Gotterdammerung Epics: SOLOMON KANE (2009)

Michael J. Bassett is one of those bubbly young filmmakers who talk endlessly of their love for genre films and can’t seem to translate that enthusiasm into anything that stands as a classic in it’s own right. Not like Danny “I’m the biggest ‘Judge Dredd’ fan ever” Cannon (yes, I’m still bitter), more like a Stephen Norrington Syndrome, or maybe a Paul W.S. Anderson Disease. They are successful in The System, unlike true visionaries like Richard Stanley and Mariano Baino who’s passion make them pariahs to the Hollywood Machine. Of course, in Stanley’s case, it may have also had something to do with him dropping acid on the set, but whatever, the point stands.

After Robert E. Howard was honored post-mortem by one of the finest testosterone-laden, blood and thunder fantasy films ever made in CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982), he was largely forgotten by everyone in Hollywood. Well, actually he was largely abandoned after everyone realized they could simply rip off CONAN. CONAN begat a sequel so bad, it even made me cringe, and I’m a guy who will cheerfully sit through the non-Joe D’Amato Ator film THE IRON WARRIOR (1987) on a semi-annual basis. In 1997 Mr. Howard would no longer be ignored as the decades of development hell finally ended and Howard’s grave was pissed on by TV director John Nicolella with KULL, in which Howard’s most violent and dark anti-hero was turned into a goofy, foppish nancyboy courtesy of Kevin Sorbo. The good news is nobody has seen fit to give Nicolella one red cent to direct a movie since. I guess there is justice in the world after all.

After firmly declaring the under-appreciated PATHFINDER as the sword movie of the decade, along comes SOLOMON KANE. I have to admit that I have never read the poems and stories, but I was a big fan of the comic book back in the day. I know, some Robert E. Howard fan I am. The comic-book incarnations, mainly THE SWORD OF SOLOMON KANE, featured six issues from ’85 to ’86, all but two of which are directly adapted from Howard’s stories and poems. The art was as pitch black as the narratives and told the story of a man who has left a life of blood-soaked piracy behind and became a puritan after discovering that Satan has designs on his soul and means to get it, sending his minions after him, while Solomon travels the earth, fighting the evils of the sixteenth century. Solomon’s world is dark, menacing and fraught with death, monsters and evil sorcery. There are no rays of light through the clouds, just darkness and evil magic.

On finding out about Bassett’s film version I was skeptical, really skeptical. Like, I'm thinking it’s going to be DOOM (2005) with a sword, kinda skeptical. Sure Bassett was better news than say Eli Roth (like Eli Roth would know who the hell Robert E. Howard was), but who would give him money to do a movie based on a story that has a guy in a buckle-hat fight evil with a couple of swords and a musket? And take it seriously. Amazingly, long-time genre producer Samuel Hadida did just that.

Set in the 1600s (rather than the 1500s), the film opens with Captain Kane (James Purefoy) cutting a swath through Turkish armies in Northern Africa to claim the legendary fortunes of local lord. After finally making his way into the castle, his bloody crew are pulled into mirrors by demons and Kane finds himself trapped in the throne room with the desiccated body of the lord and a fortune in treasure. As he reaches for the treasure, the room goes cold and a wraith appears informing Kane that his time has come and he is here to collect the devil’s due: Kane’s black and evil soul. Naturally Kane doesn’t go quietly and ends up throwing himself out of a tower window. Years later we find Kane has been living in a monastery and has devoted himself to doing penance for his crimes. Unfortunately the Abbot feels that the devil’s minions will soon find him and he must leave the monastery to find his destiny. Kane heads out on a path back to his ancestral home, a place where he accidentally killed his boorish brother (Samuel Roukin sporting hair extensions that make him look an awful lot like Ade Edmondson in BAD NEWS). After being found, left for dead, by a puritan family, he discovers that, as they say, a great evil is upon the land. A sorcerer living in one of the castles of the region uses a hulking brute with a leather mask to enslave the local populace and kill those who are too weak for war. Why? Well, we never really find out, but presumably it is the Devil setting a trap for Kane.

Solomon’s world here is every bit as bleak as it should be. The skies are perpetually dark and either snowing or pouring down rain, on every tree hangs a corpse, over every hill is death and ashes. More of a series of vignettes  than anything else for the first two acts, Purefoy is absolutely flawless as Solomon Kane. Brooding, angry and wracked with guilt over his life of bloodletting, he elevates this movie to a level that it would have never achieved otherwise. You could accuse him of a monodimensional performance, but like many classic rock and punk bands, they may only be giving us three chords, but those are three freakin’ badass chords! The cast is rounded out nicely by Pete Postlethwaite as the head of the puritan family that finds Kane, and who’s death is a catalyst for Kane’s path of vengeance, Max von Sydow as Kane's father, and Mackenzie Crook as a priest with his own way of dealing with the evil in the land.

