This Bud's for You: EXTRA LARGE: DIAMONDS (1993)

We've been on a rough streak with some less than stellar outings that have not only missed the boat, but slept through the wake-up call. Stories that tried to make Jack Costello everything but a Bud Spencer character. Today that all changes. Suddenly I've discovered what the Winter of our discontent was made glorious by... "Diamonds"! Shirley Bassey was right. They are, in fact, all I need to please me.

A money laundering agent for the Cuban mafia, Edward Pestor (Roger Pretto), decides he wants out of the life that has made him wealthy and take his daughter to live in Europe. In order to achieve this goal, he takes a massive cashe of uncut diamonds that were supposed to be exchanged for dirty money and decides to keep them, sending them back to the syndicate one by one every year that he's alive. Needless to say, the syndicate thinks this is a pretty lousy deal.

Meanwhile Dumas feels he is unappreciated by Costello and decides to go into the P.I. biz on his own, renting the apartment across from Jack's and even hiring a hot secretary (Jill Whitlow of the 1986 classic NIGHT OF THE CREEPS). He even sets up several signs advertising this fact including a giant "Dumas and Dumas" sign that covers the front of the building.

While making his plans, Pestor puts all the diamonds in a case and keeps it in the bank with the instructions that if he is to die, the diamonds are to be given to charity (who will then presumably all be arrested for receiving stolen goods). His brilliant plan, which included him telling everyone in the syndicate his brilliant plan, goes wildly awry when a group of incompetent bank robbers (disguised as Bush, Gorbachev and Castro) pick the wrong day to hold up the bank. The shipment of cash has just gone out and the only thing in the safe is Pestor's case of diamonds. On the way out, they take Dumas as a hostage and discover his newly minted detective agency card.

Suddenly the robbers find out that their multi-million dollar pay day is a death sentence as both the cops and the mob want that case and the local fence (Buffy Dee of classics like MURPH THE SURF and NIGHTMARE BEACH) won't touch it with a ten-inch magnum.

Things get even more complicated when Pestor tries to hire Jack to find his case that has "sentimental value" and the robbers decide to put the case in Dumas' unwitting hands with a phony story that it's an inheritance for one Washington Brown. Naturally Dumas (or as the robbers accidentally call him "Dum-ass") finds a Washington Brown, leading to another genuinely funny subplot with an elderly janitor who flips his boss the bird on his way out.

I am honestly flabbergasted that this was made by the same people who were responsible for the previous drudgery. "Al" Capone hasn't shown a lick of flair in the direction department and Rosario Galli wrote the one of the worst things I've ever seen Bud Spencer appear in (aside from maybe the 1991 agonizing Christian propaganda kiddie flick SPEAKING OF THE DEVIL). Since there are four credited writers, aside from Galli, including Claudio Bonivento (normally a producer), Giuseppe Pedersoli (who doesn't seem to understand what makes his old man famous) and Bud Spencer himself, I can only come up with one conclusion. That Spencer burst into the writing room and bashed them all on the head with a fistful of Donald E. Westlake novels and locked Galli in the closet.

As evidence of this drastic turn, there are even jokes that are scripted to make use of Michael Winslow's talents! You'd think this would be a given, but not until now have they had that V-8 moment. In scene we have a bit in which he talks to his secretary via an intercom. The camera cuts to a wide shot to show the two a stone's throw away with Winslow disguising his voice to sound like an intercom. It is one of the many quick, funny gags that should have been the hallmark of this second series and hasn't been up till now. Matter of fact this is so far the only episode to allow Winslow to do much of anything and he actually is quite funny in the scenes that he's in. His little rivalry with Jack is an entertaining showcase for his none-too-subtle shtick and matching wardrobe.

In addition to the script hitting the nail on the head, someone seems to have injected some life into Capone as well. He shows some excellent, creative shot composition and shoots the action scenes at the correct angles so you can actually see the action! Sounds simple, but it's been a hard lesson for Al. Even the editing is excellently maneuvered. Larger scenes are broken up with cut-aways to funny little gags. For instance while the robbers are fleeing the cops in an armored car, we have a cut away to Costello coming home with a bag of groceries and casually squirting ketchup over is shoulder all of a "Dumas and Dumas" sign.

Not only that, but the lack of stars has been rectified here with a plethora of great character actors in addition to the aforementioned Jill Whitlow and Buffy Dee, we have Glenn Scherer (of Bill Rebane's 1975 RANA: THE LEGEND OF SHADOW LAKE), stuntman Dennis Deveaugh as a thug who doesn't like children, Ulrich Mühe (of pretty much every movie ever made in Germany), Alfie Wise (from damn near every Burt Reynolds movie of the '70s and '80s) and Luke Halpin (of 1977s SHOCKWAVES and star of the iconic 1964 show "Flipper"). Did I miss anyone? I'm sure I did, but don't hold it against me, there is only so much awesomeness that I can absorb in one sitting. I'm a man, flesh and blood!

