Listomania!: De Rigueur Recap 2011

Man, and it came to pass, I was sore ashamed. My list doesn’t quite measure up to my usual intake. I blame my job and my wife and kids. Oh wait… I don’t have a wife and kids. Dammit. I blame Bethesda Softworks. I was a productive writer once, until I took an arrow in the knee.

My viewing total was 177 movies this year.  So, yeah, I pretty much suck.  Unlike Will, I have been all-over the revisits this year. While a majority of the movies were new, I revisited lots of movies that I hadn’t seen since they originally hit video back in the ‘80s. From crap that didn’t really get better with age like BERSERKER (1987) to stuff that has become even more gobsmacking, like SHE (1983).

The theater was definitely not my refuge this year. I went from seeing everything that even flirted with a B-movie premise to the all time low of one. Yep, one solitary, single film actually dragged me into the theater. A sad, sad state of affairs...

Video Junkie Moment of the Year:

I have to agree with Will’s pick. Seeing the "never got made" blog series on the IMDb's Hit List was definitely this year’s highlight and it’ll be a tough one to beat in 2012. Not even our exhaustive coverage of CONAN knock-offs, Clonin’ the Barbarian, topped this.

Video Junkie "What were we thinking" Moment of the Year:

Our desperate attempt to do justice to all of the noteworthy (for one reason or another) sword n’ sorcery flicks that attempted to cash in on the mountain of gold pillaged by CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982). We finally reached a burn-out point before finishing up, but hey, that can only mean one thing… Sequel! Crom help us.

First film seen in 2011:

CHANDLER (1971): Also one of the year’s big disappointments for me personally, as you’d think a movie starring Warren Oates a noir-era gumshoe drawing inspiration from Ramond Chandler would be nothing short of awesome. Sadly, this incomprehensible mess was apparently the fault of then MGM studio chief James T. Aubrey, who was so displeased with the allegedly convoluted story-line of director Paul Magwood’s finished film, that he personally drastically re-edited the film and inserted deleted scenes in place of removed content, in the process bringing down the running time of a mere 85 minutes. I’m not sure if Aubrey was completely insane or just shockingly inept, but the film, as it stands now, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I challenge anyone to sit through the film and give me a detailed plot synopsis at the end.

Last film seen in 2011:

DEADLY INTRUDER (1985): This is one that I always passed up in the video store. Back in ’85, the poster art with the silhouette just didn’t do it for me. Hell, you can forgive me for passing on it, since in that same year, you had RE-ANIMATOR, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, EVILD DEAD 2 and dozens of other classics beating down your door, demanding attention. To be honest, it can’t compare with those classics, but on its own, isolated from its context, it is well worth the watch. Farting dogs, lazy cops, dogshit coffee, the lamest dinner party ever, the lamest department store ever, the biggest red herring ever and a nice little twist at the end that you will probably see coming a mile off, but will forgive because it shows that they were really trying.

Best Re-Visit in 2011:

SKY PIRATES (1986) blew me away… the second time. Back in the day I was completely underwhelmed by this Aussie adventure yarn. In hindsight I’d say it was because it lacked RAIDERS’ grit and viscera. I mean, can you seriously have a WWII-era adventure without fascist cranial combustion? I think not. There are better movies that I revisited this year (MAN ON THE ROOF being one), but revisiting this in widescreen completely changed my opinion of the film. A masterpiece? Not so much. Tons of fun? Hell yeah. This was actually a tie with BEASTMASTER (1982). Yeah, I know, I know, everybody loves the first one, but I didn't dig it the first time around. I was so very wrong.

Biggest disappointment in 2011:

THE VALDEMAR INHERITANCE (2010)and THE VALDEMAR INHERITANCE II (2011). One movie, two parts, a whole mess of disappointment.

Oldest film seen in 2011:

THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN (1966): Beware of the old Simmons place, indeed! Arguably one of Don Knotts’ best movies, this chestnut was one that amused my family (I’ll let you guess why) when I was a kid. Remember when they ran movies on TV instead of infomercials? This used to be one of KTLA’s favorites, but I hadn’t seen it in 30 years, easy. Knotts plays a printing press operator for the local paper who desperately wants to be an investigative journalist (clearly made before the days where journalists were the people you see on Fox and Friends). After witnessing a murder in front of The Old Simmons Place… well, witnessing an almost murder… well, more like a loud accident, events lead up to his investigation of the haunting of the aforementioned house and quite possibly, a real “moider”.

