Blind Vengeance Week: The Legacy of Zatoichi, Part 1

Ever since the debut of Kenji Misumi and Shintaro Katsu’s landmark film THE TALE OF ZATOICHI in 1962, audiences and filmmakers have been mesmerized by the idea that a blind masseuse, who wanders the lands of the Tokugawa Shogunate, is more lethal in a pinch than any gang of outlaws, in-laws or scofflaws could ever hope to be. More than that, Ichi attempts to live as humble, kind and honest as others will let him and is a time-bomb of explosive fury over injustice and cruelty. To modern, cynical audiences this may seem a bit too saccharine, but in the gifted hands of now legendary actor and filmmaker Shintaro Katsu, it never crosses that line from being a flawed hero to being a pious preacher. As a matter of fact even with changing directors, writers and co-stars, the series lasted a total of 26 films with only a handful of missteps. 25 of the films were made from 1962 to 1973 and even during that time there were many filmmakers, both Asian and Western, who fell under the influence. Ranging from blatant rip-offs such as the BLIND OICHI series (released to Western audiences inexplicably as CRIMSON BAT) to, ironically, the traditional Western reinterpretation of the Samurai film, the Western.

1969 saw a series of what is arguably Japan’s most popular knock-off of Shintaro Katsu’s character, Oichi the blind swordswoman, played by Yoko Matsuyama. In the first film of the four-part series, CRIMSON BAT: THE BLIND SWORDSWOMAN (1969, aka BLIND OICHI STORY: RED BIRD OF FLIGHT), directed by Sadaji Matsuda, we are given the grim introduction to Oichi as a little girl. After being abandoned in the forest by her mother, a prostitute who’s current boyfriend wants her to ditch the kid, a bolt of lightning comes crashing down in front of Oichi, blinding her and leaving her sobbing on the ground. Years later she has found her grandfather who tells her that her mother is running a brothel in a northern city, only to be cut down by the swords of a criminal gang that he was once a part of. As we all know, great, kindhearted masters of martial arts do nothing but wander around the countryside looking for people who are have been victimized, so that they may nurse them back to health and teach them the ways of the martial arts so that they may set out on the road to some well earned revenge. So our scruffy master, does what all scruffy masters do best and we flash forward some years and find that Oichi has grown in to a lightning fast, sword-wielding harbinger of destruction.

You’d think from here, this being a rip-off, that Oichi would now march down that path between heaven and hell burning with the hellfires of vengeance. But not so fast! Not content to merely ape the semi-tragic nature of Katsu’s films, here there is nothing but grief for Oichi. Everyone she loves or even so much as kinda digs either abandons her or is murdered, the rest just try to kill her or take advantage of her. Her mother abandons her in the forest; her sensei knowing that he cannot return Oichi’s affection, leaves her in the middle of the night; her loving grandfather murdered. Even incidental characters try to rob, cheat and rape her. On her path northward she runs afoul of evil gamblers, the leader of which is a female bolas-wielding croupier and a man who’s orphaned daughter has been sold into prostitution. She eventually does find her mother, but instead of a tearful reunion with a nice reparation and resolution that you would find in an American film, here the tearful meeting is an unspoken acknowledgement and the scent of death in the air. Many subplots and plot-twists later, we find that those that mess with Oichi do not end well, yet neither does Oichi, who, as the narrator gravely intones at the end of the film “Oichi went away on the cold wintery wind, carrying with her her sword-cane and a great deal of loneliness… Her sightless eyes filled with tears”. Yeah, it sounds a little over-melodramatic, but this is 1969 after all and seriously, if I have to choose between that happy Hollywood horseshit and a little excessive melodrama, I’ll go for the later every time.

While the film is mercilessly downbeat, it does have a moment or two of levity such as a throw-away gag in which a blind masseuse wanders through a scene and is unceremoniously thrown out of it by a couple of hoodlums who give him a swift kick in the ass and mutter “damn masseuse!” Following a mere nineteen installments of the ZATOICHI series, I’d guess that there might have been a few peeps in the audience who were feelin’ that. What is really striking about the film is that in spite of its apparent low budget and imitator status, like the Italian horror knock-offs of the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, it goes to great lengths to be its own film. It makes the effort to wash the screen in striking visuals and colors; a scene in which Oichi and her sensei are practicing in the snow foreshadows her abandonment by isolating the two characters in a spotlight with inky blackness and white snow-flakes between them. Unlike Zatoichi, Oichi is possibly over compensating for her blindness by always being impeccably dressed and never pretending to be poor or submissive. The fight scenes are well choreographed, though seasoned samurai fans will no doubt leap forward to bring up examples of better, they are more than adequate with Oichi’s bright red robe and cane-sword adding a splash of kinetic visual appeal during the fights. Also Oichi’s fighting style is sort of a “drunken master kung fu” style that has been turned into “blind master sword” style. In combat, Oichi appears to be constantly off-balance, stumbling and falling in just the right ways to avoid her opponent’s weapons and slice the living bejeezus out of her enemies. Perhaps the filmmakers did not intend for this to be a “style”, but more of a way to create excitement by having her blindness putting her in imminent danger of falling into someone’s sword, but either way, it’s still interesting and unusual fight choreography that sets it apart from the massive amount of samurai outings of the day.

Like many films of the era, since TV was still in its infancy, these films were shot back to back and released in serial fashion. The second entry in the series, TRAPPED: THE CRIMSON BAT (again directed by Sadaji Matsuda), has Oichi, presumably hardened by the traumatic events of the past, seemingly embracing her life as a wandering cold-blooded bounty killer. Lingering around a small village, she runs afoul of a gang of cutthroats who are peeved about her poaching bounties on their turf. The thugs are headed up by a female Yakuza who wields a razor-tipped whip made of hair and as it turns out they are also in league with a corrupt governor who is extorting all of the food from the local farmers. Yep, you got it. That means lots of enemies to kill! There are several subplots, some of which are a little odd. In an early one we find Oichi living with a teenage girl who seems to be very attached to Oichi whose trust was gained by telling her that she was an orphan. There is a lot of physical touching and emotion between the two and it doesn’t take much to come to the conclusion that they are more than just friends. Like all of Oichi’s relationships things do not end well, but this time it is Oichi that pushes the girl away after finding out that she lied about being an orphan and was really just a runaway pretending to be kidnapped. This entry again rolls out the obligatory gambling sequences in which Oichi can “read” the dice by listening to them and an otherwise honest villager is fleeced by the Yakuza-run gambling hall.

