When I wasn’t careening wildly through life, during the ‘90s
I pretty much exclusively watched HK action films and Italian crime epics. Can
you blame me? The ‘90s were a sucking black hole for anything creative. It is
as if the ‘80s used up so much awesome that the following decade had to go dry.
Horror movies turned into cynical, self-aware outings that felt they were too
cool to take themselves seriously, and don’t get me started on ‘90s music with
every freakin’ hardass band on the planet going unplugged for charity. The only
glimmering ray of hope could be found in your local video store under “sci-fi”
and “action”. While most of these jewels of gasoline-fueled goodness were the product
of Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi’s PM Entertainment, but not all. It was a
good time for action and an even better time for cyborgs.
THE TERMINATOR (1984) is responsible for inspiring low-budget filmmakers in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, but it was two other films that really lit a fire under their asses: Albert Pyn’s CYBORG (1989) with its motto of “no money, no time, no problem”, and THE LAWNMOWER MAN (1992), which proved that you don’t have to be good, or even liked, to make a buttload of cash. Soon cyborgs and virtual reality movies began flooding the direct to video market which can only mean one thing. Network television took notice.
THE TERMINATOR (1984) is responsible for inspiring low-budget filmmakers in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, but it was two other films that really lit a fire under their asses: Albert Pyn’s CYBORG (1989) with its motto of “no money, no time, no problem”, and THE LAWNMOWER MAN (1992), which proved that you don’t have to be good, or even liked, to make a buttload of cash. Soon cyborgs and virtual reality movies began flooding the direct to video market which can only mean one thing. Network television took notice.
Tapping the prodigious talents of Aussie director Richard
Franklin and erm, Kim Cattrall, ABC television productions decided that they
wanted a piece of this lucrative market. In modern times we have TV studios
sinking tens of millions into a series, but back in the day it wasn’t like
that. TV movies have always been cheap, but particularly during the ‘70s,
filmmakers would be forced by this poverty to get creative and make an
interesting script and some clunky, but endearing effects work. TV movies such
as ABC’s CONDOR (1986) proved this with panache. So what do we have seven years
later?
Kim Cattrall stars as Delilah, a secret agent for an
unspecified government organization that is trying to get the goods on a greasy
Greek businessman named Kasharian (Yorgo Voyagis) by working as his secretary.
Kasharian is involved in some nasty deals with the world’s most wanted
terrorist named, what else, Carlos. The only way to get the dope on him is to
steal the manifest logs of his illegal arms trading which is, no joke, kept on
a floppy disc in the cabinet of the employee break-room next to the coffee
maker. Naturally she gets caught after her bitter co-worker, jealous of the
boss’ roving eye, snoops on her computer. The Greek and two of his henchmen
drive her out to the woods at dusk and empty their clips into her after
throwing her down a hill. It must have been a long car ride as she is literally
caught while on her lunch break. You’d think any secret agent worth their salt
would be able to devise some sort of escape plan during a six hour drive!
Delilah’s “runner” Paul (Billy Zane) has a thing for her (as evidenced by earlier bouts of cloying flirtation), and can’t stand to see her all shot up and dead, so he takes her back to the agency’s super-secret labs and begs a scientist to use her as a test subject for his current experiment. Turns out this experiment is to use cybernetic technology to create the ultimate secret-agent! Kim Cattrall as a cyborg secret agent? Holy jeezus, is this heaven? The answer is a resounding no. It’s exactly the opposite. A deep, dark, burning polar opposite filled with suffering and torment.
After a bizarre, forced and way too long scene in which Paul and Delilah laugh in the rain after her hand shocks him, she returns to the agency. Now she gets some flesh put on her limbs
(phew, no more spendy effects!), and is informed that she has had an implant in
her brain that allows her to learn anything at an accelerated pace. What to do
with this new found ability? Highly specialized combat and espionage training, right? Try achieving her lifelong dream of becoming a
concert-quality pianist! Now this is riveting television! She also
learns how to fight (ummm, wouldn’t this have been covered in her basic
training?), do gymnastics, shoot a gun very well (which leads to Paul having
his delicate ego bruised at the shooting range) and play the electric guitar while
wearing sunglasses.
