Cyber Monday: Project Shadowchaser Trilogy

Frank Zagarino dies hard!

Cinemasochism: Black Mangue (2008)

Braindead zombies from Brazil!

The Gweilo Dojo: Furious (1984)

Simon Rhee's bizarre kung fu epic!

Adrenaline Shot: Fire, Ice and Dynamite (1990)

Willy Bogner and Roger Moore stuntfest!

Sci-Fried Theater: Dead Mountaineer's Hotel (1979)

Surreal Russian neo-noir detective epic!

Monday, October 26, 2015

Newsploitation: The Rats are Coming! Stephen King Adaptations are Here!

Everybody has at least one. That film that you just know is not very good but you enjoy to death. Well, here at Video Junkie that list goes on for days and days. But one flick I totally dig that got a critical drubbing from the genre press back in the day is the 1990 adaptation of GRAVEYARD SHIFT, which celebrates its 25th anniversary today.

Stephen King’s “Graveyard Shift” short story first appeared in a men’s magazine in the early 1970s before being added to his collection “Night Shift.” Apparently King got the idea while working in an industrial laundry plant (he also got the idea for “The Mangler” then) when he let his imagination go wild during the drudgery. The story is pretty simple, telling of a guy who wanders into town and gets a job at a textile mill, where he joins a clean up crew that soon encounters some monstrous rats. Pretty thin for a movie idea but remember this was the ‘80s when every damn Stephen King story was being optioned into a movie. Hell, he could probably get $100,000 just for his grocery list at the time. Damn, I’d totally watch Stephen King’s BROCCOLI AND KALE.

GRAVEYARD SHIFT started bouncing around as a film adaptation in the late ‘80s. By this time over a dozen King adaptations had hit screens and Paramount just had a huge hit with PET SEMATARY (1989), which was the biggest King grosser ever. (Interestingly a Canadian vampire flick also called GRAVEYARD SHIFT shot before this film.) SEMATARY producer Ralph S. Singleton decided he was going to jump into the director’s chair with GRAVEYARD SHIFT. The script was tackled by newcomer John Esposito and, according to Variety, producer Larry Sugar acquired the worldwide rights to the film in February 1990. The production had a massively quick turnaround as they began filming in Bangor, Maine in June 1990 with the theatrical release via Paramount already scheduled for five months later in October. Singleton probably thought this was a breeze after being the Unit Production Manager on the big budget rushed production ANOTHER 48 HRS. (1990). The cast included David Andrews as the lead, a deliciously over-the-top Stephen Macht as his boss, and a supporting role from Brad Dourif as a rat catcher. The production completed filming in early August, offering just three months for post-production.

The flick made its penciled in debut date of October 26, 1990 and as the only horror flick the weekend before Halloween, it debuted in the top spot at the box office with just over $5 million. Yes, kiddies, films used to debut at number one with such a measly sum. It stuck around for a few weeks and totaled with $11,582,891. Proof positive that anything with Stephen King’s name on it would do decent numbers at the box office (the adaptation of MISERY would come out a month later and do even better; topping even PET SEMATARY as the biggest King box office film at the time). Is GRAVEYARD SHIFT a horror classic? Aw, hell nah. But it is totally something that I dig watching every ten years or so. Singleton was one and done as a director after this, but did get another King entry on his filmography as producer on PET SEMATARY II (1992). That we won’t be celebrating any anniversaries for.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Halloween Havoc: DEMON HUNTER (1983), ALL OF THEM WITCHES (1996) & KM 31 (2006)


In a rural village Turrubiates (Rigoberto Carmona) kills the local witch-doctor Tobias (Jose Tablas) with a 2x4 after his baby is stillborn. Rumors start spreading around the village that Tobias, being a practitioner of magic, is not going to stay dead and that he will be coming after Turrubiates for revenge. After Turrubiates tries to kill his corpse with a silver crucifix dagger, Tobias' corpse kills him and now he is pissed off at the rest of the village for turning a blind eye to the fact that Turrubiates beat an old man to death with a board. Tobias transforms himself into a wolfman - sorry, a nahual and proceeds to paint the village red. Unfortunately, mostly all we see is people screaming with blood on their faces. Even worse, we only really get a good look at the wolfman in the last 10 minutes of the film. Not that it's a total deal-breaker for the movie, but the movie really could use some monster action interspersed throughout.