Bassett’s first film DEATHWATCH (2002) was one of a handful of WWII themed horror films to be released around the same time and while it was well shot and reasonably entertaining, it suffered from a somewhat predictable script and a weak third act. SOLOMON KANE proves Bassett still needs to work on this to grow as a filmmaker. The film, while tremendously entertaining, still suffers from the exact same malady. It doesn’t take much thought to figure out exactly where this movie is headed once the foreshadowing has been laid down. In addition to being somewhat predictable there is a general sense that it’s been done before. You could make a case that Bassett is giving nods to the classics of the genre, such as the crucifixion scene where Kane pulls himself down from the cross in almost the exact same way Lee Horsley does in Albert Pyun’s masterpiece of the genre, THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER (1982). It would also be easy to make the case that he is pulling a Tarantino and simply using someone else’s creativity in place of his own. In addition, the evil sorcerer’s throne room in SOLOMON KANE features a “wall of souls” that mimics Xusia’s infamous sarcophagus in the very same Pyun classic. Hell, the guy who gathers a small army to help Kane raid the castle (Philip Winchester) actually looks a bit like Simon MacCorkindale here!

You had me at "firesuit swordfight"

Probably the most damning thing is that I think Michael J. Bassett must share my film collection as the plot line of SOLOMON KANE could be summed up as “two brothers, one presumed dead, meet again in battle. The thought dead brother is the masked henchman of an evil sorcerer who hides in a castle spreading evil throughout the land,” which is the exact plot synopsis for THE IRON WARRIOR! Granted the movies approach these themes from completely different angles, but that feeling of sameness nags throughout the film in part due to this comparison.

Additional stumbling include the weak character of the villainous sorcerer Malachi (an amazingly uninspired performance by the overrated and over-used Jason Flemyng) who doesn’t even appear until the final minutes of the film and does so with an obligatory CGI monster. This adds up to a real failing in the final act. Getting there, however, is a blast! Even with all of the negatives, this is a hell of a lot of fun and an easy contender (out of two) for best Sword & Sorcery film of the decade. Anyone with even a passing interest in the genre should definitely check it out. Unfortunately, a full year later after its release overseas, it still seems to be having some issues getting a distributor here in the US (apparently Lion’s Gate has toyed with the idea in their typically indecisive fashion). Hopefully someone will be smart enough to figure out that this is not another JONAH HEX and give it a proper theatrical push. They’ll definitely get my ten bucks.

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Cinemasochism: TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE (2010)

I would be the world’s worst banker ever.  How so? I would continue to issue credit to folks who screw up over and over.  Case in point: director Albert Pyun. He has made only two movies I would consider great (THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER [1982] and NEMESIS [1992]) and had a prolific period of entertaining b-films (1989-1994).  Starting with the horrific NEMESIS 2 (1995), however, Pyun decided to do the cinematic limbo and see how low he could go.  Virtually everything since then (save MEAN GUNS and OMEGA DOOM, both 1997) has been mind-blowingly awful.

Yet I stuck with the man based on two great films. “This next one will be the one where he gets his mojo back,” I kept saying to myself.  Countless Eastern Europe lensed action pictures starring rappers later and it was actually getting worse.  Then I saw INVASION (aka INFECTION), his one take alien invasion flick shot from a dash cam of a police cruiser. Seriously, that is an amazing idea.  With visions of the car driving over infected alien folks and smashing into things in my head, I was brought back to reality with a film that featuring nothing but a shot of the car driving over and over the same locations while a girl cried on the soundtrack. I officially tapped out in December 2007 and issued an A.P.B. (Albert Pyun Ban) in my vicinity.

“Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in.” – Michael Corleone

So leave it to Pyun to announce he is doing a sequel to one of his classics after I wave the surrender flag.  THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER was Pyun’s first feature and also his most successful.  Released in the magical year of 1982 when the world was caught up in sword & sorcery frenzy (and beating CONAN THE BARBARIAN to theaters by a few weeks), the film went on to gross close to $40 million domestically.  Not bad for a neophyte director.  The tale of Talon (Lee Horsley) and his three-blade sword, SORCERER holds up to this day with great action and a bold sense of style.  If anything could kick start Pyun’s flatlined career, it would be returning to his roots…or maybe not.  Completed after years of delays and self non-distribution (a story unto itself), the sequel TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE finally saw legit release overseas and I was “lucky” enough to get the DVD from Thailand.