Hopefully we've crested the hump and can look forward to the final two hotly anticipated final episodes being even half as much fun as this one. I mean, you can't go wrong with Ninjas and CHiPs, which incidentally is my new favorite bar snack.

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This Bud's for You: EXTRA LARGE: CONDOR MISSION (1993)

“It appears the producers took their down time between seasons to evaluate what their target audience really wanted out of a Bud Spencer TV series – namely action and comedy.” – William S. Wilson, Feb. 17, 2014

Ah, the good old days of enthusiasm, naiveté, and youth.  A lot can change in 5 days.  Did I say that the producers of the EXTRA LARGE series had figured out the formula for a Bud Spencer TV series?  I was just fooling myself, it seems.  To be honest, the signs were all there.  Why, for example, was almost 90% of the action featured in the opening credits from the “Lord of the Sun” episode?  I didn’t want to admit that they might do this to me again.  But after they buried my heart at Wounded Knee-to-the-groin with the “Indians” episode, I knew I had to be on my toes.  The bad news?  They decided to step on them.

Every serious detective TV series has to have a certain number of staple episodes.  The most commonly seen one is the variation of “someone from our main character’s past comes back” plot.  Just how did our lead become so angry/bitter/caustic/deadened etc. and how did they reach this point in their life?  Not only is it seemingly a detective series requirement, but it also is the perfect avenue to open the character up a bit.  “Condor Mission” is our peek into the past of Jack “Extralarge” Costello.  The episode kicks off with Jack and Dumas the 2nd enjoying a relaxing day of fishing.  This is interrupted by a helicopter whose crew informs Jack that Lt. Bosely has been looking for him.  Why?  Some “VIPs from Washington” are looking for him.

Me finding out I didn't have to review the “Indians” episode:

Turns out that Jack’s old D.E.A. pal Col. Kurt Olsen (Klaus Peter Thiele) wants to recruit him for a mission.  In one of the series’ more emotional lines, Jack comments that since they last worked together that he is now “about 70 pounds heavier and a century older.”  Damn, hanging out with Maria and double Dumas sure takes its toll.  Olsen entices Jack with the lure of not only a $1 million dollar payday, but also the prospect of settling an old score. You see, 12 years ago Jack lost a partner while working against drug lord Rosario Partega (Ray Datz) in Cartagena, Colombia.  Not only did he lose his friend, but the agent’s wife went insane after finding out and Jack took that hard (as evidenced by flashbacks in black-and-white).  Man, Jack versus drug dealers in the jungle?  This is gonna be good…I think...I hope.

Jack opts to go it alone, much to the dismay of Dumas and Maria, who thinks he is seeing another woman.  He begins assembling his team of old pals by heading to a homeless encampment under a bridge and getting into a fight with Indian (special guest star Sonny Landham).  Apparently friends who haven’t seen each other always have a fist fight to catch up.  Also, it is apparently cool to let your old friends be homeless when you don't have a mission for them. Indian is pretty easy to persuade though as Jack just says, “You got a job now. $10,000 a day. Let’s go.”  The other team members include Frank (Jimmy Rogers), who just shows up randomly in Jack’s apartment, and Joe (Norman Maxwell), a bomb expert who Jack smuggles out of jail in a suitcase after greasing some palms.  The men settle down in a hotel suite to go over their plans when that pesky Dumas shows up like an overly attached puppy. Figuring he can’t get rid of him, Jack allows him to join the team and soon they are off to locate Ortega’s base of operations.  It is pretty easy actually as they put a gun to Ortega’s son’s neck and say, “Where is he?”

Soon this force of five is heading into the jungle under the guise of being Yale archaeologists.  They establish this by wearing khakis and bringing along microscopes.  Along the way they befriend Don Felipe (Ramon Cuevas), a priest who is delivering supplies to a nearby village.  When they discover the villagers killed by Partega’s men, it becomes even more personal (even though none of these guys knew these villagers).  It just establishes these are bad dudes.  Jack and his team commandeer a helicopter and soon they are flying to Partega’s headquarters (aka the biggest abandoned factory the production company could find).  Partega must have been paying on the cheap for his men as Jack and his guys stand outside the fence, lined up with guns drawn and not arouse any suspicion. Naturally, this results in a lot of explosions.

