To date the only W.I.P. (Women in Prison) shot in 3-D and somehow I doubt anyone will be tackling this subject matter in this new 3-D era. The title is a bit of a misnomer as these are girls from prison but 90% of the film is prison free. The gist of the plot is six female prisoners are given a weekend furlough by Dr. Vivian Reinhardt so they can experience the real world before their release. Detective Jack (no last name given) has other plans as he intends to have each girl followed. Seems bank robber Johnny Bricker has struck again and, a year previously, he tried to hijack a bus with these very six girls in it. So bright Jack figures one is his girlfriend and will lead the cops to the fugitive.
The film opens how Orson Welles originally planned to open CITIZEN KANE: a prison shower scene that results in a gaggle of chicks getting into a cat fight. After being admonished, the girls set out on their separate ways and the audience gets a series of five vignettes telling how each girl uses her weekend of freedom to better her life outside the joint.
Segment 1: Kay visits boyfriend Mike the Pimp (FLESH GORDON’s Jason Williams) to tell him she is going straight. Things get off bad as he already has another chick there (a no-name who remarkably gets a “and Lisa Ashbury as Phyllis” line in the opening credits). Following a bit of girl bickering, robe-adorned and style challenged Mike proceeds to beat Kay, threatens to burn her with a cigarette, and forces her to perform oral sex on him. Naturally, she then declares she loves and misses him.
Segment 2: a frigid girl (whose name I’m pretty sure is never said) uses the doctor’s pleasure pad to finally overcome her puritanical upbringing that made her “a thief and drug addict” and please her sideburns stylin' husband Frank. Sex on multi-colored 70s pillows that would make a swami uncomfortable cures all, Psychology 101.
Segment 3: Joyce visits her former brother-in-law Ken at his auto body shop to apologize for killing his brother. “Eh, he didn’t do right by you,” Ken admits before offering a joint. Then a biker gang that only 70s cinema could provide shows up and force Ken to rape Joyce. “Women are all cows. You want to look at them, you look!” oddly philosophizes gang leader Hawk.
Segment 4: Toni visits her former sugar daddy Freddy, whose new hobby is body painting nude models (including busty legend Candy Samples). Toni tries to not let on that she has been in the slammer but that plan is blown to hell when her lesbo lover/cellmate Gerdi, also on furlough, shows up. Stalk much? Naturally, the compulsory cat fight winds down and Freddy gets his freak on with both groovy chicks. Segment 5: Cindy (Uschi Digard) - a “verking girl who vunce did 38 twix in vun night” - finally locates her man… bank robber Johnny Bricker! The two make out and make plans for his new cash before the cops bust the party up and accidentally shoot Cindy in the back. If she had been shot in the front, she might have lived! The film ends with the prisoners who (barely) survived their weekend condemning Dr. Reinhardt for setting Cindy up (she actually didn’t).
Are you still there? PRISON GIRLS definitely is one of a kind. No doubt influenced by the softcore 3-D box office success THE STEWARDESSES (1969), this one takes the skin flick subgenre and runs with it. There is so much flesh on display that it almost seems like a hardcore flick with the X-rated shots cut out. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that the filmmakers and actors have a history in the porn industry. Unfortunately, with a few exceptions, it is 70s ugly flesh that will kill the thrill. Naturally, the amateurish acting is an asset here as well.
Outside of the rampant nudity and bountiful bosoms, the audience is treated to a bunch of run-of-the-mill 3-D gags where people offer things toward the camera. All kinds of things from cigarettes to blow torches to hoes (the gardening kind, ya pervs) are poked at the camera lens to create some sort of “it’s coming right at us” effect. The opening shower scene offers the same shot over and over of a shower head spraying water towards the camera. Not on the camera a la PSYCHO (1960) but towards it. I’m sure all of it looked more impressive on a 40-ft screen.
Without the benefit of seeing this in 3-D, PRISON GIRLS is pretty grim stuff. The opening credits unfold over stock footage of older black-and-white W.I.P. flicks with some of the most haggard ladies on display. And even though there is a ton of unclad skin on screen, the film itself is actually depressing as nearly every girl suffers some horrible indignity to remind us that it is “a cold, cruel world” out there. The last 3 minutes tries to put a moral slant on it all, but it is too little, too late. Here is the final anti-establishment bit where a prisoner turns the tables on the psychologist (who looks like Harry Shearer in a wig). Take that, old lady!
I’ll have to come clean here and admit this publicly, I have a soft spot for this movie. It may be a soft spot in my head, but for aside from the execrable first 10 minutes and the execrable last 10 minutes, it’s a pretty damned entertaining not-too-kiddy animated sci-fi flick. Granted it’s no HEAVY METAL (1981) or ROCK & RULE (1983), not by a long shot, but it’s a damn sight better than the dunderheaded HEAVY METAL 2000 (2000), a film that tried so hard to appeal to its perceived target demographic that it managed to insult the intelligence of horny 13 year-old boys everywhere.
The basic premise which serves as little more than a bookend for all of the action in the middle is that there is a world where all of the galaxy’s crystals are mined by slaves. Why these crystals are so valuable and important is never explained, but they are red and shiny and blow-up when hit by laser-fire. The slaves are kept in line by robots wielding laser whips and the crystals are “fed” to an angry fire “god” and much cruelty and pathos ensue. Our hero Orin (Joe Colligan) while mining for crystals finds a sword who’s blade disappears and apparently this is part of some prophecy that we find out about as the sword projects a hologram of an old man in a white robe who speaks of a quest and a world above! Prophecy, schmophecy! Let’s get to the action! All of this leads to Orin escaping from the mines, running afoul of the evil Zygon (Anthony De Longis), the planet’s lavender-skinned dictator, and hooking up with a sardonic smuggler named Dagg (Carmen Argenziano).