Films seen in theaters: 1 (one *tenth* of Will’s all-time low)

Best and Worst Film Seen Theatrically:

Damn, Ric Mayall looks great for his age!

TRON: LEGACY (2011) wins and loses by default. Man, those Recognizers look (and sound) uh-maaaaaazing! Too bad they are only in the movie for a few seconds. Too bad director Joseph Kosinski and the four credited writers don’t really bother to make much use of the incredible groundwork of a full-realized world complete with countless references to then-cutting edge computer programming, and instead use the, admittedly impressive, light-cycles as a climactic action scene to a laborious, breathy, neon-lit cyber soap opera. In addition to a tedious script cheesy characters (which Tekken sequel is Zues from?), and the obligatory STAR WARS dogfight sequence, we are given some really bland performances as well. Granted Bruce Boxleitner has never been an award-winning actor, but Garrett Hedlund? Headlining the most anticipated sequel in modern memory? Really? Well, I guess we should be grateful it wasn’t Shia LaBeouf. The best thing to come out of T:L was the release of the original on blu-ray… oh, and this video:

Most movies watched in one month:

August: 25

Least movies watched in one month:

April: 7 (ouch!)

My favorite movies viewed in 2011:

-HARD KNUCKLE (1987): The CITIZEN CANE of dystopian-future movies.

-DEAD MOUTAINEER’S HOTEL (1979): Stylish, atmospheric and fascinating future-noir.

-THE NINJA STRIKES BACK (1982): Just when I thought it could get no better than Bruce Le and Dick Randall’s CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER (1980) along came Bruce Le and Dick Randall’s THE NINJA STRIKES BACK! Priceless trash that left me speechless in awe.

-MIAMI CONNECTION (1987): Starting off with a gory ninja attack on a mob drug deal, and careening straight through to an amazingly silly, upbeat finale that sports old age make-up that would make a middle school production of Blithe Spirit look professional, this movie is an absolute masterpiece of fromage from the amazing Richard Park.

Worst films that I saw for the first time in 2011:

RESIDENT EVIL AFTERLIFE (2010): Granted, not the greatest series of films by any standard, but this redefines the adjective “sucks”. Boring, uneventful, been-done, terribly written and not much in the way of zombies, this film decides that the best way to take the series after Russell Mulcahey’s marginally entertaining third entry, is to stick a few people in a room and let them fucking argue for the next 90 minutes. Yes, a monster (from Resident Evil 5) does barge in at one point, and is quickly dispatched in the longest slow-motion action scene in the history of cinema. In a movie starved for action sequences, it really says something when you finally introduce some action and have the ability to make said action boring.
For my money, the only way to go for an R:E movie is actually the CG animated feature, RESIDENT EVIL: DEGENERATION (2008). Crazy, I know, but it's actually surprisingly good.

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Listomania!: Another Year in the Life of a Video Junkie

Yet another year down, so it means we'll throw up our highly anticipated (by us) year end "best and worst" lists.  My viewing total was 308 movies this year, down from last year's total of 362.  So, yeah, I was slacking big time.  I'd love to say it was quality over quantity, but we all know that would be a total lie.  I did try to make up for the slower volume by trying to cram in as much new stuff as possible.  Well, new to me.   Of the 308 movies viewed, only 65 of them were revisits.

Theatrical viewings keep dipping further and further with my new all-time low of 10 set this year.  To be honest, had our local theater not had $5 Tuesday matinees during the summer, it probably would have been even less.  And two of my viewings (DYLAN DOG and CREATURE) were merely self sacrifice missions for the internet when I found out that they had bombed so badly (with CREATURE setting a new record in terms of box office lows).  I'd go on and on about the sad state of affairs of Hollywood cinema (no joke, before SUPER 8 every trailer was for a sequel or book/comic/toy adaptation), but I'm sure you already know the deal.

First film seen in 2011: YOU’RE GONNA MISS ME (2005)
Last film seen in 2011: NEW YEAR’S EVIL (1980)
Films seen in theaters: 10 (my new all-time low after 11 last year)
IMAX viewings: 1 (TRON: LEGACY)
Double features in theaters: 0
Oldest film seen: THE UNKNOWN (1927)

Video Junkie Moment of the Year: 
Had to be seeing the "never got made" blog series on the IMDb's Hit List.  A kind mystery reader named "vertigo" submitted us and - someway, somehow - they found it worthy of sharing with the masses.  Not only did it bring thousands of readers our way, but it lit a fire under my ass to do even more detailed research.  We've got some even more amazing things lined up for 2012.

