Halloween Havoc: SHADOWS RUN BLACK (1986)

There is an urban myth that we humans only use 10-20% of our brains. Scientists use 65% of their brains laughing about this alleged fact, 20% being annoyed by it, while the other 15% tries to figure out why this act of hilarity would cause one's buttocks to detach (true story, I read it on the internet). There are many scientific reasons that those men and women of long beards and labcoats have given to prove how mindless this myth is, but I have my own: I forget which movies I have watched over time. Not all of them, just a lot of them.

Clearly the brain has a certain amount of cabinets in the File Room (located next to the Microfiche Oblongata). You can put whatever you want in there, but after a while, some stuff has got to be junked in whole or mostly in part. My memory of seeing NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA (1985) in a raucous Manhattan theater takes up half a drawer, so something needed to go. The name of the first girl who allowed me to slide into home base? Not a freakin' clue.

When Will sent me an e-mail asking me if I had seen SHADOWS RUN BLACK, I was pretty sure I had seen it, twice in fact. I just couldn't remember a damn thing about it. Obviously I needed to update my files. The plot outline for that great novel I was going to write? Gone. Now I remember what I forgot about this movie: it's not very memorable.

Back in '86 you could damn near release anything horror related on VHS. Video rental shops (remember those? I do. My brother's birthday? Nope.) couldn't jam them out fast enough and really all you needed to do was have someone vaguely menacing in the promo art and you were set! Following this train of thought, we have career editor Howard Heard's first and last directorial effort. A small town is in the midst of a rash of killings by an unknown predator who has been dubbed "The Black Angel". Legendary cop Rydell King (William J. Kulzer, who also produced) has a chip on his shoulder because years ago he tracked down his daughter's kidnapper/killer, and comes on board to help out by completely taking over the case, yelling at potential witnesses and generally flying off the handle at every opportunity.

After the killer takes out a couple up in a mountain cabin with a wrench and a car-hood (both off camera), the cops haul in a college prostitute/junkie named Lee (Terry Congie), who looks so healthy and clean-scrubbed, she'd make soccer moms envious. King is convinced that she knows who the killer is because the killer has been targeting members of her circle of college-girl hooker/druggies! After King gets through giving her the Joe Friday routine, Lee finally gets to go back home... to her birthday party! This is exactly the kind of birthday party I think of when I think "junkie/hooker", complete with magician (John "Magic" Wright) and his stand-up bass playing assistant.

Lee (who suddenly has a completely different hairstyle) helps out with a card-trick involving a deck of tarot cards. Of course the card she picks is the death card! As if that wasn't bad enough, her boyfriend Jimmy (Kevin Costner) is behaving like a drunken asshole. So much of a douchebag is Jimmy, that he actually wants to stay and watch the lamest magic show ever, rather than go skinny dipping with Lee. Naturally after stripping down and swimming around in the buff, our black clad killer shows up and strangles her to death. Now who is the number one suspect? The boyfriend of course!

The press, apparently unaware that the killer already has a nick-name, declares him the "Co-Ed Strangler", in spite of the fact that only one of his victims has been strangled and King is now so frothed up about the killings and finding Jimmy that he is in danger of mussing his hairpiece.

This sort of leads us to the main plot (30 minutes into the film), a girl named Judy who lives with her psychotically protective, older brother Morgan (Shea Porter) and his wife is being stalked by the Black Angel / Co-Ed Strangler. Clearly the killer is a fan of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968), as when he calls Judy up all he can think of to say is "I'm coming to get you, Judy." In reaction to this Morgan flips out and beats up Judy's wimpy, allegedly black boyfriend because he's "dangerous". This is a fumbling attempt at making the audience think that there is another possibility for the identity of the killer, as is the scene where Morgan's wife has an affair with his co-worker. Of course, it's so clumsily done you won't even realize that it's an attempt at a red herring until it is suggested out loud at the end of the movie!

The rest of the movie is essentially scene after scene of badly acted, pointless conversations with references made to the laughably absurd prostitution/drug ring, interspersed with some of the most amazingly gratuitous nudity ever presented in a slasher film. No joke, if there was a Golden Bush Award, this movie would totally score. The killer has an amazing ability to show up as soon as one of the girls on his list has removed their clothes. Whether it's because they are about to or have finished with seemingly innocuous sex with their significant other, or just because a women steps out of the shower to go downstairs completely naked to find out why their roommate isn't answering them, he's more punctual than a Berlin train. Also, making coffee is apparently something best to be avoided while in a state of complete undress when you are trying to avoid a killer. Not that any of these girls seem in any way concerned for about the madman that is slaughtering all of their friends! There is so much full-frontal female nudity that it is rather easy to forget what exactly what kind of film you are watching. It almost feels like one of those '60s nudie thrillers like Harold Lea's THE FAT BLACK PUSSYCAT (1963), which has roughly the same plot, if you can call it that.