Following up “Indians” – the EXTRA LARGE episode Tom and I unanimously agree is the worst (so far) – may have been a blessing in disguise for this entry.  While this one might not live up to expectations, it was no “Indians.”  In fact, during a rather slow middle half, I kept repeating to myself, “At least it is not ‘Indians’…at least it is not ‘Indians.’”  To be honest, the biggest thrill I got from this episode was seeing Sonny Landham show up as the special guest star.  And what a showcase it was for the versatile actor.  Tom said it best: “It was nice to see Landham stretch his acting legs with the unique role of an American Indian with a rough demeanor who frequently wears army fatigues and cowboy hats.”  At the same time, the casting of Landham made me think of what a missed opportunity the rest of Jack’s team was.  I was hoping for some more washed up ‘80s actors or maybe some Italian staples.  Sadly, we got neither and were left with two regular guys who made as much emotional impact as the surprise twist at the end of the film. Yes, I’m sure you can figure it out from just reading my plot breakdown. It’s dumb and pedestrian, but then again we are dealing with a script where Jack finds out he was betrayed because Partega just happens to have a framed picture of himself and the traitor in his office. Yes, because drug czars love their turncoat BFFs enough to frame pictures of them.

“Condor Mission” (readers note: that title should be sung to the CONDORMAN theme) ends up playing more like an episode of THE A-TEAM, but with a more violent streak (spoiler: everyone on the team except Jack and Dumas gets shot to death). That is essentially the biggest issue with this episode – this could literally be any old TV show.  You could switch in any TV character from Kojak to Robocop and still get the same result. The one thing it isn’t is uniquely Bud Spencer.  Hell, he uses an Uzi instead of bopping villains on the head.  As Tom pointed out in our post-viewing summit, it is odd that Spencer’s son, Giuseppe Pedersoli, co-wrote this episode (in addition to co-producing the entire series) but seems to have no idea what makes his father popular among his film fans worldwide.  They don’t want to see him acting like Arnold; they want to see him acting like Bud.  So, yes, the aforementioned notion that I opened the review with that the producers had solidified the EXTRA LARGE foundation is not true and we're on shaky ground episode to episode.

That isn’t to say this is a terrible entry.  It has its moments and it is nice to get some background on the Costello character.  And, most importantly, it wasn’t “Indians” and actually delivered some good action scenes (including what may be the biggest explosion in EXTRA LARGE history).  So I can be thankful that it wasn’t “Indians.”  Now stay tuned for Tom’s review of the next episode “Diamonds,” which is co-written by Rosario Galli, who wrote “Indians.”  Haha, I win!   PS: Did I mention this was better than “Indians” yet?

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This Bud's for You: EXTRA LARGE: INDIANS (1993)

Now is the winter of our... oh wait, I used that line already. Yes, Christmas has come again to Miami proving with absolute certainty that we have no freakin' clue what order these episodes are in. It's not for a lack of looking that's for sure. Every single source we could find lists the episodes of both seasons in a different order. I can understand the Italians not getting it right ("eetsa buncha episodes, wadda ya want?"), but the Germans unable to keep things in order? What sort of ghastly thing could this lead to? A bit of trash on the street? A random unmown lawn? One shudders to think.

Not only is it Christmas, as evidenced by the radio playing yuletide tunes and Maria's Pomeranian now endowed with fuzzy antlers, but it's time for another birthday too! Dumas is wrapped up in conning a waifish model to pose for him in his bed while he paints her in cubist form. Suddenly Little Tyson calls him saying that he has a gun at his head and needs help quick. Turns out LT's plight is a Christmas birthday, but Jack being the awesome dude that he is, has a party for him complete with a cowboys and Indians theme. Unfortunately for Dumas II, Jack and LT have rigged the apartment with booby traps including an electrified door knob! Nothing says "funny" like "electrocution". Why am I telling you about this bit which has nothing to do with the rest of the episode? Because this is the best segment we are going to get. I can't believe we complained about "Cannonball" and "Black Magic".

The Mafia is not happy with taking their lumps in Atlantic City and are looking for a new venue for their law-scoffing pursuits. They've been trying to make headway into Miami but are continually being stymied by housewives and pensioners known as "baptists." I guess they don't have to feel so bad for losing out to Charles Bronson, Christopher Lambert and Ray Stevenson anymore. Hell, even Thomas Jane is a more worthy adversary than someone's mom in a floral print dress. In order to circumvent this issue, the surprisingly Teutonic president of the South Corporation and Mafioso, Clemente (the prolific Nikolas Lansky), has a plan to steal American Indian land and turn it into a mecca of gambling, prostitution and drug dealing. A Las Vegas of the South, if you will.