A nahual (not to be confused with the Aztec language nahuatl), in case you aren't up on your native American folklore, is a man who is able to transform into a jaguar or puma, or in this case a wolf/man hybrid ala Universal's THE WOLF MAN (1941).  This sort of hybrid classic horror mixed with Mesoamerican mythology may not be anywhere near perfectly presented here, but it is a really cool concept, in spite of the film's many flaws. Did I mention it has flaws? The first hour of the film is pretty much action free, though we do get some interesting characters such as the fire and brimstone, asshole priest that turns out to be a hero by melting down the church's silver chalice into bullets, and a few atmospheric moments, once we get into the final act. If they had just spaced out some appearances of the nahaul, before the final act, the film would have been more than a minor classic.

Brought to us by long-time low-rent writer-director Gilberto de Anda, this is one of those titles that you could find in almost literally every Mexican video store back in the late '80s / early '90s. I may be viewing it with rose tinted glasses, but in spite of the fact that we don't even get an old school stop-motion, progressive transformation sequence, it still has some charm and the final wolfman costume is actually surprisingly good for such a low budget film.

Even Mexican exploitation super-star Valentín Trujillo wants a piece of the nahual.


In recent years (by which I mean the '90s and '00s because I'm old), Spanish cinema suddenly re-commandeered the horror-thriller crown that it wore so well in the '70s. Soon we had the likes of Jaume Balaguero and Juanma Bajo Ulloa creating films that were not only gripping with fear and dripping with dread, but also beautifully photographed. Like so many other countries that have a had brief runs of groundbreaking films (I'm looking at you Korea), soon things slipped from cutting edge to commercial and the bubble burst. As far as I can tell, Mexico has not had a bubble, per se, but a well paced evolution of cinema.
A young woman, Dolores (Susana Zabaleta) suffers a mental breakdown after her friend is murdered at her door. Her rather unsympathetic husband, Andres (Alejandro Tommasi), feels that the best course of action is for her to stay locked in their apartment 24/7 except for visits to her blandly disconnected shrink (Ricardo Blume). An envelope full of dirt, cryptic messages, scraps of notes hidden in books; a progression of stranger and stranger events that has Dolores realizing that it's not just her sanity that is in danger.

Director Daniel Gruener and writer Gabriel González Meléndez's psychological horror film, originally rather blandly titled SUPERNATURAL and coupled with an uninspired '90s poster, is definitely doing the art-house horror thing. Filled with surreal touches and beautifully composed shots, the film eschews the visceral aspect of the story and focuses on the bizarre origami plot and the mounting horror of the lead character who begins the film thinking she has seen the worst. I can't give out spoilers, because if this sounds like your kind of movie, it is best watched cold. The movie tips the hat to Dario Argento in several spots and makes a reference, if you haven't already caught it, to ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968), but doesn't actually lift anything from any of those films, which makes it a nice change of pace from the allegedly "homage" filled genre films we've been getting 20 years later.

The film features all of the engrossing art direction and finely honed performances of the Spanish horror-thrillers of the era, but with less of an emphasis on perverse cruelty that the Spanish are so good at. Better still Zabaleta's acting carries the film from it's Bunel-ish opening to it's EC comics-ish twist ending.

KM 31 (2006)

Just in case you think that the praise is getting a bit too effusive in my mess o' Mexican movies, I bring you this overbearing, cookie cutter horror film made right squarely in the middle of the mess of Hollywood remakes of Japanese ghost movies. KM 31 (which stands for "Kilometer 31", or "Mile Marker 31" in American talk), nails down every single, gruelingly annoying cliche, twice removed from the films that made waves across oceans in the late '90s.