The “world above” is a cool, pre-1950s style alien swampland with very ‘80s style dangers. Here Han So – I mean, Dagg, helps Orin fight off a pack of “Mandroids”, cyborg zombies that steal body parts from humans to outfit on their mechanical frames. Dagg grudgingly accepts Orin’s company and takes him on a ride to a few other galactic hotspots, raiding Zygon’s ship for crystals and landing on another planet to sell them and the Government fembot he liberated while escaping.
It’s well known that animators spend an awful lot of time by themselves and nothing shows it more than the sexy fembot. When Dagg uses her as a shield to escape, he didn’t realize how annoying her persistent bitching would be when aboard his ship. Dagg clearly is familiar with this situation. Putting her over his knee, he fumbles around trying to find the “personality” controls. The ships computer informs Dagg that it’s located in her... “posterior region” (yes, he means fembot's curvaceous ass). Dagg grins, slaps a gag over her mouth and opens up her ass. After playing around in there a bit, suddenly fembot is purring like a sexy kitten… Can you see the pasty, lonely animators dreaming “if only real women worked like that”? When the ship touches down on a planet fashioned after an Arabian market (what could possibly be more alien than that?), Dagg ties fembot up and has her auctioned off as a slave. Of course she doesn’t actually get sold due to Orin’s interference, and fembot nuzzles up to Dagg in appreciation. What is Irving Klaw shooting second unit here?
During all this Orin becomes attached to Princess Le – err, I mean, Kallie (the galactic governor's daughter) who wants to tie Orin down and keep him from kicking some slaver ass. Finally she gives in and the whole team sets out to bring down Zygon's evil corporate empire, complete with epic space battles, tractor-beams and hand-capitation courtesy of an invisible "light" sword (hmmmmmm...). If it seems a little heavy on the STAR WARS pilferage, you are correct sir, though Orin's relationship with Kallie is surprisingly reminiscent of scenes with the young Anakin and Amidala from the new STAR WARS films. In all honesty, the characters, the action scenes, the climax, hell even the hallways of the Zygon's main complex are pretty blatantly lifted from the original STAR WARS films. On the other hand, there's a completely different style for many other elements that have a "Golden Age of Science Fiction" quality to them with Arabian bars, bizarre plantlife and non-bipedal monsters.
STARCHASER pretty much died in the theater and that may have had something to do with the awful beginning and ending, or the completely misleading and absurd "A" sheet poster that made it look like some cloyingly cuddly MY LITTLE PONY IN SPACE type of kiddie flick. Or maybe it was just because the producers thought that it was a brilliant idea to make a 2-D animated film in 3-D. Basically you had flat 2-D images appearing to be overlapping at various depths so that the effect was like a pop-up book. Genius! As if that wasn't mediocre enough, the effects were computer generated and occasionally goofed, putting things that were supposed to be in the foreground in the back. Probably the most damning thing of all was that problems had plagued the production causing its release date to be pushed back, so that it ended up coming out about a two years after the public had become disillusioned and jaded by cheap 3-D flicks that were rushed into theaters. Almost immediately it seemed to find an audience on home video. Its quirky blend of modern and old school sci-fi, surprisingly good art direction, plenty of action and some now rather obvious and amusing political incorrectness, make it worth the watch if nothing else. As long as you can make it through the first 10 minutes and the last 10 minutes, you'll be golden.
LICANTROPO opens in 1944 as a gypsy woman is saved from two nasty Nazis by her lover, who is also a Nazi. She is pregnant with triplets and, according to legend, they must be killed because they are afflicted with the Curse of the 5 Pointed Star. Naturally, things don't go down well. Cut to 1996 and surviving triplet Waldemar Daninsky (Naschy) is a famous mystery writer. Daninsky is having chest pains and bad dreams though, so he visits cardiologist Dr. Mina Westenra (Amparo Munoz) who tells him just to take it easy. That is kind of hard on the man as he is working feverishly on his new novel and is dismayed by the killings happening in town on full moons. The two latest victims are friends of his daughter Kinga (Eva Isanta), who is also receiving threatening phone calls. Two inspectors and the coroner - who just happens to be Mina's father - are on the case but, naturally, scoff at the suggestion of a werewolf. Nope, instead they have a theory of a killer using a handheld garden hoe to kill folks. Heh, heh...hoe.
Perhaps I was subconsciously trying to ease my pain by watching FULL MOON (see review below) first because LICANTROPO (1996) has a reputation among Paul Naschy fans as being one of his lesser werewolf entries. I guess it worked as I enjoyed this one for the most part. Amazing how a shot-on-video crapfest can smack your sensibilities around and make you level out. This film has a lot of positives going for it. It is incredibly well shot and makes nice use of blue lighting. Director Francisco Rodriguez Gordillo definitely scores in that department. The acting is also good by everyone. Naschy, as always, gives a committed performance. According to The Mark of Naschy website, however, Naschy has repeatedly said that Gordillo cut out all of the sex and violence from his script. Genius! I bet he is the kind of guy who makes a BLT and leaves out the bacon and lettuce. A perfect example is the first murder of a prostitute. She is just walking down the street, pulled into a dark alley and then blood slowly pours out onto the cobblestones. You ain't Hitchcock, Mr. Gordillo, so give the fans what they want. Interested in seeing the film's gore highlight? Look to your left. Sad, ain't it?
Unfortunately, Gordillo seems to completely undermine his werewolf movie by not featuring much of a werewolf in it. Genius again! Naschy appears as the titular beast only twice in the first hour and each segment lasts roughly a minute. That is a shame as the make up on Naschy, while minimal, is pretty darn cool. He has these green contacts that work really well in the blue hued set ups. A majority of the time is spent on Kinga and her relationship with a priest's son and the two detectives talking about the case and their wild hoe killer theory. The end picks up a bit as Mina is visited by the ghosts of the gypsies, resulting in a great bit where they tell her the solution to Waldemar's problems can be found "In the woods...by the maple tree...by the old well." Cut to her digging a single hole in the woods and finding a gun with silver bullets. Damn, she's good.