Video Junkie "What were we thinking" Moment of the Year:

Probably our impromptu dive into the sci-fi world of Italian cheap-o director Alfonso Brescia.  

Best film seen theatrically: CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011) -- I actually think it is one of the best comic movies I've seen in years.  It is hard to champion a film that cost $140 million as an underdog, but I really think this flick had the deck stacked against it.  I mean, who wants to see a movie that properly sets up a story and takes its time establishing the character before the superhero finally shows up on screen?  I do, damn it!  And, thankfully, that is what we got with this.  So many great details and references (and I only know Captain America lore in passing). Plus, that reference toward RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK was a hoot. Director Johnston does a great job at laying out the drama and the action. And, thankfully, the screenwriters kept it very simple, but with enough good pathos for the audience. I love a comic book movie (and PG-13 movie) that takes risks and actually has people die. The editing during the musical montage was great too. The cast is great too and Hugo Weaving really steals the show as the Red Skull. Easily the best thing I've seen this year in the theater.

Worst film seen theatrically: SUPER 8 (2011) -- Yeah, I saw DYLAN DOG and CREATURE in the theater, but actually thought this was worse.  This movie was just awful, awful, awful. Actually, I feel it isn't even right to call it a movie as it is literally scenes from every Spielberg movie from his peak period. I was leaning over to my friend every three minutes saying, "Okay, this is from JAWS...this is from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS...this is from RAIDERS...this is from E.T." He probably wanted to punch my annoying ass.  We're not talking homages here, we are talking full scene lifts with only the slightest tweaking. No wonder Spielberg produced it, he probably read the script and was like, "Damn, this is good stuff."  We have it all: the JAWS town hall meeting (I fully expected Quint to show up and interrupt); the sheriff inundated with townsfolk telling him their problems as he rushes from place to place (no parade?); the evacuation from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS (sans canaries); and on and on and on. Even worse, Abrams seems to have lifted even the soundscapes of those earlier films (the gas station scene in particular). Even the minutia isn't safe. Let's put it this way - there is a family dinner scene where one of the unruly younger siblings is bashing some toys in the background just like CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. This is basically the movie version of sampling. Moviedom wept.

Biggest surprise in 2011: RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011) -- I seriously thought all my online movie buddies were pulling my leg when they said this was good.  The trailers looked terrible and didn't sell me on the film at all.  How could such a good movie be hiding behind such a banal trailer? I do find James Franco a bit of a weird guy, but he was never bothersome in this movie. And the effects and ape performances are astonishing. Loved the little nods toward the original POTA and I think they set up a sequel (well, remake) perfectly.  Of course, the jaw dropped is the performance by Andy Serkis as Caesar.  Seriously, it is groundbreaking and paving the way for when one might see someone who was never even onscreen get nominated for an acting award.  While I may be giving it a bit more praise for what it is not (namely, a jerky Michael Bay action picture or terrible Tim Burton remake), I do think this had more thought put into it than your average Hollywood blockbuster.

Biggest disappointment in 2011: ASSASSINATION GAMES (2011) -- Scott Adkins makes the list again after last year's NINJA disappointment.  To be fair, he isn't the lead star in this second co-teaming with Jean Claude Van Damme, but it does disappoint compared to his masterpieces.  Especially following the incredibly entertaining UNDISPUTED III (2010).

Theatrical viewings:
-TRON: LEGACY
-TRUE GRIT
-DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT
-X-MEN: FIRST CLASS
-SUPER 8
-CAPTAIN AMERICA
-RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
-CREATURE
-THE THING
-HUGO

Most in one month:
October: 33
Least in one month:
August: 20

From the 1920s: 1
1930s: 11
1940s: 18
1950s: 4
1960s: 4
1970s: 55
1980s: 98
1990s: 65
2000–2010: 30
2011: 21

Films watched more than once:
-BLOOD SHACK (1971) - twice

Directors most watched (individual films):
-Fred Olen Ray (8)
-Andy Sidaris (6)
-Charles Band (4)
-Jeff Burr (4)

