Giallo Pudding: MADNESS (1994) aka EYES WITHOUT A FACE

I know that anyone tuning into this website doesn't need a refresher course on Bruno Mattei. If you do, I will sum up by saying that he is a one of a kind Italian genre director who has made some wonderfully off-kilter, low-budget horror films that back in the '80s, '90s and even 2000s were frequently written off a junk and if you met another person who also liked Bruno Mattei movies, there is no stronger bond of friendship. These days with the internet providing all sorts of oddities that are amplified by social media and physical media companies releasing all sorts of things that used to be cult films in the strictest sense of the word, there are plenty of movie buffs who know Mattei's work. However, if you have only seen the films that have been released on blu-ray, you are missing some of his admittedly lesser, but none the less, entertaining movies.

Back before Dario Argento reinvented the Italian genre staple of the giallo with his "animal" trilogy that kicked off with THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMMAGE (1970), the giallo film could be a little stodgy and perhaps even dry, to some. Argento took a genre that is somewhat analogous to the British and North American mystery genre and made it stylish and exciting. This offended some purists, but was hugely successful at home and in the international marketplace. Even after Argento met his muse in Daria Nicolodi, and merged the giallo with the proto-slasher film following the success of Mario Bava's gory trendsetter, A BAY OF BLOOD (1971), there were still some folks who liked the old fashioned, more grounded gialli, where there is a puzzle to solve, the pacing is deliberate and stylistic flourishes are kept to a minimum. Who knew that Bruno Mattei would be one of them? Or maybe he was just broke and couldn't afford all of the bells and whistles. Cue Bruno spinning in his grave.

Opening with a head-to-toe black clad killer with a zip up balaclava pursuing a child at a go-kart racetrack, we quickly find out that he is not after the kid, but in fact, the child's minder, an attractive young woman who is freaking out trying to find the damn kid. Unfortunately for her, this lands her straight into the clutches of our growling, and presumably thermoplegic, killer who whips out a dual-bladed stiletto and promptly gouges out one of her eyes. Not content with that, he also smashes a bottle and uses the broken glass to stuff her eye sockets. So, yeah, this chucklehead is probably not going to get much out of a telehealth visit.

Later, at a press conference, the publishing and creative staff of a popular fumetti titled "Doctor Dark", about a professor of Paganism, moonlighting as a serial killer who collects his victim's eyeballs. A reporter named Calligari (Fausto Lombardi) of the Fox News variety, jumps to his feet and lambasts the artist Giovanna (Monica Carpanese), accusing her of actually causing the killings by producing such reprehensible entertainment. "If I had my way, I'd burn them all, all this violent subcultural trash!" To which the audience wildly applauds. Dude's probably pen pals with Tipper Gore. To pacify the audience, the publisher, Binelli, accuses them all of a "moral lynching"(!!) which, naturally, causes everyone to relax and line up for autographs. As one would expect.

Just to make things worse for the already frazzled Giovanna, police inspector Callistrati (Antonio Zequila) butts in with his own accusations that the comic is inspiring the killer, to which Giovanna replies in the calm, collected way that you would expect from an Italian, "if the killer used an electric drill, I suppose you'd take it up with Black & Decker!?" This goes on while Binelli hits on his secretary Emy (Emy Valentino), because... you know, Italians. Giovanna decides to go home, ditching her boyfriend/writer along the way, only to get a creepy phone call and finds a pair of torn out eyeballs on her mantle piece!

This leads to a surprisingly convoluted plot in which everyone is a suspect and red herrings run rampant. Surprisingly, because, aside from the opening scene with the graphic eye-gouging, this feels like an old-school giallo with a heavy emphasis on keeping the audience off-balance, constantly second guessing who might be the killer.

Much of the movie bounces around from various locations on land and sea where Giovanna is trying to escape the lurking killer while the police fumble about with almost too many clues. At the autopsy for the first victim, inspector Callistrati rants about how the killer carved out her eyes and stuck a stiletto up her nose "just like the ancient Egyptians!" Wait, so 31BC Nubians were riding around on suped up donkey's shaking down merchants with their switchblades? Were was Maurizio Merli when you needed him?

