Well, here we are at the end of the road. Our “week long” coverage of Indiana Jones and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK rip-offs has lasted an astounding 34 days. We pride ourselves on trying to present the most thorough overview online, but there are still titles (JUNGLE RAIDERS, TREASURE OF THE AMAZON, BIKINI JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF EROS [oh boy!]) that will pop up later on the blog. Hopefully in 100 years when our grandchildren are worshipping Wyld Stallyns some adventurous future video junkie will discover our coverage and learn something (and probably say, “What losers!”).
Of course, what better way to wrap up the coverage than to peek into the world of the porn parody? We previously covered Indiana Jones parodies here, but the porn genre is quite a different beast. Namely because you see folks getting nekkid and doing it for the camera, something HYSTERICAL (1983) was (thankfully) lacking. Porn send ups are tricky because 85% of the time you will only get a semi-clever send up title attached to a film that opts not to spoof its namesake in the least. The porn industry was quick to jump on the RAIDERS remake train with the introduction of Indiana Joan in 1984. Three films (INDIANA JOAN AND THE BLACK HOLE OF MAMMOO [1984], INDIANA JOAN IN THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE [1989] and RETURN OF INDIANA JOAN [1989]) were made with the character. Not sure how “faithful” they are to the source material as copies were unavailable for review. Other Indiana Jones porn knock offs include the Private Productions INDIANA MACK (2000), INDIANA MACK II: SEX IN THE DESERT (2001) and the Ron Jeremy starrer SAN FERNANDO JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF POON (2000). Even the gay industry got in on the action with RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARSE and the amusingly titled sequel RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARSE: THE MUMMY’S HAND.
The business of pornsploitation took a big leap in the new millennium with studios like Adam & Eve, Hustler and Vivid producing films that copied major movies in both title and content. CAROLINA JONES AND THE BROKEN COVENANT is Adam & Eve’s attempt to cash in on LucasFilm’s 2008 last drop wringing…er…anticipated sequel INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. Even funnier is the film attempts to be a true sequel, dealing with events from RAIDERS and one of Indy’s offspring. And let’s just say this one is far more appealing than Shia “Must Have Some Major Blackmail Material” LaBeouf. The film takes place 25 years after the events of RAIDERS and opens with Carolina Jones (Ava Rose) exploring a cave. She, naturally, happens upon a couple having sex on an altar with sacrifice Dixie (Bree Olsen) tied down nearby. Carolina saves Dixie by drilling into the man’s skull (apparently this cave has an electrical set up) and throwing a spiked dildo into a monk’s mouth (really!). Carolina and Dixie return to a hotel where they get a telegram that reads “covenant has been broken…find JB…love, dad.” Who is this mysterious father?
Carolina Jones shows her treasure(s):
Using Dixie’s hitchhiking skills, the duo head to the home of one John Brody, Carolina’s former lover (and one assumes the son of RAIDERS’ Marcus Brody). The guards (including a guy with a long ponytail) prove no problem as Dixie screws one to allow Carolina the opportunity to sneak in. She finds the blindfolded Brody tied to his bed (as he was just having sex too, duh!) and gets the pertinent info out of him by pouring hot tea on him. Seems Brody told Nazi Clause (Aron Laszlo) the secret location of the Ark of the Covenant and he is now hiding in Israel. Are Nazi’s still around post-WWII? And is Israel the best place to try and hide? Carolina vows to stop Clause and then, for good measure, she pours honey on Brody’s penis and smashes open an ant farm to unleash some hilarious CGI ants. Man, if I had a dime for every time one of my ex-girlfriends did that to me.
Beating Cannon’s Indy-influenced adaptation of KING SOLOMON’S MINES (1985) to the punch by a year and a half, perceived erotic filmmaker Just Jaeckin released his own version of “King Solomon’s Mines” and watched it fly over (under?) the heads of American audiences. I say “perceived” as Jaeckin himself, naturally, doesn’t feel he should be pidgeon-holed by that label and sees this film as an exercise in comedy. Whatever. As a critic at the time noted in his review of the film, his name really should be “Just Jaeckin Off”. Don’t get me wrong though, this movie rocks.