Of course, this brings us to the films other big problem - Naschy's screenplay. I'm not going to pretend he had a genius script that was some classic that was torn apart by the director. This thing is cookie cutter stuff and D-U-M-B. You know there is a problem when you can guess the killer from their VERY FIRST line of dialog. SPOILER (run cursor over text): when you have the priest watching a TV report about the murders early on and saying, "It looks like someone is punishing the sinful," I think it is easy to tell who our mystery hoe killer is. END SPOILER Seriously, I've seen more complex SCOOBY DOO plots. And you have to laugh at the priest dad being all concerned about his son because he reads Poe and has horror movie posters on his walls. Oh, wait, is that a DR. GIGGLES poster? Shit, I totally agree with the dad now. That kid needs help! Like psychiatric help ASAP!
So compared to Naschy's earlier turns as El Hombre Lobo, LICANTROPO is a let down. Had it had the sex and violence Naschy had originally written, I think it would have fared a lot better. Of course, Naschy's penultimate turn as Waldemar looks positively like some Oscar winning material compared to his final portrayal of the role. LICANTROPO was supposed to be the final Daninsky entry but somehow B-movie legend Fred Olen Ray convinced Naschy to step into the role one more time for TOMB OF THE WEREWOLF (2004). Now if this was Ray circa late 80s/early 90s, I would have been down with it. Unfortunately, this is new millennium F.O.R.2.0 and that is definitely a bad thing. Running a scant 82 minutes, TOMB is an embarrassment for Naschy, especially being his final turn in the role. That said, Ray definitely dollops on the nudity. If only there were some was to make a Frankenstein's monster of these last two Daninsky flicks. One that uses LICANTROPO's production values with TOMB's exploitation value. Now that would have been a great send off. Eh, I'll just stick with THE WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN (1971; aka WEREWOLF SHADOW).
Unless you are big into the Uruguay shot-on-video horror market, chances are you've never heard of FULL MOON (1993; aka PLENILUNIO, not to be confused with a 1999 film from Spain with the same title). And guess what? You are still waking up, walking, talking, breathing, and going on with your life as normal so actively seeking out FULL MOON at this point in your life means you are some sort of masochist or dumbass (take your pick).
The town of Colonia is under siege thanks to a string of murders happening on full moons. The police are mum on the details, but the locals whisper of victims being torn apart, as if attacked by a wild animal. Covering the case for a local TV station is Roberto, a TV cameraman who seems to only hang out with kids (creepy). A couple of the kids head into the woods with a steak to try and capture the beast JAWS-style. What they run into is a creepy albino guy who lives in a shack. Roberto and a kid check out the place and get attacked by the guy before escaping. While everyone is conferring on what to do at the rinky-dink TV station, our albino shows up and unleashes the beast on them.
There isn't really much to say abou this one. Hell, the only reason I got it was to check off "See a film from Uruguay" on my cinema bucket list. I should have looked harder. I find it amazing that someone actually took the time to fansub this film. Think early Andreas Schnaas minus the budget and gore and you might get the right idea. You have to admire the enthusiasm by all involved, but it is amateurish on every level. In fact, the most interesting thing about the film is seeing a guy reading a South American edition of Fangoria. It makes sense that 90% of the actors are kids because, I suspect, that every sane adult was like, "Uh, I've got to go drink some Grappamiel" or something. Then again, maybe kids only got the sophisticated humor? The big comedy gag has some kids putting a condom in a friend's birthday pizza. "I thought it was an onion," the kid exclaims as he pulls it out of his mouth. This gag is referenced again during the final scene.
According to his own website, director Ricardo Islas started working at Channel 3 in Uruguay as a teenager and, holy moly, that is where a majority of this film is set. No doubt by the time he had reached his early 20s in 1993, he had enough clout to pressure his bosses to make this. The FX are really laughable. Most of the gore is kept off screen but the few instances remind me of the messes I would make when I was 12 (see above pic). The albino werewolf is downright hilarious and looks like a cross between a poorly drawn Tex Avery wolf and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. There is a reason Islas only shows it in split second shots. Take a look:
Sam Jones and Eddy Romero made a movie together?! Who do I gotta kill to see that?! Well, as it turns out, nobody. Sometimes cheap-jack DVD companies are awesome.
Fresh off of the classic, noisy, low-rent ninja actioner SILENT ASSASSINS (1988), Mr. Flash Gordon himself shipped out to the Philippines to star in the Mad Doctor of Blood Island’s guerrilla-war / drug-busting / espionage pot-boiler. The plot should be medicated with Ritalin as it scrambles from one completely ludicrous scenario to another barely hanging on to its own premise. Special agent Johnny Quinn (Jones) is trying to rescue his partner (who seems to be an odd candidate for a field agent, as he is in his 60s and looks to be on a cheeseburger diet) from a notorious drug-dealer’s jungle camp. His partner gives him a “laser disk” and just as Quinn is hauling him out of danger, a sniper shoots his partner dead. When Quinn returns to HQ, his boss (the inimitable Vic Diaz) is convinced that he is a double agent and killed his own partner. Naturally Quinn busts loose and must fight against both the agency, the drug-dealers and his partner's pissed off daughter (who eventually teams up with him) in an effort to clear his name and bring the bad guys to justice.