At one point Giovanni gets a call quoting her comic "In the mirror I have seen the dark side of my being and while my eyes watched it, it watched me." This is said after showing the killer get dressed infront of a surprisingly elaborate mirror set up in which the outline of the killer (with hat!) is on the mirror and some bleeding eyes are reflected in the wall on the opposite side of the mirror. Clearly the killer doesn't have a day job. We also discover that the killer is... the conservative reporter! This is a swerve that I'm pretty sure is a nod to Argento's TENEBRAE (1982). The reporter is shot by the police, at which point he wildly rolls his eyes, grins manically and says "they are all so beautiful" referring to the comics, before passing out. He manages to recover in an asylum, presumed to be the killer until the killings start again.

There is so much oddball stuff going on in this movie, I can't even begin to catalogue it all. In one bit the murderer finds the secretary Emy at work late and after a struggle manages to make her death look like the most contrived suicide ever, with her corpse slumped backwards over a table, holding a syringe in her own throat and a letter next to her body claiming to be the killer. While the police are doing their forensic duty, Giovanna and her boyfriend (who could also the be the killer) are brought into the middle of the crime scene so that Giovanna can be totally traumatized by the sight of Emy being in a state of dead. After she completely freaks out, the inspector says "You better leave this room. You might smudge prints or destroy other evidence." Why did you bring them in then? Later the inspector basically recites to the camera the entirety of the events that lead up to Emy's death as if he was reconstructing the crime in his head, at the end of this long, definitely not padding, scene he discovers that Emy wrote the killer's name on a sticky note. We know this is the identity of the killer and not just a random note to draw a co-worker's attention to something innocuous because... Emy has ink on her fingers! At which point the inspector turns to the camera and says "OH. MY. GOD." I swear this is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen and possibly made the movie worth watching all by itself.

The whole thing wraps up with a surprising (I keep using that word), rather nihilistic ending that apparently was partially cut for the Italian release. Although I was not able to get ahold of the Italian version, apparently Mattei decided to not only trim some of the grimness from the ending, but also chose to insert and replace some of the deaths in the movie with bits from A BLADE IN THE DARK (1983). Not that Mattei has never clumsily inserted mismatched footage from other films, not at all, he took the old trick of Cormanizing to a whole new level. I just can't imagine how they would fit in at all. They are extremely different and to be completely honest, what is here is fine for what it is.

Some of those British movie "experts" have gone on record lambasting this movie with their usual, "it's not high-art, therefore rubbish" attitude. I aways enjoy Kim Newman popping up on what seems like every UK special edition saying, in a sneering tone, variations of "It's enjoyable schlock, if you like that sort of thing". This serves two purposes. One, to denigrate the film in question as not being of an acceptable standard for his sophisticated tastes and two, to distance himself from the film implying that there are some subhumans who may enjoy this, but clearly not him. If you find it impossible to see the craft in LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE (1974), why bother to be interviewed on the SE disc for the film? Troy Howarth upbraided MADNESS on several levels, one criticism being that the acting was "wooden". I honestly wonder if he has seen the film as the acting is clearly playing to the cheap seats. It's Italian actors acting like Italians. Every discussion is a shouting match, every misfortune a calamity. Giovanna's reactions to her predicaments are so wildly over the top and hysterical that it becomes pretty damn funny, but "wooden"? Nah, man. Not even close.

Is MADNESS high art? No. Is it as good as DEEP RED (1975)? Of course not. Does that mean that it is not even worth seeing? Also no. If you can enjoy Italian genre films for both the highs and the lows, there is a lot that they have to offer and you will be rewarded. This is particularly rewarding if you enjoy getting in the weeds on a particular genre, or a particular director, or both. I still have a few more obscure, what appear to be SOV non-horror, Mattei movies to check off my list, but this is such an odd entry in his career that it is interesting and surprisingly entertaining. If nothing else, it moves along at a fast enough pace and throws enough weird stuff at the wall that it's never boring.

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Book Drop: These Fists Break Bricks (and so will this book!)

We rarely do this, but sometimes something comes along that we really want to shout out to the three people who still follow our cinematic ramblings. This is NOT a paid promotion (though I was gifted a copy), we do not get a red cent from any links. The only reason we may promote products, is because we love them and want to get the word out. I know, I know, this is not how the internet works, but fuck it, we're rebels!

