Heinous for the Holidays: THANKSKILLING 3 (2012)

I know what you're thinking. You are wondering what the hell I'm doing watching the sequel to a half-assed SOV-shot low-renter made by a bunch of kids who couldn't be bothered to really put the effort into 98% of the movie. That's what you're thinking. Matter of fact, I was thinking that too. It seemed like only a week ago that I was blissfully dreaming about ridiculous amounts of salty, fatty, sugary foodstuffs that would send my doctor to perform an epic facepalm. Little did I know that writer-director-producer and voice of the foul fowl, Jordan Downey, had just released a sequel to coincide with the holiday. Yep, I got my fingers on the pulse.

In case you need a recap, THANKSKILLING (2009), was one of those cheap "look at how stupid our movie is" kind of shot on video flicks where general laziness is supposed to be excused by the intent of making a bad movie. The story is about a group of kids heading off to turkey day when their car breaks down and they run into a homicidal turkey who is the physical embodiment of a Native American deity  Lots of potential, most of it wasted. Three years and one Kickstarter campaign later and we have a sequel, penned not just by Downey, but two other people as well. A sequel that has actually skipped it's first sequel (which was set in space), you say? A sequel with a post-apocalyptic robot that crashes Thanksgiving dinner, you say? A sequel with mostly puppet characters who die horribly, you say? Ok, I'm in! Besides, how can you go wrong with these promo posters?

THANKSKILLING 3 starts out with one of the best low-expectation-smashing intros since the jaw-dropping UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING (2012). Designed to look like a lost low-budget film from the early '80s, THANKSKILLING 2 starts out with Wanda Lust (looking even more haggard and depressed) in a boob-exposing space suit only to be zapped in half by Turkie in his fighter ship along with his (literally) pie-faced wingman named Pie-lette (Pilot, Pie-lette... get it?). We then roughly segue into a psychedelic post-apocalyptic vision of men in gas masks with flamethrowers burning piles of THANKSKILLING 2 DVDs in the middle of the desert. This is intercut with a scene with a Henson-style puppet and a voice over talking about how the movie has a hero who lost her mind, cuing a Henson-style puppet brain to wander off. This whole sequence is actually one of the best bits in the movie and for five jaw-dropping minutes actually got me to seriously believe that this was going to be an amazing reinvention, fixing all of the issues with the first movie and beyond. Not a chance in hell.

You had me at "flamethrower"

Turkie's 512th birthday at home (a sequence played out like a sit-com ala NATURAL BORN KILLERS) is brought to a screeching halt when a news report comes on the tube about how studio executives have deemed THANKSKILLING 2 the worst movie ever made and have decided not only to shelve the film, but burn all remaining copies. Ok, a homicidal, flightless bird that is the incarnation of an ancient Indian spirt I can buy. Studio executives refusing to release a film based on it's lack of artistic merit? That is straining the limits of my ability to suspend disbelief. Turkie's wife tells him "your movie is worse than that toilet paper commercial that shows people actually wiping their asses." This news drives Turkie into a killing rage causing him to cleave his wife's head in half and grab his pea-brained son (represented by an inarticulate clump of feathers with cheap toy eyes held up on a visible rod) and head out to track down the last remaining copy of THANKSKILLING 2. Ok, so now Turkie is going to go on a killing spree, chainsawing anyone who gets in his way to exact his revenge on the studio execs, right? I mean, who doesn't love some skewering satire of Hollywood? Yeah, that's what you'd think anyway, and you would be wrong. Totally and completely wrong.

Our Henson-esque "hero" (who does nothing heroic whatsoever and is barely a central character) Yomi (voiced by Downey) is obsessed with an animated TV show about a gay cat Meowmir, but that has nothing to do with anything. Yomi wakes up in a dumpster while looking for her mind and discusses the situation with a trash puppet, but that has nothing to do with anything. Exiting the trash she meets Uncle Donnie of Uncle Donnie's Pluckmaster 3000 fame. The Pluckmaster 3000 is the hot ticket this holiday season, a household appliance that takes a live turkey and turns it into a perfect dinner in minutes... but that has nothing to do with anything. Uncle Donnie invites Yomi over to his home for Thanksgiving where he assures her that she can find her mind.