The basic premise is an innocent girl, Gwendoline (Tawney Kitaen), and her world-wise female valet, Beth (Zabou), have travelled to the mysterious orient of the quasi-1940s to find her father. Her father went missing on an expedition to find a rare, legendary butterfly and Gwendoline is determined to find him. To do so, she convinces Quatermai – I mean, Willard (Brent Huff), a scurrilous, black market trader and all around salty character, to help her out. After trekking through jungles and desserts, and being captured by natives, they find a lost city, not of gold, but of white stone populated by women who are ruled over by an oppressive dictator.
Based on the notorious underground comic strip “Sweet Gwendoline” by John Willie (John Alexander Scott Coutts), Jean-Luc Voulfow script for GWENDOLINE was extensively re-tooled by director Jaekin, who felt there was no humor and too much sado-masochism. Really? S&M in a script based on bondage art? Huh... damnest thing. Where Voulfow’s script left off and where Jaekin’s vision picked up is hard to say, but as it stands the film is loaded with mid-‘80s exploitation value, just in its themes alone. GWENDOLINE beat INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM to theaters by several months (although it didn’t hit US shores until a year later), effectively pre-dating it’s ‘40s era Shanghai location. It also throws in martial arts fights (which, of course Willard wins with good ol’ American haymakers), shoot outs, kidnapping, rescues, verbal sex, gambling, voyeurism, bondage, fantasy torture, domination, cross-dressing, gladiator fights, objectification, imprisonment, and a plethora of other fetishes.
While fetish heavy, the film is light and fast paced with great action including what is possibly the best hero entrance ever: Gwendoline and Beth are tied up in a crime-lord’s office above a gambling den. A grappling hook flies through the wooden-blinds of the office window and embeds itself in the boss’ throat followed by Willard smashing through the slats and swinging into the room. Never mind that in order to swing on the grappling line into the room, the hook would have to be embedded on something at least one story higher, not in the same room, but whatever. Maybe he fixed up a pulley system outside before making his entrance. It could happen.
In the year it took for the film to reach US shores, it got run through the mill as it were. The film was heavily edited with many of the sequences in the lost city shortened and much of the silly French humor removed (particularly any scene where a woman slaps a man). Uncut and widescreen is definitely the way to go here. On the other hand, I kind of like the US title THE PERILS OF GWENDOLINE IN THE LAND OF THE YIK YAK. It’s appropriate as the film is a sexy, deviant riff on the cliffhanger serials that inspired Indiana Jones, and the novel that inspired the serials. It's sort of like FLESH GORDON (1974), except much slicker, sexier and pulpier. It’s like a metal band covering an older pop song. It should be crunchy and loud with a sense of mischievous fun and if it doesn’t offend someone, then it wasn’t done right.
If you only had one hour left to live, you’d probably want to spend it reading our Indiana Jones knock off reviews because they have lasted an eternity! Here we are finally winding down our coverage this weekend with a look at the rarest of Indiana imitations – the female ones! Yes, producers left no stone unturned when it came to squeezing any juice from the LucasFilm franchise.
Director Matt Cimber (born Matteo Ottaviano) started his directorial career in the 1960s with sexploitation titles. He moved deftly to blaxploitation in the 1970s with titles like THE BLACK SIX (1973) and THE CANDY TANGERINE MAN (1975), alongside perhaps his best known film THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA (1976). With such exploitation prowess, you just knew he would be hitting the big titles in the 1980s. He started off with HUNDRA (1983), a female CONAN THE BARBARIAN rip-off starring Laurene Landon in the title role. The following year he reunited with Landon for deliciously Jones-ian titled YELLOW HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD, an odd combination of western and Indiana Jones.
Hitting you over the head with the serial influence, YELLOW HAIR opens with some rowdy kids in a theater watching the opening of the film. We are introduced to all of the main characters as onscreen titles give you their history. The heroes are Yellow Hair (Landon), the Apache woman warrior, and her pal the Pecos Kid (exec producer Ken Roberson). Cue cheers from the kids. Then there are evil mute Flores (Aldo Sambrell) and the main villain Col. Torres (Luis Lorenzo), who is described as “ruthless…greedy…and…” insert Torres doing a prissy stance to suggest he is gay. Cue laughter from the kids. Yep, it is going to be one of those kinds of movies.