If you are familiar with a lot of the folks who have been digging through obscure movies for decades, you will undoubtedly know the Elder God of obscure genre cinema, Chris Poggiali and his fantastic website The Temple of Schlock. Loaded with rare minutia about even rarer films, Chris knows his shit. This is why we wanted to mention his new book, which has now been revised into a stunning 374 page hardback monster of a tome stuffed with info, photos and poster art for a wide variety of beloved and rare martial arts films from the '60s, but mostly '70s and '80s. Right in the sweet spot of grindhouse cinema and "Kung Fu Theater". And not just the movies, but the movie poster artists, performers and more! It's even got a forward from hardcore kung fu fan RZA of, obviously, Wu-Tang Clan.

Weighing in at nearly three pounds, you could used this book for self defense during your next subway ride, protect yourself from rubber bullets at your next protest march or simply read it on the sofa to escape the heat. Seriously, though, if you have a yen* for martial arts movies of all kinds and the history of cinema, head over to the official website https://www.thesefistsbreakbricks.com/ and pre-order for a July 8th release. Hell, Chris is such a nice guy, he even offers an audio book for the literate challenged (sadly not narrated by Michelle Yeoh).

* I apologize, you don't want to know what the tariffs are on good puns these days.

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Tales from the Snark Side: ROCK-A-DIE BABY (1989)

Have you ever had one of those days where you just need to shut out the noise of the world and sink into a hot, frothy bath of low-rent '80s horror movie? Is it just me? This time out, wading nostril deep through the excretia of the last two years - err, I mean two weeks - I thought "hey, now is the time to watch one of the few '80s anthology horror films that I've never seen before!" What could go wrong?

Warning: Spoilers Ahead.

Opening with a scene in which an alleged rock band (billed as Danger, but not to be confused with the active Swedish band) is being harangued by their manager (writer-producer-director Bob Cook) to come up with a song for a horror movie by morning. The band, who are repeatedly referred to as a rock band, are aghast at such lowly endeavor. "A horror movie?" they groan. If you ever forgot that horror was considered a flogged horse at the end of the '80s, here's a reminder and it won't be the first, but more on that later.

We then cut to a woman in a low cut, black dress with tiger in a cemetery for no adequately explained reason, before we get the opening credits which include a bells and synth cover of... yes, Rock-a-Bye Baby. Bob Cook must have been really excited by his high concept. I hear cocaine will do that to you, but I have no proof of this.

Just when you were thinking this pre-credit sequence was the wrap-around story for our anthology, we are introduced to an half-asleep mom with perfect hair, Eva (Marilyn Hassett), and her too-old-for-this-shit 12 year old daughter Diana (Lauren Woodland). While watching NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) on TV, Diana decides the movie is boring (What?! Go to your room! Right now!) and wants mom to tell her a bedtime story. Seriously, this is the wrap-around. Diana wants Mom to tell her an original story off the top of her head, because she's an author after all, regardless of the fact that she is way too old for that sort of thing. Mom thinks about it and decides that a story about the Viet Nam war is just the ticket for a young girl. Full disclosure, I'm not the parent of a young girl, so what the hell do I know? But I don't remember any PLATOON (1987) t-shirts at Hot Topic back in the day.

Utilizing some stock footage from the TV series VIETNAM WAR STORIES (1987-88), we are introduced to our team of four diverse soldiers who are introduced bitching and griping before the Sarge decides that they should split up for because, I guess, that the lowest unit of military forces is not small enough. Sarge and Porky (Phill Meske) spot a VC with a roll of toilet paper (because, sure, why not?) and take off after him while Hutch (Bobby Hosea) and Opie (Glenn Morshower), after admitting to a lack of heroism, investigate a tiny village that has four G.I.s all torn up in the middle of the huts. After much arguing about what happened (says Hutch, "VC don't rip nobody's arms off!"), they spot a topless local sprinting into a hut. Feeling that this is a threat that they can handle, our men in green give chase and escort her back to camp while proposing a myriad of sexual fantasies. At the camp Sarge and Porky (so named because he's way too fat to have ever made it through basic training) show off their spoils, a VC prisoner who is clearly a Latino dude, and drool over the girl. One by one the "feisty little gook" seduces, sprouts fangs and heavy eyebrows and kills the team off camera with sounds of a tiger on the soundtrack. The twist here is that another team of diverse soldiers finds the four torn up G.I.s and the whole scenario repeats, right down to the dialogue and the streaking girl.

