudices with both keen wit and crass shock value. It doesn't sound like much, but it is done with such a deft hand, a genuinely hilarious script and great production values, that it like CADDYSHACK transcends it's humble concept. Plus, we get one of the most massive-scale destruction/fire sets I have ever seen on film. I can't even imagine how long it must have taken to set up an entire subdivision so that it could be destroyed and set on fire all at once. Oh, and keep your beverages safely on a coaster when Danish Playboy Playmate Tatjana Simic is on screen or severe bobbleage may occur. Just sayin'.

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Happy 2013th!

No big speeches here, but we here at VJ would like to wish you and yours the best of new years. We will soon be commencing with the obligatory year end wrap up - hey, we're fashionably late, ok? - and I promise there will be no mention of Oscars, Tom Hanks, or the insufferable idiots that are currently patting themselves on the back for plagiarizing all of their ideas from other movies and turning them into tedious tween fodder.

Thanks to everyone who actually reads our stuff, it's nice to know that there are still people out there who appreciate the finer points of drive-in movies, grindhouse sleaze and direct to video slasher films.

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December to Dismember: SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 4 & 5 (1990 / 1991)

I know Christmas was like, SO last year, but we are still full of the Yultide sprit... well, we're full of something anyway. So here is our final installment of this year's December to Dismember!

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 4 - INITIATION (1990):

Back in the day this seemed like such mediocre DTV fodder that didn't even bother to have anything to do with the Santa slayer trilogy that it followed. Now, that seems like a really fine decision and makes for what I feel is a far better viewing experience.

While screwing her co-worker in a hotel room, wannabe journalist Kim (Neif Hunter) sees news coverage of an apparent suicide, in which a woman, on fire from the waist down, jumps to her death from a building. Deciding that this could be her big break and feeling some sort of weird kinship, Kim tackles the story in spite of her boss (Reggie Bannister) feeling that she is more valuable as a maker of coffee. This leads her into down the path to what might be madness, with bug infestations, weird faces in ordinary objects, a coven of lesbians, giant worms, murder and madness.

There are some really great little bits that most low-rent DTV sequels wouldn't even bother with shooting, such as the scene in which Kim questions the local Chinese butcher, who is caked in blood and struggling to maintain broken English. While asking him questions, she struggles with a candy machine. The butcher gives it a chop with his hand and scoops out all the candies. After offending Kim by gleefully commenting that the dead girl might have been a hooker, she walks away and is about to eat the candies when she notices they are covered in half-dried blood. They could have easily just made it a scene with Kim asking the butcher questions, but Yuzna actually takes the time to set up these neat little moments that add so much to something that could have easily been a major misfire.

Like the TALES FROM THE CRYPT sequels that came along after DEMON KNIGHT (1995), this obviously was derived from an unrelated script that simply had the SNDN brand slapped on top. Even the connection to Christmas is completely reliant on a Christmas tree being shoe-horned into a couple of scenes and Clint Howard flicking on the TV, which happens to be showing the opening nightmare scene from SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT III (1989). Twenty years ago this seemed like a cheap ploy to get video renters to part with their cash on a movie that would otherwise probably not even be made. That may still be true to a point, but that sting of deception removed from the equation, this is actually a really well made film that doesn't pander to expectations and really pushes the creepy, weird, paranoid atmosphere. Add Screaming Mad George's signature effects work and Clint Howard spouting lines like "Awwww, no fucking cheese!" when he finds a half eaten hamburger covered in ants, and you have something that is better now than it was 20 years ago.

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 5 - THE TOY MAKER (1991):

I can't really fault Brian Yuzna from backing off of the whole santa-slasher thing for his sequels. Not to flog a dead santa, but PART 2 was the cheapest, dullest and I'd say most cynical piece of crap, but Anchor Bay seems to have stolen that demerit for their "remake". Did I mention how much PART 2 sucks? Revisiting it after having not seen it since it came out on video in '89 brought the complete lack of fun all back. For the next sequel SNDN III took the concept to a completely ludicrous place (I would say that I would love to be a fly on the wall for those script meetings, except they probably didn't have any), so where to go now? Skip the Santa, but lets still focus on Christmas and turn it into a twisted reworking of... wait!

Sorry, I have to say this - MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!

Where was I? Oh yeah, a twisted reworking of Pinocchio! No seriously. An old fashioned toy maker named Joe Petto (played by a frantic Mickey Rooney, no less) has fallen on hard times and in between slugging back whiskey, he slugs his son Pino (Brian Bremer), who seems to be a bit touched in the head. At the same time a loner in a motel room has been buying Joe's toys and turning them into little killing machines, or is he? Things start getting creepy when Pino takes a shine to one of Joe's last customers, single mom Sarah (Jane Higginson) and takes to stalking her, culminating with a truly twisted final sequence where we discover that Pino is not quite who we think he is and has a homicidal Oedipal complex in spite of a lack of genitalia.