On the plus side this is a pretty damned amusing romp complete with quite a bit of unintentional hilarity; for example one of the people who is helping Quinn clear his name is a super computer expert, nick-named “Wizard” who instead of being your average, snot nosed Anthony Michael Hall type, is a short, bald, 50-ish guy with a cop mustache (the prolific Jaime Fabregas). As if that wasn’t snicker-inducing enough, Wizard helps Quinn kidnap his boss in a lightning raid complete with ski-masks and shotguns. Their get-away vehicle? His royal blue company van with the word “Wizard” emblazoned in giant letters across both sides.
Also amusing is the “laser disk.” A 1” brass coin with a hole in the middle that is inserted into a 5.25” floppy drive! Is there anything more entertaining than filmmakers who have only heard about computers in passing and assume that everyone has too? Another highlight is Vic Diaz trying to play the concerned father of couple of teen boys, one of whom he wishes wouldn't dress in the flamboyant, accessorized way that could only indicate one thing to a parent in the '80s: The "G" word... yes, he's gangsta! Oh and for some reason, the family keeps a python named "Alice" as a pet, who tries to eat at the table and apparently gets upset by family arguments. Hey, I've never been to the Philippines, this could be totally normal. Like those spongy, fluorescent pink hotdogs...
The down-side is that the film is so low-budget that it not only cannot afford much in the way of big action scenes, it sometimes simply wimps out on them completely. At one point Quinn and company break out of captivity in the docked yacht of the evil British drug lord (Timothy Hughes). They fight a couple of guards, but there are just too many. Wizard then heads off to the control room and makes an announcement over the PA system of free food and drink for everyone! Come and get it! In America, this would prompt most people to ask “what kind” before deciding to do you the favor of eating your food. Apparently not so in the Philippines, as the words “free” and “food” are like Yogi Bear and a pic-a-nic basket causing a tidal wave of humanity to swarm over the ship, befuddling the guards, while our heroes make their less-than-exciting escape. Another cop out is the car stunts are, with one exception, done so that the cars will suffer as little damage as possible (two cars get airborne, but only about three feet off the ground). Does someone need to drive them to work tomorrow or something?
Either way there is more than enough entertainment value to be found here for fans of ultra-cheap Philippine-shot flicks, particularly since the DVD can be easily found for about $5 to $10.
CASH ON DEMAND (1961) - I stumbled across this one in a Krytpic Army challenge from Mr. Kitley at Kitley's Krypt (that's a lot of Ks for one sentence) to watch films by May-born horror heroes Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, or Vincent Price. I ended up with two Cushing titles for some reason with the other being the dreadful MYSTERY ON MONSTER ISLAND. This one, however, is a keeper. Mr. Fordyce (Cushing) is an uptight bank manager who makes Ebenezer Scrooge look kind by comparison. He runs a tight ship and is on the verge of firing Pearson (Richard Vernon) over a tiny infraction ("It is a conspiracy!" Fordyce cries). But Fordyce soon gets a taste of his own medicine when he is given a surprise visit by banking security man Hepburn (Andre Morell). To say any more would ruin the surprise of this excellent thriller from Hammer studios. Adapted from a stage play, this is a small film with only one setting but plenty of great scenes. Cushing is fantastic in his role as the banking tyrant and Morell is also superb as his adversary. The rapport on screen is incredible and even more fun knowing that Cushing and Morell were teamed as Sherlock Holmes and Watson respectively just a few years prior. This is available in Columbia's recent ICONS OF SUSPENSE: HAMMER FILMS set and is a real find.
DOCTOR DEATH: SEEKER OF SOULS (1973) - Distraught after the death of his wife Laura, Fred Saunders (Barry Coe) turns to psychics to help deliver on her promise of "I will return to you." All of them are frauds until he runs into Dr. Death (John Considine), who has found a way to transfer a living soul into a dead body for only $50,000. Sure, Fred won't have his wife's soul but he will have her body with a new soul in it. Unfortunately, Laura refuses to allow a soul into her body. Fred says not to bother anymore because he is totally into his new secretary (Cheryl Miller). But Dr. Death will not be detered as he is the most persistent soul transferrer ever. This is an enjoyable early 70s horror flick that plays out like an EC Comics tale. The funniest thing is how Dr. Death is so determined to accomplish his goal. He must be a Scorpio. A great segment has Dr. Death showing the various bodies he has inhabited over the last thousand years. Look for former lead Stooge Moe Howard in a cameo as a Dr. Death audience member. This hit DVD recently via Scorpion Releasing.
PROJECT: METALBEAST (1995) - In 1974 a scientist procures some werewolf blood in Budapest and, for whatever reason, injects it into himself back in DC. He is killed with silver bullets by Miller (Barry Bostwick) and put into cryogenic freeze. Cut to 20 years later and Miller thaws him out to use in a military experiment developing new skin made of flesh and metal. Scientist Anne De Carlo (Kim Delany) has issues using a real corpse. Her problems get significantly worse when she removes the silver bullets from his chest and Metalbeast is born.
If I'm crazy for renting this back when it first hit video and not liking it, what does it make me if I decide to re-watch it 15 years later just to make sure I don't like it? This really feels like two scripts were just thrown up in the air and where they landed is how the filmmakers shot. Director Alessandro De Gaetano does little right as he keeps the monster off screen for nearly an hour. To his credit, some of the murders are gory. Also, the design of Metalbeast by John Buechler's MMI FX house is pretty damn cool and it is played by Kane Hodder.