The film jumps right into the action as Flores leads a team to the fortress of gold guarded by the Tulpan tribe. They arrive using a deer horn with a map on it taken from the captive Pecos Kid, but are at a loss as to where the temple is once they arrive at the designated point. In the mountains they see some of the Tulpan, who have quite possibly the worst supernatural power of all-time as they can turn into statues. They attack the prospectors with some foam rocks before capturing all but Flores, who gets away with a solid gold arrow in his leg. Proof there is gold in them thar hills. Then, in a bizarre choice for a kiddie flick, the Tulpan torture their prisoners, going so far as to cut one man’s eyelids off and dip another in a vat of gold and then lop of his head.
Time to intro our heroine Yellow Hair by having her beat the snot out of one of her fellow Apache tribesmen in apparently a courting ceremony. It shows her toughness and gives Landon an excuse to show off her wrestling moves from ALL THE MARBLES (1981). Rape apparently “is the Apache way” says her adoptive mom Grey Cloud. Yellow then mentions how Pecos had been by recently and mom checks her gold stash to find out a piece is missing along with the horn map. So mom tells Yellow she must bust out Pecos and get the items back so she can pass successfully to the otherworld when she dies. Wait, how does she even know he is locked up? Like I said, it is one of those kinds of movies. Yellow heads into town to break Pecos out, which is a long process that involves Pecos yelling “Yella!” a lot (he sounds like he was dubbed by Earl Owensby) and Col. Torres getting grabbed in the crotch even more. Yup, nothing finer than some "grab the crotch = high pitch voice" humor.
Following the escape, Flores manages to somehow beat them to Yellow’s camp and kill her mother, who left a note for Yellow and Pecos to speak to the “Man Who Knows.” Thanks for the vague hint, ma! Apparently they know who he is because they meet him and he looks like Randy “Macho Man” Savage circa 2009. Apparently his name should be the “Man Who Knows Exposition” as he lays out the story of a Tulpan princess who fell in love with his old partner, a Texan with yellow hair. Hey, I think Yella just found out who her real parents were. Our duo heads to bar to retrieve the gold from floozy Rainbow and this allows Pecos to display the worst poker face ever. Seriously, he is dealt four 8s and a 9 and immediately stiffens up in his seat, grinning wildly. Of course, it won’t matter as you know a brawl will break out after Yellow gets the gold nugget back from the Jurgen Prochnow looking bar owner.
Our duo then head off to Mexico, with Flores again beating them to a location and knowing exactly where they will stop. This leads to a big stagecoach chase, which mirrors the truck bit from RAIDERS. It is some full circle imitation since Lucas and Spielberg patterned their famous sequence after the stagecoach chases from westerns. The pursuit abruptly ends when – I kid you not – the bad guys stop to check on a fallen comrade trampled by the horses. That’s a first. Pecos and Yellow make it fortress of gold and she opts to live here with her people. Of course, we know we can’t trust them and, after Pecos leaves with some gold, the tribe tries to cut out Yellow’s heart as a sacrifice. Pecos knew something was up though, so he pops back in and opens fire with his rifle, the sound of which causes the cave to collapse (look closely to see the Styrofoam in the sets as they fall apart). Our heroes then make it to a nearby town where they are confronted again by Col. Torres. Then, in one of the most baffling choices ever, the film ends with the duo trapped by enemy fire and then offers “scenes from the next exciting episode.” So, yes, the film has no ending. At least Cimber was optimistic about the film being successful (it wasn’t).
A first time viewing for me, this is certainly one unusual flick. On the plus side, the film benefits from some gorgeous locations in Spain and has some nice photography (sadly, the Rhino DVD I viewed improperly displays the widescreen photography at 1.78:1). Landon is decent in her lead role and there is plenty of action. On the downside, the film is just full of too many dumb plot holes, which is pretty terrifying when you know how simplistic the plot is. I actually wish they had gone a bit more into the RAIDERS rip-off territory as the last half is where the film shines the best. And they are totally trying to be like RAIDERS. In fact, Cimber even gives Yellow some whip cracking bits during the stagecoach chase and the trailer on the disc has the narrator boldly claim “she’s the female Indiana Jones says the Film Journal.” I wouldn’t go that far. She’s more like the female Allan Quatermain. Wait a sec…
Wrapping up the modern adaptations has been fraught with peril more perilous than any of the perils Pauline ever had to face. You’d think in this age of fast-paced, action oriented, mega-budgeted action vehicles that it would be a no-brainer to throw a fedora on a well-groomed head and retread the steps Cannon took to re-invent the turn of the century adventure piece via Indiana Jones. Not so easy as it turns out.