Ok, so maybe the first half hour is pretty dry and the toy killings should have been scarier and gorier (the first one initiates a car crash another is simply jet-powered roller skates), it feels at times a bit like Charles Band should be lurking somewhere behind the camera. On the other hand you have Rooney absolutely shredding the scenery, obviously relishing his role as a sweaty, maniacal drunk who beats his son and keeps him in a basement. You also have Clint Howard, who is always welcome and the smokin' hot Neif Hunter returning as Kim (damn, she should just lock herself in the house around the holidays). Screaming Mad George's effects may be a little bit more low key than usual here, but again, that last 20 minutes is a doozie. I grant you that Brian Yuzna has been an embarrassment to himself and others since the mid-1990s (I like to pretend that 2000s FAUST and 2003s BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR never existed), but dismissing these sequels off hand is doing them a disservice. On the whole THE TOY MAKER may not be as good as INITIATION, but both films are well worth a revisit.

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December to Dismember: SILENT NIGHT (2012)

This review was originally supposed to be up in time for Christmas, but didn’t make it.  That’s okay because we’re breaking all the rules here at Video Junkie.  So you’re getting a December review in January.  Why did I miss my own deadline?  Well, it is a combination of utter laziness and SILENT NIGHT being the biggest lump of coal/shit you can ever imagine. This movie pissed me off so much that I started beating my kids…and I don’t have any kids!  So that means I was basically punching myself in the nuts for watching this utterly cynical and completely useless remake.

You know you’re in trouble right off the bat when non-talent Steven C. Miller opens his film with a SAW-tinged torture bit.  A killer Santa has a chick tied up and the guy she was cheating on her husband with wrapped in a bunch of Christmas lights in the basement. The guy pleads for his life but then realizes he isn’t dealing with his lover’s husband but some real “sick fuck.”  He comes to this realization a moment before being electrocuted.  And we are off!  Cut to Deputy Aubrey Bradimore (Jamie King) waking up lonely in bed.  You see it has been a year since she lost her hubby John and she is feeling down.  Not so understanding is Sheriff Cooper (Malcolm McDowell), who demands she come in today, Christmas Eve of all days, because another deputy has gone missing (the guy from the opening).  It is a big day for this sleepy Wisconsin town because they are having their annual parade of Santas, where seemingly every man in town dresses up like ol’ St. Nick. Oh lawd, here we go.

So Aubrey swallows her hurt and gets into work. It is here that director Miller and screenwriter Jayson Rothwell offer up a stunning succession of scenes that showcase they just don’t care or live in a world completely populated by caricatures.  Aubrey runs up on the Mayor, who has a slutty daughter, Tiffany (Courtney-Jane White), who tells him to fuck off; we get a bratty tween who slaps her mother’s heart medication (!) out of her hands, demands to go to the mall and screams, “Fuck church! I want my new LV today” at her (she gets killed right after this); we get perv Reverend Madeley (Curtis Moore) coming onto Aubrey; and we get a belligerent Santa (Donal Logue) who likes to be mean to bratty kids and keeps a journal about Santa Claus.  Can you see how badass this movie is?  I’m willing to bet Miller sat in meetings and said, “We’re gonna fuck this holiday up.” And we’re just getting started with this bad boy attitude as now we have the first direct scene from the original SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984).  Oh, did you forget this is a remake? Randomly shoehorned in is a scene where Dennis (Erik Berg) is visiting his catatonic Grandpa at an old folks’ home.  He mentions he is dating Tiffany and says to his Grandfather, “I’m boning her pretty regularly now” (yes, really) as he steals money from his wallet. Apparently a screenplay scenario this bad is enough to get Grandpa to snap out of his trance and he delivers the “Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year” dialogue. *sigh*

Meanwhile, the cops have discovered the dead bodies from the opening in the Myers place…er, sorry…an abandoned house.  On the other side of town Tiffany is visiting some cokeheads doing a Suicide Girls-style shoot in a seedy motel. Seriously, fuck off.  After she leaves, the killer Santa shows up and offs everyone including throwing the topless girl into a wood chipper.  Aubrey suspects former mill worker Stein Karsson (Mike O’Brien) is the killer because 1. she’s never seen him before and 2. he is wearing work boots similar to the prints left on the scene.  She confronts him at a bar and he tells her a story he heard about a guy dressed as Santa who torched his wife and her lover with a flamethrower back in the day (a cynical working in of this real life Santa killer).  But it turns out Stein is just the local cocaine dealer, Mr. Snow.  Jesus, let me wrap this up.  Aubrey begins doubting her policing skills and calls her former cop dad, who says, “This isn’t the first time a Bradimore had to bring down a bad Santa” (more on that in a bit).  A whole bunch of people get killed in the last half hour (including a pathetic recreation of Linnea Quigley’s deer antler death from the original) as the cops run around looking for the right Santa and – MAGICALLY -- the cop doubting their skills saves the day.  Cue end credits with shitty metal version of “Silent Night.”