Best films that I saw for the first time in 2011:

-THE TWO ESCOBARS (2010)

-INSIDE JOB (2010)

-CHIMERA (1991; UK mini-series cut down to 90 minutes as MONKEY BOY here)

-I WAKE UP SCREAMING (1941)

-DON’T PLAY WITH FIRE (1980)

-THE LATHE OF HEAVEN (1980)

-COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT (1970)

-RED WHITE & BLUE (2010)

-MONEY MOVERS (1978)

-DEAD MOUTAINEER’S HOTEL (1979)

-SON OF FRANKENSTEIN (1939)

-THE BLACK CAT (1934)

-THE BODY SNATCHER (1945)

Worst films that I saw for the first time in 2011:

-THE LAST LOVECRAFT (2009)

-EVIL SPIRITS (1990)

-SAVAGE VENGEANCE (1993; aka I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2)

-CRYSTAL FORCE II: DARK ANGEL (1994)

-LITTLE LOST SEA SERPENT (1995)

-UP YOUR LADDER (1979)

-CARNIVAL MAGIC (1981)

-DEADTIME STORIES vol. 2 (2010)

-THE HOWLING: REBORN (2011)

-BRAIN ROBBERS FROM OUTER SPACE (2004)

Best “the kind of cinema I live for” I saw for the first time in 2011:

-HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987)

-THE SATAN KILLER (1993)

-THE LOST EMPIRE (1985)

-SAKURA KILLERS (1987)

-MIAMI CONNECTION (1987)

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Buns and Ammo: SAVAGE BEACH (1989)

Andy Sidaris is back! Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are back! Buns! Ammo! Old Japanese warriors!  Wait, what?

After busting some cocaine dealers (who smuggle their stock in pineapples), our busty federal agent duo find themselves delivering a medical serum to an island for Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane). Yes, another Abilene! Anyway, a storm causes the plane to mess up and they get way off course before landing on a deserted island. They get company quick though when TWO groups show up to locate some lost Japanese gold.  You have one group led by Martinez (Rodrigo Obregón, back as yet another different villain) with his two helpers, Andreas (John Aprea, who just got blow’d up in PICASSO TRIGGER) and Bruce (Bruce Penhall, who was also a different character in PICASSO TRIGGER).  Confused? Good, now I’m not alone.  The other group is led by Anjelica (Teri Weigel) and you know she means business because Al Leong is among her flunkies. But what no one counted on was some some stranded Japanese World War II vet still living on the island.  Yes, HELL IN THE PACIFIC with boobs!

We...must...save...the...children!

Not sure why, but I enjoyed this much more than previous entry PICASSO TRIGGER (1988). Maybe because it was a bit more focused in the plot department, even though it is convoluted as hell? My mind was also reeling as this was my first "wait, who is this guy again" experience with director Andy Sidaris' roving band of players as he threw tons of cast members from the previous entry into this, but as brand new characters among the Playboy Playmates. Sidaris really upped the ante here though as he also cast a Playboy and Penthouse vet in Teri Weigel.   This was before she bared all and humped head first into the porn world.  Sidaris also capitalized on the Asian influence and cast James Lew and the ubiquitous Al Leong is supporting roles (rumor has it casting Leong as an Asian baddie was a union rule). The film’s end is the best as it features one of the funniest explanations and flashbacks from the Japanese warrior (who has terrible age make up) as he recognizes Taryn as the daughter of the American WWII soldier he killed on the island…by her eyes!  Naturally, the film is packed with nudity and Sidaris should get credit for what I believe is the world's most gratuitous mid-flight airplane changing scene (“Let’s get out of these wet clothes.”).  One thing that might shock Sidaris fans is the last 30 minutes is completely devoid of nudity.  Sadly, this marked the end of the road for Carlton in Sidaris-land as she moved on to bigger things like SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE III (1990) and GHOULIES III: GHOULIES GO TO COLLEGE (1991).  I'm genuinely sad to see the team of Donna and Taryn break up, but I'll be brave and keep a stiff upper lip with this uncertain future.

I'm guessing they aren't the Fashion Police:

Okay, meeting time:

Easy with that hi-tech computer stuff, guys!

Teri Weigel shows off her...

OMG, look at that lamp!

As my mom always said:

"Never, ever accept room service from Al Leong."

There must be a fetish site for this stuff, right?