There is one scene in there that will blow you mind though. It is early on and some folks are playing cards. It gets down to two folks as everyone else folds and this one guy says, "Show your cards." He shows his and has a Full House. Wow. No one can possibly beat that. Then the person he is playing shows theirs and says, "Royal Flush" and everyone goes, "Whooooa!" NO FREAKIN' WAY! Has that ever been done in cinema before? Here's an 11-second video of the beast being blown up to save you 90 minutes:
It's almost one of those crazy fanboy wet dreams that the studios love so much these days. Drooling fanboy's have long speculated "who would win in a fight? Jason or Freddy?" At the time Hollywood's creativity was at a point where they bravely stepped up to the plate and said "we'll make a whole movie about that!" Of course now, that would be too daring since it isn't actually a remake of a past film. Come to think of it, maybe they could do a remake of FREDDY VS. JASON (2003)! It's Anyway, one of my favorite underrated directors is Robert Clouse and one of my favorite actors is Joe Don Baker. What if they made a movie together? But wait, they did! My fanboy match-up come true.
During the Sung Dynasty a single gold statue was made for the emperor. A statue that holds acupuncture needles in the seven forbidden acupuncture points. When correctly used, the needles in the precise spots can rejuvenate the elderly and the infirm, and provide extraordinary sexual vigor (is there anything in Chinese medicine that isn’t supposed to give you a righteous hard-on?). If used incorrectly, however, the recipient will get nothing more than a painful death! Another reason it is important to get to know your doctor, I guess. This statue has been the Chinese Holy Grail of sorts, often stolen and briefly possessed by different people throughout history. And now it’s going to be stolen again.
So starts director Robert Clouse’s vastly entertaining east-meets-west action-thriller epic GOLDEN NEEDLES, starring the inimitable Joe Don Baker and a great Lalo Shifrin score.
The movie kicks into gear straight out of the gate. An old man, unable to move because of the stiffness in his joints lies on a table in a Hong Kong acupuncturist’s room. The acupuncturist begins putting the legendary golden needles in the patient one by one… with each instertion the joints begin to move and finally the patient is able to get down off of the table and walk out as if he was a lad of only a mere 65 years of age! That’s when the flamethrowers come in. Yep, not content to simply beat up an old man and a couple of hot young girls and take the statue, or villain sends in two goons in flameproof suits and full-blown flamethrowers torching everything and everyone in their path (ummmm… the statue is gold, wouldn’t the flames melt it?) . Now that’s how you start a movie about an acupuncture statue!
The mastermind of the aforementioned theft is crime-boss Lin Toa (Roy Chiao, recognizable to US film fans from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM [1984] and BLOODSPORT [1988]) who is in the process of painting one of his subordinates… no, not painting a picture of them, actually painting on their body, while raising the price of his nefarious deed on his buyer, a cowboy hat wearin’, southern drawlin’ American from… Ohio? Wtf? Anyway, Felicity (Elizabeth Ashley) get’s pissy about having the price raised and goes back to her middle-man Kwan (Tony Lee) to give him the bad news. Kwan is actually ecstatic about the news because he now believes that the statue is genuine and not some cheap knock-off (why would a Chinese man be so suspicious of forgeries, I wonder?)… Kwan is convinced that the answer is to steal back the statue and there’s only one man who can pull off this job and he’s… MITCHE… err, no, wait, he’s Dan.
Maybe I’m easily amused, but for my money there’s nothing funnier than seeing Joe Don Baker play a brawlin’ toughguy, playing Pai Gow in a Chinese bar, bellowing “Ah, soy!” when he loses all his “champagne money”. Even better he’s ready to turn down the lucrative job of stealing the statue from Lin Toa until he sees Felicity. Now you may be scratching your head thinking she ain’t exactly no Uschi Digard! But hey, the guy’s been living in Hong Kong for a lot of years and I’m sure that seeing an American woman is like beer-goggling with compounded interest. Or, as we find out during the negotiation, he could just be off his freakin’ nut. If some of his peculiarities in MITCHELL (1975) weren’t peculiar enough for you, read on.
After Dan decides that he doesn’t want to steal the statue, Felicity decides to haggle…
Felicity: “There’s nothin’ any good in this world that isn’t too dangerous.”
Dan: ”That’s not what my momma used to say.”
Felicity: “What did your mommy used to tell ya?”
Dan: “Well, she used to say, um, ‘wear your galoshes…’ ‘stay out of trouble…’ I been stayin’ out of trouble lately and I find it’s real nice.”
Felicity: “What do you want?”
Dan: “Hmmm… she used to hold my hand… she’d say ‘don’t worry darlin’ mommy’s here’.”
Felicity: “There’s 25 thousand dollars coming to Kwan, I can add five more, that makes thirty.”
Dan: “…used to hug me a lot too… say ‘everything’s alright, I love you’.”
Felicity: “Look, I’m begging.”
Dan: “Huh?”
Man, if a golden idol, flamethrowers and a crazy-talkin’ Joe Don Baker doesn’t grab you by the proverbial boo-boo, you got the wrong blog. When all is said and done, Dan decides he will steal the statue in exchange for thirty grand and a roll in the hay with Felicity. How does Joe Don luck out on all these classy parts? Oh, and he needs to be hugged and told “I love you”. Seriously.
Dan busts into Lin Toa’s upper level (how did he know the statue was there?) snags the statue only to be jumped by a couple of thugs who are, apparently, the only criminal badasses in Hong Kong who don’t know a lick of martial arts. After dispatching the mugs with some good ol’ American know-how, Lin’s stooges decide the best way to foil this robbery is to fill the entire bottom level of the building with snakes! Snakes! Why did it have to be… oh, never mind. Too bad they didn't realize who they were dealing with, as Mitch... I mean, Dan, has no problem diving head-first through a window to escape! Doh! They should have put spiders on the window! Dammit!