It is almost fitting that this flick ends with a really crappy cover of a Christmas carol because that pretty much encapsulates this film – an attempt to take something well known and make it hard, dude.  Now horror historians won’t be crowning the original SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT as an all-time great.  But I will!  It isn’t the best Christmas horror movie, but it is certainly my favorite.  I mean, it is infinitely quotable, has plenty of Christmas spirit, is highly exploitative (to the point of creating massive controversy) and, believe it or not, has some pretty damning commentary on a number of issues (yes, really).  The fact that this remake mostly focuses on the exploitation factor should let you know how concerned the filmmakers were with making a good movie.  This is a group that openly created something so contemptuous that they wanted people to get upset by it.  It doesn’t work that way and has all the power of a kid with a Mohawk saying “fuck the system” while manning the register at Hot Topic.

Of course, we’re dealing with some nitwits who think everyone will be blown away by their final twist.  If you don’t want it spoiled, stop reading now.  Turns out the Santa killer is the grown up son of the flamethrower toting Santa from that flashback story.  And who just happened to gun his daddy down?  Why it was Aubrey’s dad (hence his aforementioned “bad Santa” line). Okay, let me get this straight – a guy is killing people on Christmas Eve and not a single damn person in the town seems to remember that Mr. Bradimore once shot and killed a guy dressed as Santa on Christmas Eve a few decades ago? Yeah, I guess Aubrey is right and her detective skills really, really suck.  Instead of going “hey, remember that case a few years ago” the cops run around chasing every red herring in the town.  Furthermore, if the guy is out for revenge, why is he killing all of the naughty people and sending them lumps of coal?  And how does he even know they are naughty?  I mean, when he kills the little girl, how did he know she was being a bitch to her mom beforehand?  The original film had a very simple storyline – Billy snaps, sees people doing things he deems naughty and kills them.  They couldn’t even follow this simple set up.  Of course, one has to wonder why this was even called a remake.  Outside of two scenes (and a “garbage day” reference; groooooan), this has nothing to do with the original.  Is Anchor Bay cynical enough to believe that calling it a remake will do enough to bolster a few more sales of the original?  Seeing as they just re-released the original in time for the remake to hit the streets, I’d say so.  They figured slap together a film with a killer Santa, throw in a horror fave (does McDowell ever say no?) and profit.  To quote the store owner being held up by Santa in the original SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT: “I see not all of it is phony sentiment.  Some of it is genuine greed.”

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December to Dismember: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT III (1989)

Monte Hellman. Worked with Roger Corman, Sergio Leone, Sam Peckinpah, Johnathan Demme, Warren Oates, Jack Nicholson. Director of captivating, character-driven films such as THE SHOOTING and TWO-LANE BLACKTOP and this direct to video slasher sequel. Cue needle skipping off the record.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984) is widely acknowledged as the apex of hyper-controversial, highly entertaining slasher trash film-making with (for the time) a shocking amount of graphic gore, the likes of which the FRIDAY THE 13th series couldn't even consider trying to pull off due to Jack Valenti's permanent stink-eye. Likewise SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 (1987) is widely acknowledged as the nadir of cheap, shoddy sequels that are simply using the popularity of the original to make some quick cash. Granted all sequels are, to some extent, using the popularity of the original, but actually have a well-conceived story to tell of their own. Sequels such as PSYCHO II (1984) continue the storyline in a fresh way without besmirching the memory of the original, where as BOOGEYMAN II (1983)... well, that's a horror of a different kind. This sequel, however, is off in its own little doped-up world of odd.

Starting straight in the middle of a nightmare sequence, a sweet tween named Laura (Samantha Scully) is stalked through white hallways by a menacing, knife-wielding Santa and a guy with what appears to be a savory jello mold on his head. Laura wakes up in a sleep research lab only to remember that she is blind and is doing a seemingly ethically unsound experiment where one Dr. Newbury (Richard Beymer) has her hooked up to one Ricky Caldwell (Bill Mosley). Yes, that Ricky Caldwell.

Apparently after being shot (six times?) to death at the end of PART 2, Ricky went into a coma, was put on life-support. His brain was reconstructed by Newbury, who defends his actions by saying that he is saving lives but actually has some sort of agenda (insert evil laugh here). Newbury's brain reconstruction involves a see-through glass dome over Ricky's brain, complete with plenty of Kool-aide in case it gets thirsty (I'm just speculating on that last part). Newbury believes that Laura is psychic and has been using her to psychically connect to Ricky in his coma via several machines that go "bing". Since this is the holiday season, they need to break away from their experiments so that Laura can go celebrate Christmas with her grandparents in Piru. No, not Peru, but Piru, CA. As in "yes, we have oranges", "population: less than 1000" (at the time) and "film permits are really cheap here". Laura, who is one sassy blind chick - working blue with a variety of bad jokes including one about masturbation, heads out to Piru with her meathead brother (Eric DaRe) and his girlfriend (Laura Harring). They are, of course, completely fucked. Because they will soon have a serial killer after them? No. Because Laura decides the best way to get to Piru during the holidays is by taking the 101 freeway. Talk about the blind leading the freakin' stupid! Even Little Red Riding Hood knew to take a shortcut to Grandma's house to avoid traffic. At least, Stan Freberg said she did.