Uncle Donnie and his brother Jefferson both wear colonial wigs and dream of creating an amusement park named "Thanksgivingland" that will feature rides such as the "gravy train" and "mashed potato mountain". But that has no - oh never mind. Uncle Donnie and Jefferson (who aspires to be the security guard with a long pike at Thanksgivingland) live with their mother, a rapping, sex-crazed invalid in a wheelchair (another puppet) who has a music video for her sick beat "Wrinkles or Sprinkles". Ok, ready? All together now: "but that has nothing to do with anything." At this point a mutant-robot thing named Muff and his lover, Rhonda, a gay, eunuch worm with a mustache, crash the party. Have you had enough of all this wannabe "South Park" stuff yet? This entire massive second act of the movie goes on for so long that you might just forget that you are even watching a movie that is alleged to be about a killer turkey looking for his sequel. Long, drawn-out sketches that include such hilarious things as Jefferson trying to turn off a light switch with his "long pike" (a broomstick with a butter knife taped to the end) and Uncle Donnie's tale of how he lost his wife and child to wolves while trying to find parts for his original Pluckmaster machine turn a few good ideas into a massive trainwreck of epic proportions. At one point someone says "sounds like the longest and most boring story". Oh the irony. Jordan Downey, you said it, not me.

Eventually Turkie does turn up again killing Jefferson (off camera) and quipping "looks like he quit life - cold turkey!" Oh my sides, please stop! No really, please stop. After still more rambling dialogue, Turkie accidentally ends up in the Pluckmaster 1, the original prototype for the Pluckmaster 3000, and loses his penis in the process. Since he has no penis, he quickly assembles an attachment for his chainsaw (which has "chain carver" etched on the blade echoing the wittier "Excalibur" from 1990's TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III) and connects it to his stump, turning to the camera and saying "gravy". Yes, in late 2012 we have a poorly executed EVIL DEAD II spoof scene. Even worse, that is actually one of the better moments that we've had in the last hour of watching this mess. I am not even joking.

Turkey and son (who has been embedded into the last DVD of THANKSKILLING 2 - don't ask) flee to Turkey Hell (located inside the oven), a swirling blue portal is opened up in Muff's anus, a rubber cockroach on a wire-hanger that delivers dialogue like "I'm just roachin' around", and some other stuff happen, but... wait for it... that has nothing to do with anything. Downey and his new recruits, Mike Will Downey and Kevin Stewart, have a few great ideas, but not only can they not create a tangible film out of them, but they are happy to toss them aside in favor of strings of random non-sequitur "comic" sketches, such as a bit where Turkie takes a ride on an animated seagull "taxi" who ridicules Turkie about not being able to fly until Turkie decides to bail and get back to looking for his movie. Then there are a couple of moments where it seems like the cinematographer, Kevin Stewart, who can't write a script to save his life, comes up with some amazingly cool, psychedelic visuals that could have been the basis for a movie that rose above it's sub-high-school level writing and quite frankly could have been pretty damn awesome. Could have... I remember going to a new Greek fast food place a few years back and noticed the owner sitting at a table playing with his laptop. After he showed me all the precooked food in a steamtable (like falafels, which you never want to see in a steamtable), I asked if everything was made there. He said no, because "cooking is too much work".  This feels like the same thing. Making a movie is just too much work for these guys, and what do you get without a work ethic? Well you don't get my money a second time. Wait, this is the second time. Ok, well, you won't get my money a third time! Ha! Yeah, that'll show 'em.

Honestly. Would you give these guys money?

Produced after scraping together over $100K via a Kickstarter campaign, investors were promised "Blood, Puppets, & Explosions" and "the script is PACKED with laughs!!!" Uhhhh, yeah, there was one explosion, there is a little blood and I guess the technical definition of puppet is met as they are technically not required to be articulated. They can, in fact, be figures on rods being bounced up and down by someone's hand, much like an 8 year old kid playing with toys. Interestingly they kept pushing a "secret plot" gimmick on Kickstarter, but after watching the film, I'm pretty sure that they had no idea what the plot was going to be, even while writing the script. If this is what people are going to get from Kickstarter, I see a grim future for indy movies on the horizon. Not only did the video camera make it easier to make movies that are just thrown together in someone's back yard, but Kickstarter is now making it easier to get the money to make an outing that is as scatter shot as a melon under Gallagher's hammer, but can have a badass trailer.

A tedious chore to sit through, THANKSKILLING 3 actually throws away all of it's great ideas and a couple great scenes in favor of a pale imitation of Comedy Central sketch show programming, making the original film, which fumbled every pass, seem like a very coherent and well-made outing. Don't be fooled by the well-cut trailer that uses mostly footage from the opening credit sequence and the  admittedly excellent score. Too bad THANKSKILLING skipped it's own sequel, from what we see of it, it may have been a lot more fun than this.