Ditching the heavy pathos and most of the style, Oichi returns with a new director (Hirokazu Ichimura) in WATCH OUT! CRIMSON BAT. Largely dumping the pathos, stylized visuals and gambling scenes, this outing is more of a European cold-war / espionage type of film. Don’t believe me? Try this plot on for size! An elderly science guy has created the plans for a powerful weapon, which could change the balance of political power if they fall into the wrong hands. Of course they have been stolen and multiple parties will kill for it but our hero is the only one with the mad skills to get them back! Since this is feudal Japan, that science guy is a gunsmith and his McGuffin is a scroll on which is his latest formula for gunpowder. Even a circus knife-thrower turns out to be an assassin! Cue Henri Mancini score… or not. The film opens with a wounded rider being dragged by his horse. Oichi cuts him free as he drags by and as he dies, he implores her to take a scroll to its rightful owner. After that Oichi is beset by local thugs, assassins disguised as priests and a corrupt general who is kidnapping villagers and forcing them to manufacture and test his gunpowder. Oh yeah, and a couple of homeless kids. A wandering samurai who was a student of the gunmaker is also after the scroll. I say he “was” a student because in a lapse of logic that only the NRA could appreciate, he was expelled by the gunsmith and denied the marriage to his daughter because he killed someone. Ummm… Old dude. You are designing and making guns. You got about as much right to be pious as an ex-Nazi would be if he were made Pope. Ha! Like that could happen!

*ahem* Anyway, with so many people after the scroll, it’s a fair bet that a lot of ‘em will get to taste Oichi’s blade, and that is a bet you will not lose… even in a Yakuza-run gambling hall. Heavy on the action, Oichi is a flat out killing machine at this point. She has a sense of justice, a sense of purpose and a weapon to make it happen. While this is something of a departure from what makes the series a cut above (yeah, yeah, I can see your eyes rolling), at the same time, it’s pretty damn fun. The ending fight sequence is straight up 15 minutes of Oichi and two ronin cutting down an entire army in an explosives testing facility. In the end, this time Oichi isn’t abandoned by anyone and actually turns down the companionship of a man who admires her. Never mind that it’s the very same man that tried to rape her in the middle of the movie!

The final entry in the series, CRIMSON BAT: WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE (again directed by Hirokazu Ichimura) finds Oichi with a bounty on her head – no doubt the government was a little pissed about having their army decimated in the last film – turning the hunter into the hunted. A small fishing village is being evicted from their land by the government who wants to build a major port there. The corrupt officials are actually swindling the fishermen out of the gold the government has provided as compensation and are trying to use brute force to throw them out. Meanwhile three bounty hunters (a wandering ronin, a master of sickle and chain and a hulking ex-monk) team up to take down Oichi who happens to be in town. After rescuing a woman, and herself from being raped, things get ugly as Oichi tries to save her own skin and eventually even the score for the fishermen. Along the way there she is framed for murder, falls for the ronin and gets into a little obligatory gambling. This is probably the most straight-forward of the series. The score is very modern, there is very little tragedy and the ending is ridiculously upbeat, particularly compared to the endings of Sadaji Matsuda’s entries. Plus there is plenty of action to go around. The action sequences mimic ZATOICHI’s quite a bit now as Oichi fights with a sheathed sword as long as she can, only resorting to killing her opponents if absolutely necessary. No longer the proud bounty hunter of TRAPPED, Oichi is now more of a humble traveler. Well maybe "humble" isn't quite the right word as she is still decked out in flawless fashion and doesn't kowtow to anyone. In addition to the contrasting styles of the two directors, it’s interesting to see the character arc from film to film.

While the series seems to walk the line between comic-book exploitation and tragic drama, it stands out of the pack as an entertaining and, ironically, unique series in the Japanese swordsman genre.

Zatoichi Goes West… NEXT!

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Blind Vengeance Week: BLIND RAGE (1978)

Welcome to Video Junkie's first ever theme week! We've often been accused of being the blind leading the blind, so what better way to start off than movies centering on the seeing impaired? Wait, blind folks can't see movies. Yes, we are a cruel bunch here. So get ready for a week's worth of reviews of flicks centering on the unsung and unseeing! For the inaugural entry, we highlight one of the odder bits of blind exploitation cinema (blindsploitation?) in...

BLIND RAGE (1978) - Banker Johnny Duran (Charlie Davao) gets a bank heist offer from criminal Lew "My friends call me Wilbur" Simpson (B.T. Anderson) that is too bad to be true. Simpson wants to have five blind men rob a bank in Manila of $15 million dollars. Why? "No one would ever suspect blind men of robbing a bank!" Well, I guess that settles it. They assemble the global blind crew - Triad member Lin Wang (Leo Fong), US gangster Willie Black (D'Urville Martin), magician Anderson (Dick Adair), Filipino Ben Guevara (Tony Ferrer) and blind matador (!!!) Hector Lopez (Darnell Garcia) - and get trained by teacher for the blind Sally (Leila Hermosa) in a bank mock up. Seriously. The job goes off perfect before Ben is suspected by local cops ("Hey, I've got this blind guy in my files") and he quickly provides cinema's quickest ratting out of partners ever. Everyone expect Duran is killed in a huge explosion (their next grand idea was to sneak into the airport by hiding inside a partially hollowed gas tanker actually carrying gas!). Duran makes it to Los Angeles at the 70 minute mark where private eye Jesse Crowder (Fred Williamson) is waiting to take him down.

And you thought THE MIRACLE WORKER (1962) was the top blindsploitation title? You have to hand it to the filmmakers though as they went all out. It is not every day you see a film that makes the bank robbing dogs concept in THE DOBERMAN GANG (1972) look credible in comparison. Yet you have to admire them because not only do they roll with it, but they make quite possibly the best exploitation film they could with such a ridiculous concept and follow through on it. I mean, there is seriously a line where Duran says, "Alright, let's start by synchronizing your Braille watches." The crooks could have had the same success rate and saved some time if they just barged in with guns a blazin' rather than take the time to train a bunch of blind guys. You also have to love any film that has the gall to include a blind guy rape attempt followed by two blind guys duking it out.