How does that Terry Jones song go?
Never be rude to a killer?

Meanwhile in the hospital, a local Rx Renta-Santa gets smashed on a non-regulation bottle of hooch and wanders through the halls until he accidentally (or conveniently) stumbles into Ricky's room. Apparently too drunk to notice that a '50s flying saucer has crashed into this guy's head and is rife with opportunity for a wisecrack, he goes the more obvious route saying "Hey vegetable! Who's your favorite singer? Perry Coma?" Doesn't he know psychotic killers have absolutely zero tolerance for bad jokes? Even less if they are dead or otherwise incapacitated. Sure enough, this snaps Ricky out of his stupor and snaps Santa right into the next life. Now that Ricky is free to stumble about the premises, what is on his mind? Yes, a plexi-glass dome is true, but no, the answer we were looking for is "Laura". Yep, Ricky is now obsessed with finding Laura in Piru, which shouldn't be too hard, if he doesn't get lost in the oranges. Of course this means that he too is going to take a road-trip leaving a trail of carved up bodies for the cops to follow. A word to the wise: if you are going to pick up a hitchhiker, don't pick up Chop Top, and if you do, don't tell him that you hate Christmas because of the ugly sweaters. Come to think of it, if you ever see Bill Mosley, you should probably just start running.

Hot on his trail is top cop Lt. Connely (Robert Culp) who, with the help of the Doc, must figure out where Laura is headed. The Doc suggests that it might be Piru, but then is flummoxed by the fact that Piru is so large that she could be anywhere! How to narrow it down? The doc mentions that Linda said something about Grandma giving her oranges (Really? In Piru?), so she must be at an orange grower's! Ok, let's index all of the orange growers in Ventura County until we find some connection. Real policework in action. Yeah, Ricky's got all night to waste these chumps.

Of course Ricky gets to Grandma's house before Laura and a game of cat and one blind mice begins, with a special twist that feels less December 25th and more like October 31st.

Mmmm... someone had sausages for dinner!

I expect that noses will start to wrinkle as soon as I say it, but I find this entry pretty damn enjoyable. Not a masterpiece deserving of Monte Hellman's credit, but it is completely absurd (which is a plus for me) and let's face it, after revisiting PART 2, by comparison this has the artistic depth and complexity of Hieronymus Bosch. Upping the entertainment factor, there is an amazing amount of oddball stuff going on in this movie, leading to all sorts of questions. Such as... Why do people keep handing Laura glasses of water? Does being blind make you dehydrated? How did Ricky get shot in the snow and end up in a hospital in Southern California?  Since when do hospitals have synch sound on their security cameras? Do gas station attendants really put their phone-sex partners on hold to help a guy with a towel wrapped around his head? If you go to your grandmother's house for Christmas and she is missing, is having sex in her bathtub really the first thing you should do? If you are blind, know that something is seriously wrong and people are missing is getting your likker on the best choice of action? And seriously, why does Grandma have a completely random gift "from Santa" that isn't for anybody except a random stranger?

So many questions, so few answers, but that's it's what makes this movie so much more than it seems to be at first glance. Sure they could have used just a touch more gore. Sure they could have done some really weird and interesting stuff with some of the groundwork they laid out. For instance, Ricky can telepathically "see" what Laura is seeing. I know, it's been done before. The catch here is - Laura is blind! WtF? Inspite of it's faults, or maybe because of them, this might actually be the best SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT sequel... so far.

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December to Dismember: SANTA CLAWS (1996)

I am almost 100% certain that the epitaph on John Russo’s tombstone is going to read, “Hey, don’t forget I co-wrote the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD!”  It is his claim to fame and he is still riding it to this day.  When Russo and George Romero split in the early 1970s (after the second collaboration THERE’S ALWAYS VANILLA [1971]), it became pretty apparently who the more talented filmmaker was. Both men stayed in Pennsylvania and went the independent route – Romero blossomed into an illustrious horror director with 1970s classics such as THE CRAZIES (1973), MARTIN (1976) and DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978), while Russo made THE BOOBY HATCH (1976). ‘Nuff said.  Yet Russo kept right on trying.  He maintained a busy horror fiction career alongside more directorial efforts such as MIDNIGHT (1981) and HEARTSTOPPER (1991), all the while reminding everyone “I co-wrote the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD” at conventions (where he would hock dirt from the original NOTLD cemetery).