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Listomania: Will's November to Kinda Remember 2012

I’m actually returning to the land of Listomania because Tom was unable to post his first because he fainted when he heard I was doing a list.  November 2012 was an average month of movie viewing for me, I guess.  In total I saw 24 flicks.  That breaks down to 20 DVDs, 2 theater visits, 1 VHS viewing (UNDERGROUND TERROR) and 1 pay-per-view order (UNIVERSAL SOLIDER: DAY OF RECKONING).  I’ve been trying to watch stuff I’ve never seen before so this past month only 2 titles were revisits.  Here are a few of the newer ones that made an impression (good or bad) on me.

19 RED ROSES (1974) – This Danish thriller was a total Video Roulette grab, so it was nice that it turned out to be engaging.  Detective Archer (Poul Reichhardt) and his team begin to investigate a series of seemingly random killings (girl thrown off a roof, man shot in the woods, man shot in his store). As they dig deeper, they find out that all of the victims have something in common and soon William Brehmer (Henning Jensen), a mild mannered architect, is the main suspect.  This has been referred to as a Giallo from Denmark, but I think it has more in common with the police procedurals coming out of Hollywood at the time like THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN (1973; itself based on Swedish Martin Beck novel by Sjöwall and Wahlöö).  The first hour is probably the best the film has to offer as the viewer gets to try and unravel the mystery alongside the detectives.  After that, it is a bit more mundane as they set up a trap to nab the killer.  Reichhardt, mostly known for his comedic roles, is great as the lead detective and he has some funny bits with his team. The film ends with a nice touch by director Esben Carlsen that allows both the detective and his suspect to be sympathetic.  A sequel titled TERROR (1977) came out a few years later with the main cast returning, but it doesn’t look like it has been issued with subtitles anywhere.

THE DEAD ARE ALIVE (1972) – This one came from our buddy Jon Stone.  Don’t get your hopes up of seeing the beast featured on the U.S. poster to the right anywhere in this film.  This is definitely a giallo mystery and not a zombie flick. Archaeologist Jason Porter (Alex Cord) has located an Etruscan tomb, but that is the least of his worries at this point in his life.  He is also wrapped up in a love triangle with Myra (Samantha Eggar) and her composer husband Nikos (John Marley).  Wow, that is one ugly triangle!  You know your love life is in trouble when John Marley is your romantic rival.  Anyway, things go from bad to worse when someone (or something) starts offing folks from their circle and setting up Porter as the main suspect.  If you’ve seen enough giallos, you’ll probably figure this one out pretty early on.  But the film still benefits from a great cast and some really cool locations in Italy.  The highlights are a car chase through the narrow city streets and a stylized flashback that explains the killer’s motive.

LOOPHOLE (1981) – Thief Mike Daniels (Albert Finney) plans to break into the biggest bank in England for one last haul.  His team sets up a false office in order to interview architects with the idea they can coax the suitable candidate into mapping out their underground digging job.  Down-on-his-luck American Stephen Booker (Martin Sheen) seems to be the ideal candidate for the job, but he scoffs at the idea of being a criminal. That is until he finds out his wife (Susannah York) reallllly wants to start up her interior decorating business. OH NOES!  So he descends (literally) into a life of crime in order to finance her dream.  The “loophole” of the title refers to the fact they will break into the vault through the ground and set off a motion detector, but when the cops arrive they will see no one inside the bank and think it is glitch.  I’m a sucker for bank heist pictures for some reason and this one definitely falls into that category.  Unfortunately, while it has a great cast and is well made, it really takes no risks. There is some tension in the final third as rain starts to flood the sewer system and the men must rush to get out, but even that is handled rather mundanely.  Sheen also sticks out like a sore thumb and it is easy to believe the role was written for a British fellow (his wife is a Brit after all) and then changed to an American to increase potential markets. Still, it is worth a look at least once if you loves you some men digging in confined spaces.