The only dirt in the Mafia's chamber is the big Indian Chief Thomas (Mark Madrid), who is sadly gifted with a soprano's voice and a demeanor that should lead to him having the Indian name Chief Slothful Field Mouse. This guy talks about the plight of the Native American, but is so high-pitched, whiny and generally sluggish that when he gets killed by a Mafia-paid dirty cop (Tony Bolano), it's more of a relief than anything else. Right before Thomas is killed he tries to get in contact with Jack who is too busy blowing the sax at his new favorite bar, Harry's Place (what was wrong with The Blue Monkey, I ask you?). I'm guessing Jack is not going to take this well.

Of course Thomas is an old friend and Jack knows for damn sure that Thomas isn't the violent type and he must uncover the truth, with or without the help of the cops. If you've seen any of these, you know it will be with the help of the cops in the end. Even though Jack has never been wrong before, Sam never seems to think he will ever be right again. Some friend.

This episode could have been an action-packed episode in which Jack and Dumas II take on the mob with fights and car-stunts galore. It could have done all that and carried a positive message about American Indians at the same time. Instead, writer Rosario Galli (who, thankfully, was only allowed to write this one episode solo) opts for a very long-winded, dramatic outing in which we get heavy-handed sub-plots including one about a Native American newswoman Laura (Cynthia Mallick) who is covering what appears to be a solid story about a corporate attempt to take over Indian lands. I say "appears to be" because nobody else at the station thinks it is remotely newsworthy. In addition to her producer telling her it's a complete waste of time before hitting on her, her boss has finally had enough and fires her after she attends Thomas' funeral and is accosted by South Corp's thugs. I kind of wonder if this some sort of meta-statement from Galli about the political games that no doubt take occur in the TV station workplace. On the other hand, if it is sort of an autobiographical catharsis for him, I think I might be on the side of the station manager because this script is awful. Not just awful, but embarrassingly bad.

First off Galli seems to want to re-invent Extralarge as some sort of grim angel of vengeance ala THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS (1987). After a decade of hambone Bond outings, this was a welcome change. It's not for Bud. Why embarrassing? Wait till you get to the scene where Dumas II brings in a pair of clothing designers to make Jack a new tux for the Governor's party. These guys are so flamboyant that they make Siegfried and Roy seem like icons of butch machismo.

To be fair, I can't lay all of the blame at Galli's feet (just most of it). Even though he has discarded all of the throw-away gags, minimized recurring characters and skipped potential action sequences, director Capone is guilty of incredibly flat, perfunctory TV-style direction.

The two fight scenes that we get, one versus truckers in a bar, the other versus mobsters in a warehouse, are shot almost entirely with medium and close-up shots. Granted, I'm not expecting some old HK-style fight scenes where everything is a master shot so the audience can marvel at the incredibly complex choreography, this is an Italian Bud Spencer TV movie we're talking about after all. However, the scene where Jack fights off a group of truckers, he does so with half a pool cue in each hand. We never actually see both sticks in one shot, but the fact that he has two seems to be implied by the editing. Even the scene where Jack throws Thomas' killer through a buffet line (yes, that made me wince) is shot an angle where you can't actually see the stunt, just the food flying off the table. That's two fouls in one! You know how much time and effort it takes to set up a buffet? Why take out your frustrations on the caterer? They're just trying to serve food man! Plus, they've changed the title from "Detective Extralarge" to "Extra Large". Why? Perhaps to appeal to English speaking audiences who don't want to have to deal with too many extra syllables. Non bene, non bene.

On the plus side there are a few amusing moments to be found. Of course when you are desperate, it doesn't take much. When the reporter comes over to Jack's apartment after being fired from the TV station for covering news, she makes Jack and Dumas II an "ancient indian recipe" which includes a bottle of Mrs. Dash clearly visible on the counter. Damn white man will never know the difference! Also Clemente threatens Jack by telling him "there's someone who would like to cancel your name from the telephone book!" Rule number one when threatening to kill someone in a foreign language: Never use Google Translate.

If I had never seen a Bud Spencer movie and someone told me to start here, I would never speak to them again. This series can only get better from here.

Nice of the bad guys to print up their evil plan in a presentation binder.

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This Bud's for You: EXTRA LARGE: LORD OF THE SUN (1993)

As Bon Jovi would say, “Ooooooh, we’re halfway there.”  Six episodes down and six episodes to go. With season one coming to a less-than-explosive climax for us with the episodes “Cannonball” and “Black Magic” thumping us over the head like Bud Spencer himself, it seems as if we could only enter season two of DETECTIVE EXTRALARGE (now titled simply EXTRA LARGE) with optimism as we knew changes were in store.  Seriously, see if you can spot the difference:

Yes, Bud Spencer has a new partner in his heavy shadow in the form of POLICE ACADEMY alumni Michael Winslow (more on that in a minute).  It appears the producers took their down time between seasons to evaluate what their target audience really wanted out of a Bud Spencer TV series – namely action and comedy.  With the season opener “Lord of the Sun” they delivered plenty of both as we begin Jack Costello’s new adventures.