Perhaps all that time spent at horror conventions helped him come up with the idea of launching the magazine Scream Queens Illustrated in 1993.  Under the sound business model of “sex sells,” the publication highlighted the bevy of horror hotties whose claim to fame is stepping before a camera and screaming.  With Playboy-on-a-budget style layouts, the bi-monthly publication seemingly catered to the virginal horror geek loser stereotype.  With business busting, Russo decided to once again use his filmmaking “skills” to create some companion pieces to his print fodder.  The resulting films from this era were SCREAM QUEENS’ NAKED CHRISTMAS (1996) and today's review subject SANTA CLAWS (1996).

Now I’m open to giving every film a chance, but when something offers me a shot like this within the first minute, I know that I’m going to be in for a rough ride.

Yes, nothing says fun movie like a flabby, middle-aged man with skin as white as frozen chicken topless with a hot lady. The offending above shot is what young Wayne sees on Christmas Eve.  Even worse, it is his mom in bed with his uncle after his father passed away, so the kid has no recourse but to shoot them dead (understandable).

Years later, we get a glimpse of Scream Queen Illustrated headquarters as a local news channel is interviewing producer Bruce Brunswick (Karl Hardman; yes, NOTLD’s Mr. Cooper).  He’s proud to announce that they have started filming SCREAM QUEENS’ NAKED CHRISTMAS (how meta!) and the lead is top scream queen Raven Quinn (Debbie Rochon).  Raven proves she is no dumb bimbo by explaining she has a degree in zoology.  But the scream queen grind pays the bills and she is having a tough time with her husband Eric (John Mowod), a nudie photographer, while trying to raise their two daughters.  Such is the life of a in demand Scream Queen/zoologist.

Even this dummy is creeped out by Wayne!

We now meet the grown up Wayne (Grant Cramer), who just happens to be Raven Quinn’s biggest fan?  How big?  The man ordered an un-lifelike bust of her to make as the centerpiece of his Raven Quinn shrine (which he makes sure to mention contains original props from her feature THE HOODED CLAW). You know he is nuts because he literally wrings his hands while saying, “I’m your biggest fan.”  Meanwhile, Raven is still dealing with her marriage woes. She picks up her kids from their grandmother (Marilyn Eastman; yup, another NOTLD alum) and gets bitched out for having such a horrible career. Okay, let me get this straight, getting nude before the camera (Raven) equals inappropriate, but being the nudie photographer (Eric) is perfectly okay?  Whatever, grandma! To make matters worse, Eric is off at a hotel in Akron, Ohio with some other scream queen to do a photo shoot for a few days.  What!?! When do these shoots (with a one man crew, no less) take a few days?  And who the hell goes to Akron to do anything? Such are the mysteries of Mr. Russo’s screenplay.

Poor put upon Raven must deal with the two kids on her own. Thankfully, she has help from her neighbor.  A local teacher named…wait for it…Wayne!  Dah-dah-dahhhhhhh!  Yes, her no. 1 fan proves his status by living right next door to her. Of course, Raven has no idea this guy is a true fanatic and tells him all about her latest scream queen project.  “Basically an excuse for a bunch of horny guys to watch naked women” is how she explains it.  For some reason the idea of anyone else looking at his nekkid precious is enough to drive poor Wayne over the edge.  He decides the best recourse is to start offing people with his garden claw.  I mean, when he is not busy babysitting Raven’s kids.  After offing a scream queen (who doesn’t scream too well) and the producer, he goes completely nutzo and buys a Santa Claus suit, spray paints it black and heads to the studio to take care of Raven during her shoot.  Gee, I wonder if wayward husband Eric will save the day.

Looks like these kids took in a John Russo flick:

About the only clever thing about this movie is the title that playfully puns old St. Nick’s name. But SANTA CLAWS will immediately evoke something much better in your brain than a guy in a Santa suit and black mask carrying around a garden tool.  Hell, even the Shock-o-Rama DVD cover (see above) to “celebrate” the 10th anniversary (ha!) offers a better monster.  We want Santa tearing people apart with actual claws!  Damn, Russo, why didn’t you even try?

"Hmm, I wonder what that Wayne guy is up to?"

The craziest thing about this is Russo has a pretty lengthy bibliography, but he apparently couldn’t be bothered to come up with anything inventive here.  I don’t think he realized how close to home he hit when he wrote the line about Raven’s films being nothing but stroking material for horny fans.  This has segments of completely naked ladies dancing for minutes on end, to the point of becoming boring.  And if you thought his writing was lackluster, wait until you see the direction. Russo is the kind of guy who feels it is perfectly normal to film a murderer disposing of bodies in broad daylight in the middle of a snowy day.  Would a killer ever be that dumb? The only thing less obviously would be if his van had a “Serial Killer on Board” magnet stuck to the side of it.  Russo's script is full of such nonsensical bits like this.  I died when Eric rushes to the studio he works for to save his wife and is told by a PA that "I need to see some ID" after being buzzed in.  This is just moments after the killer walked in the same door without having to be buzzed in!  Do they only do security every other visitor?  Even better, Eric calmly pulls out his ID and then grumbles "I even work here" after the guy lets him pass.