Man, if that doesn't knock some kid into dreamland, I don't know what will! In between the stories, in addition to the wrap-around, we get more footage of the wannabe Elvira with the tiger in the cemetery with some of the band members dressed up as cheesy movie monsters, intercut with scenes of the story that we just watched all set to a song called Spooky Lady. "Spooky lay-daaaay, whatcha gonna do? Spooky lay-daaaay, she put a spell on you." Spooky lay-daaaay, what's this all about? Spooky lay-daaaay, pad that run-time out.

What, this damn kid is still awake? Yep, time for another appropriately YA story. This one is about a group of 30-something "college kids" who are predictably drunk, loud, and mean. You know they are college kids because the guys will raise their beers and yell "it's beaver time!" at random intervals. This is amusingly translated in Brazilian as "and time for porn!" After a round of strip poker in which (big surprise) Becky LeBeau's character, Joanne, is the loser, they decide to prank the nerdy, virginal classmate Martha (Lillian Byrd) by setting up a fake seance in which they plan to "bring back" their dead math teacher Old Lady Clausen who knew Martha. The big plan is to get Martha naked and scare her so bad that she will run out into the streets with no clothes on and be really embarrassed.

Yeah, it's a hell of a plan. Martha really wants to join these lunk heads, so she goes along with it, allowing her bare chest to be painted with a pentacle (not even an inverted one) while the douches knock on the table and say spooky things from a mic in another room. The big payoff is supposed to be Joanne in face cream, bursting in and pretending to be Old Lady Clausen, but instead she passes out and the real Claussen comes back from the dead and is really pissy because Martha wouldn't let her get in her pants. I guess the joke here is that the math teacher was a lesbian and... well, that's about it. Unlike the first story, this seems totally on brand for something a 12 year old would enjoy. Questionable parenting, sure, but it plays to the crowd.

Following another Spooky Lady montage, we get the third and, thankfully, final story, this one starring top-billed Dick Sargent. Yes, the same Dick Sargent whose decades-long career is probably best remembered by his replacing Dick York on "Bewitched" in 1969. Unnamed newlyweds (Sargent and Marilyn Hassett) decide to spend their honeymoon night in the back of a taxi parked over a city view. Yeah, this one has got to knock this kid out, for sure. While "comically" and enthusiastically making out in the back seat, the taxi driver notices that in the mirror it appears as if the groom is gettin' jiggy all by himself. Cut to the couple at home and after his bride says that she's hungry, the groom suggests "steak" to which the horrified wife says "WHAT?!" Hooboy, this isn't foreshadowing, it's forebludgeoning. The wife works odd hours at a blood bank (ok, ok, we get it, jeeezus!) and doesn't like going to the beach or baseball games ("because of the bats"), and nearly chokes to death on a salad that the husband made with... yep, you guessed it, garlic. Cue the muted horns. Wha, wha, whaaaa.

After dinner, the husband cuts his finger while doing dishes and the wife rushes over and sucks his finger, which he finds odd. Kids love Dracula references! Just when things are getting freaky between the sheets, the wife informs her husband that if he wants any more action, he's going to have to go shave. Then she mentions that there is a full moon out and that she has a surprise for him. He replies he has a surprise for her too and she sprouts fangs and he sprouts fur and we cut back and forth for far too long. And that damn kid finally falls asleep, as does the audience. Actually, I lie. What really happens is the mom and daughter suddenly turn to face the camera, both sporting vampire fangs. Ugh, make it stop!

Just when you thought you were finished with this mess, we get yet another Spooky Lady montage, this time with clips from all of the stories that we just watched which goes on for three full minutes. This is followed by a slow credit scrawl over outtakes of actors flubbing their lines, including Bob Cook hisself blowing his lines and then throwing a hissy and blaming it on another actor. I'm not sure why Bob would include footage of himself looking like a total jerkwad, but ok.

The usual school of thought is that horror anthologies typically have one really good story and then are bolstered by two lesser stories. Sometimes movies will buck that trope and deliver one clunker after another. While I can think of other examples of bad low-rent indy horror anthologies (TALES FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE (1987), anyone?), it's hard to think of any that sport a large number of cast members that actually went on to have successful careers. Not to mention the fact that the movie never even made it on to US shelves, ROCK-A-DIE only appearing on video in Brazil, Japan and Mexico, as far as I can tell.