Made in 1981 and unreleased until 1986 when Kostner was just about to become a big Hollywood name with THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987), the murders are incredibly tame and usually off-screen and it doesn't take a lick of brainpower to figure out who the killer is well before we hit the halfway mark. It is truly amazing that this was made by someone who made their living as an editor. In addition to staggeringly wooden performances, rock-bottom production values, cinematography that makes 35mm look like Super16, the movie looks like it was cobbled together using every scrap of footage that was shot, whether it makes any sense or not. There are huge lapses of continuity, leaving us with a movie could be cut from 88 minutes down to 28 minutes and it wouldn't make any less sense. We don't even find out what the killer's motivation was! We find out who the killer is, but we are left to come up with our own explanations as to why the murders actually happened!

So now you're saying "but is this movie worth my valuable time to watch?" If the screengrabs can't answer that question, I've got nothing for you.

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Halloween Havoc: FRANKENSTEIN REBORN! (1998) & FRANKENSTEIN REBORN (2005)

No, that curious creature to the left isn’t one of my ex-girlfriends.  That is cinema’s very first Frankenstein’s monster as he appeared in FRANKENSTEIN (1910) produced by Edison Studios.  Since that first appearance over a century ago, Frankenstein’s monster and Dracula have been neck-and-bloody-neck in a competition for which horror character has been portrayed more on both the big and little screen.  With its themes of life and death, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein is a fertile ground that draws filmmakers from all corners of the Earth.  The fact that the character is public domain might also have something to do with it. Today we’ll examine two of the lower budget attempts, both updating their variations for modern audiences by titling their films FRANKENSTEIN REBORN.

Our first entry came from Charles Band’s Full Moon studio. Much like the concurrently-shot THE WEREWOLF REBORN (1998), their stab at the Frankenstein legend was aimed more at kids as part of Band’s ambitious Filmonsters sub-label (which was a planned 12 part series, but only last for these two entries). An obvious attempt to cash in on the lucrative GOOSEBUMPS market, Band certainly had his heart in the right place; meaning, right next to his wallet.  This 45-minute flick wastes no time with the set up as recently-orphaned Anna (Haven Burton) arrives at the isolated castle of her uncle, Victor Frankenstein (Jaason Simmons; yes, with two “a”s).  Victor apparently hates being saddled with the responsibility and tells her she can’t wander around his abode while he does medical research with his assistant Ludwig (George Calin) in the basement.  Anna meets Thomas (Ben Gould), a young groundskeeper, and soon they are sneaking into Victor’s private library and peeking in on his experiments.  Before you can scream “it’s alive,” the medical deviate duo has resurrected a monster (Ethan Wilde) sewn together from various humans that bolts into the woods and starts terrorizing the villagers.

In case you ever forget your surname:

Made during the start of Full Moon’s lean period, FRANKENSTEIN REBORN! was lensed on the cheap in the Romanian countryside.  Like Jeff Burr on the werewolf picture, director David DeCoteau (under the pseudonym Julian Breen) actually turns this negative into a plus as the locations give the film a more authentic feel.  Truthfully, this looks a lot better than it has any right to and DeCoteau and his production team actually give us an impressive looking laboratory. The budget restraints do reveal themselves in the final where the castle burns down in the finale with some CGI flames rendered so terribly that the monster would probably scream, “Fire bad!”  I’d be willing to wager that DeCoteau is a fan of Hammer’s THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1957) as his monster resembles the Christopher Lee variation from that film with its body wraps and big overcoat.  Of course, this is still a film made for kids so don’t expect anything too challenging, graphic or subversive (hopefully no kids looked up DeCoteau’s filmography post-viewing).  It is basically a Cliffsnotes version of the story.  And by that I mean the story of James Whale’s FRANKENSTEIN (1931) and not the actual source novel.  I just find hope in the idea that some lazy kid opted to rent and watch this instead of reading this for their book report.  “What do you mean Frankenstein didn’t read children’s books,” little Timmy questions after getting an F on his essay.  In the end, this adaptation is just too innocuous to recommend, unless you are a Frankenstein or Full Moon completists (if you’re the latter, I’m sorry).  If you still have a desire to see it, you can pick up a cheap double feature DVD of this and THE WEREWOLF REBORN from the UK.