The film is all over the map - literally, as they shot in the US, Mexico, Japan and the Philippines. Well, at least Charlie Davao got some free trips out of it as he is shown wandering those locales. For all we know, the rest could have been shot in Utah (although a majority of it appears to have been shot in the Philippines). I'd love to hear the financing stories on this. The filmmakers also gather up a pretty stellar exploitation cast. First up is VJ favorite Leo Fong. Fong had done a few cheapo action vehicles in Manila already and he actually gives the best performance as a blind guy (his stilted acting working in his favor?). He gets to throw down before he is blinded by having acid thrown into his eyes. His blind highlight is shooting a woman during the bank robbery because she makes a noise and then he apologizes. Other highlights include D'Urville Martin showcasing some Dolemite-inspired Spastic Fu © Rudy Ray Moore and Filipino legend Tony Ferrer getting his eyes drilled out.

Top billed Fred Williamson shows up as an afterthought, only appearing on screen for about ten minutes. Sporting a one-piece blue jumpsuit and his trademark cigar, this marked the third time Williamson played the Jesse Crowder character (previously seen in NO WAY BACK and DEATH JOURNEY, both 1976). One can only imagine what it would have been like if he had played a blind character as well. So if you are having an itch for a movie about blind bank robbers, go straight to BLIND RAGE. It is truly one of a kind and the best (only?) entry in this subgenre. You really have to see it to believe it (ah, boo yourself!).

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The Gweilo Dojo: MAXIMUM CAGE FIGHTING (2006)

Be it shame or finances, Jun Chong stayed off the screen for 15 years after the routine and silly STREET SOLDIERS (1991). But with the rise in popularity of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA), Chong found an avenue of return with...

MAXIMUM CAGE FIGHTING (2006) - No doubt Chong spent the interim teaching at his Tae Kwon Do school in Los Angeles, CA and was probably doing a pretty good job at it. In 1995 he took on a student named Jason Field (who, incidentally, was born about an hour from me in Virginia Beach, VA) and, as with Philip Rhee, a creative relationship was born. With a script by Joanna Chong (I'm assuming she is his daughter), Chong's production got down one more time with this flick to cash in on the cage fighting craze.

I'm too tired to write out a synopsis, so here is what the back of the DVD case says:

Jimmy Garren, a former Tae Kwon Do world champion, is now retired and a widowed father to ten-year-old Katie. So when he's challenged by a famous cage fighter... and former rival Nick "the Nasty" Harper - to a fight, he refuses... until Katie is kidnapped by Harper's crew. With the match being the only way to save his daughter, Jimmy travels to Brazil to train with world-renowned MMA fighter Renzo Gracie for a deadly fight in the cage... that only one man will survive.

So how is that for originality - a martial artist is forced to fight in a tournament when a family member is kidnapped? Next you'll tell me his school was attacked and disgraced (it is!). I'm not kidding when I tell you this - Nick is still harboring a grudge from losing a Tae Kwon Do points exhibition match ten years earlier. You know, the kind done in a big hall with tons of pads on. Get over it, son! I've seen kids on playgrounds who harbor less of a grudge. Of course, what do you expect from a film where a diligent father swears to protect his daughter, only to have her kidnapped after he drops her off at soccer practice and falls asleep on the couch!

It looks like age has finally caught up with Master Chong. His hair is a bit thin on top now and he looks like a morph of James Hong plus Kris Kristofferson. He is still in pretty good shape for a guy in his 60s though. Sadly, during his final brawl with Nick's bad trainer Master Kim (Chul Jin M. Kim), you can see an obvious stunt double to do the flips and stuff. It is funny because they try to mimic Chong's balding on the double. I don't blame him for going the Jackie Chan route though as the last thing you want to tell folks is you broke your leg shooting a low budget shot-on-video flick. To the film's credit, they did actually shoot on location in Brazil for some of it.

Now, onto the main problem. One of my biggest beefs is how Hollywood filmmakers represent MMA. I'm not talking the "Rich folks get off on guys fighting in a drained pool for them" cliche of the 90s. I'm talking about how the sport is actually depicted on film. Only professional wrestling gets a worse portrayal in movies. For example, Nick the Nasty is so nasty that he actually killed a guy in the cage. Is he barred from the sport? Is he arrested? Nah! He is prepping for his big comeback and MMA magazines love promoting a guy who is a killer (see screencap). Who wrote this script? John "MMA is human cockfighting" McCain? Also, we never find out if Blue Steele's days are truly numbered. It is sloppy, lazy filmmaking to represent MMA so poorly. Frank "Embellish much?" Dux would even shake his head in shame at the fallacies. According to the filmmakers, the following can happen in MMA:

• You can snap a guy's arm with an armbar in 1 second
• You are allowed to grab the cage and flip off of it
• You can learn Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in roughly six weeks
• You can inject steroids into you and they will make you berserk
• Best of all, if you win three fights in the MFC organization, you get to challenge whomever you want, even if they aren't a professional fighter!

It is double disappointing when you realize they had Renzo Gracie, a member of one of MMA's pioneering families, on set. Then again, after his last fight with Matt Hughes at UFC 112, who knows where his head is at.

So when the dust settles, Chong emerges with a filmography record of 2-2. His first two productions were enjoyable thanks to the fighting, ambience and some unintentional comedy. It also helped that they came out during the awesome 80s. The last two suffered from weak set ups, wonky fighting and lack of good production values. It is sad when the biggest kick I get out of the flick is catching a NINJA TURF poster on the school's wall. Well, that and the quote on the DVD cover saying, "It will leave you wanting more." Indeed (in Lo Pan voice)!

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The "Never Got Made" File #9 - #13: Tobe Hooper

Tobe Hooper burst onto the filmmaking scene with some film called THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Never seen it, but I hear the remake is awesome. If you agree with that statement, kindly place your left hand behind your head and smash your face into the computer screen.

For a period of time, Tobe was THE man. He had a good ten year or so run from 1974-1986. But what is interesting about Hooper are the behind-the-scenes stories and cases of what could have been. I'm sure you've heard the POLTERGEIST stories and probably know Hooper was replaced on both THE DARK (1979) and VENOM (1981; Tobe, Kinski and Oliver Reed, ah, what coulda been!). Here we highlight some other projects that were announced with Hooper's involvement that never saw fruition.

Did you know RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD was original announced in the early 1980s to be directed by Hooper and was to be shot in 3-D? In a way, I'm glad this film fell apart. I'm sure it would have been good, but we would never have been given the gift of Dan O'Bannon's directorial debut.

Post-POLTERGEIST, Hooper hooked up with Cannon for a several picture deal. Titles that came out of this include LIFEFORCE (1985), the remake of INVADERS FROM MARS (1986) and the underrated sequel THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1986). Hooper was apparently going to direct a third sci-fi script by O'Bannon and Don Jakoby titled PINOCCHIO: THE ROBOT. While one would assume it would be geared towards children, it would have been interesting to see (and probably ended up a lot like A.I.).