From here on out it’s double crosses and more action as the statue switches hands, the Chinese government sends in an ass-kicking kung fu agent (Frances Fong), Jim Kelly shows up as an antiques expert, and Burgess Meredith turns in the most eccentric performance of his career as a wealthy wing-nut in a bow tie that wants the statue for himself so that he can live forever and he doesn't care who has to die to make that happen! Still with me? That’s what I said, Jim Kelly as an ass kickin’ antiques expert. Uh huh, damn right, you better think twice about shoplifting that 16th century armoire, cause that dealer might bust a hole in your soul! There are some other great moments to be found in here, including a monster shellfish platter of doom, a martial arts donnybrook in an upscale Los Angeles athletics club, and Felicity claiming that she "can always handle boredom better in a bathtub."
There seems to be nothing Dan likes better than breaking glass and throwing things. Even better, throwing things that break... like people through windows. When the thugs kill Kwan by throwing him through a skylight, Dan settles the score old school by throwing two thugs through two skylights! That’s how it’s done in the US of A punks! In addition to ridiculous amounts of throwing and breakage, there's kung-fu fights a plenty (obviously someone was thinking that this might be Frances Fong’s breakout role - they were wrong), plus a damn cool foot-chase at the climax in which some of Lin Toa’s thugs decide to enlist the help of the locals to chase Dan down by yelling out that he killed a child. This leads to an angry mob of damn near one hundred pissed off Chinese chasing after Dan’s gweilo ass through the narrow streets of Hong Kong. That expression of barely controlled terror on Joe Don's face? Pretty sure you can't chalk that all up to acting. Sure it may be a bit of a stretch to think that Joe Don Baker could outrun anyone, much less a literal hoard of Chinese that collectively weigh less than a Volkswagon Beetle, but astute viewers will notice that the mob is kept at bay by his propensity for throwing things; boxes, ladders, bicycles...
Bob Clouse, is in my opinion, a totally underrated director that made quite a few entertaining little movies during the ‘70s for Warner Brothers, including that little-known film ENTER THE DRAGON (1973). His entry into the “Nature’s Revenge” slash “Animals Attack” subgenre, THE PACK (1977) is a more than worthy entry and his post-apocalypse film THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR (1975) is without question the inspiration for THE ROAD WARRIOR (1981). Clouse sort of slid off of the map, due to terminal illness, in the mid ‘90s after making some less than well received US/HK co-productions. Not to mention a series of notorious stinkers in the ‘80s that some of us still remember with misty-eyed reverence… I’m mean seriously, by my math, GYMKATA (1985) plus "drive-in" equals gold! It’s too bad that Warner Brother’s doesn’t take his work with them (other than ENTER THE DRAGON) seriously enough to at least give them DVD releases. Even to their cynical, corporate, art-blind eyes the amazing casting alone should be selling points. With GOLDEN NEEDLES, Clouse is definitely in his comfort zone and while it may be a bit too silly for some and not silly enough for others, it's definitely a must-see for Joe Don Baker fans, as sort of a kung fu cousin to MITCHELL.
[EDIT] Amazingly NetFlix has added a full-scope version of this film to their rapidly-expanding library of streaming films! Sadly still no DVD release in sight.
Once again, the enterprising Italians prove their merit with this announced but never realized modern attempt at the legend of Hercules. Luigi Cozzi had an international hit in 1983 with the Lou Ferrigno vehicle HERCULES so it seems only fitting his fellow countrymen jumped on the ball quickly. Sergio Corbucci had scored big a few years earlier with SUPER FUZZ (1980) so it is surprising this never got off the ground. I guess the challenges were limited. No doubt his "Based Upon an Original Idea by" credit came from a conversation where he said, "I got it! How about we set the story of Hercules in modern times? We'll call it HERCULES 1984! And we will release it in 1983!" In the end, it looks like a project that could have easily equaled the cheese of HERCULES IN NEW YORK (1970), the film that introduced Arnold Schwarzenegger to the world. Sharp-eyed Video Junkies click to make it larger and take note of the disembodied hands wrapped around one leg.
To paraphrase James Karen's character in RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, "I have seen weird sequels come and I have seen weird sequels go." You can't really get more misguided and strange than BATES MOTEL (1987), a late 80s attempt to bring the PSYCHO mythos to the small screen after two pretty darn good sequels (PSYCHO II in '83 and PSYCHO III in '86).
The film opens in 1960 with Norman Bates being sentenced to spend his years in an insane asylum. Also at the asylum is an emotionally introverted ten year old boy named Alex West. Alex's only friend is his stuffed bird and his doctor (Robert Picardo) feels the best recourse of action to bring Alex out of his shell is to pair him up with fellow bird enthusiast Bates (really!). Cut to 27 years later and the grown up Alex (Bud Cort) learns his good friend Norman has passed away and left the soon-to-be-released Alex ownership of the Bates Motel. Released into the 80s wilds, Alex makes his way to his new abode and, after securing some financing from banker Tom Fuller (Gregg Henry), decides to keep the place and run it with new found friends Willie (Lori Petty) and Henry (Moses Gunn). This can mean only one thing - 80s house repair music montage as Alex decides the place needs a Southwestern make over (really!!!). But strange things keep happening as accidents plague the construction crews and dead bodies keep showing up on the grounds. Is Alex still crazy? Is the place haunted? Or is someone trying to keep him from making the motel a success?
As I mentioned earlier, I like both of the PSYCHO sequels. I think PSYCHO II is just about as good as sequel as one could expect 23 years later as it is respectful yet presents a new mystery integral to the events of the original. PSYCHO III came a few years later with star Anthony Perkins in the director's chair and, while the slasher elements are given heavier emphasis, he does well as a director, even throwing some nods to his old boss Hitchcock in there. So what better way to squash a solid trilogy than creating a goofy anthology TV series based on the famous location? Fantasy-based anthology shows were all the rage in the mid-80s thanks to series like Spielberg's AMAZING STORIES and the revivals of THE TWILIGHT ZONE and ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS, so, go on Hollywood, give it your best shot. Uh oh.