SILVER BEARS (1978) – Okay, now maybe I’ll be more forgiving to LOOPHOLE.  A Las Vegas mob boss (Martin Balsam) comes up with an ingenious way to launder money – buy a bank! He sends pal Doc Fletcher (Michael Caine) to Switzerland to buy a bank with the help of local contact Prince Gianfranco di Siracusa (Louis Jordan). Along for the ride is the kingpin's wayward son Albert (Jay Leno). Prince Siracusa has a deed for a bank (really a rundown apartment over a pizza parlor) and then things get complicated when his “cousins” (Stéphane Audran and David Warner) want Fletcher to buy in on their Iranian silver mine. Also figuring into this are a banking exec (Tom Smothers) and his ditzy wife (Cybill Shepherd). Ouch! Caine has been upfront about his taking roles for their locations (paid vacation!) and I can't think of any other reason he would have taken this. It is billed as a comedy-thriller, yet manages to never be funny or thrilling. You would think with such a cast that some sort of sparks would fly, but this nearly 2 hour flick is a bore. It doesn't help that the main plot twist doesn't kick in until 90 minutes in (even though you've guess it when it is introduced) and the tricks to swindle some buyers turns into an anti-THE STING. Lots of moments of people talking...and talking...and talking. It says something when the comic highlight is Caine accidentally dropping a breakfast egg in his lap. I lay it all firmly at the feet of director Ivan Passer, who thinks having such a capable cast can immediately pass for a top notch film. Definitely not the case. I'm sure Caine's wife thanks him though.    

UNDERGROUND TERROR (1989) – Continuing on my love of movies set beneath the city as evidenced above, we have this low budget NYC action flick.  John Willis (Doc Dougherty) is a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the rules (original!). This is established in the opening ten minutes when he blows away the drug dealers who had killed his partner (shockingly, this occurs pre-movie).  He soon finds himself dealing with a new kind of scum when a series of unusual murders start occurring on the subway platforms.  They are being pulled off by Boris Pinscher (Lennie Loftin), a renegade mental patient who also doesn’t play by the rules.  This is established in the opening ten minutes when he threatens to kill his roommate before being released. Boris leads a ragtag group of folks who live in the subway system and like to kill folks every now and then.  Despite his the police chief (who is black, of course) putting him on suspension, Willis teams with reporter Kim Knowles (B.J. Geordan) to put a stop to these human rats. This is definitely no C.H.U.D., but if you get a hankering for some NYC lensed locations than UNDERGROUND TERROR will fill you up.  The acting is pretty rough and the plot is dopey (no joke, the killers learn of the reporter after she leaves her camera with her name on it in their lair), but it wasn't an excruciating 90 minutes at all.  I'm just happy to know someone actually named a villain Boris Pinscher.

JACK THE RIPPER (1976) - As fact based an examination of the 19th century’s most notorious serial killer that you will ever see…or maybe not. Jess Franco gives ol’ Spring Heeled Jack the Franco treatment, which involves playing fast-and-furious with the facts. Dr. Orloff (Klaus Kinski) spends his days helping the needy and his nights offing the seedy, thanks mostly to a psychosexual relationship he had with his mother (no wonder Kinski was attracted to this).  He also has the hots for ballerina Cynthia (Josephine Chaplin, no doubt making her dad proud), who just happens to be the love of Inspector Selby (Andreas Mannkopff), the chief inspector on the Jack the Ripper case.  This was made during a period of time where Franco was actually given some money to work with so the production actually has some good photography and nice period costumes.  If you’re hoping for a thorough examination of the case, you might want to turn elsewhere though (we’d suggest the 80s TV movie starring Michael Caine).  This film is just an excuse to show lots of flesh and blood in a 1880s setting.  Among the highlights of this film’s wacky Jack history – a fisherman pulled a victim’s hand from the river; the ballerina went undercover on her own volition to catch Jack to take the heat off her boyfriend inspector; and Jack the Ripper was arrested without incident.  History Channel this ain’t.  Of course, it is all made worthwhile when a police artist does this sketch of Kinski from various witness testimonies.

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Sci-Fried Theater: UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING (2012)

What do you think of when you think of the film UNIVERSAL SOLDIER? Plastic soldier outfits. Jean Claude Van Damme's moussed hair. Dolph Lundgren's awesome nutballery. Confusingly numbered sequels... After the 1992 original, in 1998 Showtime and The Movie Channel decided to produce UNIVERSAL SOLDIER II: BROTHERS IN ARMS and UNIVERSAL SOLDIER III: UNFINISHED BUSINESS intending them to be pilots for a series that never got off the ground. In 1999 a proper sequel was produced in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN. By proper I mean featuring at least one returning cast member (Van Damme as Luc Deveraux). The lackluster production pretty much killed the franchise and ironically featured the tag line "Prepare to become obsolete".