Also, Hooper was associated with Cannon's never-realized SPIDER-MAN movie for a hot minute. Honestly, I think it was company policy for every director under their banner to be attached to this cinematic hot potato. Other guys attached to the project during the Cannon/21st Century years include Albert Pyun (THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER) and Joseph Zito (INVASION U.S.A.; THE PROWLER).

Hooper almost hooked up with Charles Band's Empire Pictures in the late 80s. Two projects were announced but never made - the adaptation of Gary (THE HOWLING) Brandner's ghost novel FLOATER and something called INTRUDER (not to be confused with Scott Spiegel's slasher). The artwork for INTRUDER offers little in the way of info, but one would think Hooper backed with Band's (soon to be non-existent) funding would have created something interesting. Instead Hooper went on to make SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION...yeesh!

Finally, feast your eyes on another late 80s project called DOUBLE VISION. It was based on a script by Mick Garris but never got made. Judging from the short taglines, this script is what Garris eventually turned into his short story "Chocolate," which appeared in the Hot Blood book series in 1989 and was eventually made into an episode of MASTERS OF HORROR.

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Acceptable Clichés & Moronic Deal Breakers

If you have been around the cinematic, or videotronic, block enough times, you will find that movies time and time again utilize certain clichés that stick out like a turd in a punchbowl. Some of them I’m fine with. These are what I call “Acceptable Cliches”; plot devices or situations that provide a launching pad for something cool that while utilized extensively in movies both good and bad, are not terribly offensive in and of themselves.

Others are “Moronic Deal-Breakers”; plot devices or situations that are so freakin’ lame that the rest of the movie has to work extra hard at being bad ass to bring you back from the brink of movie suckdom. These clichés are typically used and abused through sheer cynical, lazy filmmaking, though like every cliché there are noteworthy exceptions.

1.       MARTIAL ARTS FILMS

Acceptable Cliché: This kind of overlaps with action films, but regardless, I can totally live with a martial arts movie that uses the old-saw “you killed my brother/sister/family/second step cousin twice removed” or “humiliated my school of kung fu” excuse to launch a action-packed, bloody tale of one man’s revenge. Or woman, I’m not biased. Angela Mao can avenge my death any day. As long as someone’s been horribly wronged and is dishing out the vengeance, I’m cool. See THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSMAN (1967) and ONG-BAK (2003) for perfect examples of this wisp of a plot device acting as a catalyst for amazing action.

Moronic Deal Breaker: There are a couple, but this is my main throw-my-remote-across-the-room deal-breaker: The insipid “small, agile hero fights the big, fat, stupid guy” routine. Stars who are really capable of very impressive martial arts scenes like Jackie Chan and Jet Li have all fallen into this trap at one point or another. “Oh no! A huge fat guy is attacking like a brontosaurus in a tar pit!” Our hero scampers around, lays out a flurry of attacks while the hulking mass of blubber stumbles around, throwing wild haymakers in slow motion, bellowing with rage and confusion as our nimble hero ducks, doges and leaps to safety. This scene, at least in most films, invariably features some sort of humorous tomfoolery where our hero ends the fight with a groin shot, kick in the ass or bucket over the head. A perfect example of this can be found in THE BIG BRAWL (aka BATTLE CREEK BRAWL, 1980). An example of a movie getting a pass on this is THE STORY OF RICKY (1991), if only because our hero punches the lumbering oaf in the stomach and pulls out a bloody handful of intestines, unintentionally turning the cliché on its ear.

2.       ACTION FILMS

Acceptable Cliché: The loner, loose-cannon cop is going to take down the mob/dealers/dirty cops/serial killer/whatever. This is an acceptable launching point for a masterpiece of the genre such as MAGNUM FORCE (1973) or just an action-packed, stunt-filled corker such as SHAKEDOWN (1988). As long as the filmmakers don’t get carried away thinking that cliché is going to keep the entire movie afloat, it is totally acceptable. One too many trips to the chief’s office, too much time spent brooding over the partner’s demise or god forbid an animal is somehow factored into the plot and that movie is headed to the dog-house. At no point should this cliché overshadow the hard action and gritty dialogue.

Moronic Deal Breaker: I was tempted to go with “The Hitman with a Heart of Gold”, but I think I’m going to have to go with “The Abandoned Refinery”. It was a tough decision, but if you’ve seen enough low-budget action films from the ‘80s and ‘90s, you know it’s the right one.

Aside from the prologue, the entire film takes place in an abandoned refinery. I really I hate this cliché. Your movie better kick some serious friggin’ ass if I’m going to sit through more than 10 minutes of guys running up and down ladders and cat-walks taking random pot-shots at each other. I don’t give a flying crap how many times someone falls over a railing in slow-motion, I better see some goddamn exploding heads and ninjas and shit. A wise fillmmaker will use this money-saving cliché sparingly and creatively, only as a small portion of the action locales or it factors directly into the plot. Films like NEMESIS (1992) and THE NINJA MISSION (1984) pull this off with aplomb.

3.       HORROR FILMS

Acceptable Cliché: The unseen/unstoppable stalker/killer. I’m pretty sure I can’t even count as high as the number of films that use this cliché. There's like some factor of Pi in there somewhere, I'm willing to bet. I'd need people who would never read this blog to figure out what that is.
From the Old Dark House movies that have been around since the silent era to the Italian Giallos to the American Slasher movies of the ‘80s (though the killer was frequently seen in those films), this is the Pam Anderson of horror plot devices. Easy, well used and rough around the edges. Films like SUSPIRIA (1977) use it in conjunction with the occult and a barrage of bizarre visuals and music to deliver a film that completely transcends its humble “a killer is stalking a dance studio” premise. Also you can have the theme amplified and streamlined such as in RITUALS (1977) which sets precedent by having intelligent, educated adults being stalked through the woods and gruesomely picked off one by one. Because of the way the film builds tension to the breaking point and delivers disturbing shocks, it never seems to be a simple stalk n’ slash. On the other hand you have William Castle’s OLD DARK HOUSE (1963) which not only fails to deliver any of the campy fun punctuated by the occasional bit of truly twisted shocks ala HOMICIDAL (1961) but leaves the viewer waiting for that unseen killer to strike again just to alleviate the tedium.