1989 was a precarious year for horror films. It didn't take even a decade for slasher movies and horror films in general to go from boom to bust. As we all know, John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN (1978) ushered in, what was at the time, the modern horror movie. Inspired by Italian giallo films, HALLOWEEN in turn inspired many knock-offs that became institutions in their own right. These institutions begat sequels and other knock-offs that filled video store shelves in a time where anything and everything could be released on video and make whopping great loads of cash. At about the mid '80s, slasher fatigue set in. The success of the humor-filled gore-drenched RE-ANIMATOR (1985), which was so popular that it received an expanded R-rated version and a massively edited 59 minute version broadcast on television's USA Network, led to a preponderance of horror comedies completely taking over the horror market. In a few short years this too burned itself out leading to the explosion of "horror-thrillers" or just straight thrillers in the '90s.

In '89 ROCK-A-DIE was teetering on the edge of being obsolete before it even got before audiences and ultimately never got released in the US. Even so, this is surprising as the ravenous hunger for VHS genre movies in video stores was still going strong until Blockbuster, and to a lesser extent Hollywood Video, bought out all of the mom and pop video stores in the early '90s and began dictating what the public would be allowed to see from their offices in the conservative mid-west. This helped wipe out the horror genre for a few years until DVD started the cycle all over again. It's interesting how quickly these undulations in the market came at that time, where as today folks are complaining about "superhero fatigue" for a market boom that started nearly 20 years ago.

This one is really a bit frustrating as it could have been far more fun than it is. The comedy aspects are as joyless as the relentless padding that is required to bring the movie up to feature length. It barely delivers any horror, other than the torn up soldiers in the first episode and the cheap, but cool undead face of Old Lady Clausen in the second one. Dick Sargent's werewolf makeup is downright embarrassing, looking more like a hairy catcher's mask than a werewolf. On the other hand, it's got Becky LeBeau topless, which is always nice and it's shot on film. Shooting on film automatically brings it up to respectability, though the estimated $375,000 budget probably got eaten up by that very thing, not to mention even as feeble as Dick Sargent's career was in '89, I'm sure he took a chunk out of what was left. This leaves little to put up on screen, but you can make up for it with some creativity. I mean, if you have any. The first story in Nam could have been pretty good with just a little bit more money for a halfway decent were-tiger costume, a bit of gore or even more scenes shot at night. Hell, I'd settle for some foley'd sound effects of automatic weaponsfire instead of the raw pop of blanks being fired, though to be fair, the weapons fire is mostly just from a hilarious moment where Sarge fires his M16 in the air while screaming and crying after finding Opie dead. You'd think the meatgrinder that was Nam would have left him a little numb, but I guess he really liked Opie. The wrap-around really should have been better, but I guess Cook was struggling to shoehorn something in to fit his concept that wouldn't cost him a bundle and couldn't be bothered to go all David Lynch and make some sort of nightmare baby with a goat fetus, which is a shame.

This was Bob Cook's first film of his own creation. He is credited as assistant director on three films prior to ROCK-A-DIE, but this was his *ahem* baby and established his mini production company B.C. Films in Florida. He has gone on to make 10 more movies, including the lamentable LYCANTHROPE (1999), which managed to ensnare Robert Carradine, Michael Winslow and Christopher Mitchum for a few days of shooting. Then there is his most recent, SCREAM TEST (2020), which I'm going to pass on because there is no way a 2020, shot on digital, Felissa Rose no-budgeter is in any way going to make my world a better place. A man's gotta know his limitations.

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Psychic Power: PATER NOSTER AND THE MISSION OF LIGHT (2024)

Hard to believe but Shocktober 2024 is upon us. To be honest, we’re still healing from our self-inflicted cinemasochism journey of Ulli Lommel serial killer flicks last year, so I figured it would take something pretty special to get me out of that slump. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that something arrived via the underground horror film PATER NOSTER AND THE MISSION OF LIGHT (2024). Kick off your Birkenstocks, light some incense, and avoid the brown acid because things are about to get trippy. 

“People come and go, but music is forever.” 