The film opens with text and images filling the audience in on the back story of half-sisters Princess Tanis (Melissa Ordway) and servant girl Kara (Victoria Maurette). Both were sired by the same father (presumably Talon), with Tanis’ mother being the Queen of Abelar and Kara’s mother being vampire sorceress Xia.  Dude gets around.  Now hold onto your hats as the film then opens with the ending of Kara being vanquished by a mysterious hooded man and then a “three weeks earlier” graphic.  The film proper starts with some treasure seekers opening the tomb of vampire queen Xia (Whitney Able), who quickly bites them all and then unleashes her newfound army on the capital of Abelar.  During the assault on the castle (all done off screen), Queen Ma’at (Jennifer Siebel Newsom), Tanis’ sister, breaks the news to Tanis about her real father (nice timing) and says she must travel to the outlaw city of Douras to find him so he can save the kingdom.  She hands her a scroll that will explain it all and a necklace her relative will also wear.  Meanwhile, slave girl Kara is trying to escape with guard Dernier. They are in love or something as evidenced by this head-scratcher he tells her: “My master is the son of a race.  But there is always a need for pretty servants and there is one against me as well.”  To paraphrase the great Jack Burton, I don’t even know what the hell that means!

Tanis gets away on a CGI boat (truly a sight to behold) but Xia causes it to explode.  She then informs Kara of her true nature and sends her on a mission to make sure the princess whose boat she just blew up is dead.  Why? Because “she will know and trust you when she is most vulnerable” (remember that line). Tanis did indeed survive as she washes ashore near Douras (that was easy) and heads into this wretched hive of scum and villainy. You know it is a rough town when she sees a guy getting punched in a corner.  Have you ever seen such cruelty?  She walks into the first bar she sees and, of course, finds her half-brother Aedan (Kevin Sorbo) cheating a hulking brute (ex-NFLer Matthew Willig). They get out of this conundrum with a few slices of their blades and she tells him she needs her help.  Of course, Han Solo, er, Aedan wants to know if there is a bounty and suggests they conscript their imprisoned half-sister Malia (Sarah Ann Schultz).  What?

So they get Malia out of jail (by talking) and Tanis breaks it all down.  Seems Xia will continue to kill until the next full moon when she will open the doorway to the Netherworld. This means an end to the human race.  After Aedan and Malia try to con her, they agree to help locate their father and Malia suggests half-sister Rajan (Janelle Giumarra) in the nearby Chiba village might know where he is. WHAT?  Another half-sister!?!  Daddy was a playa!  They quickly enlist drunkard Rajan as she craves more adventure and she demands they bring along her daughter Alana (Inbar Lavi). Are you still with me?  I need Ancestry.com at this point to keep up.  So they head to Nobu village to locate their father, who is now apparently a fisherman.  All the while Kara has observed them from a distance while snarling and biting folks every now and then.  She informs Xia of the Nobu trip and they decide to abduct each family member when they are isolated.

Once in Nobu, the group wanders around and each one gets picked up by the vamps.  Tanis goes into a bar and sees randy old man (Lee Horesley, SORCERER’s Talon but not playing him here) surrounded by young girls before she is captured by Xia and Kara by walking into a hallway.  Hey, what happened to that whole “she will know and trust you when she is vulnerable” swerve they were planning?  Kara, who has suddenly become the boss, has a verbal confrontation with a man in a black cloak at the bar.  We then cut to the end with Kara having all the family members bound on a hill and demanding the father show up.  Is that, like, every episode of Maury?  She tortures Aedan a bit to make the father appear, which he does with his triple sword and he is the guy in the black cloak.  He kills the vampires and makes Kara vaporize before a “tales will continue” card pops up.  The end!

Where do I begin with this film?  I’ll start with the positives. First, it isn’t boring. Pyun has been guilty of making some excruciatingly dull flicks in the past 15 years so at least he didn’t do that. Second, all of the actors are actually pretty good.  Sorbo is very witty and his likable performance actually deserves to be in a better film.  The real surprise here is Victoria Maurette, who is quite good as the vampire slave-turned-boss. She also supplies the film’s only nudity.  The film’s digital photography is nice as well and there is some good use of color.  There is also…oh crap…that’s it for the good stuff, so now onto the bad. I’m not sure what the budget was on this thing (reportedly $1 million) but I have no idea where they spent it.  Pyun shoots on two sets and it is embarrassing.  The queen’s palace is literally three drapes hung on a wall!  This results in lots of medium shots and close up so we can’t see the sets.  I’m not kidding – I’ve seen porn films with better production values.  Get a load of the CGI in this sumbitch.  It is so bad that it looks like a Sega CD game circa 1991.  Don’t believe me?  Look at these pictures of the boat:

Second, this isn’t a movie, it is a short!  I had to laugh when the action comes to a sudden halt at 68 minutes in.  There is then a post-film tease of the sequel RED MOON and credits crawl that lasts 17 minutes to bring the film up to an acceptable feature length running time of 85 minutes.