Donna & Tayrn using their survival skills:

Must be some kind of Japanese fetish:

Who the hell is the dumbass who coordinated these outfits?

Okay, never mind, all is forgiven on the outfits: 

Now I know there is a fetish site for this:

My God, it's full of stars!

Donna delivers the buns and ammo!

The Magic Sword that makes your eyes wonky:

WORST. OLD. AGE. MAKE-UP. EVER!

Sidaris aiming for that "buff Asian male" demographic:

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Heinous for the Holidays: SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1974)

With it being Christmas Eve and Santa’s arrival imminent, we figured it would be fitting to write up a holiday horror.  Amazingly, Christmas appears to be the holiday that has spawned the most number of horror films. Perhaps my earliest Xmas horror memory (and I’m sure it was for most folks my age) was the “And All Through the House” segment from the original TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972).  The 80s gave us a plethora of slasher Santas with SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT series, CHRISTMAS EVIL (1980) and DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984).  And, of course, there was GREMLINS (1984), which perfectly captured the holiday and horror atmospheres. Overseas we had Alex de la Iglesia give us THE DAY OF THE BEAST (1995), where a priest and a metal head must stop Satan from return on Christmas.  On the complete opposite end of the spectrum are titles like the rancid ELVES (1989), which features Dan Haggerty as a store Santa trying to stop a guy from creating Nazi elves, and PUPPET MASTER VS. DEMONIC TOYS (2004), which has Corey Feldman in the lead (‘nuff said). So if you are looking for some Christmas chillers, the field is far and wide.  

One of my favorite holiday discoveries has been SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (not to be confused with the aforementioned SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT films).  Having owned but never watched the Paragon VHS cassette for years, I surprised myself by watching it on this cold, gray winter day eight years ago. Even more surprising was that hiding behind the generic title is an atmospheric horror thriller with a great twist. And not only is SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT a great horror film, but it is one that appears to have been cheated by the historians of horror cinema.

The film opens with Diane Adams (Mary Woronov) walking on the Butler estate and telling a bit of the home’s history via voiceover. In 1950, Wilfred Butler was found burned to death on Christmas Eve in what was later deemed an accident at his palatial estate in the small town of East Willard, Massachusetts. One of the conditions of his will is that his house be left to his only surviving family member, child grandson Jeffrey, with the stipulation that the premises never be changed to reflect the house’s “inhumanity and cruelty” to the world. Gee, Grandpa sounds like a real upbeat guy. Twenty years later, lawyer John Carter (Patrick O’Neal) arrives in East Willard with instructions from the now adult Jeffrey (James Patterson) to sell the house for him. Several residents of East Willard take an unusual interest in the house and offer to buy it. But before the sale can be finalized, an escaped lunatic arrives in East Willard and begins calling the interested parties, saying they are Marianne Butler, Jeffrey’s long dead mother.  As the mystery unfolds, the prominent folks are dispatching one by one.

The biggest asset to SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT is the film’s set-up. It packs a big punch in the end and actually left me guessing throughout the film. A few of the red herrings are a bit too obvious but they worked well enough. One of director Theodore Gershuny’s biggest strengths is the subtle number of hints regarding the film’s big twist in the finale. If one pays close attention, there are several tip-offs as to what is really going on in the odd town of East Willard. It is refreshing to see a horror film where you are continually assessing the information as the mystery unfolds.  And it is one of those great experiences where, armed with the plot twist information, a second viewing is just as much fun to watch.  If the film does have any problems, it is that it opens with Woronov’s character telling her story, so you know she is going to survive whatever action you see in the flashbacks.

Director Gershuny, probably best known for SUGAR COOKIES (1973), knows how to build an atmospheric horror film. The wintry locations, especially the imposing house, are used to full effect and he gets great performances (particularly from Woronov, his wife at the time) from his leads. There are also some great character touches, like John Carradine’s character always ringing a bell instead of talking (this little bit of business even factors into the plot twist). The picture has some great cinematography and the visual highlight is an extended flashback that chronicles what happened at the estate in the 1930s. The sepia toned look and use of wide-angle lens makes the entire scene very creepy.  One complaint that pops up in reviews I have seen is the dark night shots. Truthfully, I think this has more to do with bad transfers rather than poor craftsmanship. In fact, my Paragon tape looks so awful that you can barely tell what is happening at points.  Sadly, the film has never gotten a proper DVD release (I hear the one in the Chilling Classics set looks decent) and, since the market is flooded with public domain copies, I doubt we will ever see one.