Moronic Deal Breaker: This was another tough choice: “Ethnically Diverse, Horny Teens” vs. “Half-Assed Undead”. I think I can deal with the teens as long as something really bad happens to them (man, it’s a short ride from here to “get off my lawn, you damn kids!” isn’t it?).
If there is one true way to ruin a zombie movie, it’s zombies that look like normal people with nifty contact lenses acting like they are wild animals. No seriously. Look at them! They are making “roawr” sounds, hunching over and making claws with their hands. That’s fucking lame! All manner of low-rent, post-28 DAYS LATER (2002), zombie fare has this half-assed, cynical approach to the subject matter. I’m not even going to get into the whole “fast-moving” vs. “shuffling” thing, that’s not the point. The point is that if your zombies do not look like they were dead at some point, you suck. Not only did DEAD AIR (2008) give us the cheapest looking zombies ever (don't even start with that "technically they were 'infected'" crap) and threw in a tedious, cheap and not remotely believable plot, so-bad-it's-just-bad dialog, simplistic uber-patriot soapboxing and annoying, badly acted characters to get my vote as one of the worst zombie films ever. Contrast that with Bill Hinzman's FLESHEATER (1988). It is super-low budget but even so makes a decent effort in the make-up department and scores as a minor classic of sorts. Why? Because it's unintentionally hilarious, gory and trashy, plus it's pretty damn amusing that this is how Hinzman decided to capitalize on his minor fame as the zombie who was coming to get Barbara in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968). Not to mention the fact that he's got a bucknekkid zombie chick and writes a scene for himself to grope some topless talent. Can't beat that.
ZOMBIELAND (2009) had the big bucks to do some crazy cool zombies, but couldn’t really bother to take its zombies seriously. “But it’s a comedy,” I hear you say. Ah yes, but so was RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985) and there were so many diverse types of zombies that it takes multiple viewings to catch them all. Even the generally disliked Bryan Yuzna sequel RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 (1993), whatever it’s faults, provided a variety of gristly zombies that looked nothing like some over-acting extra with torn-clothes and a little blood splatter. 

4.       SCIENCE FICTION FILMS

Acceptable Cliché: “Aliens are trying to kill us!” Of course we know this to be true, but that still doesn’t make it any less of a cliché. The thing of it is, more often than not, the well-trodden path of xenophobia makes for entertaining cinema. Films like ALIEN (1979) are slick exercises in xenophobic terror. It’s an old horror film in a futuristic environment, nothing more than a bottle of Everclear; throat-searing moonshine with a purdy label. Films like X-TRO (1983) took the concept and wrapped it in a surreal, drug-induced haze of strangeness and Baltimore filmmaker Don Dohler arguably popularized the modern post-STAR WARS (1978) alien invasion motif with an entire penal colony of aliens terrorizing the local yokels in THE ALIEN FACTOR (1978). Whether the aliens are attacking us because they need our women, want to have Christmas or simply because they are just bloodthirsty, conscienceless killers, there is absolutely nothing wrong with well-placed fear of furiners.

Moronic Deal Breaker: Since I can’t use the same answer as Action Movies (“it’s the future! Abandoned refineries are the future!”), it’s got to be the “we’re too broke and lazy to come up with a cool futuristic environment, so we’ll have our hero go back in time to present day”.
What? You gotta be kidding me! Weak! Ok, fine. So how do we know our hero is from the future? He wears wrap-around shades and has a lot of product in his hair! A movie saddled with this cop-out has to work balls-out double time to recover from that weak crap. The best example of a movie getting away with that scot-free is TRANCERS (1985). Only a trench-coat clad, laser-gun armed, soft-focus shot Tim Thomerson could pull of what is admittedly the lamest of cheap plots about a cop from the future chasing down a criminal from the future who is controlling the minds of present-day suburbanites. Not only does Thomerson and Charles Band (of all people) make it happen, but does it so well, he was able to cash-in with five wretched sequels that deliver every drop of mono-dimensional tedium missing from the original. Very few others manage to even come close. Yes, yes, I know, I know there’s that one movie directed by that one guy who is currently very proud of his puerile blue aliens… We don’t talk about him.

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The Gweilo Dojo: STREET SOLDIERS (1991)

As quickly as my love affair with Jun Chong films began, so it ends with his third production...

STREET SOLDIERS (1991) - The Tigers and JPs are two of the whitest gangs you've ever seen and they rumble hard because JP leader Priest (Jeff Rector) and Tiger associate Troy (David Homb) both have the hots for Julie (Katherine Armstrong). Priest, fresh off a five year prison stint, dated her as a teen and thinks they are soulmates because they got tattooed together. Seriously. And this guy is the gang leader of the bad guys! Troy's buddy Chuck (Joon B. Kim) gets his uncle Master Han (Jun Chong) to teach the gang some martial arts in a one minute montage. When Julie is kidnapped and Chuck killed, it is time for one more montage (mountain climbing included!) before the final siege of the JP's headquarters.

You know you are trouble when the first scene in your inner city gang flick has two white boys discussing whether or not they are going to go to the high school dance. This is rough, rough stuff. I'm kicking myself now after I looked up the filmmakers because director Lee Harry's only other credit is SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT part 2. Yes, the film reviled as one of the worst sequels of all-time. Harry, who also co-wrote, seems to think he is making a martial arts WEST SIDE STORY. But he adds all the stuff that classic was missing like weak drive-bys, stick ball and a disturbing gang rape scene. Of course, this is a film so wrong headed that it has one teen going on and on about how cool the flea market is. "I thought it was just a place for old folks and kids trading baseball cards," he excitedly exclaims after a montage showing the amazing wares on display.

STREET SOLDIERS also totally lacks in the acting department. I'm not saying TURF or ASSASSINS had Oscar caliber performances, but those folks at least looked liked they were having fun. Lead stud Homb looks like Tim Robbins short brother and is the most decent of the folks. He was previously in the horror flicks WITCHCRAFT II and THE CHANNELER (alongside Dan Haggerty and my main man Richard Harrison). And if you think the "Garbage Day" acting in SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT pt. 2 is bad, wait until you see the stunningly awful performance of one Jeff Rector. Take a gander (he's the one with the cross earring and raspy voice):

Rector actually still works to this day in B-movies and has even produced and directed a few cheap-o flicks. He has a twin brother, Jerry, who is also an actor. I'm sure Jerry is really freakin' pissed.