The Asylum’s FRANKENSTEIN REBORN arrived seven years later.  As you can see, this is a totally different kind of beast as the title features no exclamation point.  Believe it or not, before they took over the world with unwatchable mockbusters, The Asylum produced films that were original stories. Well, original in the sense that they retold stuff like the Frankenstein or werewolf mythos.

The film centers on Dr. Victor Frank (Rhett Giles, aka bootleg Gerard Butler) who is currently incarcerated in a loony bin and telling his story to psychologist Dr. Robert Walton (Thomas Downey, aka bootleg Matt Damon).  The shrink is trying to determine whether Dr. Frank is mentally fit to stand trial for several murders and his outlandish stories aren’t really helping.  Dr. Frank explains that he was working on some pioneering nanotechnology and, via flashback we see how he and his assistant Hank (Jeff Denton) experiment on paraplegic Bryce (Joel Hebner).  In his downtime the good doc has S&M threesomes with his love interest Elizabeth (Eliza Swenson).  Yes, this has all the risqué sex scenes Shelley wanted to put in her book.  Anyway, with fear of losing his trustees grant, Dr. Frank also starts experimenting on himself and this causes a problem when his unsavory desires are picked up by the computer and fed into Bryce’s brain.  When their subject is killed, Dr. Frank and Hank (haha that rhymes) set about trying to resurrect him.  Naturally, they succeed and soon a hulking, killing beast with Dr. Frank’s deviant mental issues is on the loose.

Frankenstein's Monster: The Meth Years

The second FRANKENSTEIN REBORN is the complete antithesis of DeCoteau’s kiddie retelling.  Director Leigh Scott opts for a gory-as-hell reworking of the Frankenstein fable as evidenced by the opening scene where a lady is thrown onto the table by the monster and has her legs ripped off.  For a low budget Frankenstein variation, this definitely sets itself apart with that element and some occasionally decent acting.  And I have to say that I really liked their design for the monster in this one as it sets itself apart from the storied history of Frankenstein’s monsters.  Scott also makes some nice nods toward THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935) and THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991).  Now don’t think I am praising this as a classic. It is definitely not.  The direction vacillates from engaging to flatter-than-days-old-soda and Scott even botches the filming of some kills.  But it slings enough grue that I was sufficiently satisfied during its 80-minute running time (the same can also be said for Scott’s THE BEAST OF BRAY ROAD from the same year).  Yes, I’m easy and it caught me at the right moment.  Sadly, The Asylum abandoned this type of film in favor of the drivel that is currently driving the cult movie hipsters crazy on SyFy.  Sad. They coulda been a contender.

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Halloween Havoc: DARA'S HOME (2009) aka MACABRE

"Jakarta... shit... still in Jakarta..."
I think that was my mouth that mumbled those words. There wasn't anyone else around that I could see. I had to have been me. The air conditioner whirring, chopping the air, drying the beads of sweat that were boiling on my forehead without cooling the fever in my brain. I don't have a mirror, but if I did, it would be smashed. I knew I shouldn't have taken that Indonesian Yuzna. Two doses of tedium cut with cliche and mono-dimensions. It was some heavy shit. Put the monkey on you. A monkey that howls and bites your ears as if to annoy the very depths of your being, leaving marks that will never allow you forget. I never should have done it, but regret is like a two-bit hooker on a back-alley that I can't afford, neither by way of my wallet nor my psyche. I did it and it's done. I watched the first full-length Mo Brother's film and I can't undo that.

You may remember me babbling about TAKUT (2008) an Indonesian psuedo-anthology that contained an excellent short titled DARA by a couple of guys, Kimo Stamboel and Timo Tjahjanto, who call themselves The Mo Brothers. I find filmmakers who give themselves nicknames to be more annoying than a hipster on crack, but the short was stylish, tight, and perfectly played out by the cast. A year or so later, no doubt due to the success of the short, The Mo Brothers decided that their follow up would be a... wait for it... feature film based on the short. Not a sequel, not a remake, but a sort of weird melange of the original actors and vague themes from the short inserted into what appears to be a Michael Bay screenplay. "The horror... the horror." Indeed.

A group of friends are on a roadtrip to Jakarta, from some place that is presumably not near Jakarta, and after an altercation in a restaurant, nearly run over a girl standing out in the rain. Hooboy, you know this will not en...zzzzzzzz *snork* whu-huh? Oh yeah, sorry. Yes, the girl, Maya (Imelda Therinne) is a little weird, but since Eko (Dendy Subangil) thinks she's kinda hot, the group grudgingly decides to give her a ride home. Of course home is a little out of the way and as it turns out, is a ways off the highway. Stop me if you've heard this one before. A group of tweens walk into a house... the house is decorated in animal skeleti and Maya introduces her mother, the unblinking, perpetually smiling Dara (Shareefa Daanish). Dara insists that they all stay for dinner. She has a special meal that she wants to prepare for them, in celebration of the safe return of her daughter, who was like two miles away and not even in danger of getting wet since she had an umbrella.