Actual screenshot:

Gershuny also uses an effective point-of-view (POV) for the killer that echoes the style of Bob Clark’s Yuletide themed BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) from a few years later.  A lot of people credit Clark’s film as the earliest prototype of the slasher genre. But Gershuny’s film predates Clark’s by almost 2 years. According to various reports it was shelved for several years. This fact is further substantiated by the fact that lead Patterson actually passed away in August of 1972. So the film was completed well before the early 1974 filming date for Clark’s film. Given the killer POV shots, scary phone calls the killer makes and high number of murders; one has to wonder if Clark saw this film before making his own. This is not to diminish the power of BLACK CHRISTMAS (it is still an excellent film), but just to question the general belief that BLACK CHRISTMAS begat HALLOWEEN and the subsequent North American slasher genre was born. As it stands, SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT is a great Christmas horror film, a more than pleasant surprise for this holiday season.

 

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Deadly Farce: LIBERTY & BASH (1989)

When it comes to '80s low-rent urban cop/vigilante movies, I'll admit it, I have no shame. I may be hesitant to admit that I actually enjoyed the 1988 excuse to pay Lee Major's mortgage, KEATON'S COP (also with Abe Vigoda, Don Rickles, and Art LaFleur!), but I will say I've done some serious barrel scraping in my day. Even with a lifetime of experience, nothing has prepared me for LIBERTY & BASH.

Somehow I missed this one back in the day. Maybe it was there and I never noticed it due to O’Keefe-Fatigue Syndrome. You know what I mean. Back in the ‘80s Miles O’Keefe was all over the low-rent Euro scene in more ATOR movies than you could count, a couple of action movies and even took a turn as, of all things, Count Dracula in Anthony Hickox’s first, and in retrospect, best film WAXWORK (1988). Maybe it was just the crushing deluge of tedious and formulaic flicks that finally degenerated into insipid self-parody such as COP AND A HALF (1993). Burt, my brotha, how could you? Ok, we better keep moving or I'm going to deeply digress into that quagmire of suffering and torment.

Miles O’Keef is Liberty, a Los Angeles social worker (yes, you read that right), who tries to keep the lamest gangsters you’ve ever seen off the dope and off the streets. One of his pet projects is a Korean gang-banger named Juan Ton (say it out loud) who is such a cracker-ass, he makes Buster Poindexter look like 50 Cent.

His live-in girlfriend Sarah (Mitzi Kapture) also works in his dinky skid-row offices, leading to the main plot. But first we’re going to sucker you into thinking this movie is headed in a different direction! Liberty’s sketchy past as a mercenary for hire catches up with him when one of his soldier buddies, Jerry (Richard Eden) from the Angola mission (we don't even get any flashbacks to this) has gotten himself into a mess with the local mob. It’s not very clear, but it seems Jerry was double crossed when making a drop. Something about a severed undercover narc’s head, some missing cash and a black van that guns down some cops leaving Jerry holding the bag as it were. Jerry is having all sorts of personal and relationship issues and is looking after his kids with his sister, who works as a stripper. Ummm... what court granted custody of two children to an ex-mercenary with a rap-sheet and a drug problem? This is never adequately explained. Matter of fact, so little is explained that it will take you the entirety of the film’s 92 minute running time to figure out who is related to who and what in the Sam Hell is going on around here! Not that there is all that much of a plot anyway and no, you don't get to see the stripper do any stripping.

Jesse finally reaches out to Liberty whose relationship with his needy girlfriend has progressed. When a couple of goons come around and put the hurt on Jesse, Liberty manages to show up just in time to watch him die. Now it’s on sucka! Oh, wait. No, sorry, no it’s not. Liberty must have more relationship discussions with his girlfriend first. The only thing that makes these conversations remotely attention-holding is the fact that O’Keefe sounds like he’s doing a really bad Elvis impersonation and that even though he’s supposed to be this bleeding heart counselor, he really is a total prick to everyone around him.

