Dr. Jones I Presume: Don't Call it a Comeback...

Marion Ravenwood: You're not the man I knew ten years ago. 

Indiana Jones: It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage. 

Hard to believe, but it has been nearly seven years since “Dr. Jones, I Presume,” our groundbreaking coverage of the cinematic rip offs of Indiana Jones. Were we the first to cover some of these films? No. But were we the first to include RAIDERS OF THE MAGIC IVORY (1988) with pics of a drunken James Mitchum? You’re goddamn right! And guess what? A few people even actually read our write ups that ranged from kids cartoons to X-rated parodies to Tom unearthing every copy of KING SOLOMON’S MINES ever made. We tried to be as exhaustive as possible, but even back then we knew a few things slipped through the cracks of our whips. So we always knew we’d be back for as second (short) round to mop up the strays.

Haha, who am I kidding? As Tom likes to say, my muse is a fluttering thing and it sure fluttered into action this past February. Like thoughts of INDIANA JONES IV, it started innocently enough but soon spiraled out of control. You see, Tom sent an innocuous little email that said only, “A true test of my love of Indiana Jones rip-offs” and had a link to the JACK HUNTER trilogy on Amazon. What the heck? How could an entire trilogy of Indiana Jones-lite make it surreptitiously to the shelves past our highly trained noses? That day (February 22, 2017) might be a day we both soon regret as I said, “Man, you sound like you are getting the itch to do a follow up on our Indiana Jones coverage.” Y’all know about the itch and soon our fates were sealed like the Well of Souls (ah, boo yourself!) as we were feverishly compiling a list of Jonesploitation for part deux: INDIANA JUNKIE AND THE TEMPLE OF BOX OFFICE RECEIPTS!

Sequels are always tough and, to be honest, we might have gotten a little rusty as we’ve slacked on the blog in the last couple of years. Hell, it has been four years (!!!) since our last big theme week (the glorious look at EXTRA LARGE starring Bud Spencer, RIP). But life got in the way and soon we were updating the blog less and less (naturally, this lack of productivity can only be deduced to the assumption that Tom and I must have been in jail, as Indiana Bonehead Steven Millan theorized[online in a group{where he posts his crazy thoughts}]). Nope, like Harrison Ford, we just got older and lazier...and crashed a few private one-man planes. But we decided to whip things back into shape and over the last few months dug up a bunch of other Indiana Jones wannabe relics that deserve (or maybe don’t deserve) the attention of our readers. Do we have readers? Do people still read? Naturally, we’ll be starting off with the JACK HUNTER trilogy since that is what got the itch going. Then we are going to jump all over the map with efforts from the UK to Australia to India to Turkey (that last country’s name might be the most appropriate for this overview). And, yes, you pervs we will be covering some porn too. Don’t worry, plenty of framegrabs. We’ll leave no ancient video stone unturned as we get the band back together and start up our first sequel theme week all these years later. Hey, it worked out great with INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (2008), right? Wait, better not answer that one…

Will: How did I get roped into this?

Tom: Don't worry, everything is fine.

Read More

Two-Fisted TV: JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA (1997)

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA (1997): The '90s were a rough time. Rock music neutered itself by going unplugged, infomercials replaced old movies on late night TV and entertainment producers didn't know what the hell to do with these men-in-tights properties in the same way that they haven't for generations. Ok, that last part is not totally true. There are a few bright spots, but this is not one of them.

Directed by Félix Enríquez Alcalá and an uncredited Lewis Teague for CBS as a pilot for a series, this re-interpretation of the comic books doesn't even hit the level of camp.
The pilot introduces a stable of classic DC comicbook characters including, The Flash (Kenny Johnston), Green Lantern (Matthew Settle), The Atom (John Kassir), and Fire (Michelle Hurd) through situational comedy (Lantern has girlfriend troubles, Flash can't hold down a job, Atom dismayed that he is not sexy, etc) and even worse, '90s-style interview segments. Comic highlights include a running joke (yeah, yeah, "booooo") about The Flash losing jobs because he is too fast. At one point he moves into Lantern and Atom's apartment and whips up a massive meal to show his gratitude. He then eats everything at lightning speed and lets out a loud belch. Where's the laugh track, I ask you?

The plot of this pilot is to introduce Ice (of "Fire and Ice") to the team. While working at an extremely well-funded weather research company run by Dr. Eno (Miguel Ferrer), mousy meteor-maid Tori Olafsdotter (Kim Oja) discovers some odd goings on down in the research lab. While investigating, she knocks a bottled water onto something glowy in a suitcase. This gives her power to turn water to ice which suddenly puts her on the radar of Martian Manhunter (David Ogden Stiers... yes, David Ogden Stiers). Meanwhile an urban terrorist, The Weather Man, who wraps silver sheets around his face to make himself like like a middle-Eastern terrorist with bad fashion sense, is threatening to engulf Metro City in an apocalypse of bad weather. No, really. Who could this crazy Weather Man be? Well, if you read the opening credits you already know, but suffice to say it is the last person these boneheaded heroes expect.

In addition to the fact that the producers desperately try to avoid using any special effects, the costumes are... unfortunate. Fire's way of hiding her identity is to streak some green make-up under her eyes. This completely and utterly fools everyone, including a 20-year old nerd who is desperately in love with her, but of course learns a life lesson and finds a girl suitable for his age. The Flash, ironically can barely move in his costume, and everyone with a mask seems to have developed massive brow-ridges and cheek bones making them look like some bizarre extras from DAY OF THE DEAD (1985). It's an interesting historical piece if you are really into comic book adaptations, but other than that it's an embarrassment for all concerned.

Read More