Following an action packed opening credits, we see “Extralarge” (Bud Spencer, of course) drive up to his apartment, which is not the same palatial place he was living before.  This is strange because he has the same landlord in Maria Martinez (the returning Vivian Ruiz), who informs Jack someone has been waiting in his office for a long time.  He enters his new digs (which look a lot like his old place, but slightly restyled) to find a young dude jamming to some music blasting out of his boom box. This mystery guest greets our beloved inspector as “Uncle Jack” and introduces himself as Archibald Baxter (Michael Winslow).  Seems he is the grown up son of Jack’s old buddy Bob Baxter, a DEA agent who recently died in drug sting.  Archibald hands Jack a letter from his dad that asks Costello to take this kid, who always wanted to be a detective, under his wing. Costello agrees with one exception – he wants to call his new apprentice “Dumas” after his friend who now resides in France. *Readers now insert mental image of an Italian writer dusting off his hands in a “that’s that” motion.*

With the principals established, it is time to get the plot in motion.  We cut to the Miami airport where Professor Tien Foo (Bob Lem) is arriving for an energy conference.  While attempting to disembark, Foo is taken for a fool as he is knocked out and switched with an exact double. The doppelganger hops into a white limousine and heads into town for whatever nefarious plans.  What the folks behind this switcheroo didn’t count on were a couple of Chinese guys in a Trans Am with a rocket launcher.  Yes, a rocket launcher.  They send the limo sky high on the freeway in a stunt that would make Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi high five.

As one would expect, all four occupants are killed…or so we think.  Meanwhile, Jack is tricking Maria, who now also owns a bar, into coming back to his place for a surprise birthday party.  While everyone is preparing to chow down on some cake, Maria casually says she can’t believe she is celebrating her birthday with the cop that arrested her ten years ago. Whoa! Fifteen minutes in and we’re already getting more exposition into the Extralarge/Maria relationship than in the entire first season.  I totally bet he arrested her for jaywalking.  Jack hates rule breakers.  Anyway, we are never privy to her exact charges (damn it, now I have to write fanfic) because Jack and Dumas 2.0 are torn away from the party and cake to meet up with Lee (Susan Byun), the niece of the professor who is not convinced of his death.  You see, when she went to identify his body at the morgue, she noticed the corpse didn’t have a tattoo that her uncle had. Damn, Prof. Foo is a freak!  Anyway, she wants to hire Jack to see if her suspicions are correct.

It seems she might be onto something. The next day at scene of the limo wreck Jack and Dumas are denied entrance by Lt. Martin (a dude carried over from the “Cannonball” episode). Later Jack is visited by Gen. Harrison from the Pentagon, who in turn takes him to meet CIA guy Kandisky (German actor Michael Greiling).  Naturally, they want to know what Costello knows and kept abreast of the situation.  This doesn’t sit well with our hefty gumshoe.  He also doesn’t like that he arrived at Lee’s home to find the aforementioned Chinese thugs beating her up for a family photo album; the fact that her seemingly dead Uncle called her and left a phone message; or that Lt. Sam Bosely (the also returning Lou Bedford) told him one of the occupants of the limo is alive and under watch in the hospital.  With a spider web of conspiracy growing by the day, it doesn’t make much sense until Jack gets a phone call from his old pal Prince Wong (Chao Li Chi, Uncle Chu from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA!), who speaks like a fortune cookie when he tells Jack “your mistrust is nearly as large as yourself, Mr. Costello.”

The first season of DETECTIVE EXTRALARGE proved popular enough in its native Italy (the lone report of ratings we can find in Variety said the debut drew in over 7 million viewers in November 1991) that a second season was inevitable, but as we mentioned before, changes were afoot.  First, the production switched from being co-produced by RAI to Silvio Berlusconi’s Mediaset.  Yes, the future disgraced Italian Prime Minister had a hand in helping Extralarge come back. Somewhere in my mind, I love to image him regaling prostitutes at his scandalous “bunga bunga” parties with stories of meeting Bud Spencer.  Anyway, back to the show. Series director Enzo Castellari was also gone and replaced by Alessandro Capone, who will helm all six entries this season. At first I thought this was a cheeky pseudonym (c’mon, Al Capone?), but he is a real guy (he later re-teamed with Spencer on the crime show I DELITTI DEL CUOCO aka THE CRIMES OF THE COOK in 2010).

