Halloween Havoc: OFFICIAL FRIDAY THE 13th PARODY (2010)

It may have taken 25 years, but the porn industry finally took the idea of spoofing seriously in the new millennium and it is big business.  According to this Newsweek (yes, Newsweek covering porn in a positive light) article, the porn parody genre got its first real boost in 2005 when Larry Flynt’s Hustler released BRITNEY REARS, which became their highest selling title at that time.  Thank you pedophilic America!  So anything that was a pop culture memory for baby boomers suddenly became porn parody fodder, from THE BRADY BUNCH (eeewww) to THE FLINTSTONES (shudders) to SEINFELD (“Why…are you sucking…my penis?”).  The mimicry exists in more ways than one as Hustler just released their AVATAR spoof, one of the more costly productions in the adult industry thanks to actual prosthetic make-up. The level of commitment to these productions is admirable as they really seem intent on copying the source subject beyond just a double entendre title.

Surprisingly, the horror genre – once again in the “hot” column – has gotten off (pardon the pun) lightly.  Slasher stalwarts like Chucky, Freddy, Jigsaw, Leatherface and Michael Myers have yet to see parody latch on to their image in this current, super-glossy boon (Freddy and Leatherface have been spoofed in the porn past).  Veteran killer Jason Voorhees, however, can finally forgive the industry for the in-name-only FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2 as he got his long due proper send-up with Zero Tolerance’s OFFICIAL FRIDAY THE 13th PARODY, which hit DVD this month just in time for Halloween.    

The film opens with Susie (Sara Sloane) hitchhiking into town and walking into a bar to get directions to Crystal Lake Nudist Camp.  Local crazy Ralph warns her of the place and the bartender (Tabitha Stevens, in a non-sex role) fills her in on the back story.  Seems a young man named Jason drowned in the lake because – how do I put this delicately – his huge penis “sunk him like a boat anchor” and his waterlogged existence has caused his sperm to ferment into “flesh eating jizz.” And we are off!

Susie gets to the camp and meets the rest of the victims, er, counselors who are there to help get the place ready to open. There is Kyle (Kris Slater), whose grandmother left him the place; Asian Asia (Asa Akira) and bug-aphobe Ricardo (Rocco Reed); events coordinator Manny (Mark Wood), who is only seen with Rita (Brooklyn Lee) and never cooking chef Kendra (Brooke Lee Adams); and S&M couple Connie (Courtney Cummz) and Billy (Mr. Pete). As the others explore the grounds, Connie and Billy proceed to get it on. Post-coital cuddling is kept to a minimum as Jason appears with his monster cock and squirts them with his septic semen.  Guess they didn’t see that coming. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week. Next up on the chopping block are Asia and Ricardo.  They get it on in a dilapidated shack and – in the film’s truest Xerox moment – Ricardo gets the Kevin Bacon treatment with an arrow coming up in his neck.  Asia goes to take a bath and becomes the third victim of Jason’s lethal load (off screen).

I didn't see Ron Jeremy's name in the credits

Susie, meanwhile, has just been wandering around the camp and runs into Kyle in a cabin he is decking out for rubber fetishists.  He proceeds to tell Susie the story of what happened at the camp at a sex party way back in 1972.  You know what that means – flashback!  Kagney (Kagney Lynn Carter), inexplicably not dressed in 70s garb, comes down to the basement to find Jason (Cheyne Collins) sulking by himself.  She offers to fuck him to cheer him up (just like real life) and he says he has a problem in that his penis continues to grow after sex.  “It’s not a gift, it’s a curse,” he says before she decides to take the plunge anyway.  Naturally, she screams in ecstasy during the sex and in horror post-sex when his member continues to grow.  This embarrassment is what caused him to run off to his watery grave.  Dude seriously needed a pep talk from John Holmes.  As the flashback ends, Susie and Kyle hear something and decide to go explore in the basement. In a bit of self referential horror humor, Susie states it is “horror movie mistake no. 7” to go look for something in the dark.  Kyle assures her they are safe because, after all, “we haven’t had sex yet.”  Ha!

Back in their isolated cabin, Manny and his girls decide to bust out the Stripopoly (another nice F13 nod) before getting it on in a threesome.  Jason pops up post-pop shot (“Dude, this is a 3-way, not a 4-way”) and squirts them with his murderous man-milk. Meanwhile, Susie and Kyle have discovered Jason’s secret lair (a true let down in production design: a room with a mattress on the floor and the word “Mommy” scrawled tiny on the wall).  Jason pops up and chases the couple for about 3 seconds before his 100% all-beef meat thermometer (thank you onlineslangdictionary.com) gets stuck in the door.  Kyle grabs a handy axe and lops the thing off (off screen).  Whew, we’re safe!  It’s time to call the cops, right?  No way!  “Victory sex is always the best sex!” Our heroic duo gets it on in the film’s final sex scene before we end on a shot of Jason walking down the hallway toward their room.

Let’s start off with the good as this parody does a lot of things right.  The biggest plus is director Gary Orona actually apes the first FRIDAY THE 13th quite well as the plots unfold basically the same.  Yeah, not much for plot, I know but you have to appreciate his attention to detail like the hitchhiker opening and having a Ralph character (more on him in a bit). Sure, the slasher nerds will point out Jason wasn’t the killer in the original F13, but if you are sending up the series, you obviously need the hockey mask man.  The production values are actually top notch too.  Shot on digital video, this actually looks better than some direct-to-video horror flicks I’ve seen. In addition, the crew actually went to a real location to shoot the exterior camp footage.  Shocking, I know!  Finally, the biggest shock is they got a decent cast in terms of acting.  Female lead Sara Sloane is actually a pretty good actress with great comic timing and face reactions.  Kris Slater, previously seen in the earlier reviewed CAMP CUDDLY PINES POWERTOOL MASSACRE, also does well in his lead role.  In fact, everyone acquits themselves well in their parts.
  

Unfortunately, there is a downside.  The sex is rather bland. The girls are definitely hot, but I swear it looks like they use the same positions in nearly every scene and it comes off as robotic.  Also, the Connie/Billy and Manny/Kendra/Rita bits are completely removed from everyone else.  They never interact with the main players.  Another big letdown is, like the aforementioned CAMP CUDDLY, the filmmakers pretty much skimp on the actual horror part.  I mean, they had the “arrow in the throat” gag, but didn’t extend themselves much beyond that.  For example, when Asia is killed, it happens off screen and the aftermath consists of a tiny streak of blood shown in the bathtub.  What I’m trying to say is if you are going to have “flesh eating jizz” you might as well go all out. And consider me disappointed that Jason never impaled someone with his monster cock.  I mean like stab, you perverts. Seriously, how much can it cost to get some fake blood and create a fake torso for a moment that would definitely be show stopping?  I can understand the hesitation to mix sex and gore, but c’mon, just go for it.  The end chase is a bit of a letdown as it is literally over in seconds.  I mean, no scene where Susie tries to seduce Jason by acting like his mom ("That's a good boy. Good Jason.")?  That would have been amusing.  This all leads me to my biggest pet peeve: how can you have the brains to include a Ralph character, but not have the wherewithal to film a death scene for him?  That is REQUIRED by law when spoofing the FRIDAY THE 13th series.   And, yes, I am complaining about the lack of death of a minor character in a porn film, which officially makes me a horror nerd.  One day someone will get it right.