After much akward dialogue, the group agrees to stay for dinner. Adjie (Ario Bayu) and his pregnant fiancee Astrid (Sigi Wimala) decide to relax in a room, Maya and Eko also head upstairs while the rest eat dinner, only to find out that their wine has been drugged and that they are now tied up in the basement. It's no spoiler to say that one by one the kids are killed off until the remainder can get free and fight back. Besides, a life-threatening wound and the loss of several quarts of blood doesn't stop anyone from getting back in the fight.

Firstly you'll notice that instead of the silky, stylish Argento-esque visuals of the short, we now have the faux-cinéma vérité hand-held, grainy "Texas Chainsaw Cam" mixed with Raimi-esque POV shots. Second you will notice that the whole anti-TAMPOPO food-seduction horror of the short is but a distant memory. The only lingering close-ups we get now are of screaming, crying faces and blood-gushing wounds. Not that the latter is bad for a horror movie, but after a while, it gets rather monotonous when there's nothing else to engage with.

Seasoned video veterans will no doubt identify with the experience of forgetting about seeing a movie in the past and slowly realizing that you have seen the movie before while watching it. That pretty much sums up the feeling you'll have with DARA'S HOME on your first go round. In a lot of cases, we have seen it before... only in different movies. The Mo Brother's reference to Argento is here, instead of the lush camerawork (something that I have no problem with others paying homage to), it is represented by the metal stiletto in Dara's hair that looks very similar to the iconic metal peacock feather used by Jessica Harper in SUSPIRIA (1977) and is, in fact, used to stab someone in the neck. Taking the "if we did it once and it was good, doing it two dozen times, will make it great" line of thought, Dara's little head-cock bit, stolen blatantly from Michael Meyers in HALLOWEEN (1978), and trademarked side-long look was kind of cool once, but for some reason they decided to have her do it in EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. SCENE. The set design seems to be inspired by the TEXAS CHAINSAW remakes, people are tortured while tied to chairs, Dara's fat son slowly licks the face of his female captive, a chainsaw fight, and the list goes on.

Suddenly, near the end of the movie there is some strangely pointless references to Dara being much older than she appears (we find this out because a policeman stumbles across a film projector, already set up, containing an old home movie of Dara training her kids to kill a man tied to a chair). We also find out (*SPOILERS*) that she has been capturing and killing wayward travelers for over 100 years, selling their meat and cellphones (!), to wealthy people who wish to stay young. Apparently babies are best for this as she gives Astrid a tonic at the beginning of the film to induce premature labor, allowing for a charming scene in which Astrid's water breaks all over the floor. None of this adds anything to the film in the final act, except to make you wish that some of the non-plot about the family being older than they look had been handed out earlier in the film. At least it would give the impression that there was more going on than a by-the-numbers torture porn flick that still thinks they are doing something novel by covering a set in fake blood.

Within the past few years The Mo Brothers have contributed to V/H/S/2 (2013) and THE ABCS OF DEATH (2012) and have been hyping their perpetually "coming soon" new project KILLERS (supposedly 2013), which will be their second feature. The only real plot details that are out there are basically it's two guys who nothing alike (one a serial killer, the other a journalist) coming together and entering on a violent "journey of self-discovery". Hopefully by then, I'll have my orders and can go up river.

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Halloween Havoc: ZOMBIE: THE RESURRECTION (1998)

Welcome to our fourth annual Halloween Havoc blowout.  Believe it or not, this is the longest running theme on our blog, thanks mostly to it looseness in rules.  Throughout the entire month of October we’ll set our sights on the spooky and the splatter with an emphasis on obscurity.  What the world doesn’t need is another review of HALLOWEEN (1978) or FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980); what it does need are reviews of films so incomprehensible that they make you question all of your life choices. So I’m kicking the entries off in style with something I boldly proclaim will easily be the worst thing reviewed this month.  That is, unless, Tom decides he suddenly needs to watch an Eli Roth movie.

At one point in the early 1990s, Germany seemed like it was going to be the future of horror.  Jörg Buttgereit was wowing fans with NEKROMANTIK; Andreas Schnaas was earning a reputation for his shot-on-video VIOLENT SHIT series; and Olaf Ittenbach was showing off his FX wares in stuff like BLACK PAST and THE BURNING MOON. Unfortunately, this revolution encouraged every German with access to a video camera and a gallon of fake blood to throw their Tyrolean into the ring.  The end results were something like ZOMBIE: THE RESURRECTION, a shot-on-video movie so bad that I completely blocked it from my memory.  That bad news?  Since I couldn’t remember it, I decided to watch it again. Damn you, Herr Alzheimer!