The film opens with a moody scene where a group of cult members surround The Oracle (William Christopher). Fed a black gooey substance, the Oracle lives up to their name by announcing the Dragon Flower is wilting and that a new vessel is needed to house The Aleph. “The siren’s song will call her to us,” he says before collapsing. Cut to Mary Alice “Max” Clay (Adara Starr) dancing down the street to her job at an independent record store. Following a hilarious montage of customer interactions, the plot kicks into gear when a customer brings in an ultra-rare LP to trade. Said record is “Sator” by the hippie commune group Pater Noster and the Mission of Light and Max quickly offers the guy fifty dollars in store credit to score this rare “major want list item.” Unfortunately, Max’s dreams are dashed when the store owner Sam (Morgan Shaley Renew) stakes claim on the disc for the store. 

Sensing gold in them thar hills, Max pleads with the customer to find out where he purchased this rarity. He gives her the address of a thrift store and Max soon finds herself holding four of the band’s five rare releases. The store owner mentions the hippies used to own this shop and occasionally drop off old stock. Hoping to score the elusive fifth album, Max leaves her name and number to pass along. Big mistake #1. Returning home with her LP loot, Max settles down to listen to the albums with her roommate and ex-girlfriend Abby (Sanethia Dresch). It is at this point around the 13-minute mark I knew this was going to be special as head music fills the soundtrack and the screen explodes with an insane psychedelic vision of some crazy ass stuff. “This music is drugs,” says Abby. Yeah, and so is this movie. Immediately after the vision, Max gets a phone call from the Mission of Light hoping to set up a meeting to which she agrees. Big mistake #2 

The next night Max, Abby, Sam, and co-worker Gretchen (Shelby Lois Guinn) head to see the band Lunacide with the expressed interest of talking to the band’s drummer Jay Sin (Josh Outzen, whose wig should earn a Best Supporting Actor nod), who purchased the “Sator” album earlier in the day. Jay says the group was founded by Pater Noster, who was studying at M.I.T. before falling into the ‘60s drug scene and starting the cult. Wishing to find out more about this mysterious group, Max has everyone back to her place to pick Jay’s brain. Luckily, he has the hookup as they call into the paranormal radio show of Dennis Waverly (Tim Cappello, the “I Still Believe” saxman from THE LOST BOYS [1987]), who turns out to know a lot about the Mission of Light. Waverly says the group “cultivated the greatest minds of the esoteric underground” and dabbled in everything from a GMO food called Manna to writing psychology-occult books before disappearing in the mid-70s. Most chillingly, he says, “They worship at the altar of madness.” So they’re like Trump supporters? Waverly warns Max to be careful as anyone who has owned the “Rotas” album has allegedly met with “incredible misfortune.” 

The warning goes unheeded though as Max gets another phone call from the Mission of Light offering to pick her up the next day. Big mistake #3. The following morning Max and her friends are picked up by The Driver (Stephan Jensen, channeling Reggie Nalder in BURNT OFFERINGS [1976]), who offers them some alcohol but says they must be blindfolded for the final hour of their drive. Soon the group arrives at Wunderlawn Tu and is greeted by Deja Venus (Dorothy Hadley Joly) before the other commune members appear and break out in song to welcome their visitors. Feeling the effects of the alcohol, Jay heads to the bathroom but is suddenly surrounded by two purple jacket- wearing guards, Nova (Aaron Blomberg) and Rayne (Paul Talbot, aka the world’s foremost Charles Bronson expert). In a daze, Jay is dragged to come face-to-face with Pater Noster (Mike Amason, looking like an evil Uncle Jesse from THE DUKES OF HAZZARD). The bearded cult leader wastes little time explaining his musical philosophy, telling Jay, “When it is done well, music can crack open the mind and allow another consciousness to enter it.” Noster’s female assistant mentions fear actually delivers the best energy and begins to…well, I’ll just wrap up my summary here so there are at least some surprises. Let’s just say that in the last half of the film our loveable old hippies make the Manson Family look like the Partridge Family. 

“Music is the first form of magic practice.” 

Made in the wilds of South Carolina, PATER NOSTER AND THE MISSION OF LIGHT is the third feature of writer-director Christopher Bickel. A veteran musician of the punk music scene, Bickel has taken the punk rock ethos and seemingly transferred it to film. Seriously, my man heard about D.I.Y. (Do It Yourself) and took that literally. No joke, Bickel’s credit in the final crawl mentions he wrote, produced, directed, lit, shot, edited, and scored the film. Hell, I’d wager he was probably whipping up the Manna in the kitchen for the scenes it is shown in. My litmus test for modern horror is just to show me something unique and the scenario Bickel has dreamed up here definitely did that as the last half hour has some truly gruesome and insane bits. 