A full decade later, John Hyams (son of the hit and miss Peter Hyams) decided to tackle the material with both returning stars, Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren. Throw in UFC's Andrei "The Pitbull" Arlovski and you have a masterpiece, right? Uhhhh, no. Using one of the most irritating, budget-saving action movie cliches, "science fiction" is envisioned by having a bunch of guys fight in an abandoned refinery. Imagine my surprise to discover that Hyams was attempting another sequel, not only with Van Damme, Lundgren, and Arlovski returning, but with the addition of our golden-boy of modern action flicks, Scott Adkins! Holy crap, prepare to mark out! So if you're like me, you'd probably think that Hyams is going to waste all of that talent on another cheap, forgettable sequel... and you would be wrong. Dead wrong. [edit: Since this review was written, I've gone back and revisited UNIVERSAL SOLDER: REGENERATION (2009), and realize I let a few annoying details ruin an otherwise solid solid film. It still isn't anywhere near the insanity of this film, but it's definitely an enjoyable outing with some great stunt work].

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING is like UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, in the same way GWAR is like Winger or a Pagani Zonda is like a Toyota Prius. There are some similarities, but they are really not the same at all.

Starting off with a fantastic sequence in which, through the eyes of average schmoe John (Scott Adkins), we see him check his home for the monsters that his daughter is afraid of at night. After checking every room in the house, he opens the kitchen door and there they are. Three men in black who beat John senseless with a tire iron and then one takes off his balaclava to reveal that he is Luc Deveraux (Van Damme). He then executes John's wife and child with extreme prejudice. It's a scene that would normally feel cliched and old hat, but here Hyams makes it very engaging and interesting by making it a first person view, complete with slightly blurred tunnel vision from being woken up in the middle of the night, somewhat reminiscent of some of the first person scenes in ROBOCOP (1987).

Waking up in an oddly large, modern hospital room after being in a coma for almost a year, John is visited by a Fed who is interested in having John track down the man who killed John's family. Of course, John is pretty damn interested in this guy too, and after leaving the hospital sets out on a path of revenge. Only one problem: he can't remember a damn thing about his past other than the murders of his family. This means he must stumble around in the dark (sometimes literally) in order to find clues, though it isn't too hard since the clues invariably find him, usually by way of Deveraux's newest recruit, Magnus the plumber (Arlovski). At the same time we discover that Deveraux is a cult leader of a group of mindless super-soldiers who rally around a new religious symbol and the preaching of the amazingly still-alive Andrew Scott (Lundgren channeling his Street Preacher role from 1995s JOHNNY MNEMONIC). Deveraux has apparently developed some sort of mind-control serum that counters the military's programming in their UniSol experiments and claims he is freeing their minds. Instead he is simply turning the control over to himself, so that he can use a group of bloodthirsty killing machines to do his bidding and retaliate against the government who created them.

That is essentially the spoiler-free version of the plot, but for the most part this movie is not about plot. In spite of the the fact that it is the most plot intensive films of the series, there is no hand-holding and spoon-feeding of a story going on here. You grab hold and hang on. This movie throws so much crazy shit at you at once that you will get whiplash from watching it. What Hyams has created is an sweat-stained, hallucinogen-soaked, enigmatic fever-dream that is not so much a blustery Sy-Fy Channel wannabe, but a brooding, nasty, bloody horror-thriller with brutal action setpieces. Dark shadows are bathed in glowing neon lights that flicker and strobe, splashing unreal colors around detailed ruined sets filled with broken objects and damaged humans. Often literally. To say this movie is visually arresting and jaw-droppingly off kilter is putting it mildly.

An audience member after seeing the film

While screenwriter Doug Magnuson borrows bits and pieces from SILENT RAGE (1982) and BLADE RUNNER (1982), it's APOCALYPSE NOW (1979) that DAY OF RECKONING owes a serious debt to. Instead of painted natives worshiping a bald and insane Marlon Brando, it's painted soldiers worshiping a bald and insane Jean-Claude Van Damme and it's John's trip (both literally and figuratively) up the river to find and kill the madman, that this film is all about. And what a trip it is. Hyams and Magnuson actually manage to build their own little world, in much the same way APOCALYPSE NOW created theirs. It's like the real world, but it's not. It operates on it's own logic, or illogic, as the case may be, and there is no anchor to reality. No scenes that bring a sense of normalcy, to ground the audience and to contrast what Salvador Dali called "the super-reality" of the bizarre world that John (who has no last name) encounters. There are a few scenes of exposition, but Magnuson isn't about to hand everything to you on a platter. You have to pay attention to action on screen in a way that resembles "slice-of-life" filmmaking. The only difference is, slice-of-life is usually reserved for charming character pieces from France in the '50s, not a straight-faced, disorienting orgy of destruction that made the man with too many first names, John Charles, comment that he was not sure whether he was watching a UNIVERSAL SOLDIER sequel or a SAW sequel.