The “film” opens with text over a destroyed city talking about how war broke out in 2015.  A big ass bomb called “Final Destroy” was used and it somehow resurrected the dead. Nice job not living up to your name, Mr. Bomb.  We open with a guy in a green biohazard suit telling a couple to run for their lives in the woods (yes, the green trees are a flourishin’ despite nuclear war).  The biohazard guy is then bitten by a black zombie that looks like Grace Jones on a bender.  The undead eater chomps on him for a few minutes in a scene that goes on and on and on before he shoots the damn thing. We then cut to a group of folks (led by writer/producer/co-director Holger Breiner) also in bio-suits who are running around a dilapidated house looking for survivors.  They find two women and rescue them.  Naturally, someone has to get bit and a few guys go down in the ensuing chaos.  This means more scenes of screaming and blood spurting that goes on and on and on.

More onscreen text informs us that the year is now 2017 and some survivors have made it to safety in the woods.  We then meet Jill (Tanja Reiter), who is swimming nude in the lake.  I guess she was one of the rescued ladies (connecting dots isn’t the filmmakers strong suit) and we see a zombie in white boxer shorts creeping up to her.  Oh, by the way, this is when the title of the film finally comes up.  Yes, the film’s title appears at roughly the 18 and a half minute mark…in a film that runs 55 minutes.  Anyway, she apparently survives (we never see what happens to that zombie approaching her) as she is shacked up in a bunker with Steve (Oliver van Balen), Joe and Anne.  Steve, looking like a bloated Rutger Hauer, decides to head out to a nearby Air Force radio tower to see if he can contact other survivors.  We then get a scene where some random dude is attacked by five zombies and killed.  Yeah, we’ll be getting lots of RDs (random dudes) and random zombies in this one. Back at the bunker, Joe and Anne have sex. Back in the woods, two more RDs get attacked by zombies.  Back at the bunker, Joe gets a survivalist-style shower while Jill complains of their soup which contains snakes and rats. Back in the woods, Steve reaches the communications tower, but we never know what happens as we don’t see him go into it.  Back at the bunker, zombies attack and Joe is killed. Jill and Anne run off and then Anne gets killed.  Some more RDs get killed as well.  Jill gets cornered by some zombies, but is saved by Steve in the nick of zeit.  They walk off hand-in-hand but get confronted by a…wait for it…random zombie. We freeze on their shocked faces. The end!

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DUD:

Knowing that I own this video will give you a peek into just how bad my video habit was at one time.  Yes, there was a point in my life when I saw a listing for a SOV German zombie film that runs less than an hour with no subtitles and I immediately thought, “Gee, I should really check this out.” To add insult to injury, I purchased this from Video Search of Miami back in the day when I paid to be a member to have the “privilege” to order a VHS dupe for $25.  Now to add salt and lemon juice to that injury, the bootleg even had the VCR timer left on (see pics).  Ah, quality.  ZOMBIE: THE RESURRECTION is a torturous affair.  Officially ending at the 50 minute mark (with 5 minutes of credits to pad it to still non-feature length), it seemed like it went on for days even when using the film enhancement button (fast forward) during the laborious zombie attacks.  Co-directors Breiner and Torsten Lakomy have no idea on how to even stage a clever zombie attack.  If you should watch this (please don’t, I beg you) notice in the end attacks how the two women will run into the frame, only to be surprised by zombies popping up in front of them.  Now, I’m no Hitchcock, but wouldn’t screen logic dictate the women would see those zombies on the ground in front of them?  On a technical level, it is a nightmare with terrible camerawork and hissing audio.  Even if my German is rustier than the metal bookshelves in Hitler’s bunker, I still had trouble understanding what characters were saying due to the horrible audio on here.  Truth be told, I’m sure you and your friends have made films very similar to this where you run around the woods and have people attacked.  The only difference is you had to the good sense not to release your weekend exploits commercially.  Believe it or not, this actually got released on DVD in the last few years in an edition limited to 666 copies.  It is now out-of-print.  Consider yourself lucky.

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Happy Birthday Reggie Bannister!

Just a quick shout out to the baddest ice-cream man to ever walk in a parallel dimension! Reggie Bannister was, is and always will be one of our favorite actors, and one of the nicest guys (I think I can speak for Will here) we've ever met. Swing by his Facebook page and wish him a balls-out birthday! (as Will would say "ah, boo yourself!").