The episode is also more streamlined, resulting in a well-oiled Extralarge machine.  The first season episodes always ran over 90 minutes, this season the opener runs a quick 83 minutes. While the series still jumps all over Miami, Capone definitely makes the episodes feel more like TV movies.  It appears a bit more care was put into the scripting as well. Jack and his relationships are a bit more fleshed out and the mystery this time around is actually, well, mysterious. And, of course, there is the action.  A lot of the time is filled with Jack thumping heads and car chases like the aforementioned limo flip and a vehicle launching out of a parking garage that has to be seen to be believed (see it in the opening credits video at the end of the review).

Obviously the biggest change here is the casting of Michael Winslow.  With Bud being huge in Germany in general, it is no surprise they opted to go with Winslow. While his popularity stateside may have been waning as the POLICE ACADEMY series came to an end (before 1994’s MISSION TO MOSCOW), Winslow was still very popular worldwide, especially in Germany as he appeared in the popular ZARTLICHE CHAOTEN films. So the casting makes sense.  We suspect there might be another reason.  The producers brought back virtually all the recurring characters like Maria and Sam.  Hell, they even brought back Little Tyson, the punk kid always wandering around the apartment complex with a gun.  With Winslow sliding into the assistant role, we begin to wonder if Philip Michael Thomas was originally set to return but held out for more money.  After all, Archibald dresses and acts almost just like his predecessor. Hell, they even nicknamed him “Dumas” so perhaps the scripts were already written and Winslow came in at the last second to replace a holding out Thomas.  Either way, I much prefer Winslow in the role of sidekick.  Thomas could be endearing at times, but was generally a straight actor running wild.  With Winslow you know what you are going to get and he is obviously much more seasoned than Thomas in the realm of comedy.  Plus, I think he and Spencer have a better onscreen rapport.

I will say that I was disappointed in their “Special Guest Star” as Susan Byun is nowhere up to the level of an Estrada or Ferrigno, despite debuting in SGT. KABUKIMAN NYPD (1990).  It was cool to see Uncle Chu in this though.  The episodes rise and fall on the power of their guest stars (aka washed up ‘80s actors), so let’s hope there are some better surprises down the line.  Season 2 is off and running on the right FLATFOOT though. Damn, I used Tom's joke again.

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This Bud's for You: DETECTIVE EXTRALARGE: BLACK MAGIC (1992)

Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious by, well not much this time out.

By international law, all TV shows must have at least one Yuletide episode. Even if that means a little Charlie Brown tree in the corner of Jack Costello's apartment. Yes, Christmas has come to Miami and what better way to express the joy of the nativity than to have Dumas dance around said tree singing a mock-Yiddish song. Hooboy, this slay-ride is off to a rough start.

Fortunately Christmas is also synonymous with La Brujaria! Come on now, how do you think Santa visits all the houses on the face of the earth in one night in an open-air land craft that flies through the atmosphere by wild venison with glowing noses? See what I'm saying? Black magic! You can't argue with logic.

A creepy, stalker boyfriend, Sid (Julian Reed), is trying to get things going again with his woman. She has decided she doesn't want to be with him and in order to persuade her to come back to his loving arms, he slaps her across the face. Suddenly she has extreme stomach pains and visions of black-hooded monks, and a graven image with red, glowing eyes. Of course the most sensible thing to do at this point is to stab yourself in the stomach repeatedly. Which she does.

This naturally lands Sid in court where he tells his sob story of a love-sick lad who just happened to be there when his estranged girlfriend stabbed herself with his knife. Of course no jury is going to buy this nonsense, but fortunately for him, Dumas happens to be on the scene making courtroom sketches. Fortunately for the viewer, Dumas is far more believable as a courtroom sketch artist than a cartoonist. At the same time Costello is visited by an upperclass twit of the year, Laureen Tracy (Victoria Bass), a wealthy socialite whose daughter has gone missing. She simply wants her daughter, Kathy (Sandra Itzin), found and returned home so she can see her dying father who has caught some sort of ailment in Haiti that makes him appear to be impersonating Red Skelton. On her way out Dumas bumps into her and discovers that the bitch is strapped! Dumas finds Sid's story intriguing and tries to engage Costello's enthusiasm for it. Of course neither one of them believe that black magic is real until Maria sees a TV show about "la brujaria", flips out and runs out of the room. Yep, shit just got real.

After months of searching, they finally found two actors who could
make Philip Michael Thomas' performance seem sophisticated.

Hmmmm... could there be something more sinister going on here? Could these cases be connected? Well, ye-ah. That is probably the most time-honored detective plot set-up in the history of the genre. Scores of '70s and '80s television shows would have floundered helplessly in a sea of useless plot points, unable to get the ball rolling without that particular plot convenience. It's like a three-chord blues hook. Just because everyone's done it, doesn't mean it's no good. Or was that Scarlett Johansson I was thinking of?