And not only is the film a huge tease, but it is a bad one at that.  Would you believe me if I told you there wasn’t a single sword fight in this?  There isn’t. The fighting highlight is a guy getting part of his tongue cut off in a bar brawl (where it is eaten by one of Pyun’s beloved dogs). Yes, a sword & sorcery flick with no swordplay.  The fact that any level of sorcery (vampires staring at a glowing orb) makes it into the film might have just been an accident.  The script is so convoluted and messed up that I had to go through it a second time just to make sure everything made sense.  It makes the first ten minutes of HIGHLANDER II (1991) seem positively lucid in comparison.  If you are sequelizing your biggest hit (and fan favorite), at least attempt to do it right.  Why on earth would you do it so cheaply?  And why make it such an indecipherable mess in the plot department?  It is a total disservice to the original and only helps to further sully your reputation as an incompetent filmmaker (which Pyun is clearly not in some rare cases).

In his extended case of hucksterism, Pyun offered the DVD on his site for pre-order but then cancelled them all for fears of piracy.  I’m “thankful” he sold it overseas so I could see it and give the world a warning about how terrible this is. Lucas may have killed your childhood with the STAR WARS prequels, but Pyun has dug up your childhood’s corpse with this cash-grab sequel and pissed on it. He is now telling fans online that the U.S. version of TALES will be a different edit and feature a new 5 minute prologue that will explain everything about the father, who will be portrayed by a huge action star.  Val Kilmer? Christopher Lambert (who was advertised on posters)?  I’m sure it will be someone looking for a paycheck with little shame.  I have to laugh at the insane idea that somehow an additional back story scene will smooth out all the wrinkles in this mofo.  The only scheme crazier would be shooting a pseudo-sequel to STREETS OF FIRE (1984).  Oh, shit…Pyun did that too?  Damn.  Let me know when that hits video.

UPDATE: As you can see from the comments below, Pyun took our comments about TALES with good humor.  So much so that he gave us the background on the making of this project.  You can read about that at the Tales about TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE posting from January 2012.

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Halloween Havoc: FLESHEATER (1988)

The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival. And watching FLESHEATER, because it rocks. - Aristotle

The ancient Greeks knew what they were talking about. Bill Hinzman’s FLESHEATER (aka REVENGE OF THE LIVING ZOMBIES; ZOMBIE NOSH) is awesome.  If you don’t like this movie, than you are no friends of mine.  I first became aware of the film in 1989 when I saw an ad for it in Variety as REVENGE OF THE LIVING ZOMBIES (with only one dead guy to spare).  This movie must rock!  My teenage brain was also savvy enough at the time to recognize Bill Hinzman as the guy who played the original cemetery zombie in Romero’s classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, which had just celebrated its 20th anniversary.

It was in 1990 that I finally got a chance to rent it on video at the Farm Fresh supermarket (remember when they had video stores in them?).  The video box (again sporting only one zombie) promised the “original uncensored version” so I knew I was in store for a treat. Little did I know the fifty-plus director Hinzman was operating on the same level as a fourteen-year-old.  Working as a pseudo-sequel to George Romero’s original film, FLESHEATER follows the blueprint closely but adds all the things Romero truly wanted like nudity and over-the-top gore.  It was truly my id brought to life!

The plot is as simple as can be – a group of college kids are taking a hayride up to Spence’s Farm for a little Halloween campfire fun involving beer and making out.  Along the way their tractor passes a farmer in the woods pulling out a huge tree stump.  As the kids head to their destination, the farmer is able move the root ball and unearths a coffin underneath it in the process.  On top of it is a wax seal basically saying “do not open” or else.  He, naturally, pops the top and finds Flesheater (Hinzman) – if that is your real name – inside.  The zombie opens his eyes and takes a huge bite out of the poor guy’s throat.  Oh, it is on now!

Meanwhile, the kids – wearing more flannel than should be legally allowed and sporting generic names like Bob, Sally Ann, Eddie, Carrie, Ralph – are all enjoying their Iron City beer-laced heavy petting sessions.  Two of them head to the nearby barn to really get it on and are interrupted by my main man Flesheater.  He kills them and chows down on a human heart.  The resurrected dead farmer attacks the hayride driver and some of the kids catch him in the act.  They split and go to warn the others.  It is chaos from then on as the remaining kids make it to the abandoned farm house.  Sound familiar?   It gets better.  Eddie proves to be cinema’s most fair-weather friend ever as he refuses to let Bob and Sally Ann in after they have nailed one board to the door.  “Go find someplace else to hide” he tells them.  Harry from the original NOTLD would be impressed, kid.  Did I forget to mention there are windows covered in plastic that they could easily squeeze though?  This kid is hardcore.

Bob and Sally Ann decide to hide in the cellar of the house while the kids upstairs find a working phone.  They call 911 but the operator gives them crap since it is Halloween and all. Rule #1 when calling the cops during a zombie attack – lie your ass off!  Just say some crazed redneck attacked you, don’t say it was some kind of monster.  You are only opening yourself up for a witty retort from the operator like was it a “Gozilla-type or Frankenstein-type of monster?”  Not that it matters as the zombies and one of the girls bitten inside attack and the kids are quickly wiped out, paying for Eddie’s sins, no doubt.  Amazingly, the operator did send a cop car out that way (a cinema first) and he is besieged by the living dead.  From this point on, it is just a non-stop zombie jamboree as Flesheater and friends make it into the suburbs and kill anything that moves.  That ranges from little kids to nubile young ladies who just happen to be taking a shower.  And this zombie makes sure to rip off the girl's towel before biting here.  Yes, Hinzman is the man.