Chong produces once again but doesn't have student Phillip Rhee around this time to help do the action so the film suffers greatly. Director Harry has no idea how to shoot a fight scene so even if Chong can still deliver the kicks, chances are you won't see them properly displayed on screen. Excellent Korean martial artist Hwang Jang Lee (from DRUNKEN MASTER; billed as Jason Hwang) is completely wasted as his final showdown against Chong is horribly edited and Harry keeps cutting back between it and a brawl between Priest and Troy. Did I forget to mention that Lee is also forced to walk around with a rubber snake around his neck and pretend that it is real.

So while I give both NINJA TURF and SILENT ASSASSINS enthusiastic thumbs up, I can only shake my head at STREET SOLDIERS. It says something when the biggest laugh I get comes from the opening credit "And Jay Richardson as Wheelchair Willie." Maybe it was the dried up direct-to-video action market or Chong's embarrassment, but he stayed out of movie producing for the next 15 years. More on that in part 4...

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The Spy Who Flubbed Me: INNOCENT BYSTANDERS

Could it be possible that in 1972, after a mere seven installments, the world could have been getting a little weary of James Bond?

The previous year Sean Connery made his first of two returns to the character in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971), after the otherwise capable George Lazenby botched the job ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969). Even before that, the same year that the fourth Bond film, THUNDERBALL (1965), saw the light of day, Sidney J. Furie released his single masterpiece THE IPCRESS FILE (1965) which made a major effort to turn against the glib, glitzy adaptations of Ian Flemming and instead go for a gritty and realistic secret agent film with oblique camera angles and paranoid atmosphere. Again, that very same year, Lindsay Shonteff started his series of low-budget secret agent outings with LICENSED TO KILL (1965), which walked the line between aping Bond and satirizing him. Only a few scant years later the careening train-wreck CASINO ROYALE (1967) spoofed the then seemingly long-in-the-tooth series with over-the-top star-studded slapstick and way too many directors. This was the same year that Alberto de Martino came up with the brilliant plan to not only send up the James Bond films, but to do it with the help of Sean Connery's real life brother Neil Connery in OPERATION KID BROTHER (1967)! Does the genius of Italian exploitation filmmakers know any bounds? I think not.

So after all that here we are in '72. Where do you go from here? For Director Peter Collinson, coming fresh off of Hammer's PSYCHO (1960)-inspired STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING (1971), it's all about busting those 007 cliches while keeping a hard stare and a, for the most part, straight face. Based on James Mitchell's 1969 novel Collinson makes it his mission to go for a gut-punch espionage thriller with some weird touches of humor that are drier than 007's martini (provided mainly by the always fascinating Donald Pleasance).

Stanley Baker stars as John Craig, an aging, washed-up British Department K secret agent who was brutally tortured by the KGB in his last assignment. Unfortunately for him, he knows far too much to be allowed to retire into civilian life, and there are too many pencil-pushers working in the offices already. Because of this his department head, Donald Pleasance in one of his superbly eccentric turns, decides to give him one last shot at glory. The CIA wants to get their hands on a Jewish scientist named Kaplan who has recently escaped from a Russian gulag. Department K wants to get their hands on a particular document that the CIA has, and have decided that the best way to get it is to grab the scientist and make a trade. That is where Craig comes in. He is to find Kaplan and hand him over to Department K in exchange for a peaceful retirement while the two young hotshot agents (Sue Lloyd and Darren Nesbitt) act as decoys for the KGB, who looking to reclaim their prisoner. Of course this is nothing but a screw-job designed to leave Craig riddled with bullets and Kaplan safely in Department  K's hands.

Collinson seems to take great delight in portraying members of the intelligence world as either severely broken or outright twisted people. Nobody in the film is smooth or remotely well adjusted. Pleasance's turn as Loomis is stiff, arrogant and pompous to the point of caricature; Baker is quite convincing as a man who has been damaged beyond repair, but still has the wits and experience to allow him to barely squeeze through the tightest of spots and Nesbitt turns in a wonderfully slimy performance as a nasty, petty sociopath in a three-piece suit. Even the side characters are damaged goods; the contact that Craig uses to get to Kaplan is a frail, seemingly insecure young woman (Geraldine Chaplin) who has deep issues that are only alluded to, particularly when she puts the moves on Craig. Warren Mitchell, a veteran British actor with decades of British film and TV work under his belt, shows up as a Turk who spent most of his life in Australia and in spite of being a somewhat tongue in cheek role is no less a mentally scarred killer. The only character who appears to be somewhat intact is the CIA head, Blake (Dana Andrews), who strangely comes off looking far more professional and in-control than his British counterparts. That said, even he reveals a nasty side where he appears very eager to get into some serious torture when a more psychological approach is available.

Collinson keeps this collection of misfits on a short leash and drives the plot along at a brisk pace, throwing in nice little twists, great character bits and enough action to keep it from slipping into a political drama. This was Mitchell's final book in the four volume series starting with "The Man Who Sold Death" in 1964. It's a shame that this never became the launching pad for a series or at least inspired the adaptation of more books in the series, it would have been great to see Baker reprise this role at least once before his untimely death in 1976.

Collinson's career is one of those roller-coasters that may occasionally hit bottom with insufferable misfires like YOU CAN'T WIN 'EM ALL (1970) and PORTRAIT OF AN ASSASSIN (1976) but easily wins us back with outstanding films such as THE ITALIAN JOB (1969) and this one, INNOCENT BYSTANDERS.

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The Gweilo Dojo: SILENT ASSASSINS (1988)

Well, it looks like the NINJA TURF principals finally graduated high school as Jun Chong and Phillip Rhee re-teamed in...

SILENT ASSASSINS (1988) - Cop Sam Kettle (Sam Jones) was this close to leaving L.A. with his girlfriend Sara (Linda Blair) before his chief tells him, "We need you." I'm not kidding, they were literally packing the U-Haul when the chief showed up. Seems bio-chemist Dr. London (perennial old man Bill Erwin) was kidnapped by Kettle's nemesis Kendrick (Gustav Vintas). Tagging along with Sam on his investigation is Jun Kim (Jun Chong), whose niece was kidnapped along with the doctor during the chaos. The duo learn from Oyama (Mako) that Kendrick has hired an elite Japanese killing squad and, with help from Oyama's son Bernard (Phillip Rhee), our heroes attack the secret hideout before Kendrick can secure a chemical weapons formula.