Also connected somehow is a televangelist named Reverend Coleman (Helmut Griem, cast for the German audience) who pontificates with some priceless soliloquies and seems to know an awful lot about pagan blood rituals. Says Coleman at the top of his show: "Is he a saint that can work miracles or is he an eccentric socialist? Who is this Christ?" A fine question that we never find out the answer to.

Then there is a surf instructor named Zorac (it's Frank Zagarino, did you expect a normal name?) who has a different line of pontification for the ladies, such as "You've got to caress the wind with your sail. Then dominate the waves with your board." Gotta say, if my ghost-white ass ever makes it to a beach again, I'll have to try that one. There is also Sally (Amy Russ), a snot-nosed rich girl who looks down on Jack and his profession because she works as a tour guide at SeaWorld. Rounding out the cast is Dionne Warwick as a smoky-voiced voodoo queen, Mama Limbo, who may or may not be working for the forces of evil, but because it's Dionne Warwick, we are pretty sure she isn't going to be the bad guy.

For some reason, Castellari and the writers (Sandro Moretti and Giuseppe Pedersoli - aka Bud Jr.) felt the need to do a turn in a more traditional detective story, with hints of horror. It must have sounded great on paper: Two fisted private-eye tracks down missing daughter and unravels a twisted plot by a cult of satanists to sacrifice young women to the pagan god Dumballah. Maybe they shouldn't have been worshiping something that is a few letters off from "dumbell" and they wouldn't have been so easily caught. I prefer to sacrifice maidens to the voodoo god Smartassah and have never had a problem. Unfortunately what this all means is that we get a very talky, humorless entry in which there is almost nothing that Spencer fans would have wanted to tune in for.

To be fair, we do get a brief scene in which Costello and Zorac go toe-to-toe, but the solitary point of action is at Sid's trial. When he is found guilty, some twenty chickens that were silently smuggled into the courtroom are released in a flurry of feathers so that Sid can make his escape which promptly leads to a slightly botched car accident and Sid's theft of a motorcycle. Note the way Sid manages to punch baliffs out of his way like Kenshiro in FIST OF THE NORTH STAR (1986), and a car hit that looks way to hard and seems to catch the stuntman by surprise:

I'm not sure what this scene teaches us about Floriday. Either it is that you can only be found guilty of murder in Florida if you do not use a firearm or, the reason Zimmerman was found not guilty was because they didn't want to have to clean up after the birds. The other things we learn in this episode is that Maria is a stripper (what?!) and the only accent Dumas can do that is worse than his French one, is a British one.

The most egregious missed opportunity comes at the end in which the leader of the evil cult throws up his hands and shouts "there's nothing you can do against the forces of darkness!" This is the perfect cue for Costello to step forward and take the wind out of his sails by bringing his fist down on the lunatic's head. Nope, Jack simply shoots him. Honestly it was a bit shocking to see Bud Spencer kill a bad guy, much less shoot him with something as mundane as a handgun.

While, for me it was not a total chore to sit through (I thought that most of "Cannonball" was much worse), it definitely makes me look forward to the change up that will come with season two.

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This Bud's for You: DETECTIVE EXTRALARGE: CANNONBALL (1992)

Four episodes into the EXTRALARGE series and it appears Tom is winning out in the “Guest Starring” sweepstakes.  While I get guys like Juan Fernandez, Sir Thomas of San Jose has been served up Christopher Atkins, Andrew Stevens and Lou F’N Ferrigno! This just ain’t right.  That right there is enough B-movie acting talent for three early ‘90s direct-to-video flicks.  My luck appears to be changing though as I pop in “Cannonball” and get greeted with “Special Guest Star Erik Estrada” on my screen.  Good day, Mr. CHiPs! “This episode is guaranteed to be awesome,” said my Bud-beleaguered brain. Haha, what do I know?

Jack “Extralarge” Costello has found himself amongst a lot of undesirables in his cases so far.  He’s dealt with thieves, dirty politicians, a child killer, terrorists, crooked boxing promoters, kung fu killers and even a wisecracking kid.  Not to mention having to deal with his accent-wavering buddy Dumas. But now it is time to place Costello in the seediest world imaginable where drugs, gambling and murder run rampant.  No, he isn’t taking on Hollywood.  It is something much more sinister, a world where few enter and even fewer survive.  A place that Obi-Wan would say is a “wretched hive of scum and villainy.”  We could only be talking about – hut, hut – college football!  My God, this Jack Costello has a death wish!

The plot kicks off with the college football team the Lions practicing for their upcoming big game.  The coach seems perturbed that their star player “Long” John Hatter (Fritz Dominique) isn’t anywhere to be seen.  His buddy Cannonball (Stephen Lankau) – a character written so deep they never even give him a real name – assures coach that everything will be fine when the big game arrives.  So where is “Long” John? I’ll let the jocks explain.