That is not to say the entire scenario is filled with hippie freakouts and over-the-top gore. Bickel also takes the time to work in some humor including a recurring joke about the pronunciation of band/album names that culminates with Max telling Deja that she loved the album “Opera” and is told it is pronounced “OH-pear-uh.” And I legit let out a belly laugh in the finale where Max is running for her life, but stops in her tracks to grab a couple copies of the “Rotas” album. Shit, gotta pay that rent! There is also a nice bit of social commentary as Deja mentions how the group went into hiding, particularly because of how intolerant Christians were to the group. 

The multihyphenate Bickel uses all of the tech elements to further establish the film's uniqueness. The sound design is fantastic and Bickel and friends recorded an entire album’s worth of music for the titular group. The editing really blew me away as well, especially during the hallucinations, and there is a gruesome FX creation by Joe Castro that has to be seen to be believed. Buttressing all of these elements is a crew that I am sure worked their ass off. From the costumes to the set designs to the faux album covers, there is such an amazing attention to detail. I was legit floored when the end credits mentioned the entire thing was shot for the price of a used car (roughly $21,000 according to Bickel). 

Equal to Bickel’s ability to stretch a dollar is his ability to get the most of a committed cast. Most everyone here is a veteran of Bickel’s previous productions THE THETA GIRL (2017) and BAD GIRLS (2021), so I’m sure they knew what they were getting into, but the film’s finale features some boundary pushing that I’m shocked he got everyone to agree to it. Newcomers to this ensemble of insanity include debuting lead Adara Starr and Josh Outzen, who both do perfect turns as the final girl lead and the loveable stoner, respectively. Much like the Mission of Light itself, the troupe is in the hands of a total madman, but this one is only looking to entertain and/or gross out. Thankfully, he manages to achieve both with great success. PATER NOSTER AND THE MISSION OF LIGHT is truly one-of-a-kind and if you dig indie horror made with heart (and blood spraying from said heart), I highly recommend it.

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TV Terror: PLAYING WITH FIRE (1985)

Figured it would take something major for me to churn out a full blown review and I’ll be damned if that didn’t happen this week when someone unearthed the super elusive TV movie PLAYING WITH FIRE (1985) starring sitcom star Gary Coleman as a teenage arsonist. The NBC TV project was announced in March 1984, just a month after Coleman had turned sixteen and the world’s biggest child star wanted to expand his range beyond playing precocious children due to his diminutive size. Unfortunately, despite being supported by a stellar cast, capable crew and gripping scenario, Coleman saw his opportunity to try new things go up in flames due to a number of factors. 

Coleman stars as 15-year-old David Phillips, who is dealing with the separation of his parents Carol (Cicely Tyson) and Steve (Ron O’Neal). The script wastes little time establishing this as Carol arrives home from her doctor job and seems to ignore David while tending to his little brother. Our lead takes his anger out by throwing a basketball at the family dog, whose yelp results in the mom saying, “I wish your father had taken him instead of a lot of the other things he took.” Stopping before lighting a cigarette because she is trying to quit, Carol leaves her lighter out and David is drawn to it like a moth to a flame. It doesn’t take long for David to get his Drew Barrymore on as he terrorizes the family dog by flicking the lighter toward it and accidentally sets a coat on fire. Suddenly the frustrated David has an outlet for all of his pent up anger and a way to get his family’s attention. 

The abandon David feels at home is reciprocated at school as he is left out of a basketball game even though his best friend Mike (Tom Fridley, the metal dude from FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI) is using David’s prized basketball. This results in David setting fire to a garbage can which in turn results in David’s first encounter with Fire Chief Walker (Yaphet Kotto). David tries to explain it away by saying a spark from a car exhaust caused the blaze, but Walker ain’t buying it. Anyway, David is soon living Def Leppard’s “Pyromania” as he sets fire to some bushes after an encounter with his dad (using the child support check as a igniter), sets fire to the school after a parent conference with the principal, and sets his own house aflame when his mother decides to go out for her first date. All the while Chief Walker is around trying to make sure the stubborn family gets David the help he needs. 