In 1986, the Australian Burbank Film Company decided that the world was crying out for an animated adaptation of “King Solomon’s Mines” suitable for the whole family. The BFC made a career of sorts from ’82 to ‘88 cranking out a slew of literary adaptations of Charles Dickens, Jules Verne, Mark Twain, Robert Louis Stevenson, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and many others. To be fair, the idea of doing an animated adaptation of such things as Homer’s “The Odyssey” and Alexandre Dumas’ “The Man in the Iron Mask” is not really inherently bad. What is bad is the fact that BFC decided that nobody would want to see an animated adaptation of a literary classic unless it was done with the sensibility of a poverty-stricken Hanna-Barbera, except without the sense of irony or drug-culture hipness.
Combining the two glorious achievements of complete bastardization and skid-row animation, BFC gave us a version of “King Solomon’s Mines” complete with a Germanic villain (see how far Cannon’s influence spread?) in lederhosen and a rather disturbing flashback to the Biblical era. In this flashback King Solomon is shown hoarding away his vast wealth in a labyrinthine cave so that no one else could touch it. Because he feels she is too greedy, he decides to entomb his wife in with the gold as she screams and begs for her life. We aren’t told which wife this was, but since most accounts indicate that he had a plethora (seven hundred, according to the western bible), it’s obviously not a big deal. The main cruxt of the story has Quatermain, Good and Curtis searching for Good’s brother as in Haggard’s novel, but adds comic attacks via hot air-balloon and other slapstick sequences (such as one villain being bonked on the head with coconuts) that would make a four-year old cringe. The only thing more amazing than the fact that they were able to pawn off this paste bauble is the fact that they did it with 37 different films in a mere six years!
In 2004, HBO films decided to take a crack at Rider’s epic with a three hour adaptation titled KING SOLOMON’S MINES. With Patrick Swayze in the lead role and the deep pockets of HBO, you’d think now is the time to get our adventure on! Never mind that the story was keeping the re-tooled formula of the 1950 adaptation with a woman in the wild, this is gonna be great! Hell, the woman in question is Allison Doody, who as we all know had her brush with the progeny of this literary classic in INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (1989)!
You want action? Adventure? Hemmingway-esque machismo? Forget it! You get what HBO gives you bitch, and you’ll like it! This tedious chore of a film starts out on a bad note with the first title card reading “Hallmark Entertainment”. Brace yourself! This is gonna hurt.
Since the entire concept of the safari is distastefully un-PC, we need to make sure that we establish Quatermain as a sensitive ‘90s male… even though it’s not the ‘90s anymore. While taking out a boorish, fat, loud jackass on an elephant hunt, issues arise. The fat man wants to shoot anything that moves and is particularly keen on shooting at the herd of female elephants. As anyone who’s never been laid knows, females are sacred temples of life that should be worshipped and protected with as much chest-thumping as possible. Here Quatermain declares with a righteous fervor that females are off limits and they will continue to track and hunt a male as per the contract.
After being cold-cocked by his own partner (because they are being paid a lot of money), the hunter takes some wild shots into the female elephants and their floppy-eared toddlers while giggling maniacally. We haven’t even reached the punchline for this pre-credit sequence and you can already see that the next three hours are going to be about as much fun as a prostate infection. When Quatermain comes to, back at the camp, he gives a huge stirring speech about how there is nothing in the world more dangerous than a wounded female elephant. They are mothers and their instinct is to protect their offspring and if they are wounded they know who did it and they will hunt that person down... and will not stop until you are dead! Ok, so I added that last part but still, it’s a hell of a moment. After making the big speech our douchebag hunter chuckles at the silly man with a lump on his head and walks into the bush to drain the main vein. Suddenly he notices something hiding, peeking at him through the foliage. It’s the mother elephant just waiting to pounce! Really. Seriously, I am not making that up. The elephant snuck up on the camp like some sort of four and half ton ninja and hid in the freakin’ bushes! The elephant goes on a rampage through the camp and stops short when faced by Quatermain whose sad eyes look into her sad eyes, the strings swell and the elephant slowly lays down and dies. The strings swell even more as Quatermain tears up and says “sorry girl”. Are we done now? Can I go home?