From here on out (at the 50 minute mark and not a single action sequence), it’s Liberty talking to his friend Bash (Ferrigno), who runs a gymnasium that he uses to toughen up Liberty’s gangbangers (think about that for a moment), or is talking to his girlfriend who finally tells him that she’s pregnant. Oh fuck. It’s the ‘80s. A pregnant girlfriend can only mean one thing… yes, we need to have a frank discussion about the subject of abortion. No, really. Forget about the mob, forget about the cops, forget about the cry-baby gangbangers who need to be taught how to be macho, let’s spend the rest of the movie discussing the Right to Life. Oh, and don’t misunderstand, this is no thoughtful contemplation of the pros and cons of a serious and deeply personal matter. Nope, this weighs in on the issues with all of the contemplative gravity of George Michael’s “Choose Life” t-shirt. Not that George Michael would ever have to worry about that, in any case.

Seriously, what I endured should never be inflicted upon another living soul, or dead one for that matter. First off, if you look closely at the poster it tells you everything you need to know. Painstakingly created in photoshop over a laborious span of several minutes, it is desperately trying to tell you that it’s a classic buddy action flick (it is not), that O’Keefe and Ferrigno are hip-to-hip in a firearm frenzy (they are not), and that it, hopefully, will strike a chord with viewers who desperately wanted a sequel to TANGO & CASH (it did not).

Truth be told, I feel really bad about laughing at Lou Ferrigno’s delivery of tough, wannabe R. Lee Ermy dialogue. I mean, the man is deaf, he can’t help it, but they are the very few entertaining moments in the film. This movie blunders about so badly, they even do a car chase about an hour into the movie, but botch that entirely by cutting to two different cars driving along the street, that for all we know could have been shot at completely different times without any shooting permits! As if that wasn't criminal enough, director Myrl A. Schreibman (who was actually responsible for a few bad movies that were good, including Marilyn Chamber's ANGEL OF H.E.A.T.), seems to be completely confused by the trappings of the genre. Myrl, buddy, why is it that strip clubs are featured in every single cop movie? Because it effectively taps the emotional perspective of the main characters who's profession exposes them to the cold underbelly of the lowest moments in life? Ummm... no. It's an excuse to show hot topless chicks in g-strings without needing to rationalize it in the plot! Yes, that's right, Mr. Schreibman is the only director in the history of cinema (that I'm aware of) who decides that he does not want to have any nudity during the completely gratuitous strip club scenes. Maybe Mr. Schreibman was sleeping during Gratuitous Nudity 101 while pursuing his Masters in Fine Arts at UCLA.

It actually feels like the script was originally a straightforward action flick that was drastically re-written to turn the main plot about Liberty, Jesse and the mob into a sub-plot taking a back seat to the main thrust of the film: relationships, which are good and abortion, which is bad. If you don’t mind a bit of a spoiler, I’ll prove this point by showing you the final showdown. This is literally the biggest action sequence in the movie. I shit you not.

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Obscure Oddities: HOWARD GOLDBERG'S APPLE PIE (1976)

I recently got a Blu-ray player with Wi-Fi capability (welcome to 2009!) and decided to join the land of the streaming Netflixers. Like any good Video Junkie, I decided to make a list of the more obscure titles to check out.  After all, why watch something readily available on VHS or DVD, when you could be watching something like MILLION DOLLAR RIP OFF (1976), a made-for-TV crime movie starring Freddie Prinze, Sr.? One title I stumbled upon was something called HOWARD GOLDBERG’S APPLE PIE.  The plot info on the TV was pretty vague, offering even less than the Netflix website. Something about a gangster relaying the story of how he kidnapped himself to get his father to pay up.  Oh, and the father is played by legendary stand up "tragediest" Brother Theodore.  Okay, NYC, 1970s, gangsters, and Brother Theodore?  I am so there. So, at precisely midnight, I pressed “play” and soon found myself hypnotized by a film that practically defines “cult” filmmaking.

APPLE PIE unfolds in basically three sections.  It opens with gangster Jacques “the Ace” Blinbaum (Tony Azito, sporting an incredibly fake beard) arriving at a hotel with his entourage (that includes future David Letterman regular Calvert DeForest).  They retire to his suite, where DeForest challenges a burly looking gangster to a game of Clue.  This was my first clue that something was not right here.  Anyway, Jacques holds the attention of his group by quoting poet William Cowper and telling them the story of his first con when he was 17-years-old.  We then get a flashback of the still bearded Jacques faking his own kidnapping to get his father (Brother Theodore) to pay a ransom of $250,000.  The plan goes off without a hitch except for dad forgetting to pick up his “kidnapped” son, leaving Jacques to walk home in the dark.  He is greeted at the front door of the mansion by his dad, who says, “The proper way to boil water is to warm it first.”  It gets weirder after this, folks.  End part one.