Believe it or not, this film is my Halloween staple that I watch every year.  Some folks pop in HALLOWEEN (the original, you pukes) or something else with the spirit of All Soul’s Day.  But this one has just endeared itself to me. For one thing, it actually takes place on Halloween so that is a huge bonus right off the bat.  Second, Hinzman really captures the fall look in rustic Pennsylvania locations. That really puts me in the mood.  Hey, that sounded wrong.  Also, how can you not love a film that delivers so much in the gore and nudity department?  Please don’t misinterpret my enthusiasm for this film as making it out to be some kind of classic along the lines of NOTLD, DAWN OF THE DEAD (the original, you punks) or RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD.  It is not.  It is, however, a perfect example of a 80s horror movie that has no other motive than showing flesh – both torn and bare. He knew what sold and made sure to get as much of it as possible in his film.  You have to admire any zombie movie when the zombie attacks but always makes sure to lift up the girl's shirt before sticking his hand through her sternum.

"What Sheriff? We can't hear you!"

Hinzman knew he wouldn’t ever top NOTLD so he just did what would sell.  Namely, he exploited the hell out of it.  He cashed in on his iconic image as the world’s first flesheater and mimicked the original film right down to having NOTLD posse sniper Vince Survinski reprise his role as the guy who takes out innocent folk by mistake.  Damn, poor Vince.  The film is not going to suddenly replace NOTLD in the Library of Congress National Film Registry archives as something “culturally, historically or aesthetically important.”  However, it will get logged into the Video Junkie Archives for said reasons.  Now where is FLESHEATER II: THE RETURN OF FLESHEATER dammit!

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Hallomas Havoc: THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (1976)

Welcome to Hallomas, the day after Halloween (look it up, I'll wait). Eyes still bleary from your Halloween reverie? Post-sugar hangover (fermented or otherwise) got you down? Here’s your hair of the dog. The television equivalent of Clamato and Budweiser, served in a champagne coupe with pinky extended. It will either cure your hangover or make you vomit, one or the other. Either way, it’ll divert the pain.

“Hollywood is where you get up at noon, read the funnies, and if the sun’s not out, you go to dirty movies until cocktail time.” – Paul Lynde

Aired only once on October 29^th 1976, then encased in lead and dropped to the bottom of Lake Erie, this sequin-encrusted trainwreck proves that Mr. Lynde was only as good as his writers, who should have done two things; written better jokes and not tried to shoe-horn Lynde into sketches that were written more with Bob Hope in mind. I say “in mind” because there’s no way in hell Mr. Palm Springs would touch this witch’s brew with a ten-foot golf club. That said, writer Howard Albrecht did in fact go on to write “Bob Hope’s All-Star Comedy Spectacular from Lake Tahoe” in 1977.

Starting out with a sketch that has Lynde allegedly comedically confused as to which holiday the special is for dressing up in various costumes and being interrupted by his glowering housekeeper (Margaret Hamilton), this segues to a monologue that is so painfully unfunny that even Lynde looks like he’s about to be ill. One of the bits is a story about how he was so fat his mother bought him a shower curtain for his Halloween costume. It didn’t fit. So mom let it out and he “went out as the Hindenburg. It was a disaster.” Pheeeew! Much like your monologue, my friend! As if the monologue wasn’t grueling enough, Lynde follows that up by performing a song and dance routine with dancers dressed up in devil outfits. The subject of the number? Those darn kids today! No joke. The chorus is “what’s the matter with kids today?” Presumably he is supposed to be a lovable curmudgeon and we are supposed to be amused by the perpetually plasticine smiles on the faces of Donnie and Marie Osmond as they trashcan him and blow him up. Really, I’m not making this up. I guess if you are really into gay camp and atrocious musical numbers, you might get a kick out of seeing Lynde stumble through this mess, otherwise you are in for a rough ride... erm... so to speak.

The wrap-around segment for the not-even-remotely Halloween themed sketches is a bit where Paul is stuck in a mansion with H.R. Puffinstuff’s Witchypoo (Billie Hayes) and his housekeeper who turns out to be the Wicked Witch of the West. They want him to do some PR work for them, claiming that witches have gotten a bad rap. In order to entice him into it, they have given Lynde three wishes that he can use at his discretion. Betty White shows up briefly as Miss Halloween 1976 and vanishes after finding out that her prize for winning the Miss Halloween competition is a date with Paul Lynde, not Paul Newman. Are your sides splitting yet?