PLAYING WITH FIRE has long attracted interest in cult film circles because, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to see TV’s beloved Arnold Jackson cackling gleefully as he becomes - to quote noted 20th century poets The Prodigy - a fire starter, twisted firestarter! The imagination builds so much over the decades that the movie’s eventual viewing will probably be a letdown as it is a pretty somber but normal “Movie of the Week” fare. Writer-producer Lew Hunter was a TV vet by this point, having previously penned the super creepy FALLEN ANGEL (1981), which had Richard Masur as a child molester, and the “our kids are on drugs” drama DESPERATE LIVES (1982). His scenario handles the building of David’s obsession with blazes well, accurately showing the pressure slowly building in the young man. Hunter also tackles the dilemma where parents refuse to admit something might be wrong with their child and their own resistance to therapy to help. Director Ivan Nagy was also a prolific TV vet at the time and handles it all well with DP Gary Graver capturing the fire scenes with the right intensity. (Shockingly, Nagy would go on to his own criminal infamy as he was wrapped up in the Heidi Fleiss scandal and eventually segued into directing porn.) 

As for Coleman, he is handed a complex role and the young actor acquits himself well in it for the most part. The sequence where he sets his mother’s clothes aflame in a rage is probably his best work in the picture. Unfortunately, several factors hold his portrayal back. Despite it being established as an age appropriate role, Coleman still had those cute, chubby cheeks and high pitch voice. It is hard to take some of the dramatics seriously when you are trained to instinctively hear a “whatchutalkinabout?” when some family drama unfolds. The production wisely surrounds Coleman with an amazing supporting cast including legend Cicely Tyson and SUPER FLY himself Ron O’Neal. The best performance is hands down by Yaphet Kotto as the sympathetic fire inspector. There is a great scene where the family debates David’s fate with Chief Walker. “Why don’t you do something,” asks Tyson, to which Kotto sternly replies, “Why do you do something?” There is also an innocent love interest angle with Tammy Lauren, who previously co-starred with Coleman in THE KID WITH THE BROKEN HALO (1982). 

Debuting on NBC’s “Sunday Night at the Movies” on April 14, 1985, the movie actually faced pretty stiff competition as CBS debuted the 13-hour miniseries SPACE while ABC hosted the network television premiere of POLTERGEIST (1982). The James Michener adaptation rocketed to first place with a 19.9 rating/34 share of the audience. Spielberg and Hooper’s suburban ghosts and Coleman’s suburban arsonist battled neck-and-neck for second and third place though, with the former receiving a 15.4 rating/24 share and the latter a 15.3/24 share. 

Not bad for a dramatic debut of a former child star. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. At the time Coleman was the highest paid child actor in the world, making an astonishing $64,000 per episode of DIFF’RENT STROKES. In fact, by the time PLAYING WITH FIRE debuted on television, it appears Coleman was trying to leverage it into more serious roles. He took to the press and said, “I don’t want to play kids forever” and even indicated that he was willing to walk away from the hit sitcom when his contract ended at the end of the 1985 season. Unfortunately, NBC called his bluff and the network canceled the still high-rated show. However, in a bit of television history, it was picked up by competitor ABC for an eighth and final season that spanned from September 1985 until March 1986. Coleman actually ended up taking a long hiatus after that, which was unfortunate because he was never able to recapture his past glory or parlay this interesting dramatic turn into something bigger. Coleman would eventually return on talk shows like THE ARSENIO HALL SHOW in 1989, where he would publicly plead for a serious job in Hollywood. It never happened and Coleman was soon embroiled in a lawsuit against his parents and former manager. It is a shame that Hollywood was so, pardon the pun, short-sighted as Coleman deserved better.

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The plan was to cover the full run of 12 serial killer movies from Ulli Lommel and his pimp, Lionsgate. Unfortunately, these movies are even worse than we suspected. Really, I'm not kidding here. These movies suck so hard that they create a swirling vortex of darkness that swallows black holes. So, we tapped out early. "Wimps!" I hear you scream. Yeah, I know, we're getting soft in our respective old ages. We could have broken a hip or something! To be honest though, there is only so many ways that you can say "Ulli doesn't give a shit, he's just doing it for the money." Hell, if you can even make it through every review, you deserve a gold star stapled to your forehead. You've been warned.

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Curse of the Zodiac (2007)

BTK Killer (2005)

Son of Sam (2008)

Night Stalker (2009)

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