If you are looking for EXPENDABLES 3, you are barking up the wrong tree. There are no jovial quips, self-referencing in-jokes or Hollywood gasoline explosion set-pieces with our heroes diving out of the way in the nick of time. There are great, gristly action scenes, one after another, particularly involving Arlovski (ummm... didn't Arlovski die in the last one. Come to think of it. Didn't Lundgren take a header into a combine in the first one?). In one scene he attacks John in a hardware store after a really impressive truck-vs-SUV chase and collision (in which the actors look like they legitimately took a beating). This fight, in which they attack each other with baseball bats wielded like martial arts weapons, is probably the highlight of the film for fight fans, as is the blood-drenched close-quarters fight between Adkins and Lundgren. As cool as those fights are, this movie spends much of its time throwing out utterly bizarre scenes, that hint about something, ultimately meaning nothing, but sure make for a wild ride. Wild like how, you ask? How about Adkins killing his own doppelganger with a shotgun in a rundown shack painted floor to ceiling with abstract images of a hooker, before having a drill press pushed through his skull, driving him on a berserk, blood-soaked rampage? And that, my friends, doesn't even put a dent in the awe-inspiring bizzaro-land that is DAY OF RECKONING, a film that has suddenly turned John Hyams into the most exciting action director around. Isaac Florentine, you have been one-upped. Dolph says "bring it."

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El Hombre Mofo: THE VENGEANCE OF THE MUMMY (1973)

Hard to believe, but in a few days (November 30) it will have been 3 years since Spanish horror film icon Paul Naschy (aka Jacinto Molina) passed away. One of the great things about Naschy’s work is it is plentiful (100 acting credits to his name) and so diverse.  Sure, he is best known for his Waldemar Daninsky werewolf series, but the man has touched nearly every genre. This is what makes Naschy great, especially if you are in one of those “I can’t decide what to watch” fits.  That is where I found myself the other night, shuffling disc after disc into my DVD player with nothing placating that movie-viewing itch I was having.  Then I grabbed this and all was well in the world.

THE VENGEANCE OF THE MUMMY opens in ancient Egypt with Amenhotep (Paul Naschy), Pharaoh of the 18th dynasty, ruling as a dictator over his people (nerd voice: they never say which Amenhotep as this period actually had 4 pharaohs with that name). To establish his cruelty, they show him and his bride, Amarna (Rina Ottolina), delighting in the torturing of three young women.  This has to be stopped and Am-Sha, High Priest of Amen-Ra, gets a servant to poison their wine.  With Amenhotep paralyzed, he is mummified and told his spirit will never be allowed to cross over into the afterlife and instead will lurk for eternity in the shadows.  Damn, Am-Sha ain’t playing around.

Fast forward a few centuries where his tomb gets discovered by Professor Nathan Stern (Jack Taylor) and Abigail (Maria Silva).  They take their findings back to the British Museum of Natural History where they share their findings with Sir Douglas Carter (Eduardo Calvo) and his daughter Helen (Ottolina again). (A firm date is never established but the style of dress suggests early 20th century.)  Of course, if you have an actress playing a double role, you know she is going to be the object of someone’s affection/attention later in the film.  This happens when an Egyptian man named Assad Bey (Naschy again) and his accomplice Zanufer (Helga Line) show up at the museum to check out this magnificent mummy.  Naturally, Bey is the descendent of Amenhotep and steals the body in order to bring him back to life. The rather elaborate process involves needing the blood of 3 female virgins (no wonder they didn’t set it in modern times). The mummy (Naschy once again under the make up) is resurrected and gets a twitch in his crotch bandages when he sees Helen, realizing he can use this dead ringer as a vessel for the soul of his old flame.  So now we'll need 7 more virgins to get her soul switched.  Stern begins to suspect something is not right and takes his fears to a police chief, who can’t be bothered (seriously, this guy is the least effective British officer ever and that says a lot).  So it is up to Stern and Abigail to stop these mummy worshippers.