Paul’s first wish is to be a “Rhinestone Trucker”. Dressed up like a combination of a milk man and Liberace, Lynde is Big Ruby Red who’s headed down to his favorite truckstop to marry the waitress, Kinky Pinky (Roz Kelly), at midnight. As it turns out, he’s not the only one. Rival trucker Long Haul Howard (Tim Conway) is also going to the same diner to marry the same girl at the same time. This leads to some comedy so grueling that it makes Jerry Lewis look like a subtle technician. Don’t believe me? How about Billy Barty as a “short order cook”? Need more convincing? Try this exchange on for size:

Big Ruby Red: “You can’t marry both of us, that’s bigamy!”

Kinky Pinky : “Big of you? That’s big of me!”
Big Ruby Red: “That’s what I said!”

When I was a kid I never realized that Paul Lynde was gay. He was just a funny guy with some colorful fashion sense. It took me well into my teens before I realized that he was driving down the other side of the road. I felt pretty stupid for not figuring that out any sooner, but not nearly as stupid as when I found out that his funny quips were written for him. Seriously? Those classic lines were not off the cuff? Damn, I are feeling so dumberer! Here it’s pretty obvious that Lynde desperately needs the Hollywood Squares writers as he reads his lines off of cue cards with all of the enthusiasm of someone suffering from an intestinal ailment.

After a trucker-themed musical number complete with an empty stage and two semi cabs, Lynde’s next wish is to be Rudolph Valentino-type. Faster than you can say “poof”, he’s in a tent (that leads directly out to a blank stage wall) with Florence Henderson, as Cecily Westinghouse, who he is trying to put the moves on. Paul Lynde trying to seduce Mrs. Brady is creepy enough, but when you add the jokes, (to quote Jonathan Harris) oh, the pain, the pain! For example:
Cecily Westinghouse: “Why are you wearing that earring?”
Sheik Lynde: “Because I am a very chic sheik.”

The witches must have really pissed him off, for the final wish Lynde wishes that the witches could go to a Hollywood disco, says Paul “I love a disco, it’s the only place you can hustle without getting arrested”. Damn. The ‘70s. Florence Henderson pops up and sings a lounge rendition of “That Old Black Magic” just in case you hadn’t cringed far enough back into your sofa. It should be noted that some band called “Kiss”, maybe you’ve heard of them, made their television debut on this special, complete with a short interview segment where Paul Stanley acts like an arrogant prick (figure that) while Paul Lynde makes really lame jokes about how they got their name from the phrase “kiss and make up”. They do “Detroit Rock City”, “Beth” and “King of the Nighttime World”, if you care. These bits almost made me remember a blurry era in which Kiss was actually fresh and original; long before the relentless merchandising, the appearances on WCW, before the midget cover band pimping Diet Dr. Pepper... Man, that was a long time ago. The Ramones are dead but Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley still walk the earth. It ain’t right.

To drive the proverbial stake directly into the heart of entertainment, this show ends with the big Hollywood disco set and a duet of “Disco Baby” by Roz Kelly and Lynde. I hate to say it, but if there is one thing worse than Lynde’s singing, it’s his dancing… or is it the other way around? I dunno, you tell me:

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Halloween Havoc: The "Never Got Made" Files #37 - #40

#37 - DRACULA FEVER

So much cocaine flowed to the brains of Hollywood execs in the 70s that someone thought a rock 'n roll Dracula film would be great.  "Hey, the kids love-ah the rock 'n roll and they love-ah the Dracula!"  DRACULA FEVER was advertised in 1980 but the "horror musical" never got made.  Never to let a ridiculous idea die, Hollywood kept the idea alive and the Cannon boys delivered the Drac rocker ROCKULA in 1990.

#38 - MURDER AT THE DISCO DOWN

What could be worse than a Dracula rock picture?  How about something that looks like a slasher set in a disco? Actually, I'd totally dig that.  But, alas, the only victim here was disco as it was declared dead in the late 70s when this was advertised.  It was supposed to be a Matt Cimber picture.

#39 - THE GOLEM

Charles Bronson was Cannon's go-to guy when it came to projects no one wanted, but even this sounds pretty wild for Chuck.  Advertised in the late 1980s, THE GOLEM was (most likely) a take on the German silent horror film about ancient Jewish legend of a stone statue protector/vigilante that comes to life.  Who knows?  The only thing certain is Bronson would probably play a cop.  It never got made so audiences didn't get to see the stone face off between Bronson and the titular monster.

#40 - THE TOTEM

This is the kind of stuff that keeps Video Junkie honcho Tom up at night - more films produced by Canadian Pierre David.  THE TOTEM was advertised in 1982, right around the time writer David Morrell's FIRST BLOOD was big.  Morrell's novel centered on a small town in Wyoming that experiences a supernatural virus that causes the folks to be crazed, primal killers.  THE CRAZIES, what?  Regardless, this would have been pretty cool in the early 80s in the right hands.