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Defective Detectives: FRENCH QUARTER UNDERCOVER (1986)

A few weeks back, Tom reviewed a film called JACK TILLMAN: THE SURVIVALIST (1987) that featured Steve Railsback as the titular character. Tillman wasn’t a “shoot first, ask questions later” type of guy; he was more of a “shoot first, ask no questions” bloke.  If Tillman were real, I could totally see him back in the mid-80s stockpiling up on VHS tapes at his local video store. After wearing out copies of RED DAWN (1984) and INVASION U.S.A. (1985), Tillman would be forced to venture into the lesser known titles and there he would find FRENCH QUARTER UNDERCOVER (1986). While at first reluctant to touch anything with the word “French” in the title, the cover art of men firing guns at each other would draw him in.  Sitting down in his bunker for some rations by candlelight, he’d pop the tape in and be pleasantly surprised to find this tale of a couple of tough guy New Orleans cops who make Dirty Harry look clean.

FRENCH QUARTER UNDERCOVER opens with a text scrawl talking about how since 1967 terrorists have been dead set on destroying free societies.  Since 1980, their main goal has been to target America.  We then get case files on three Cuban terrorists – Alfredo Senta, Guilliermo Cartena, and Raul Sanchez.  Not only do they have fear inducing foreign names, but they have also been trained by the Russians and are all heading for Louisiana.  I can hear Tillman mutter “Russkie pukes” under his Spam-flavored breath.  We then meet our two heroes: Detectives Andre Des Moines (Michael Parks) and R.J. Wilkerson (Bill Holliday, who also wrote this).  The back of the VHS box actually gives us more info on these two than the actual film, stating they are boyhood friends and partners for 20 years.  It is this type of close camaraderie that results in them killing 3 bad guys (in two unrelated incidents) in their first 5 minutes they are onscreen.  “A couple of standup guys,” Tillman would say.

Naturally, such recklessness on the job gets them in hot water with the higher ups.  But who cares after they are contacted by the F.B.I. in order to help sniff out the three terrorists. Yes, a Government organization with tens of thousands of people is no match for the hard-fisted skills of Des Moines and Wilkerson.  During a briefing, they are told that not only was Sanchez trained in chemical warfare, but he also rapes young boys.  Jeez, could they paint him any more the villain?  It turns out that the plan of the terrorists is to poison the water supply and they aim to do it at the World’s Fair, which is being held in town.  Also on the case is Kevin Fisher (Dov Fahrer), a local newspaper reporter who can’t get his editor to believe him about this story. “Buncha red tape bureaucrat bastards,” Tillman would mutter.

"Don't you worry, Jellyroll. 

We'll find the guy who stole your chin."

Our two cops are on the case and this involves them walking around a lot and talking to a hotdog vendor named Jellyroll (Michael Tedesco).  Detective work is actually immaterial to their investigation as the villains just fall into their laps. They spot Senta walking down the street and shoot him in broad daylight (in front of a group of school kids, no less). Later they get even luckier as they just happen to be in a restaurant that Cartena comes in and shoots up.  What are the chances? They chase him and it makes way for a car chase where Jellyroll is the only innocent bystander.  Again, what are the chances?  Jelly Roll does live up to his name though by proving to be round and full of sticky red stuff. Anyway, two down, one to go. Catching Sanchez actually involves detective work though as they track down a trick that he roughed up a few nights previous.  They find the guy, beat him up and then dump garbage on him.  Nice.  They hit Sanchez’s hotel room and – gosh darn it – he’s already headed to the World’s Fair.  We know this because they find a pamphlet for the cable car system there. Our two heroes rush down there, commandeer a helicopter and rush to save the world.  “I can’t handle this suspense, I hope they succeed,” says sweaty palmed Tillman on the edge of his seat.

“Five stars! Two thumbs up!” Tillman would scream about this film with the same joy as if he just got a new M-16. Yes, FRENCH QUARTER UNDERCOVER would make any paranoid gun lover quiver with delight. Des Moines and Wilkerson are two tough bastards from the Dirty Harry mold alright, always busy punching the answers out of their suspects.  These dudes are so hardcore that they don’t even have time for “make my day” style quips.  It is a relationship so close that it lends credibility to the homosexual overtones that some film scholars have applied to the buddy cop subgenre.  Hell, it is even overt during one scene where they question a guy who runs a gay bar (naturally, played in prissy fashion). The owner keeps calling Des Moines “blue eyes” and when they leave he says if he ever switches teams sexually to give him a call.  I kid you not, Wilkerson replies, “If he decides to switch, I’m first!”  What!?!  I’m not sure Holliday knew what he was writing when he penned that line.