It seems only fitting that Hollywood would latch onto one of the most successful horror franchises at the time. The concept of weekly visitors bringing their own unique stories to the Bates Motel grounds actually has some promise. What couldn't have been expected (but should have severely been stopped) was writer-director Richard Rothstein's attempt to wedge super lame comedy into the mix. Seriously, can you think of a funnier gag than a guy being released from an insane asylum and having a confused conversation with a chicken billboard at a drive thru? It's funny cuz he doesn't know what is going on! Whooweee! And who casts Bud Cort and Lori Petty together (the poor sound guy) and then tries to stoke the romantic flames? And also lets thank Rothstein for having the brain damage to make mass murderer Norman Bates a sympathetic character right off the bat. Yeah, nobody can show a shy kid the meaning of life like a guy who kept his dead mother in the basement and wore her clothes! It is doubly confusing and disappointing because Rothstein had previously written the intense HUMAN EXPERIMENTS (1980) and the underrated kid-being-stalked flick DEATH VALLEY (1982)
Not that the plot is any great shakes to begin with. You can guess the villain solely by the fact that this character is introduced and then rarely shown again. I've had more investigative and mysterious games of Clue. And while I tend to throw this line out there a lot, the climax is truly a SCOOBY DOO ending as the mystery villain you guess 20 minutes in appears in a monster get up and has their mask ripped off to reveal their identity. Ruh-row! This pilot also gives viewers a glimpse of what the potential TV series would have been like at roughly an hour in when suicidal Sally (Khrystyne Haje) checks in but soon finds her self destructive ways changed by a chance encounter with some ghost 50s teenyboppers (including Jason Bateman). So not only has the Bate Motel gotten a horrific make over, but the grounds are apparently a passageway for supernatural activity now. The show ends with Cort addressing the camera and asking folks to stop by for a visit every week. Thankfully, the viewers stayed away and this never got off the ground as a TV series. Whew, made it all the way through the review without one Master Bates joke! On the plus side, look for George "Buck" Flower as, what else, a vagrant.
Counsel for the prosecution, your opening arguments…
Have you ever told someone about how cool and underrated a movie is based purely on 20 year-old recollections? I have. The tagline of the movie is “Get ready for the ultimate display of brain power” which is ironic as I certainly didn’t see any displayed in this movie. Even funnier, the production company is proudly displayed as "MaloFilm", which is freakin' hilarious as "malo" is Spanish for "bad". Now there's an inconvenient truth!
The film opens with a Christmas party in which an ethnically diverse group is chatting about those crazy-ass “scanners” that everyone is talking about. Drunk Santa Dude swears that they are real and after a round of “nu-uhhs”, he calls over a funny-lookin’ spud in a toupee so cheap and obvious, that I swear the ghosts of Burt Reynolds and William Shater suddenly appeared next to me on my sofa laughing their asses off. Anyway, Drunk Santa Dude badgers Alex (Steve Parrish) into showing off his mad scanner skillz, as if he’s going to bust out some David Blaine card trick. Instead of doing what a real 20-something with psychic powers would do and pulling a Scott Baio, popping a girl’s blouse open, he decides to psychically push Drunk Santa Dude through the hall door towards the wide-open balcony doors. You can see where this is headed… Drunk Duchebag Dude slaps Alex on the shoulder, snapping his concentration, causing Drunk Santa Dude to fly out the balcony doors and plummet to his crimson death.
Alex, inconsolable, flees to a Thai monastery where, apparently, scanners never have any problems. Cue Asian monastic flute music and epic shot of Alex climbing a hill to the monastery.
Cut to Alex’s foster sister, Helena (Liliana Komorowska), who is also a scanner. She can’t stand taking her scanner medicine and has lost another job because of it. Lucky for her (and unlucky for everyone else), her foster father (the ubiquitous Colin Fox) is in charge of R&D of the brand new EPH-3, a patch application (subtle and inconspicuous with its brushed aluminum and flashing LEDs).
Daddy warns her that it’s not ready for use, but she just can’t stand the voices in her head, which apparently occur even when there aren’t any people around, and sneaks a patch. Hocus pocus, presto changeo, Helena is suddenly fully accessorized, sporting snappy black dresses, immaculate hair, glamour make up and ray ban sunglasses, and you know what that means! She’s now eeeeeeevil! And you know what eeeeeeevil people do… take over the world! Muahahahahahaha!! *ahem*
Top Sure Signs That a Scanner is Eeeeeeevil:
1. Wears Ray-Ban Sunglasses
2. Over-Dresses in Fashionable Black (or, on special occasions, Jezebel Red)
3. Two Words: Trendy Hairdo
4. Plays Pop-Metal Way Too Loud
5. Grins Maniacally While Crushing Fruit in Hand
6. Becomes Sexually Aggressive
7. Prone to “Wacky” Humor, Even in Death
8. Makes Birds Explode if They Poop on Their Fashionable Black Attire
In order to achieve her goal of world domination, Helena decides that she’s going to humiliate her condescending boss (by using her scanner powers to make him dance and do a public striptease in front of an important client), kill her foster father after trying to seduce him in a hot-tub (says family friend as they are wheeling out the body: “what was he doing in the hot-tub at this hour? He hated that thing!”), take over his company (aha! The title of the movie! Oh wait, that’s kinda lame), and buy the TV network that her ex-boss was after and use her scanner abilities to control the minds of everyone on the planet by providing commentary on a football game and revealing her master plan to the masses after making a football player's head explode. Phew! Got all that? Ummmm… most badguys just try to rob Fort Knox and stuff. Of course her incredibly Machiavellian scheme is unraveled by Alex, who returns to save the world from his now evil sister.