This is a step up from NINJA TURF as it has better production values, a name cast and explosions. Yeah, I'm easy. The cast actually seems to be giving it their all. Chong appears to have aged 15 years in the period between this and TURF, so he finally looks his age. But his fighting skills are still in top shape. As with the earlier TURF, all of the fights are very well done. Chong and Rhee handled the choreography and this is probably the best aspect of their low budget action flicks. Is it on the level of 80s Jackie Chan? No. But they do show some skill, especially during the final siege, where we also get an impressive exploding body. Rhee split from Chong's movies after this flick to go star in the highly successful BEST OF THE BEST series.

Jones, Flash Gordon himself, seems to be having fun in the role, not taking anything too seriously. The same can be said for Rhee, who is a dojo playboy this time around. Blair is featured on the cover brandishing a gun but her role is as the helpless girlfriend. She disappears completely from the picture around the 50 minute mark. Even worse, she doesn't show off her biggest assets despite an odd lovemaking scene halfway in. Karate legend Bill "Superfoot" Wallace also returns from TURF and gets a cameo as a deceitful Colonel but they never show his face! Given the cliff hanger ending, I suspect they were hoping for a part 2 with him as the lead villain.

Also, like TURF, there is some really odd/funny stuff going on in SILENT ASSASSINS. For example, Vintas - a dead ringer for Tom Noonan - always carries a red rose for some reason. His assistant Miss Amy (Playboy Playmate Rebecca Ferratti) is a hoot too, stating "Don't forget, I'm a bio-chemist too" while clad in the 80s worst leather dresses. There is also a hysterical bit where Dr. London displays the fragility of 80s computers as he shows a glitch of one model (if you flip over the keyboard, it will explode!). And then there is Dr. London's strange habit of always holding the kidnapped child in every shot. Creepy!

By far the most amusing thing about the movie is that these silent assassins are the loudest mofos around. Silencers on their guns? Hell nah! Any time they sneak up to kill someone, they let out a huge scream before attacking. So, like NINJA TURF with its lack of ninjas, producer/star Chong again fails to deliver on the title's promise. Clip of some not-so-silent assassins going to town on Mako; was the bookcase bit really necessary?

Stay tuned for part 3 to see how Jun Chong fared in his Rhee-less years!

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Gotterdammerung Epics: PATHFINDER (2007)

I know, I know, the rest of the planet thought this movie sucked, but then again, the rest of the planet loved NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 6, DIE ANOTHER DAY, TERMINATOR III and tons of other insufferable Hollywood crap, so what the hell do they know? I guess it got kinda cool for a brief moment to make sword n’ sorcery movies again. No complaints out of me, I’m perfectly happy to watch steroid-addled, long-haired manifestations of a testosterone-engorged id, separate motherless curs from their component parts with a mighty sword of legend. Seriously. What’s not to like?

A Native American woman stumbles across a half-destroyed Viking long-ship and a slew of dead bodies within. Among the dead a young boy, the son, as we soon learn, of a great Viking warrior who was part of a larger raiding party that was travelling from village to village doing what the Vikings of lore did: Pillaging, looting and enslaving. You’ll notice I didn’t say “raping”, as this film decides to eschew that reality in favor of more bloodthirsty antics. Some might decry this as being “PC” or playing it safe, but it really is unnecessary in what is basically a fantasy action movie. Fifteen years after being taken in by the Native American tribe, Ghost (as he is called, presumably because of his skin color and not because of what he does to his enemies) finds his tribe slaughtered, their carcasses left to be torn apart by the dogs in a scene that strongly echoes a similar scene in CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982), but actually ups the gore quotient. This sets him on a path of revenge.

Thick with gothic Mario Bava-esque visuals and somewhat reminiscent of the sword movies of the ‘80s, the film plays like an Italian rip-off of APOCALYPTO and 300. The Italians never liked to be constrained by the limitations of the films they were exploiting, neither does this. Like the aforementioned studio films, PATHFINDER is based on a legend that is based in reality. Archeological and anthropological evidence shows that around 1000 BC Viking ships landed on North American shores some 500 years before Columbus sailed the ocean blue. There are two Icelandic sagas, The Saga of Eric the Red and The Saga of the Greenlanders, that refer to the discovery of this “Vineland” and a 1960 archeological dig backs up the Nordic scribblers. Now, knowing that, what sort of movie would you make? A highly stylized, ultra-gory fantasy flick? Hell yeah, you would! The visuals, while inspired by APOCALYPTO, are incredibly atmospheric with layers of detail, gnarled black trees, mountains of skulls, mist, fog, snow and smoke providing atmosphere so thick you could cut it with an antler. In spite of the fact it is a gory fantasy yarn, a lot of attention was paid to the accuracy of the Indian villages and the deliberate, over-the-top inaccuracy of the Viking warriors who are portrayed as cruel, sadistic, hulking brutes who’s black eyes and ornate armor make them more like monsters than men. Again, this is fine with me as they make a great group of villains. Their voices are deep and guttural and they speak only in Icelandic (with subtitles) which is a really cool touch. Veteran badass Clancy Brown totally steals the film as the grizzled leader of the Viking hoards, without careening into campiness as he is want to do. Admittedly our beefcake lead, Karl Urban is pretty bland, but after the first half an hour, it's all non-stop action and extremely violent action at that. Did I mention it was gory? Some of the blood spray is done CGI, however it’s done much better than most and even so most of the graphic gore is the real prosthetic stuff. I don’t cotton to them “fantasy lite” outings like the sanitized, sissified 1997 adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s brutal and dark Kull series, so this is a welcome antidote.

Director Marcus Nispel, best known for the tepid and pointless remakes THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) and FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009), has been chosen, no doubt on the merits of this film, to helm the forthcoming CONAN THE BARBARIAN remake. It’s really a shame because like TEXAS CHAINSAW, there is no way to remake a classic genre film of this caliber and have it do anything but pale in comparison. Particularly dismal is the casting of Baywatch pretty-boy Jason Momoa as Conan; this fodder could be cranked out by anyone. I’d much rather see Nispel make another original film so at least I can know whether PATHFINDER was a fluke or the glimmer of untapped talent.

Being a sucker for violent sword n' sorcery flicks and films that make an effort to create a detailed fictional world that drips with atmosphere in general, I really enjoyed it. The film operates on it's own logic and there's no comic relief, no hipster-friendly anachronisms, no glib one-liners. Definitely the thing to turn off a modern audience. As far as I can tell, judging from the reactions of others, audiences expected something dramatic and somewhat pretentious like  APOCALYPTO (which is unfortunately exactly what the trailers imply) and were turned off by the uber-stylized violent exploitation film approach. Then there is the "serious" film scholar who cannot tolerate anything that is not a mega-budgeted Hollywood "thinking man's film" (except of course for the dubious claims of enjoying French New Wave films) shrieking their bandwagon-jumping disapproval in much the same way BLADE RUNNER (1982) was railroaded by the "serious" crowd for being "noisy" and "muddled" (who have all done a complete 180 now that it is fashionable). Not that this is anywhere near as misunderstood or as brilliant as BLADE RUNNER was, but the sime thrill that some people get from jumping on the hate wagon is easy to see here. I’m sure the rather forgettable title didn't help either. Your mileage may vary, but for my money this is easily the best sword-wielding flick of the decade.