Cannonball: “Where do you think he is?”
Random jock: “Probably in some cheap hotel…”
Both in unison: “…with an even cheaper hooker!”
Cannonball: “Alright!” (they high five)

Ah, you gotta love them Italians and their realistic American dialogue.  Actually, that is probably dead on for some ’92 jocks and, sure enough, that is where “Long” John is as he apparently lives up to his name with a pretty white girl.  Two sketchy looking dudes (sketchy because they are always clad in jean jacks in the film and are not Native American) arrive at the hotel and get the room number under the guise of looking for their sister (“She checked in with a black guy.”) before shooting the clerk dead.  They burst into Hatter’s hotel room and fill him full of lead.  The woman he was with was in on it and splits before the two assassins stick a needle of heroin in his arm.

Meanwhile, across town in a shipping yard, Costello, Dumas and Sam are getting ready to bust a container full of cocaine. Unfortunately, they find out the illegal cargo is a gaggle of showgirls (!?!), who scoop Dumas up and, I assume, molest him.  Didn't know there was a huge market for bootleg showgirls. Luckily for Jack, the day isn’t a bust (haha) because Sam gets the call about the double homicide at the hotel.  They arrive just as the body is being wheeled out and Mrs. Hatter (Avery Summers) declares that her Johnny wouldn’t do drugs and be wrapped up with criminals.  She hires Jack to find out “the truth” and gives him a box of John’s things, which includes a mysterious key.  Costello begins using his charm against his old adversary, District Attorney Winnie Vance (Nancy Duerr).  She begrudgingly gives him access to the autopsy report, but feels it is a cut and dry case.  Besides, she has bigger fish to fry as national restaurateur Gonzales (Erik Estrada), who she tried to pin drug charges on, is getting off the hook right as we speak.

Costello decides the best way to handle the investigation is to split up to cover more ground.  Either that or he is getting as tired of Dumas as the viewers are. “Extralarge” decides to start investigating Dr. Shuby (Matthias Habich), the Lions’ team doctor, while he sends Dumas and Maria (Vivian Ruiz) all over Miami trying to find the locker that the key fits into. Surprisingly, the duo actually finds the locker – while inadvertently missing assassination attempts by the Jean Jacket Bros. – and they discover a duffel bag containing $250,000 in it.  Jack slowly (and I mean sloooooowly) starts to piece the whole thing together.  It seems the kids on the team were taking a new super steroid by the doc that made the endurance of the players grow stronger over the course of the game and “Long” John and Cannonball were using this insider knowledge to win big in the illicit world of gambling.  Can you guess who the local gambling kingpin is who isn’t too happy that he was losing to a crooked scheme?  That’s right, it is Gonzales.  I knew that Lamborghini wasn’t paid for with honest, hard-earned money like a Wall Street exec gets.  Naturally, Jack and Dumas decide it is time to go undercover and snag this dude which means Dumas doing all the talking. Nooooooooooooooo!

Alright, let’s see, so I got Erik Estrada.  Now what else do I get?  To quote Ted Knight from CADDYSHACK (1980): “You’ll get nothing and like it!”  Did you notice anything missing in the above paragraphs?  You know, like, action? Sadly, I knew this day was coming – the day when we hit the episode that is the end result of having spent all the money on car chases in the previous episodes. Unfortunately, “Cannonball” is the installment where they decided to focus on the detective elements in the show’s title.  This means lots of Jack Costello walking and talking.  Or, I should say, walking and semi-talking as 50% of the time I’m struggling to hear what is coming out of his mouth.  That is okay for Jessica Fletcher, but not for Bud Spencer.  After the opening shootout in the shipping yard, there is literally no action (save Jack’s car blowing up) until the 80 minutes mark where we get a big shootout at Gonzales’ mansion.  While it may rack up the highest body count in lovely slo-mo for the series so far, it is too much too late. When I hear a title like “Cannonball” and see Erik Estrada, I dream of a massive car chase down the streets of Miami.  The biggest action Estrada gets outside of the shootout is glaring his teeth.  Hell, maybe even throw Estrada on a motorcycle.  Sadly, we get nothing like that. While the “Yo-Yo” episode is full of self referential moments, we can’t even muster a single CHiPs reference.  Bud, I am disappointed.  Hell, Spencer spends 90% of this episode wearing sunglasses for some reason, so maybe even he doesn’t want to be seen in this action-less entry.  On the plus side, this is the first episode so far to feature nudity.  On the downside, it involves a girl getting it on with Philip Michael Thomas doing his full on Pepé Le Pew accent.  I’ll offer you this screencap to save you the pain.  As Lou Ferrigno would say, “That'll be $20.”

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