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Halloween Havoc: OFFERINGS (1989)

I love me some 80s slashers but the late-to-the game slasher OFFERINGS always eluded me.  I’d seen the amazing artwork of some psycho’s hands gripping a present dripping blood so many times that my mind probably built it up better than the film could ever be. There has to be a severed head in that box, right?  I mean, the dimensions match and everything.  So when I finally got a hold of a copy of this bad boy during the great video store raids of 2008 (“all VHS 50 cents each”) I felt my life as a slasher geek was finally complete.

I eventually got around to watching it this Halloween season and I was disappointed after finally seeing it because I had seen it before - under the title HALLOWEEN! Seriously, this rips off so much of John Carpenter's ground breaking classic that I was surprised it didn't say "a Rob Zombie film" in the opening credits. Everything from Carpenter's film is in here from the heavy breathing guy standing behind trees to the boarded up killer's house (where someone apparently still does the lawn). Hell, the musical score is Carpenter's work but played at a different tempo. The only major difference is the girls in this speak in a Valley Girl tone. I guess the fad finally hit Oklahoma, where this was lensed, in the late 80s.

Mute kid Johnny lives with his abusive mother (who likes to put the ashes of her cigarettes in his scrambled eggs).  The docs say he is smart, but homeboy won’t talk and he likes to torture animals. “You’re siiiiiiiiiiick,” screams mom as she says he will grow up to be like his “good for nothing father” who tried to slit her throat. Gee, I wonder why he tried to do that to this screeching witch.  Whatever, mom, take it to Jerry Springer. Johnny’s only friend is Gretchen and she shows up to play just in time to get him away from his mom’s tongue lashing. Johnny and Gretchen are taunted by some neighborhood kids and he accidentally falls down a well and cracks his skull (off screen).  Okay, looks like director Christopher Reynolds also saw PROM NIGHT (1980) during his research.

Insert "Ten Years Later" title card. The grown Johnny is now housed in a mental institution after having killed and eaten his mother following his Jackie Chan skull smack.  Damn, I guess his mom was right.  He is supposed to be kept under constant sedation but the nurse is distracted and pays for it by getting a syringe in the forehead. Apparently that will kill you.  Johnny escapes from the institution by climbing over the electric fence and heads back to his hometown to get revenge on the kids who tormented him. Totally bad news as the grown Gretchen (Loretta Leigh Bowman) and Kacy (Elizabeth Greene) are, like, totally having a sleepover. Ohmygawd! Slowly on Johnny’s trail are Sheriff Chisum (G. Michael Smith) and Prof. Sam Loomis, er, Jim Paxton (Jerry Brewer).

If you want the rest of the plot, just replay HALLOWEEN in your head.  This contains each and every bit from Carpenter’s film.  So much so that I created this handy checklist for the more discerning cinemasochists:

So, as you can see, OFFERINGS tops HALLOWEEN in the “kid busted reading porn mags” department (and they don’t have the decency to show us any of the nudie pics).  Director Christopher Reynolds mimics Carpenter’s film from beginning to end, but does add his own “creative” inventions in order to make some claim of ownership.  The biggest one is that Michael, er, Johnny keeps making offerings to his beloved Gretchen like a love-sick puppy. Apparently the part of his brain responsible for romance took the biggest hit because my experience has shown chicks never react favorable to gifts of human body parts.  Well, severed human body parts.  It does result in a howler of a line from the Sheriff as the girls call him and he shows up and says, “What’s all this I hear about an ear?”  Even funnier is he says he can’t determine if it is real until “the lab analyzes it.” Director Reynolds cameos in a hospital scene as a doctor. He also delivers the film's most memorable lines: "The one you need to look out for is Mr. Franks. Every time he craps, he thinks he is having an abortion. Man, he sure has had some ugly kids." The film’s biggest disappointment?  No bloody birthday box.  I’m pissed.

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Halloween Havoc: HELL NIGHT (1981)

After the landscape-altering success of FRIDAY THE 13^th (1980), horror movies changed in a lot of ways. Most of the significant changes occurred after the introduction of the sequels, but ‘81 and ‘82 saw a slew of deformed or inbred killers hit the drive-ins. At first glance you’d think FRIDAY THE 13^th PART 2 (1981) would take the credit for cementing the deformed, animalistic killer motif (particularly with the backwoods slant as Jason wears denim overalls and a plaid shirt). Interestingly Tobe Hooper’s THE FUNHOUSE (1981) actually predated Steve Miner’s first sequel and HELL NIGHT (1981) came out three months afterwards. Other notable films such as HUMONGOUS (1982) and JUST BEFORE DAWN (1982) are equally inspired by Jason Voorhees, but you could also make a case that THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977) and ANTHROPOPHAGUS (1980) played equally important roles in both the FRIDAY series and it’s subsequent offspring.