THE VENGEANCE OF THE MUMMY certainly ain’t your daddy’s mummy.  Like he did with his werewolf films, Naschy has infused the script with his own style while paying tribute to the films that came before that he admired.  The film uses quite a bit from the Universal MUMMY series (especially the ritual involving leaves from a plant), but also grabs a bit of the style from Hammer’s THE MUMMY (1959) as well (the bandaged bad boy in this resembles the Lee incarnation the most).  Surely Naschy’s spin is nastier though and this might be the first gory mummy movie in the history of cinema (I wouldn’t count the Egyptian influenced BLOOD FEAST [1963] as a mummy movie).  Also, it might be the first film I've seen where the mummy seduces and kisses his leading lady.

Director Carlos Aured – who did four films with Naschy – offers up bloody stabbings and throat slashing.  There is even a guard who gets his head crushed.  Best of all, there is a sequence where the mummy smashes the heads of the virgins and the gore effect is something that could easily work today, nearly 40 years later.  Check it out:

This is also a handsomely mounted production by Aured.  Filmed widescreen, the movie has some really great locations. The house that Assad Bey does his rituals in is quite an ornate place and has enough age on it that it is downright spooky at times.  The filmmakers even managed to fit in some actual location shooting in London.  Sure, a lot of it is just establishing shots (like the earlier Naschy film 7 MURDERS FOR SCOTLAND YARD), but they do manage to get in one scene with Taylor and Silva conversing on the Thames with London Bridge in the background (don’t ask me why, but they decided to start this shot with a modern day cargo boat pushing by).  Seriously, you couldn't wait for it to pass?

Unfortunately, you have to take the good with the bad.  This Naschy feature is surprisingly light in terms of nudity as the only exposes breasts we see belong to Mr. Molina.  “Refund,” I hear you scream. Seriously, that is an egregious sin, especially when you have hotties like Helga Line involved.  I also have to question any film where Jack Taylor beats Paul Naschy in a fist fight.  A mummy returning from the dead?  I can totally believe that.  Taylor cold cocking Naschy with a 1-2 combo?  C’mon, Carlos, I can only suspend my disbelief by so much.  Finally, the really nice version of this out on DVD omits a scene (where the mummy interrupts a honeymooning couple and bashes the husband’s head against the wall before stealing his bride) that can be found on the Unicorn VHS tape (titled THE MUMMY'S REVENGE).  Of course, the presentation of the DVD will definitely make you feel better as viewers get a lot more picture information.  Here’s an example:

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Cinemasochism: BABY GHOST (1995)

It is mid-November so that means it is almost time for Thanksgiving.  So it is only appropriate that I watched this big turkey.  And guess what? I’m not thankful for it.  Yes, it is that time for me to squeeze in another cinemasochistic journey from director Donald Jackson and his crew of regulars including Joe Estevez and the inimitable Conrad Brooks.  Coming out the same year as his children’s endurance test LITTLE LOST SEA SERPENT, BABY GHOST is another shot-on-video stab at the kids’ video market.  And trust me you’ll definitely feel a stabbing pain in your brain after watching this one.

BABY GHOST opens with a theme song that will let you know exactly what kind of trouble you’re in for (sample lyrics: “Baby Ghost, I’m a Baby Ghost, Buh-Buh-Buh-Baby Ghost” and “I’m gonna scare yooooou.”).  We open in a high rise as child photographer Winslow Copperpot (Joe Estevez) is trying to get an unruly kid to stop blowing bubble gum bubbles during their session.  Sensing a long night, the boy’s mother sends his two younger sisters out to get some candy from a vending machine.  When the youngest runs afoul of a weirdo security guard (James D. Whitworth), she hides in a storeroom and discovers a tiny cigar box wrapped in chains.  She undoes the lock on it and unleashes the Baby Ghost. Well, I guess she does as all we really see is the box shaking on a metal drum.

Back in the photo studio, the mother is fed up with Copperpot and she and her family split, but not before her son leaves behind his handheld video game (believe it or not, this is integral to the plot later). Copperpot is stressed out and decides to relax by doing his favorite hobby – calling a psychic hotline!  He calls to speak to Madame Zora (Erin O’Bryan) and she reads his Tarot cards. Naturally, the reading is bad and she says “strange and unexplainable events are about to happen.”  Yeah, like wondering how can my career sink this low?  Zora is kind of freaked out by the reading and she decides to do her own and gets the exact same sequence.  Uh oh, time to punch out for both of them.  What Copperpot and Zora don’t know is – spoiler – they both work in the same building and soon find themselves unable to exit the place.