After her sister is in a horrible accident at KM 31 a plucky 20-something, Catalina (Iliana Fox), starts hearing her sister's voice in her head, in spite of the fact that the sister, Agata (also Iliana Fox), is in a coma and missing her legs. Compelled to go to the site of the accident with her almost-boyfriend Nuno (Adrià Collado) and Agata's boyfriend Omar (Raúl Méndez), they start experiencing the usual checklist of horror trappings that are still scaring impressionable teens here in 2015.

Shakey Cam? Check.
Washed out colors? Check.
Lots of weepy, emotional scenes? Check
Creepy children with black eyes? Check.
A character who shockingly turns out to be a ghost? Check.
A creepy old lady who knows all the answers? Check.
Screaming CGI ghosts with rotting faces? Check.
A gruff, but well meaning cop who is apparently so not busy with police work that he dedicates all of his time to investigating the numerous deaths at KM 31 and totally believes in ghosts? Why yes, of course. Check.

Young, hip director Rigoberto Castañeda, when not posing for photo-shoots, has made a small, spotty career out of delivering derivative, banal drivel wrapped up in a slick and glossy looking package. His break-out movie is the US produced thriller BLACKOUT (2008), which is probably the most derivative and banal titles you could possibly use post turn of the century. His latest film after working in Mexican TV dramas is, wait for it, a sequel to KM 31, titled KM 31: NO RETURN (2015), which pretty much describes my feelings for KM 31. I won't be going back.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Halloween Havoc: OCCULT DIMENSIONS (1988) aka DON'T PANIC

The late '80s was a lot of things, but no matter who you were, you knew who Freddy Krueger was, which meant that if you were in the film business, you wanted to cash in on the world-wide success  of the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET franchise. Even if you were in Mexico.

Ruben Galindo Jr, (aka Ruben Galindo Ubierna) son of famed, prolific filmmaker Ruben Galindo (aka Ruben Galindo Aguilar), was born in 1952 in Mexico City, but at a young age was enrolled in a Canadian boarding school in Victoria. After moving back to Mexico, Galindo Jr. did some of his collegiate general ed before moving to California and graduating UCLA with a film and television degree. He then returned to Mexico, yet again, and began making genre oriented films on 16mm. Galindo Jr.'s second film on 35mm was the hugely successful (by Mexican standards) CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985). This was actually a break-out film for Mexican genre pieces as it received distribution the likes of which hadn't been seen since the days of K. Gordon Murray in the '60. There was a major difference however, Murray's imports were reworked for American kiddie matinee screenings, CEMETERY OF TERROR was straight-up teen horror fare with zombies and bloodletting in the vein of the Italian horror films of the era. It would only make sense then, that Galindo Jr.'s follow up would be the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984) inspired OCCULT DIMENSIONS.


Poodle mulleted rich kid, Michael Smith (Jon Michael Bischof, who also provided the score) has been transplanted from Beverly Hills to Mexico by his snobby parents who promptly got a divorce after relocating. Michael's mom (Helena Rojo) has become an alcoholic to the point of leaving a bottle of silver tequila on the stair banister for those times when actually walking to the liquor cabinet is just too much of an effort. Sure, we've all been there. Stairs can be such a bitch. Speaking of bitches, Michael is having a drunken birthday party and decides everyone needs to go home. Everyone does except for a handful of his closest friends who decide to pop out from behind furniture and insist that they have a "game" of ouija. Michael, in a whiny way that will start to wear thin really quickly, doesn't want to play as he has had a bad experience before. His friends are pretty much total assholes, particularly Tony (Juan Ignacio Aranda), who contacts a spirit named Virgil. When Tony starts speaking as Virgil, Michael then flips out, as he is prone to do, and tells everyone that it is the devil! Tony, who is a total prick, laughs it off and dumps a bottle of tequila on the board before walking out. Damn these kids are spoiled brats! When I went to high-school no one would dream of wasting a drop of the precious fluid known as "alcohol". Not even for our dead homies.

After an obligatory romantic interlude with the new girl at school, Alex (Gabriela Hassel, who went on to appear in 1989s VACATION OF TERROR), Michael starts having weird visions of his classmates being killed by a burn-victim wielding what appears to be a sacrificial dagger, or a prop used by an '80s metal band, I'm not sure. When he has these visions of these stabbings, his eyes turn red and he has trouble seeing, leading to a lot of pantomimed stumbling about... during which Michael freaks out. I told you, Michael's emotional state is like that of a five year old. I guess it is only appropriate that he spends half of the movie in some awesome dinosaur pajamas, reflecting his child-like state of mind. Galindo was doing some thinking here.