It’s not hard to tell that FRENCH QUARTER UNDERCOVER had some trouble in post-production.  The film centers on events that took place in 1984, yet it didn’t see release until 1986. And the Fisher reporter character (among others) is brought in to talk documentary-style to the camera to explain just what is going on (the actor has a totally different look during those scenes).  One reason might be the death of Holliday. According to Variety, the film finished shooting under director Joe Catalanotto, who previously directed Holliday in TERROR IN THE SWAMP (1985), in late October 1984. Two weeks later, Holliday was dead from a heart attack on November 13, 1984. Damn, you know a movie is bad when you die after making it.  Did he see some of the dailies? Seriously, I shouldn’t joke because Holliday seemed committed to the project.  But you have to wonder if all of his exertion (lots of running) led to his early demise.  Anyway, by the time it hit video shelves, the film had a new co-director listed in one Patrick Poole.

The film also had other problems.  It created a stir when a supporting player was wounded in the face by a shotgun blast using blanks.  Again, according to Variety, this incident along with the unrelated death of actor Jon-Erik Hexum on the show COVER-UP (1984) led to serious overhaul in safety management regarding prop guns (apparently it didn’t work given what happened to Brandon Lee nearly a decade later). Additionally, some police officers who moonlighted on this film (while on duty!) were charged with payroll fraud.  Wow, can you imagine that conversation in jail? Murderer: “What are you in for?” Cop: “Working on FRENCH QUARTER UNDERCOVER.” Murderer: “Guards, keep this dude away from me! I can't be associating with such scum in here.”

As it stands, FRENCH QUARTER UNDERCOVER is only recommended if you want to see some archival footage of the World’s Fair in New Orleans and a cheap car chase through the French Quarter.  Or if you just want to see law breaking cops beat and shoot people for 80 minutes.  “Sign me up,” Tillman says.

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Double Shot: GOLDEN GATE MURDERS (1979) & MACHO CALLAHAN (1970)

A rare peek into the VJ crib

You know that saying, "there's no fan like a new fan?" Oh yeah, probably not, I just made it up. You know how those new horror fans are, don't ya? Every new horror movie is just awesome and they consider themselves "horror movie experts" because they've seen almost all of the FRIDAY THE 13th films and have a home-made Freddy Kruger glove.

I've seen David Janssen in a few things here and there over the years, but I never really took much notice until recently when Will got me to track down a copy of THE GOLDEN GATE MURDERS, a film that proper Janssen fans probably have on a shelf behind a box of stale crackers, underneath that jar of unlabeled homemade red-pepper jam that was given to them as a gift from a relative that they still haven't found a use for. For me it was a revelation. Not only was Janssen looking old enough to be as crusty and cranky as he acted, but it reinforces my time honored idiom: You can't make a bad movie in San Francisco. It's just not possible. Don't argue! Can't be done! (prior to 1990)

Anyway, here are a couple of the Janssen films I've enjoyed during my new-found fanship (that's a word!). ...and yes, that is Will (a Janssen fan since he was old enough to pee standing) facepalming in the corner. Don't mind him, he'll get over it.

THE GOLDEN GATE MURDERS (1979): One short year before his untimely death, CBS pulled in the hard working and hard living TV favorite David Janssen to play a crusty San Francisco Detective in this TV movie movie that defies all odds. A group of priests and nuns (including Kenneth Tigar of PHATASM II fame) arrive in SF only to find that Father John Thomas (*snicker*) has a keen fascination with the Golden Gate Bridge. As they are driving into the city, he insists on stopping on the surprisingly traffic and wind-free bridge so he can walk across. For some unseen reason Father Thomas plummets to his death over the side. The coroner rules it a suicide, but Sister Benecia (Susannah York) is convinced that it wasn't. The cops sort of look into it, but decide to close the case. Our perky penguin ain't havin' it and pesters the SFPD so much that they decide to give her their loose-cannon trouble-maker Detective Silver (Janssen) so that she will give up and go back to her nunnery. They figure if anyone can alienate her, he can! As you can easily predict, their partnership is a grudging one of stumbling over clues and knee-jerk leaps of non-logic (the guy who is in an asylum must be the killer... because he's crazy! No thanks to his overtly agressive doctor). After a bit their relationship warms to the point where Silver shows his affection for Benecia and introduces her to the city by sharing massive platters of bagels and lox and teaching her how to make a sandwich out of them. Bagels. In San Francisco!