Ok, so now that we have that shit out of the way, we’ve set the stage for Quatermain to be the sensitive big-game hunter, so now we can get on with some awesome action, right? Right? Ha! What were you thinking? Now it’s time for a dramatic scene in which Quatermain decides to leave Africa and return to England to see his estranged son. After much sensative man-love between Quatermain and his native buddies, not to mention swelling strings... Now it’s time for some action! Oh, wait, no. No, now it’s time for some heavy drama between separated father and son with lots of hugging, eye-watering and disapproving grandparents. Ok, now it’s time for some – oh fuck it, never mind! As if the never-ending sappy-ass drama wasn’t bad enough, Quatermain is now a wine connoisseur (complete with swirling and bouquet sniffage) and his quest to the mines is made because he, the cultured white man, must stop the local political factions, the ignorant natives, from using it’s treasure to finance their military regimes! Ok, that tears it. Sorry, I refuse to sit through the rest of this crap. “But you are like some totally anal, completist movie nerd of doom” I hear you say. Yeah, ok, so I did fast-forward to see if I missed anything remotely action oriented, but, sit through this for the sake of posterity? Hell no. The line has to be drawn somewhere and this is it. I’d rather sit through some damn Asylum crap than this wannabe Lifetime Network special.
In 2004 TNT debuted their first film in a trilogy of successful Indiana Jones knock-offs, THE LIBRARIAN: QUEST FOR THE SPEAR. Inspired by the popularity of the 2004 uber-RAIDERS plagerist NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS (not reviewed here simply because of who it stars), the TV movie was mostly Indiana Jones with liberal doses of HELLBOY (2004) and, erm, NIGHT AT THE MEUSEUM (2006) which it predates. In 2006, the sequel, THE LIBRARIAN II: RETURN TO KING SOLOMON’S MINES, saw the affable, not entirely macho Flynn Carsen (Noah Wyle) return as the archaeologist who is working for a secret organization who keeps magical antiquities out of the hands of bad guys in a secret basement in the New York library.
In the opening sequence Carsen and his ummmm… “native” guide are trying to grab the mythical Crystal Skull from the hands of black leather trenchcoat wearing ruffians in the Utah dessert. Clearly these guys aren’t the sharpest spades in the dirt as it is a desert… and they are wearing black leather coats. However it does provide for a rather well shot chase sequence with our heroes on horseback and the villains throwing dynamite at them from their motorcycles and dune buggy. Oh, and yes, that is the same mythical Crystal Skull that another more well pedigreed archeologist went looking for in Peru in 2008. Jesus, how un-freakin'-original was that wretched sequel anyway?
Anyway, in spite of the Native American sidekick being about as subtle as Eddie Anderson’s Rochester routine, there’s plenty of action, big camera shots and a good, solid sense of adventure. Doubly so when the setting switches to Cairo where machine-gun toting mercenaries chase a professor who is carrying the location to the secret mines of King Solomon. Directed by veteran TV director Jonathan Frakes, best known for his role as Riker on the relentlessly melodramatic “Star Trek: Next Generation”, there are actually a lot of things to like about this movie. The cast is for the most part good for a TV movie, with Bob Newhart being the stand-out as Carsen’s boss. Sure Bob is doing the same shtick that has served him well for decades, but it’s still entertaining, particularly when the alternative is the comedy involving the fact that the relics that Carson retrieves all develop a life of their own when ensconced in the Library. Yeah, the comedy is goofy TV stuff and the CG effects are pretty low-rent and over-used, but believe me, I have seen worse.