It is a shame because the “horror geek stalks scream queen” scenario actually has a lot of potential (especially if you’ve ever been to a horror convention).  I’ll confess that despite having over 200 credits to her name, Debbie Rochon has only graced my TV a few times.  She is a decent actress, but I could only imagine the whole time how much better this would be had it starred Linnea Quigley, Maria Ford or Brinke Stevens.  You know, a real scream queen who has probably dealt with these issues.  And I also imagined how it would be directed by someone like Jim Wynorski or, hell, even Bill Hinzman, who acts as the DP here and has a small role. Flesheater could have brought this sucker alive!  Basically, the whole time I was wishing for a better movie and that is not a good thing. So, once again, my theory of any film featuring a naked middle-aged man in the first minute is never going to be good is confirmed. Damn you, laws of cinematic truths!

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December to Dismember: PUREZENTO (2005)

You will probably hear us mention SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984) over and over in our Christmas horror coverage, mostly because of its controversial past when U.S. parents protested in outrage over the idea of a killer Santa Claus.  The funny thing about this was it wasn’t really a killer Santa, just a guy killing people who happened to be dressed in a Santa Claus suit.  But the public wasn’t about to have the cheery image of Santa sullied, despite the origins of Santa via predecessors like Saint Nicholas and Sinterklaas being scary as hell.  To the best of my knowledge, the real Santa – the man, the myth, the legend – has only appeared as a villain in four films: Netherlands’ SAINT (2010), Finland’s RARE EXPORTS (2010), America’s SANTA’S SLAY (2005; with Bill Goldberg as Santa!) and Japan’s PUREZENTO (2005).  And leave it to the Japanese to make the most brutal depiction of Santa out of that group.

PUREZENTO (PRESENT) opens with young Yuko in bed on Christmas Eve, when her parents tell her about blue-eyed Santa Claus.  She’s told if she is a good girl that Santa will return the favor.  However, if she’s bad, he’ll come and get you.  Years later the teenage Yuko (Mai Takahasi) is getting ready to celebrate Christmas with some friends.  She has a crush on Ryosuke (Takamasa Suga) and in her card to him she writes “my gift to you is me.”  Ah, virginity, the gift that keeps on giving.  The young lovebirds and two other couples are driven to a spooky looking hotel high on a mountain top during a snowstorm.  The kids seem to have no qualms that the guy working the front desk is a scary looking blue-eyed Santa (Randall Himes) and they split off into their separate rooms for a night of Nativity naughtiness.

Yuko and Ryosuke make it into their suite and she is disturbed by everything looking so familiar.  Indeed, the room has many of the same items Yuko had as a child, right down to her world flag bed sheets.  As if déjà vu weren’t freaky enough, the couple’s night (post-coitus, of course) is interrupted by screams from down the hall. They go to investigate and see a door shattered on the floor.  Inside the room, two of their friends are butchered.  The young boy is split in half and the girl is missing some limbs. As she slowly dies on the floor, the girl babbles about Santa’s revenge because “we’ve been desecrating Holy Christmas” and how Santa will “retrieve the presents he gave us in the past.”  Wait, Santa is an Indian giver?  Not cool.  After Ryosuke empties his stomach contents, the duo heads out into the hall to warn the other couple. Santa has just gotten to their room though and the girl makes it down the hall to Yuko and Ryosuke.  The boyfriend isn’t as lucky as he is bounced off the wall and then has his leg sliced off by Santa’s big-ass ninja star on a chain thingy.

The three surviving kids make a run for it and find safety in a stairwell.  It is here that they all realize they are seeing different version of Santa – Yuko sees the blue-eyed one (the one the audiences always sees), Ryosuke says he saw his father as Santa and the third girl says she sees a female Santa.  While Santa pounds at the door, Ryosuke tries to stop him while the two girls bolt.  They make their way to another door and are greeted by the killer Santa, who knocks them out.  What is going on here?  Yuko wakes up apparently on the set of a SAW movie as she watches Santa brutally butcher her friend (even feeding her brains to his reindeer) in a grimy kitchen.  Ryosuke shows up to save her, but as they got to leave he says he can’t move his left leg. For good reason as they look down and it has been chopped off.  Santa then shoves a Christmas light covered spear into his head.  Yuko runs into the snow-filled night and begins to question if this is all her fault. You see, Miss Innocent isn’t as pure as we thought.  Via flashbacks, we learn that the bad girl Yuko (this is established by showing her smoking) had plotted to get Ryosuke into bed by acting chaste and she feels this is her punishment for being naughty.  She then runs right into Santa, who confirms her theory by stabbing her with his spear and…Yuko wakes up!