The next section picks up with Jacques ripping off his beard and wig.  He talks to his friend Richard on the phone for 5 minutes in what appears to be a random stream of consciousness.  He then decides the only recourse is to kill his parents, which entails him putting on a tight fitting black jumpsuit and mask.  He calls a limo to his apartment and goes to the family mansion, but not before spray painting “Cool Karl” on the side of the limo (sharp-eyed viewers will also notice this graffiti was also on a gas station phone booth earlier).  Anyway, he gets to the house and sneaks in to murder his sleeping folks. Just before Jacques is about to pounce, his dad gets up and screams, “Look at the mouse! It tries to be a rat.” The lights then flip on to reveal they are all on stage in the middle of a theater in front of a huge audience that begins laughing at Jacques.  He rushes out of the theater in embarrassment and spends the next 10 minutes wandering NYC locations in his black jumpsuit.  This sequence ends with him meeting some futuristic dressed folks on a rooftop.  They claim to be artists and, after Jacques claims to be one too, one woman shows him she can make her face disappear. Jacques then steps away and disappears in a flash.  End part two.

The film’s final section has Jacques cruising along some country back roads in his red Porsche.  At a stoplight a girls pulls up next to him and she has “if you can beat me, you can eat me” written on the side of her car.  They race, but we never know who the winner is.  The next scene has the duo dressed all fancy as they head to an equally fancy restaurant to eat.  As their dinner progresses, they begin splattering food all over each other. Well, except for the beans because, as Jacques tells the waiter, “These beans clash. They are unfit to stain my clothing.”  Following their hands on dinner, Jacques and his new conquest head out onto the street and pass some black kids rhythmically banging on a white station wagon.  This causes Jacques to start busting a move and soon everyone (including a priest and some hookers) walking by is doing a pre-FAME (1980), 15 minute choreographed dance in the streets (to a jam written by Daryl Hall and John Oates, according to the end credits).  Okay, who slipped something in my eggnog?  End part three and so culminates the “home-baked” film debut of Howard Goldberg.

True confession – I don’t do drugs.  But I certainly felt like I was on them last night while watching this movie.  Where the hell did this slice of APPLE PIE come from?  Did I die in my sleep and this is my death dream?  And why is it not on cult films lists?  From the opening minutes, you could tell something is a bit off on the film and it just became more and more bizarre over its short 76 minute running time.  It says something about how strange this film is when I can say Brother Theodore gives one of the more restrained performances.  As it became weirder and weirder, I became more mesmerized by the film.  A lot of the success rests on the shoulders of lead Tony Azito.  Azito – who sounds exactly like Sascha Baron Cohen and was a Broadway dancer and performer – is a lanky and rubbery man who is onscreen in nearly every shot.  I sense a lot of the performance was improvised by him and he certainly has a knack for the outlandish, but funny.  Sadly, he passed away in the mid-90s.

One of the initial reasons I even jumped on this was to see some 70s era New York City location shots and this definitely delivers.  You gets plenty of locations and even a nighttime jaunt to 42nd Street (some films playing include THE CHINSE GODFATHER, THE BIG DOLL HOUSE and DIRTY MARY, CRAZY LARRY).  If you dig that kind of retro stuff, this is definitely worth seeing as director Howard Goldberg effectively captures a lot of the city.  If I had to guess, I’d say Goldberg got the money from his folks to make this flick (one scene has Brother Theodore reading a Goldberg Realtors sign over and over). Anyway, I’m not sure mom and dad were pleased that their son ended up emulating Robert Downey, Sr. more than Martin Scorsese.  But the folks should be proud as the end result is one of the most unique films I’ve seen all year. (Itself probably the end result of lots of drugs or creativity, I’m not sure which.)  Goldberg is an artist after all (according to his IMDb bio, written by…Howard Goldberg!) and he has definitely created a one-of-a-kind movie.  He has only directed one other film (EDEN [1996]) and his only other film credit is co-writing Tobe Hooper’s SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION (1990).  Yes, the man has truly lived.  

Here’s a snippet of the end dance number that some kind soul uploaded to Youtube:

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