While his mom freaks out in an over-the-top latin way, suddenly the news starts reporting these deaths that he has been having visions of. The homicide detective on the case Lt. Velazco (the ubiquitous Jorge Luke) seems a little lackadaisical about the whole thing, but maybe later in the movie he will start taking things seriously right? I mean, it's only been two murders with the same M.O. It's not like in the US where we have to have a dozen dead before anyone decides to not give a shit.

Michael's next freak out is Christine (Mindie McCullum, better known after a lot of unnecessary plastic surgery as Scottie Steiner's WCW valet Midajah). Michael suddenly decides instead of letting his friends get killed, that - and this is a stroke of genius - he will warn them! Of course we all know how this is going to go. Running out of his house (yes, still wearing his dinosaur PJs), Michael heads over to Christine's place only to run into her blow-dried jock brother Juan (future soap star Roberto Palazuelos), who understandably wants to kick his ass. He then runs over to the hospital where Christine works, but apparently nobody is allowed into the hospital. Maybe it's just because they can't take him seriously in those pajamas. Of course, due to all of the interference from hospital security, he is too late and can't save Christine. Still, it was a good plan, so maybe next time, he'll be able to save someone! Or not. The bodies pile up, but after a VIDEODROME (1983) inspired moment in which a face pushes out of the TV and tells Michael and Juan that it is Virgil who is doing the killing, the boys team up and, more importantly, Michael puts on some real clothes.

I'm probably going to sound like an apologist here, but while I've seen a lot of people saying that it is a NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET rip-off, it is definitely riding Freddy's coattails, but it really isn't fair to dismiss it as plagiarism. At the same time it is not wholly original as it borrows from Dario Argento as well as NIGHTMARE and the aforementioned VIDEODROME. In one scene our deteriorating villain (no backstory is given for his condition), shoves the dagger under someone's jaw allowing the audience to see the blade twist inside of his mouth. This is an obvious and direct lift from Argento's OPERA (1987). I think it is safe to say that Galindo is a fan of the Italian stuff as this feels like it would be right at home in the Filmirage line-up of the same era.

While the budgetary short-comings are a given, Galindo works in some good low-rent latex effects and some impressive camera set-ups. He also borrows Craven's use of horror movie film clips playing on the TV (technically not Craven's invention), though here instead of Galindo throwing a tip of the hat to a fellow filmmaker, he mostly uses clips of his own CEMETERY OF TERROR. Quite frankly, if I was the guy who had made CEMETERY OF TERROR, I would have clips of it in every movie I made afterwards, too.

The only real thing that strains the entertainment factor is Galindo regular Jon Michael Bischof. Bischof is such a wimpy man-child that, coupled with the pajamas (what was Galindo thinking?), he quickly goes from amusing to irritating. But then again, there are plenty of other things to keep your attention. Plus, I learned that Mexican schools are really strict. Michael has to bribe a security guard with a men's magazine to allow him to enter the campus late. Apparently not showing up for class on time is punishable by expulsion! Obviously they couldn't do that here in the US, because A: The schools would be empty, and B: Someone would get shot.

My favorite moment is the very end (minor spoiler) when the killer gives up his dying breath, Michael is laying in a broken heap on the floor, and Alex is sobbing over him, Lt. Velazco who you would expect to finally show some interest in the case, looks rather bored and simply turns around and walks off! I guess it's not his job to clean up the mess, right? I can't tell whether Luke is phoning in the role, to previously unknown degrees, or whether he is supposed to be such a hard-bitten cop that a possessed, evil killer with psychic powers doesn't even phase him.