First off SF is infamous for having slim to none by way of proper Jewish delis (David's has been down on Geary since the dawn of time and is not just an atrocious excuse for a Jewish deli, but for any sort of eating establishment), secondly SF is quite famous for it's oysters and what are oysters famous for? Yes, exactly! How this escaped the writer's feeble grasp I'll never know. I'm guessing CBS' head offices in NY hired a local writer who had clearly never been to SF. As it turned out very little of the cast did either, as much of the movie is interiors or hilariously cramped sets dressed up to look like 10' sections of the bridge. That said, they do shoot the leads on location at a couple of landmarks including Coit Tower and the Japanese Tea Garden.

David Janssen turns on the romance!

The movie has so many wonderfully odd little bits, from scenes that are funny (though somewhat sad) such as a bit with Janssen discussing possible causes of the priests death while appearing to be completely hammered, to the coroner's steadfast refusal to see the most obvious clues and connections to similar deaths. Other great moments include some references to Detective Silver's cat "Dirty Harry", and the a romantic encounter in the commissary section of an airliner that involves handcuffs and a nun's habit!
Directed by Walter Grauman, also responsible for "Crowhaven Farm" (1970) and scores of episodes of "The Streets of San Francisco" and "Barnaby Jones", and written by first time TV writer David Kinghorn, the movie meanders all over the place, but mostly building the relationship between Detective Silver and Sister Benecia only occasionally remembering that there is a possible murder to perhaps solve. Even so, as Will said, this is a movie that is "a lot better than it has any right to be."

MACHO CALLAHAN (1970): I'll be honest I do enjoy the occasional "clean" western starring, the even less imitable as the years go on, John Wayne, but what I really love are Westerns that de-glamorize the genre. In the early '60s westerns were still pretty clean affairs with good guys and the bad guys, a woman to fight over and righteousness to prevail. By the early '70s assassination, war and corruption had permanently altered the idealism of the public and nowhere was that reflected more than in the western.

Opening with what is quite possibly one of the most gritty, nasty visions of prison hell ever to be portrayed in a western, Janssen here plays Diego "Macho" Callahan, a gunslingin' criminal who was incarcerated, not for killin' or stealin', but for refusing to join the confederate army. After a violent escape, Callahan finds himself in his home town with his partner Juan (Pedro Armendáriz Jr.) setting up a plan to hunt down the yellow-shod sleazebag who turned him in (Lee J. Cobb). While in the process of doing that, he cruelly guns down a newly wed soldier (David Carradine) who lost an arm in the war, over a bottle of champagne. While the law considered it a fair fight, the soldier's widow (Jean Seberg) does not and places a massive bounty on Callahan's head. Add in the fact that the army wants to nail his ass for breaking out of prison, and suddenly everyone wants Callahan's hide.

This may seem like a simple enough premise for a western, but it is surprisingly complex. Every time I though I had the movie figured out and I knew where it was going, I found myself clinging on by my fingertips as the movie takes a sharp left turn at 40 miles an hour (hey, that's fast! A horse can only manage about 15 mph). In addition to all of the switchbacks in the plot, the movie features a fantastic cast, including James Booth as a deadly dandy, Bo Hopkins as smitten kid who is itchin' to get dead, plus Richard Anderson, Diane Ladd and Matt Clark in bit parts. Of whom, absolutely none are at all likable. Callahan's world is populated entirely by selfish, cruel and dangerous people covered in filth and blood. John Ford this ain't. In spite of the fact that the character's are unlikable, I never hated them and they never annoyed me. They aren't unlikable in an irritating, over-played way, like so many generic horror films these days. Also unlike modern films, you can actually see these bastards thinking about how to be bastards. The scene where Callahan confronts Duffy (Lee J. Cobb) in the middle of a crowd during a horse-shoe championship is verging on brilliant. They both talk around the subject but you can see Callahan's gears grinding and Duffy slowly realizing that he is caught like a rat in a trap. The subtleness of scenes like these and little interesting character touches are an excellent counterpoint to the nastiness of the film over all.

Many have criticized the rather abrupt change in tone in the final act, and whether that was studio intervention to make him someone the audience could root for in the end or maybe the screenwriter's intent to finally soften Callahan to allow him to have grown as a human by the conclusion, I'm not sure. It is pretty jolting and arguably the film's only real misstep. Also jolting is how Seberg's volatile character seems to mirror (though presumably exaggerated) her real life issues with men, or at least her claims of violent clashes with her lovers and husbands. The scene where she tries to kill Callahan with a poker leading to a brutal and bloody fight in a small cabin is so intense even by today's standards, it must have been utterly shocking back in 1970.

If you are looking for chest-thumping heroics and simple icons of justice and might, you are in the wrong territory amigo. However, if you dig the subversive, cynical and complex westerns of the revisionist era with a great American cast, this is your ticket to ride shotgun.

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