If you are looking for fast-paced, light-weight Indiana Jones-esque adventure, this will certainly fit the bill. While this is definitely the Bud Light of the subgenre, as opposed to the Guinness that is RAIDERS, at least it’s not the American hefeweizen (served with orange slice and Virgina Slims) that was the Swayze version. Proceed at your own peril.
You hear that sound? That is us scrapping the bottom of the barrel as we wind up our Indiana Jones knock off spectacular. You know things are getting rough when we tackle Canadian Indiana Jones rip-offs! Ha, I kid our loveable friends to the North as they make exploitation movies as good as the rest of us. And while they jumped on the Jones bandwagon rather quickly, this is, sadly, not one of their good exploitation flicks. This made-for-pay TV feature started life as FALCON’S GOLD but then got the decidedly more RAIDERS-ian title of ROBBERS OF THE SACRED MOUNTAIN.
The film opens in Mexico in 1931 with some monks guarding a sacred treasure. Some banditos arrive to steal it, but the crafty monks get away and hide the plate-size gold medallions in a volcano. Brother Juan is the only one who survives the journey and he is saved by some Indians. Cut to 50 years later as archeologist Christopher Falcon (John Marley) is contacted by a friend to verify an unusual piece. Seems some random dude has one of these ten precious ornaments and – in the mother of all exposition speeches – Falcon explains how the center of the discs is made from pieces of a meteorite that can shoot freakin’ laser beams. Naturally, this is a hot commodity amongst local villains as Falcon soon finds out when assassins attack him and the treasure holder at a museum. The unlucky owner is stabbed to death, while Falcon is sliced in the calf with an axe (but not before Marley gets some licks in; a true sight to behold). Falcon is saved by British reporter Archibald “Hank” Richards (Simon MacCorkindale), who has been incessantly hounding Falcon for an interview. Archibald? Yeah, he might be a Brit.
Obviously indebted to Richards, Falcon asks him to pick up his granddaughter Tracy (Louise Vallance) at the airport in exchange for an interview. Wait a sec, you saved his life and now he is asking for more favors? Richards picks up the school girl outfit clad Tracy, but the duo is quickly kidnapped via the old “gassing in the back of the limo” trick. The orchestrator of this abduction is a Mexican super villain with the Hispanic challenged name of Ivar Murdoch (George Touliatos). He visits Falcon in the hospital and demands an expedition to find the remaining treasures in exchange for the release of his granddaughter. Of course, Murdoch doesn’t count on the cheeky Archibald, er, Hank escaping via clever use of a gas line and Tracy’s skirt. Later, in a completely incongruous bit, we find out why Murdoch wants these gold plates as he displays a high tech laser beam for various heads of countries. He blows up a satellite, which effectively shuts down all the power in the city. How exactly a satellite can cause cars to die in traffic is beyond me.
Falcon can’t let a super villain with an odd name find the remaining discs so he organizes an expedition into the jungles of Mexico. Since Falcon is incapacitated, Richards offers to go and the team hires guide B.G. (Blanca Guerra) and troublesome Tracy sneaks onto the team disguised as a Mexican chef (in a disguise that makes her look like the Frito Bandito). So we are off onto (as the VHS box claims) “a thrilling jungle adventure for mysterious treasure.” Naturally, B.G. is double teaming the group and working for Ivar, but Richards turns a blind eye since she is always getting it on with him. The group makes it to the monastery from the opening, but the monks have no idea where the treasure is. Cue Tracy finding a mysterious key and a crazy old guy who will tell the story of what happened to Brother Juan. So Richards, B.G. and Tracy decide to head down river to find the Indians but they are captured by Murdoch’s men. But suddenly they are saved by some of the Indians we keep hearing about. What stand up dudes! The Indians then force Richards to square off in a loin cloth against one of Murdoch’s men in a fight over a pit of flames. Not so cool dudes.
Naturally the guy named Archibald prevails when it comes to a tough man contest. Ha, just kidding, he is saved when Falcon arrives via helicopter. Damn, dude, I thought you said you couldn’t travel? In the village our team finds a spot where Tracy’s acquired key fits and, wouldn’t you know it, it forms a map to the location of the volcano where the remaining treasure is hidden. Our group heads to the mountain and proves to be the luckiest treasure hunters ever as the volcano is erupting and said the resulting shaking reveals the location of the hidden gold plates. They get away, but soon find Murdoch waiting for them. Gee, I wonder if the good guys will win this one.