This is definitely one of Galindo's easier films to track down as it was successfully marketed around the globe. It appears to have been shot almost entirely in English, presumably to make an inroad into a what was then a very lucrative home video market, but for unknown reasons, the Spanish dubbed version is the most commonly available print these days. Ironically, while quite successful in foreign markets, Gallindo's hybrid of US and Italian horror was not really popular with Mexicans which is why his directorial efforts of horror films only number a mere handful.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Newsploitation: Extra! Extra! Talking Severed Head Turns 30!

Okay, now I’m going to make you feel really old. Stuart Gordon’s RE-ANIMATOR came out thirty years ago today on October 18, 1985. Coming out of left field, it gave ‘80s audiences their Dr. Henry Frankenstein and did it with so much over-the-top flourish that became an instant classic. So raise your vials of glowing reagent to celebrate this vital birthday.

Based on H.P. Lovecraft’s short story “Herbert West - Re-Animator” from 1922, RE-ANIMATOR came about when Chicago theater director Gordon was looking for something new to adapt to the stage and read Lovecraft's serialized story at the library. Gordon, playwright Dennis Paoli and fellow writer William Norris then considered making their loose adaptation into a TV series. Fate intervened when they met producer Brian Yuzna. The producer had been looking for a project to launch his filmmaking career and this proved to be a perfect fit. Eventually the group got in bed with Empire Pictures’ Charles Band and the rest is history. Filming began in November 1984 with a main cast of young unknowns in their first few years working in Hollywood including Barbara Crampton, Bruce Abbott, and Jeffrey Combs.

As an independent theatrical outfit Empire Pictures was just barely scraping by. Their biggest hits to date had been TRANCERS (1984) and GHOULIES (1984), which went out to a few dozen theaters upon release. RE-ANIMATOR was their first wide release and by wide we mean only 129 theaters the weekend of October 18. I wish I could tell you that it was a blazing success right out of the gate, but RE-ANIMATOR didn’t even crack the top ten with a haul of $543,728. However, there is something interesting to say about this - the film garnered a per-screen-average of $4,214, which was double what any film in the top five (including COMMANDO, REMO WILLIAMS and SILVER BULLET) made. Had it gotten to over 1,000 screens like those flicks, it would have killed the competition. Ultimately, it would make just over two million in its U.S. theatrical run, ending up Empire’s third highest grosser overall following later releases TROLL (1986) and ELIMINATORS (1986). Where RE-ANIMATOR truly found its audience was on home video and cable. I can still remember my mom renting me the Vestron VHS from our Farm Fresh supermarket. If only she had known.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Halloween Havoc: FANGS - THE WOLF MAN (1991)

Thanks to Jerry Warren and K. Gordon Murray, most of the exposure that the English speaking world has had to Mexican cinema has been the campy kind. Made even more so by terrible dub jobs, chainsaw editing and sometimes reshot inserts. I'm not saying that these patchwork releases are deserving of ire or even not entertaining, I'm just saying that not all Mexican horror cinema falls in the much over-used "so bad it's good" category. Sometimes in spite of budgetary shortcomings, they are solidly crafted entertainment.

A lowly race horse trainer, Cristobal (Miguel Angel Rodriguez), has nightmares of crawling through underground tunnels, a girl in a white gown and being bitten by something. In his miserable real life, he has to deal with the nightmare of a rich, sneering horse owner Roman (Jose Elias Moreno) who treats him like dirt any chance he gets because he is jealous of his girlfriend, Susana (Olivia Collins), engaging in idle chat with the lower classes. Adding to his troubles is the fact that he desperately wants to be with Susana, and his snobby ex, who has moved up in social circles, wants to get back together with him.

The next night he sees the woman in white from his dreams near the stables and he chases her through fog into underground tunnels where he finds a jewel encrusted idol. You'd think this would be where a giant boulder would roll out of nowhere to crush him, but instead the girl in white tells him that he can keep it. It is the key to unlock his soul and has the power to release his ancestors, the only catch is if he misuses its power, he will pay an ambiguous price. Suddenly Cristobal wakes up from the dream, but sees that the idol is sitting on his dresser. Was it real after all? Who cares because he's now rich! One by one he sells off the jewels to buyers who seem hypnotized by their beauty.