Damn, it was all a dream and she fell asleep while writing out that Xmas card.  Girl, you so crazy!  She talks to her friend on the phone who tells her she had the exact same dream except the Santa Claus was a woman (because her mother was a feminist and told her Santa was a woman).  While on the phone though the girl screams that the female Santa is in her house right as Yuko opens the fridge and the severed body parts of Ryosuke tumble out.  Hold on, kids, it gets weirder.  Yuko then notices a gaping hole in the back of her skull and then the young Yuko shows up and rips her brains out. WTF!?!  The young Yuko then wakes up in her bed.  Whew, it was all a dream within a dream.  Her parents come in to comfort her and seem pleased they have such a lovely young daughter.  Of course, this is countered when they leave and Yuko gives the “scary kid stare” into the camera.  The end!

PUREZENTO came from the twisted mind of cult Japanese horror comic writer Kazuo Umezu.  Probably best known for the manga sci-fi series THE DRIFTING CLASSROOM, Umezu’s bloodier works inspired a generation of young Japanese filmmakers and they sought to pay tribute to him with a series of film adaptations. Six films were made as part of KAZUO UMEZU’S HORROR THEATER and this entry was done by Yudai Yamaguchi, who is probably best know for writing the gangster-zombie cult film VERSUS (2000).  Shot on video, the 47-minute PUREZENTO is probably the most graphic depiction of Santa that you’re ever going to see.  I’m sure Fox News would love to have this guy in their corner for their imaginary “War on Christmas” as he loves pulling off fingernails and snapping off fingers.  Unfortunately, that leads to a rather dull viewing experience.  Yamaguchi does some nice things in his episode (the use of red and green lighting), but mostly this is just wannabe subversive stuff that would give Eli Roth a boner.  The film works best in the final minutes when things get totally loopy and really reinforce that dream-like state (yes, I’ve had dreams where I decide to start picking at a gaping hole in my body).  The rest is just torture porn stuff that I’d only recommend for viewers who want to know how Santa looks throwing a flying guillotine-style weapon.

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December to Dismember: ELVES (1989)

Good subversive Christmas movies are hard to come by. They are usually independent, often so independent that they might never see the light of day but for the sucking vortex of DTV fodder for video store shelves back in the '80s. On the one hand, you have SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984), which was actually gleefully subversive, yet slickly executed for its million dollar budget, on the other hand you have ELVES (1989). It wants to be subversive and slick, but not even with a million dollar budget (this was clearly made for roughly the trade-in value of a '77 Ford Pinto) would writer-director Jeffrey Mandel manage to do anything other than trip-over his own shoe laces. I could say that this movie is the equivalent of a stocking full of coal, but at least coal is useful if you set it on fire. [2022 edit: I don't know why I was so down on this movie, it's actually a lot of fun and is intentionally funny in a way that isn't obnoxious and over the top]

Opening with a trio of high-school girls trying to light candles and read one of Grampa's old books in the middle of the woods at night, one girl, Kirsten (Julie Austin), accidentally cuts herself on the glass candle-holder dripping blood on to the ground. This causes the girls to flip out and run back to their respective homes. Kirsten's life pretty much sucks ass. While trying to return the book to wheelchair-bound Gramp's (Borah Silver) room, she gets caught and Gramps doesn't use his wheelchair as an excuse not to get a good beating in, slapping around Kirsten like a red-headed stepchild. Mom (Deanna Lund) decides the best way to punish Kirsten, is to clean out her personal bank account and give the money to her little brother Willy (Christopher Graham), who likes to spy on her in the shower... Which leads to this exchange:
Kirsten: "You pervert!"
Willy: "I'm not a pervert, I like seeing naked girls!"
Kirsten: "I'm your fuckin' sister!"
Willy: "Yeah, and you've got fucking big tits and I'm gonna tell everybody that I saw them!"

After a few more inflammatory comments, Willy finally says "Well fuck you! Mom says that she's giving me all your money, so fuck you!" This leads to an inevitable tickling, giggling and deep sighs, just like confrontations between siblings always do... right? Uhhhh, yeah.

The next day at work, at the local department store (which sounds like it's named "Golem's", so I'm just going to go with that), Kirsten and her friends decide to "goof" on Santa by sitting on his lap. When the coke-snorting letch decides that he is going to promise an extra special present to Kirsten, he whispers "oral" in her ear. Not the most interesting of cheap come-ons, but hey, you never know, he could be talking about Mr. Roberts. After getting a hand across his face, he is then promptly sent to his breakroom by the manager where he is stabbed in the crotch - to death - by the woodland creature while trying to keep his beard out of the dope. Ummm, why doesn't the creature use it's claws and razor-sharp teeth? And if you are going to steal a knife from housewares, why get that dinky vegetable knife? Strangely, the next day the store manager tells the cops "nothing like this has happened in Golem's in 50 years!" Wait, so are you saying that fifty years ago the department store Santa also got stabbed in the nuts while doing coke? What are the odds? Actually, it is small-town Colorado, so yeah, totally believable after all.