In addition to a needlessly complex and incredibly silly plot for world domination, Helena decides she is going to get revenge on the doctor who runs a clinic for scanners, that is actually a facility in which he keeps scanners as his own personal lab-rats, torturing them for his own sadistic pleasure. After confronting the doctor, the doctor admonishes her for being a rotten kid with a wag of his finger. You’d think he’d know that she is exhibiting signs of eeeeeevilness, since he’s such an expert, but no he wags his finger until Helena who has clearly had enough makes his finger… explode. Yes, if you follow the logic, if a scanner can tap into a person’s nervous system and you can make their heads explode, you can make them dance, burn themselves with cigars, and cause their fingers to combust. Fair enough.
Once Helena detonates Dr. Braumann’s finger and subsequently his cranium, she finds the patients, opens a suitcase full of EPH-3 patches and launches into a “funny” info-mercial speech in which she tells them to “act now to receive this special offer”, etc. Honestly, it's a full-on Ron Popiel schpeil that goes on so long that it actually stops being annoying and starts being unintentionally funny. Wtf were they thinking while editing this? Once the rejects are all patched up, they suddenly develop wacky personalities and look as they just got back from a try-out for a Blues Brother’s cover band. Lemme tell ya, the scenes with “funny” scanners really start pushing this movie into a realm of badness that is ruled by the mighty TROLL 2 (1990). An example of a comic highlight is when Alex is in the hospital, after sustaining a concussion from falling off of a ten-story building onto a police car, and uses his monastic training to temporarily stop his heart in an effort to get away from an evil scanner nurse (yeah, you read that right). After being taken to a morgue where the coroner is listening to opera music while performing his gristly duties (someone’s been watching RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD), Alex rises from the slab and says to the terrified coroner “can I use your phone?” to which the coroner stammers “is it a local call?” Wah-wah-wah... Man, talk about a looooong walk to get to that punchline!
While in Thailand Alex is visited by the aforementioned family friend who is attacked by Thai kickboxers being manipulated by one of the bad scanners (completely inconspicuous with his black suit, ray bans and blond hair that is pulled back to reveal his aluminum, flashing EPH patch). Naturally this leads to a scanner battle in the middle of a thai market in which the family friend gives his warning of Helena’s switch to the darkside before expiring. The evil scanner steals a tuk-tuk and before crashing, flips Alex the bird because there's nothing a good, Thai monk-wannabe scanner hates more than rude gestures! This scene must have seemed like a great idea at a time when a whole mess of direct to video martial arts movies were being shot in Asia on the cheap. It's even more amusing now that we have had real Thai action movies hit these shores in recent years, making our feeble gweilo attempts at fight scenes look even more misguided and sad.
Trust me, you will get really tired of seeing this.
In the final showdown, Alex battles Helena in a TV station that she has taken control of and instead of using his scanner abilities to simply remove the patch, they slam each other around the station until the patch actually falls off by itself. Helena realizing that she has done all this awful stuff (she screwed up the football game goddamit!), removes the scrunchy from her hair in shame.
Is there anything funnier than someone being telepathically killed in a revolving door? Pierre David thinks not.
The super cheesy final shot of Helena’s evil spirit cackling with glee while going in to the picture tube of the studio camera only hints at the no-doubt uncharted depths of absurdity that the follow up was to be. Apparently Pierre David had been courting the Canadian networks with his proposal for a SCANNERS television series and this film was to be the lead-in for it. One can only imagine how the pich-meetings must have sounded with David waxing poetic on his evil “funny” scanners on the small screen. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your appreciation of crap tv shows), it failed to get off the ground.
Amazingly this was shot back-to-back with SCANNERS II (1991), but feels like it was made years later. It shares none of the cast, none of the atmosphere, none of the story line and even the special effects are completely different and much more cartoonish. It also relies heavily on comedy and runs fast and loose with the premise as created by Cronenberg’s original. Christian Duguay returns as director and B.J. Nelson again scripted, but this feels so much more like cheap AIP Video sequel that should have had Sam Firstenberg attached to it. Particularly since we have a pretty decent chase scene and a really impressive motorcycle stunt that feels like it was totally cribbed from AIPs repertoire.
In absentia, Pierre David stands as the council for the defense…
Pierre David, in a recent interview, said that he was still very proud of his SCANNERS series and feels that it’s some of the best work he’s done. He went on to say that he actually felt his continuation of the mythos laid down in the original is superior to Cronenberg’s film! As evidence of this David refers to the fact that his scanners move their heads when using their powers, where as in Cronenberg’s film they simply stared at their victims! Pierre, mon ami, the subtlety boat has gone to sea, and you were not even on the dock. If only you had taken that decision to over-do and used it to crank up the action and gore instead of trying to down-play it and crank up the comedy and goofiness. Seriously, the underwater exploding head with the left-over Carter Wong inflatable prop? Pretty lame man.
The verdict will now be read...
The Court rules in favor of the prosecution! This film is guilty as charged and while that can be a good thing if you are the kind of person that delights in horrible sequels, it is no less guilty of the crimes that it has committed. It is herefore sentaced to be shelved in my video collection until such time as it is deemed worthy to be brought forth and publicly ridiculed again before a sofa of cynical movie buffs.
Oh Pierre David, we have not heard the last of you, I know. It took you three years and a lot of heartache, but your vision returned...
To date the only W.I.P. (Women in Prison) shot in 3-D and somehow I doubt anyone will be tackling this subject matter in this new 3-D era. The title is a bit of a misnomer as these are girls from prison but 90% of the film is prison free. The gist of the plot is six female prisoners are given a weekend furlough by Dr. Vivian Reinhardt so they can experience the real world before their release. Detective Jack (no last name given) has other plans as he intends to have each girl followed. Seems bank robber Johnny Bricker has struck again and, a year previously, he tried to hijack a bus with these very six girls in it. So bright Jack figures one is his girlfriend and will lead the cops to the fugitive.
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