The face of viewers while watching this:
Sorry if that review is a bit long on scene description, but there is really not much to say about this routine flick. Director Bob Schulz was a technical director on '70s sitcoms like GOOD TIMES and THREE’S COMPANY and this is the only feature he ever directed. It is obvious why as this is pretty flat all around. There is just nothing in the way of thrills here. You know you are in trouble when the film’s highlight is a dummy falling from a helicopter during the climax (see pic to the left). The IMDb lists this as being based on a story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, but the film itself does not. I can’t find any corresponding story in his bibliography, so I suspect it is an error. The cast is fine but MacCorkindale is an odd choice for the Indiana Jones-esque role. He is verrry British, so much so that I could see Michael York (who MacCorkindale slightly resembles) meeting him and saying, “That is one smarmy sounding bastard.” Guerra, who you might recognize from SANTA SANGRE, delivers the film’s nudity, which is unusual for a TV production (gotta love the open minded countries). Marley is good in his role and it is a hoot seeing him jump into a boxing stance and throw some punches during one of the early fights (see pic below). His stunt double that looks like Alex Trebek circa 1986 then gets some work in. If you haunted video store aisles in the 80s, ROBBERS OF THE SACRED MOUNTAIN is one of those titles you probably saw all the time and passed up. You’ve survived this long without seeing it, so no need to see it now.
Nearly 20 years after the last cinematic adventure of Mr. Quatermain, the time was right to bring him back to the silver screen. 1965 had seen Hammer Films release an adaptation of H. Rider Haggard’s most popular book SHE with international success, in no small part due to the casting of Ursula Andress as the tit-ular character (oh, stop groaning!).
Low-rent, high-concept uber-producer Harry Allan Towers apparently decided not only was the time right to exploit Haggard's work, but all three of Haggard’s great novels in one fell swoop! I’m not sure what Towers was planning to do for a sequel, not leaving himself much to work with if the need arose, but I suspect he figured that he’d burn that bridge when he got to it. Apparently he was not the only one high on the idea, as Towers managed to assemble a reasonably impressive cast of not-quite A-list English actors and signed on Canadian-born, British TV director Alvin Rakoff. Uh oh, did I say “TV director”? That can only mean one thing... this well-trod ground might be a bit more parched than usual.
The story is told in flashback by the senior member (Wilfred Hyde White) of an English gentleman’s club in a scene that looks as if it was completely lifted by Ngai Kai Lam for the opening of THE SEVENTH CURSE (1986). Allan Quatermain (John Colicos) is shown hunting a taxidermied leopard that is poking it’s head up and down behind some rocks. Quatermain moves in for the kill and… hey, it is a dude in a dead leopard skin! Quatermain shoots him, grabs his spiffy medallion and heads back to jolly old England. Sir Henry Curtis (David McCallum) examines the medallion back at the gentleman’s club and declares it to be Phoenician. He decides that an expedition is in order to find the origins of said medallion and that all the chums should jolly-well do it. John Good (Patrick Macnee) wants nothing to do with another one of Quatermain’s hare-brained adventures but is roped in after losing a game of billiards. Supposedly Good is along for the ride as the navigator, but clearly seems to do little more than use the group as guinea pigs for his experiments in French cookery. This is the ‘70s after all and French cooking was a hot pop-culture topic… ten years ago.
Once in Africa, after being attacked by Good’s recipe for Hungarian goulash with “a trifle too much pepper”, the party is attacked by natives! Before you can say “poor man’s ZULU”, servants are being stabbed by spears, white men are ducking and a covered wagon careens over a rock and explodes in a ball of flame! Ummmm… I guess that was the dynamite cart. Right Alvin? Showing up out of nowhere is Quartermain’s old friend, the axe-wielding Umslopogaas (the ever reliable Ken Gampu) to hack the crap out of the bad natives with his army of good natives. In one “wtf” moment, two natives are shown rolling around on the ground with one biting the other one on the thighs and ass. For a minute there I was wondering if I had gotten the right film in the mail!