Flush with cash, Cristobal starts getting cocky and some weird things start happening to him, including tearing into a chunk of raw meat with animal frenzy. When Roman sets his thugs on Cristobal out of jealousy, Cristobal savagely beats them, breaking one of their arms to the point where the bone sticks through the skin. Can't say they weren't asking for it though. With each jewel things get stranger and stranger until he finally finds himself transforming into a wolf-like creature who is running around at night, retrieving the stones by tearing the new owners to pieces.

That description really doesn't do this film justice. This low-budget outing was directed by Rene Cardona III and written by veteran exploitation writer/producer/director Ruben Galindo Aguilar (credited as Ruben Galindo) the man responsible for 1973s SANTO VS. THE KILLERS FROM OTHER WORLDS, and produced Raul Galindo Ubierna (credited as Raul Galindo) who has a much smaller resume, but includes such classics as CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985) and GRAVE ROBBERS (1990), both directed by Ruben's son Ruben Galindo Jr. (aka Ruben Galindo Ubierna) Got all that? Good because I'm confused as hell. Sorting out the Galindo's is incredibly difficult, even in Spanish.

The first thing that becomes clear is that Cardona III and Galindo Sr. were genuinely trying to make a serious horror film, complete with dream sequences, surreal moments, expressionistic camera set-ups and the all-important fog. This is not a slam-bang quickie for the home video market, this is clearly meant to be a major release in the Spanish-speaking world.

During Cristobal's meltdown after selling all of the jewels, we get a major transformation sequence at the race track, Cristobal sprouts hair, fangs and his back arches and his face pushes out. Sound familiar? Yep, it's like Rick Baker on a budget, sort of a MEXICAN WEREWOLF IN... err.. MEXICO! The movie is just like AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981), aside from the lack of Nazis, nurses, porno theaters, and sarcastic walking dead. Oh, and no exotic local, or soft-drink spokesperson. Ok, actually it's nothing like AMERICAN WEREWOLF aside from a few key elements. When Cristobal starts really going nutso and slaughtering people in the stables, he wakes up naked, no not in a zoo with a bunch of live animals, but in a stable with a horse that ripped apart. Another tip of the hat comes when Susana, who is realizing that something strange is going on, finds Cristobal's clothes on the floor with some strange goo, ala CAT PEOPLE (1982). There's also a bit of JAWS (1975), when Roman tells the police chief that he will hunt the animal for a fee. If the plot had been a carbon copy of one or the other, I would have probably enjoyed it anyway, but as it was, I think you might be able to legitimately call that an hommage. Or maybe that's bullshit and it was just a bit of plagerism. Either way, it's a hell of a lot of fun.

The acting may be a bit "enthusiastic" in places; the tragic romance is punctuated the latin penchant for high emotions, but for what it is, the actors do an excellent job of not leaning into hamming it up. Rodriguez' sweaty, tortured transformation scenes may echo David Naughton's in AMERICAN WEREWOLF, but he is definitely giving it his all.

Cardona III was born too late to get the world-wide exposure that his grandfather and father benefited from during the '70s and even the '80s when the English speaking theatrical market was far more interested in distributing culturally diverse cinema. It's a far cry from these days where the only foreign film you are likely to see in a US cinema is a Michael Bay film that has been partially financed by the Chinese. It's a shame too, because with some solid backing, I'd love to see what he could do for the same $10 million that AMERICAN WEREWOLF cost.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Halloween Havoc: DIABOLIC INHERITANCE (1994)

After the death of a wealthy, eccentric aunt leaves her vast estate to her nephew Tony (Roberto Guinar) and his wife Annie (Holda Ramírez), the couple decide to move in. Once in the house, they do some cleaning. And some kissing. And a shower is taken and... find a room with a satanic alter! We know it's satanic because there is a big Chris Cooper style Halloween mask of the devil hanging on the wall.

Tony brushes off his wife's frivolous concerns saying that everybody knew about his aunt's love of weird stuff, like whatevs. Also in the attic is a picture of the Aunt at eight years old with a clown doll that is nearly the same size. Conveniently also in the same attic trunk is the doll itself. I should point out that it took twenty minutes to get to this point. Twenty! Most of this time is people making phone calls, travellogue footage of Mexico City and even stock footage of airplanes taking off and landing. Oh, and Tony looking for a job, for which he is having little luck because he has absolutely zero personality.