Meanwhile, outside the building two bungling brothers, Vinnie (Mark Williams, who also scripted this mess) and Rocko (Andy Hubbell), wait patiently in their car because they plan to break into the building and rob the place.  Back inside we have Copperpot unable to leave because the elevator is stopping on every floor.  He tries to get the maintenance man Elliot (Conrad Brooks) to fix it, but when asked to look at the elevator he stands there and gazes at the thing. When asked what he is doing, he responds, “You told me to look at the elevator!”  *rimshot*  That’ll let you know the level of sophistication we’re dealing with here.  Elliot teams up with the security guard while Copperpot somehow gets trapped in his own studio.  This gives us his first encounter with the Baby Ghost, which comes in, grabs a pair of scissors and starts cutting up his work. Man, Baby Ghost is kind of a dick.

Copperpot eventually is able to open his door long enough for Zora to come into his studio and then they get trapped inside again.  They go through the “you sound familiar to me” routine before they discover who they are.  Zora reveals her real name is Mildred Crabapple, which Winslow Copperpot finds to be a hilarious and ridiculous name.  Yeah. They decide they must combat this Baby Ghost and Zora consults her book on supernatural phenomenon.  This brings us to the film’s dialogue highlight when they are discussing what to do.

Winslow Copperpot: “Who you gonna call?”

Madame Zora: “Ghostbusters?”

Yes, nothing says cultural relevance than referencing the biggest comedy hit from 11 years previous.  Let me speed this up: they discover the box and find out that inside was the soul of a child that died in Arkham, Massachusetts in 1635. Whoa! An H.P. Lovecraft reference.  They figure they need to get it back into the box so they leave a trail of donuts on the floor. This almost works but gets foiled by Elliot and the security guard, both of whom believe this thing is a space alien.  They then try plan B which involves putting the video game in front of the box.  Even Zora finds it ridiculous that a 300-year-old Baby Ghost would be drawn to something that it has no idea what it is, but Winslow convinces her by saying, “Trust me, I have five nephews.”  Anyway, it works.  FIN!

Well, BABY GHOST did live up to the promise in the theme song as it did scare me.  I’m still reeling from the fact that I sat through this 86 minute flick in one sitting. Well, I did pause about halfway through to send my friend Dave – the unkind soul who sent this to me – a text that read “Watching BABY GHOST. I’m gonna kill you.”  To be honest, this wasn’t as painful as I was expecting.  Like any hardcore junkie, perhaps I am developing a level of resistance to the hard stuff?  Maybe Conrad Brooks is too soft for me and you’ll soon find me smoking Dave “The Rock” Nelson flicks?  Okay, let’s not get crazy here. This is still rough stuff that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  To be honest, this might be feature the best acting I’ve seen in any of Jackson’s SOV works I’ve seen.  The burglar brothers actually have a goofy rapport and some of their bits are genuinely amusing.  Had this exact script been shot on film with a Moonbeam budget, it might have been passable.  I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention the schnoz on the security guard, which might be the film's biggest asset.  Seriously, check this bad boy out:

Alas, we’re still talking about Donald Jackson in the 1990s here so you know the end product is going to be cruder than the Gulf of Mexico after a BP oil spill. “Fans” of LITTLE LOST SEA SERPENT will immediately recognize the creature from that one as the titular spirit here.  At least Jackson was resourceful.  A majority of the ghost footage is the little creep overlaid on static shots.  A few times they actually use the dummy live on location (by dummy I mean the Baby Ghost dummy, not Joe Estevez).  The one thing that I’m always curious about is if these films get brought up during the Sheen/Estevez family meetings.

Martin Sheen: “I’ve got THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT coming out this year. What have you been up to, Joe?”
Joe Estevez: “I’ve got LITTLE LOST SEA SERPENT and BABY GHOST coming out.”
Charlie Sheen: “Has anyone seen my Coke?”

This was actually Joe’s fifth feature with Jackson and he would come back for six more after this one.  I guess he was the Robert de Niro to Jackson’s Martin Scorsese.

Anyway, BABY GHOST is only for the bad movie junkie who feels the need to test their limits. Just like LITTLE LOST SEA SERPENT, this promised a sequel in the end credits.  I, for one, am happy that BABY GHOST 2 got aborted.

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