For some reason the persistent thought kept nagging me, “why wasn’t this in 3D?” Man, it would have been perfect and a great way to fix the damn walking scenes! Granted in one of the scenes they discuss wine pairings to keep you riveted to the screen and throw in more yuks such as a monkey stealing a priceless bottle, chugging it and belching. Phew! Comic relief, you are a cruel mistress. Admit it, a wine chugging monkey would be much more entertaining in 3D. Plus, cheesy monsters, I think, demand 3D. When the party get their boats stuck, by chance they also happen upon a surprisingly lumpy brontosaur. After a stroke of brilliance, they decide to tie ropes to their boats and to the bronto’s tail and then scare it into moving. A feat which is only achieved by whistling with a blade of grass. It seems a shame that if you are going to do a claymation dinosaur scene, they couldn’t think of something just a bit more interesting to do. C’mon, I’m not expecting Harryhausen here, but honestly, if Scott Speigel and Sam Raimi can make it happen on Super 8, I'll be turning a deaf ear to Towers’ excuses.
As if to make up for that rather dull dino scene, the party are attacked by a hoard of giant crabs with glowing eyes! One snaps a claw around Curtis’ leg. Umslopogaas hacks the entire claw off and Quatermain throws it away! What the hell dude? Man, you have a French chef and a giant crab claw. Do the freakin' math! You and Curtis have been bitching about the food the entire trip. What are you thinking? Eh, maybe they were out of butter.
I’d guess that centuries of inbreeding and isolation has left her a couple asps short of a moat, as the queen decides to make Curtis to choose between her undying loveor a cryptic map to the hiding place of Solomon’s infamous stash. Curtis doesn't hesitate for a second to leap at this once in a life-time opportunity to get filthy rich! Suddenly the priest decides to stage a coup with his squad of plumed leopard dudes, just as the volcano over the city begins to erupt. Man, did they steal my 6th grade science project? Baking soda, red food coloring and vinegar, right? This is easily the highlight of the film as the city falls apart and citizens run directly under falling masonry while our chums idly try to decipher the clues to the location of the gold. Interestingly the location of the treasure is revealed by the sun hitting a crystal which focuses a beam of light on the correct obelisk which is covered with Egyptian hieroglyphics. Ok, so it ain’t exactly the Tanis Map Room, but damn the similarity is pretty damn eye-brow raising.
This is certainly not the best adaptation out there, but it managed to hold my attention, mostly due to the cast and rampant silliness. At the same time, the ridiculous amount of padding and general uneventfulness of major portions of the film really make this something I can’t really rave about. I think the most disappointing thing about the film is the casting of John Colicos as Quatermain. He doesn’t need to be a pretty-boy like Stewart Granger, but damn, he looks more like a cranky plumber than a rugged adventurer. Even so, that would be fine if he had some decent acting chops or some screen charisma, of which he has neither and is constantly outshone by every one else in the cast. Brother, if you are the lead and David McCallum is stealing your scenes, there’s something seriously wrong. Clearly these video companies felt the same way:
Outside of Brody’s mansion, Carolina breaks down what is going on to Dixie. “My father is Indy Jones,” she says, to which Dixie responds, “No way! That famous race car driver?” Carolina also reveals that Brody is her one and only lover. This absolutely stuns Dixie, who offers, “No wonder you are so tense. You’ve got a pussy. Use it or lose it.” Carolina takes this sage advice to heart as she immediately gets it on with the bellhop at the next hotel. Did I mention she has a tramp stamp? Eventually our duo makes it to Israel and – in a plot move odd even for porn – Dixie’s ex-fiancé Alex shows up out of nowhere. The three of them are quickly captured by Clause’s men and he presents the sacred ark to use “zee pow-her on zee twee of ewe.” Damn, that ark sure got smaller. Things look hopelessly bleak for our trio before Indy Jones hisself kicks open a door and unleashes a can of whip whoop ass. All is well as Clause dies and thick accented Indy is reunited with his daughter. But things need to be patched up between Alex and Dixie and Carolina knows the only way – a threesome that begins with her come on line of, “Now, who wants to find my Holy Grail?” No, I’m not kidding. 
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