Legend has it that the Garth Manor was the scene of a grizzly crime back in the ‘50s. The Garth family’s children were all born deformed or one case so mentally retarded that he was like an animal. One night Mr. Garth snapped and killed his entire family and hung himself. When the police came and collected the bodies, there was one that they couldn’t find and it is believed that Andrew still lives somewhere in the mansion to this very day. Of course, you know what that means. The local fraternity and sorority chapters decide to use it for a pledge initiation! Apparently they’ve never heard of a pledge paddle.

Is somebody missing an Osmond?

Four pledges Seth (Vincent Van Patten), Denise (Suki Goodwin), Jeff (Peter Barton) and Marti (Linda Blair) are locked in the mansion and all they have to do is stay the entire night. Sounds simple enough, right? The frat boys have the house rigged with a variety of scares, including self-locking doors, phantom sounds, ghosts and dummies. And I’m not just talking about the Van Patten kid. During the night Fraternity presidents Peter and Scott (Kevin Brophy and Jimmy Sturtevant) and Sorority sister May (Jenny Neumann) skulk around outside the mansion and in its elaborate subterranean tunnels setting off the elaborate tricks they have set up. Unfortunately this Hell Night, the legends of the missing Garth boy are about to be proven true.

HELL NIGHT could easily be written off as just another Canadian slasher flick riding on the coat-tails of FRIDAY THE 13^th, but this is head and shoulders above the rest largely in part to infamous gay porn director Tom DeSimone (who also gave us the 1972 3D soft-core flick PRISON GIRLS). DeSimone made a handful of mainstream movies after semi-retiring from porn and before moving on to directing TV and with HELL NIGHT he shows a real talent for blending an old fashioned haunted house thriller with a post-FRIDAY sensibility. His use of light and shadow, clever editing and masterful camera work makes it all the more of a shame that he didn’t continue in this vein. Unlike many other slasher films that came along later, the suspense sequences actually work and some of them work extremely well. While I’m handing out kudos, there would be no small oversight if I failed to mention that the score was composed by John Carpenter alum Dan Wyman and the producer is none other than Irwin Yablans. Yablans has been described as a workman-like producer who has had his mitts on some damn fine horror films including (most famously) Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN (1978), not to mention TOURIST TRAP (1979), PARASITE (1982) and TANK (1984)... Yeah, well ok, point taken. But he’s still cool.

DeSimone’s predilections are fairly obvious here as the film starts out with the weakest wet t-shirt scene in the history of cinema where the girls are wearing heavy, dark colored t-shirts. Boat officially missed. Also, Linda Blair’s assets are safely tucked away and for that matter the most amount of flesh on display is from the Van Patten kid who spends an awful lot of screen time running around in nothing but his boxer shorts. Linda Blair fans (that’s like everybody, right?), won’t be totally disappointed as, in spite of the fact that she is supposed to be a car-fixin’ tomboy, she is gussied up to the nines in her turn of the century Halloween costume which leaves room for many bosom-heaving scenes of terror. Also, the costume is an interesting choice as it reflects the theme of film; that of an actual gothic horror film with a modern twist.

Now this is a lair!

If made today, the thought process for the very creative shots and lighting, the careful crafting of the atmosphere and suspense and the thoughtful costuming of the characters wouldn’t even make it to the table. If it sounds like I’m waxing a little too poetic about this film, go watch the recent remake NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (2010). There isn’t an ounce of subtlety to be found, not even any attempt at anything other than shrill characters who do nothing but act as crass as possible, except for the virtuous, virginal heroine. That’s all you got? Catty “bitches” who have loud conversations about how their crotches itch because of a bad wax job? After that cynical, half-assed crap, it should be easy to appreciate how DeSimone does so much with so little and does it really well.

I will admit that some of the comic relief comes across as a bit forced, in part due to the fact that some of the supporting cast isn’t quite up to the task. On the other hand, there’s a few moments that are pretty unintentionally amusing too. When Seth escapes and finally makes it to the police department, they think he’s pulling a frat prank and tell him to take a hike. Noticing that a hall door is open, unguarded and right in the middle is a table with several shotguns lying on it. Seth sneaks in, steals one and jumps out the window. Whaaaaa? Not only is the room empty except for a table full of shotguns, but nobody is watching it and the window isn’t barred? Oh, those wacky Canadians! Even so, this movie is definitely worthy of classic status and it’s a damn shame DeSimone’s only subsequent horror efforts were for the agonizing FREDDY’S NIGHTMARES TV series. That show that managed to kick the legs out from under the most talented horror filmmakers in the industry, so I’m not holding it against him. I’m sure it sounded good on paper... Four times.

Oh and just like no Halloween is complete without Linda Blair, no discussion of Linda Blair is complete with out... well, a couple of things. For those who only read this write-up in the hopes of seeing some of Blair’s bodaciousness, here ya go. Best. Issue. EVER.

Ok, so it doesn't have much to do with the movie other than sharing the title, but every time I see the title this song gets stuck in my head.

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