This Santa is bringing in his snow from Mexico...

Anyway, this mysterious murder leads to down-and-out, chain-smoking, ex-cop Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty) to be given the job as Santa, as well as the same dressing room, complete with the chalk outline and bloodstains from the previous Santa. This piques his latent detective skills, as does the cryptic rune drawn at the crime scene. Hmmmm... has someone been watching too much Fulci? A Romero reference comes during a bit of dialogue in which we are told "when there is no more room in hell, the elves will walk the Earth." Well, apparently hell, is only over-crowded by one as there is only a single elf in this movie. That's right, the title is plural and even the tag line, "they're not working for Santa... anymore", states multiples, even the characters refer to "them" instead of "it"! Anyway, through keen insight McGavin sees through the mundane particulars of the case and decides he needs to gumshoe it. He discusses his plans with the detective on the case in an exchange that sounds like rejected dialogue from a BILL AND TED movie:

McGavin: "...I need a little time!"

Detective: "Alright, you have 24 hours pal! That enough time?"

McGavin: "I really don't know if that's enough time!"

Detective: "It better be enough time!"

Typecasting. It's a bitch. Or it is indicative of the (limited) range of an actor, if we're going to be cynical. If I say "Grizzly Adams" what are you going to say? Dan Haggarty of course! Haggarty lays on his soft-spoken, puppy-dog eyed, hard-luck ex-alcoholic (are you ever really an "ex"?) shtick with a trowel and largely spends his on-screen time smoking like a freakin' chimney. This guy brings a full carton of Camels into the department store coffee shop just to have a cup of joe. Hell, he even puffs his smokes while looking up evil rune lore in the local library. Incidentally, according to a nerd on the IMDb, evil runic lore is not found in section 666 as the librarian states, but since American libraries use the Dewey Decimal System, it would actually be found in section 130. Not nearly as interesting sounding, is it?

As we find out, Gramps is an ex-Nazi (are you ever really an "ex"?) who was involved in an experiment to create the master race by breeding progeny that will be able to have sex with an elf, creating the Aryan master race which is also The Anti-Christ! Ok, I have to admit, that's a pretty damn cool idea, if completely freakin' bonkers. Too bad Mandel is completely incapable of expressing it on film in any cohesive fashion. If there's one thing I can't fault the movie for (but other people might) it's the plethora of random strangeness. At one point Gramp's crazy Nazi buddies are looking for Kirsten and find her in the department store trying on lingerie with her friends in the middle of the night. Instead of slipping in silently and subduing her, they decide the best thing to do is start a massive firefight right next to the gun section (this is Colorado remember), for which McGavin actually sets aside his cigarette. This close-quarters shootout seems to be inspired by a Nick Millard film as it is simply cutting back and forth for seemingly endless time with nobody able to hit anybody else in spite of being ten feet away from each other! The best bizarre business is with Kirsten's mom, who is flat out psychotic. At one point she decides, for no adequately explained reason, to drown Kirsten's cat in the toilet before burying it in the yard. And why is Mom single? I can't imagine. In another scene she freaks out in the bathroom, smears lipstick all over her face and starts to write something in the mirror. We never see what it is that she writes - the next thing you know, her blatantly obvious body double is being electrocuted in the bathtub while what appears to be Leonardo Cimino nods his approval at the end of the tub.

Interestingly this film appears to have had some budget issues in the later phase of production. All of the footage that would be shot by a second unit is pretty well botched. Don't get me wrong, there is a shitload of fumbling going on during the regular scenes, but the second unit stuff is a total, unmitigated disaster. This is interesting as there is no second unit director credited, only a first and second assistant director, positions that don't handle any sort of actually shooting, and would seem to command more salary than this production can possibly afford. The prosthetic elf, that is only in insert shots, looks half finished is barely animated, limited to minor neck and eye movements, frequently looking like it has suffered a major stroke. The other parts of the elf are simply a rubber hand and rubber feet that are clearly being manipulated off camera and bend in silly ways (I guess that's why the elf needs a knife, his claws simply crumple when he grabs someone). Even worse, the lighting for these shots is usually a single, undiffused bulb that makes the prop look even more like something that you'd find in the back pages of Fango. I'd guess that maybe either the budget was mismanaged or that the funding suddenly ran out and perhaps this is why the movie says that there are "elves" when it is clearly an elf. Or perhaps they simply didn't know what they were doing. The big climactic finale where the kids kill the elf is actually nothing more than a whole mess of video feedback distortion with whooshing sound effects while Kirsten and Willy roll around on the ground for what seems like forever.

Can you see the hidden pattern
on this Official WWII Document?

It's too bad this movie never had a sequel, there's so much you could do right with the concept, instead of doing everything so very wrong. That said, there is some fun to be had here, depending on how amused you are by lines like "Life's a bitch. First you're Santa, then you die. Or in my case, they piss on ya." Words to live by, I reckon.

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