This is the Promotional Trailer that was used to gain backing for the film. In spite of the fact that it's not cleaned up with professional titles and voice work, it actually does a better job of setting up the film than the studio cut trailer.

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The "Never Got Made" File #6, #7 and #8: Sho Kosugi

With all this talk of ninjas, it wouldn't be right to leave out Master Ninja himself, Sho Kosugi. You couldn't throw a ninja star in the 1980s without hitting some kind of Kosugi related ninja movie in the theaters or in the works. Here are three announced but never made Sho Kosugi features.

DEVIL'S ODDS: AMERICAN TRINITY - Man, talk about a case of "What coulda been" cinema! Sho Kosugi teaming up with legendary Paul Smith (POPEYE; MIDNIGHT EXPRESS). If the flick had delivered on only half of what the preliminary art from the mid-80s promised, it would have been a classic. And for you Sept. 11th conspiracy fans, note the image in the background.

WAY OF THE NINJA - If you were salivating at the thought of Kosugi teaming up with Paul Smith, your head might explode to think he almost made a film with KOJAK himself, Telly Savalas. Listed Executive Producer Moshe Diamant had previously worked with Kosugi on PRAY FOR DEATH (1985).

HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY BROTHER - Finally, if you wonder who put the "sho" in showmanship, it was Mr. Kosugi. Here is an unrealized starring vehicle for his two sons, Kane and Shane, previously seen kicking butt alongside dad in NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA (1985) and PRAY FOR DEATH (1985). This looks like a tough war drama and what better place to get a title than a late 60s pop ballad? Reasons for it not being made could include child labor laws, sensible parenting or lack of interest in the children's war epic subgenre.

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The Gweilo Dojo: NINJA TURF (1985)

Chances are you've never heard of Jun Chong. After all, how could one even notice this pint sized ass-kicker in the era of guys like Schwarzenegger and Stallone? Born in 1944, Chong began training in the martial arts at an early age and was well versed in Tae Kwon Do by the time his family emigrated to the US. He opened his first Tae Kwon Do school in the late 1960s. With the onslaught of 1970s kung fu chic (thanks mostly to Bruce Lee), Chong's business thrived throughout the decade with the instructor gracing the cover of martial arts magazines left and right. Chong even gave cinema a try as the lead in the Bruceploitation flick BRUCE LEE FIGHTS BACK FROM THE GRAVE (1976). By the time the 1980s rolled around, Chong had been studying martial arts for nearly 30 years. And with flicks being offered to every other guy who could throw a kick, it seemed only natural that Chong would get back on screens. But this time Chong did it on his own terms as he took to producing his own action flicks.

NINJA TURF (1985) - Young (Chong), Tony (Chong student Phillip Rhee) and three friends start up a security business and this results in them getting in fights a lot. The main plot doesn't kick in until an hour has passed when Young steals a ton of drug money from a client who hired them ("It was bad money and I would put it to a good cause"). Naturally, the dealer wants it back so he hires two assassins - Japan's Yoshida (Ken Nagayama) and New York's Kruger (Bill "Superfoot" Wallace) - to retrieve it and teach the boys a lesson.

Chong's first foray into producing is an odd, yet enjoyable 80s action flick. Odd in the sense that it has no plot for the first hour and that lead tough guy Chong spends a lot of time crying about his drunk mom not loving him. Oh, and like the previously reviewed RUSSIAN TERMINATOR, there is some wonky retitling going on here as there isn't a single ninja in NINJA TURF (its original title was LOS ANGELES STREETFIGHTER). And, oddest still, in that Chong, who was in his 40s when this was shot, is supposed to be playing a high school student!?! Initially I thought there is no way he could be in high school. Maybe it was community college. But sharp-eyed junkie head Tom spotted this:

The supporting cast is sprinkled with familiar faces. Brinke Stevens shows up as a drug dealer's girlfriend and supplies the film's only nudity. In addition, future stars Thomas Wilson (Biff from BACK TO THE FUTURE) and Loren Avedon (KING OF THE KICKBOXERS) have small roles as gang members. Perhaps the most famous co-star in this day and age of the internet(s) is Mark Hicks. Hicks is a member of Young's crew (aptly named Mark) and he achieved internet superstar notoriety as the famous Afro Ninja, the guy who attempts to do a flip with some nunchaku and falls on his head. I'm sure you've seen it. Here he is crying about his birthday:

And while NINJA TURF is filled with plenty of unintentionally hilarious bits like this one above, the film has a certain appeal. Director Woo-sang Park (under the name Richard Park) directs the action scenes well with a focus on the marital arts talents of the leads. In fact, this might be some of the best U.S. action choreography from that time period because they shot it in the style of Hong Kong martial arts flicks with an emphasis on long takes and complex routines. Chong and Rhee would re-team a few years later on SILENT ASSASSINS (1988), to be featured in part 2 of this retrospective.

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The "Never Got Made" File #4 and #5: Dueling Siegfrieds

Both ads here are circa 1982. I wonder what could have possibly spawned such an interest in sword and sorcery films with musclebound protagonists? ;-) Yes, the effects of CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) were felt worldwide and, naturally, the Italians jumped on the genre quickly. Of course, leave it to the Italians to go wayyy out there and adapt an act from Richard Wagner's opera DER RING DES NIBELUNGEN (THE RING OF THE NIBELUNG) in order to cash in on the CONAN craze.

SIEGFRIED THE NIBELUNG lists one Peter Newton as the director. That is, of course, the pseudonym for Joe D'Amato and chances are this project morphed into ATOR THE INVINCIBLE of the same year.

THE SWORD OF SIEGFRIED had the irascible Lucio Fulci listed as the prospective director. Again, this specific project did not materialize, but Fulci did get his fantasy freak on with CONQUEST as short time later.

One has wonder if legal technicalities played into the changing of both from SIEGFRIED projects to regular sword and sorcery projects. Ha, like that would ever stop the Italians!

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