Annie becomes pregnant (conceived during a lengthy sex scene in a completely dark room!), and while wandering around the mansion, the clown doll comes to life and pushes her to down the stairs. The doctors manage to save the baby and now Tony's son Roy is now besties with Auntie's creepy clown doll. He swears that the doll is alive, but of course Tony just brushes it off like everything else in life. Well, except for kissing. Tony sure does love to kiss. Matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Guinar took the role just so he could get as much necking and groping as possible from the two female leads. Oh, and because it's shot on video we get noisy kisses, that sound like someone torturing a balloon animal, every couple of minutes. Did I say "two" female leads? Yep, still working at the same job, and in spite of being a complete dickhole to his smokin' hot secretary Claudia (Mexican soap star and Playboy model Lorena Herrera), she totally digs him and after confessing her feelings, they get hitched. If Guinar was the director, I'd say this was a total vanity project.

All of a sudden Roy has a step-mother and you know what that means. His life is about to reach all new levels of suck. First thing she does is decide that she doesn't like the fact that Roy enjoys hanging out with his homie, the clown. Not that he has anyone else to play with since they live on a massive estate in the middle of nowhere, but whatever, the clown has got to go! First she tries locking him in an armoire, and he returns. Next she tries throwing him in a pond in a park, and he comes back. Then she tries throwing him in a box and while driving her convertible in a rough area of town let's a dirt-bag steal the box out of the car (no really), and he returns. She then totally flips out grabs a pair of scissors and rips his head off. At this point I'm feeling kind of sorry for that clown doll. Not only does it not have a name other than "clown doll", but jeeze what the hell did he do to piss off Claudia? I mean, since she's been around, the only thing he's done is stab the criminal who stole him out of her car with a broken bottle! Oh, and he kills the housekeeper by telekinetically using a rope in the longest slow-motion shot in cinema history to grab her and throw her over the roof of the mansion. Don't ask, I don't know either.

Of course, this means war and the bitch has got to go! I say that like something exciting happens. It doesn't. Really.
(spoilers ahead if you care)
Clown doll teleports around the room and then comes after Claudia with a knife instigating a chase scene in which they run down stairs, through some woods, down more stairs, up some stairs, up more stairs, at which point she falls over a cliff and clown doll and Roy smile and shake hands.
(end of spoilers)

While this all sounds like some wonderful beertainment, it has so much pointless filler that you have a movie that could have been a TALES FROM THE CRYPT episode drawn out to 80 minutes. Not that it has the production values that are anywhere near TALES, hell these guys dream of being on-par with THE NAILGUN MASSACRE (1985), which they are not. We get scenes of climbing stairs, driving, drinking beverages, standing around, kissing, more kissing, going to the lamest fair ever and petting the animals, walking some more, having completely non-sequitur phone conversations that abruptly appear in the movie and serve no purpose for the characters or plot. Seriously, in one scene Tony and Claudia walk outside, close the door, walk to a spot on the terrace, take out cigarettes, light them and Claudia says "It's getting hot, don't you think?" to which Tony says "No, not really." Cut! Print! Or rather press stop on the video camera and on to the next scene in which Tony and Claudia go out for a classy black tie dinner at Aladino's and slow dance for a while. Riveting!

This one truly tested my fawning adoration for Mexican films and it may have tested a lot of other people too, as this was writer-director Alfredo Salazar's final directorial effort. As a director he started with the cult favorite horror-western THE RIDER OF THE SKULLS (1965), but only made ten movies in that capacity. However he served as production manager on NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES (1969) and wrote over 60 films, most of which are genre films such as the classic horror THE CURSE OF THE DOLL PEOPLE (1968), the infamous superhero flick THE BATWOMAN (1968) and lucha films such as SANTO AND THE BLUE DEMON VS. DRACULA AND THE WOLFMAN (1973). This makes me want to give him some props, but damn this movie is rough going.

Lorena Herrera in 2011