For the first time, the touching story of a woman trying to cope with acute cyborgosis. |
So you figure after all this, the action can begin, right?
They decide that since there is only twenty-some odd minutes left in the film
they should go after Kasharian and they do! They quickly kidnap him so that
they can talk to him in an interrogation room. MAKE. IT. STOOOOP! They convince
Kasharian that it would be in his best interest to double cross Carlos at a
meeting in an airplane hangar. Great. Now
we get some action, right? Well yes, after Delilah lines up for a shot with her
rifle about four times and doesn’t shoot, we quite literally get a two second
firefight that ends with Delilah (I am not making this up) tripping on a bullet hole in the pavement almost allowing the bad
guy to get away, but allowing Paul to show up with a gun in the nick of time so
Delilah can shoot the plane out of the sky in a bad ‘90s CG fireball. Speaking
of bad CG, the epilogue where Delilah sits on Paul’s lap and makes everything
vibrate while the two of them laugh uproariously until the windows of the hotel
room explode into the street is probably the worst CG I’ve ever seen in my
life, made even worse by the utterly idioticness (it’s a word) of the scene
itself.
If you couldn’t tell, this movie is all about relationships
and emotions. Imagine a TV movie from the Lifetime network that was incidentally
about a secret-agent cyborg and you kind of get the idea. As the newly minted robo-hottie,
Cattrall is far too cute and girlie for the role. There is nothing in her sweet, bubble-headed nature that suggests that she could possibly be a secret agent much less any
sort of potential threat to a terrorist organization. She does look good in tight pants
though. On the other hand, Billy Zane’s uhhh, “acting style” is much more
suited to playing a robot as the barest of human emotion (in an extremely
emotional movie) is a task of Herculean proportions that he is not able to
overcome. Aside from his patented, ludicrous half-smile that he seems to take
great pride in, his performance can be found on the periodic table under Pb 82.
To make matters worse, the film is simply scene after scene of two people
talking about their emotions to the cheesiest of early ‘90s music. Don’t
believe me? Here is a sample of dialogue from the 50 minute mark:
Geeze, show a little backbone, will ya? |
Delilah: “Sometimes I feel like it is going to be ok. I don’t know exactly how or why, but I feel that way… and then it all comes crashing down around me. Everything… what I’ve lost and I don’t know if I’m going to make it.”
Paul: “You’re going to make it.”
Delilah: “You so sure?”
Delilah: “You so sure?”
Paul: “If anyone on this Earth can, it’s you.”
Delilah: “You really think that?”
Delilah: “You really think that?”
Paul: “Yes, I do.”
Delilah: “You’re supposed to be the cynic.”
Delilah: “You’re supposed to be the cynic.”
Paul: “That’s right.”
Delilah: “Why the change in philosophy?”
Delilah: “Why the change in philosophy?”
Paul: “No change. I just figure if anyone in this world’s
got a chance of making it, it’s a beautiful woman who can kick a man through a
wall.”
Delilah: “Thanks, at least I got that to keep me warm.”
Delilah: “Thanks, at least I got that to keep me warm.”
'90s cliche #842b: The Slutty Hitwoman |
Richard Franklin may be one of the greatest directors ever
for one simple fact: he made a sequel to one of the biggest milestones in movie
history and it was not just good, but it was great. He will forever claim that
throne, at least until Michael Bay’s hotly anticipated CITIZEN KANE: APOCALYPSE
comes out. Unfortunately, this is a film that really should be left off of his
resume. It’s so bad, I feel the need to apologize to Mimi Lesseos. Maybe, if I'm lucky, she'll take me back.