Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Buns and Ammo: HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987)

Andy Sidaris’ MALIBU EXPRESS (1985) did enough business that he was able to mount this semi-sequel a few years later.  While EXPRESS laid the foundation, HARD TICKET TO HAWAII is generally considered the blueprint in Sidaris cinematic history with its location switch to the Aloha state for more obscene amounts of skin, sun and insanity.

HARD TICKET introduces series regulars Dona (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton). Somehow we are supposed to believe these former Playboy Playmates (March 1984 for Speir and July 1985 for Carlton) are D.E.A. agents working undercover as pilots in Molokai.  Well, Taryn is a witness against the mob turned agent (because that is how the government work, right?). They soon find themselves up to their breasts in trouble thanks to some evil pot dealers.  See, they used to be peaceful local types, but evil Seth (Rodrigo Obregón) has taken over the organization and he takes no prisoners.  Oh wait, he actually does take a prisoner in Edy (Cynthia Brimhall, Playboy Playmate October 1985).  So the girls team up with buff warriors Jade (Harold Diamond) and Rowdy Abilene (Ronn Moss), cousin of MALIBU’s Cody Abilene.  Oh, and did I forget to mention there is a huge, cancer-ridden snake loose on the island?

HARD TICKET TO HAWAII is often considered Sidaris’ masterpiece and I can see why.  In addition to the T&A element, the film features some incredibly entertaining over-the-top moments.  The film has reached legendary status online with the “frisbee of death” scene but, believe it or not, that is not the film’s wildest moment.  I think that distinction should be handed to the “skater death” where Jade and Rowdy take out a middle-aged skater dude with a rocket launcher.  Did I forget to mention the skater is inexplicably carrying a blow up doll and the Rowdy blows that up with the bazooka as well? You know things are crazy when random scenes like that make you think a 12-foot cancer snake on steroids is completely normal.  I also love that the crazy climax with Seth coming back over and over like a horror movie slasher made me completely forgot about the toxic snake until it burst from the toilet in all its glory.

While Sybil Danning is definitely missed (she never made another Sidaris movie *sobs*), the new cast makes up for it as, once again, it looks like a nude Playmate convention.  In addition to the ladies mentioned above, we also get Patty Duffek (Playmate May 1984).  It is like Sidaris set up an orphanage for wayward Playboy Playmates. For the ADD crowd (or if you don't have 95 minutes to spare), a kind soul edited the best parts (sans nudity) of the movie into this 10 minute video. Warning: toxic snakes and incredibly catchy theme song!  For the ultra ADD crowd without 10 minutes to spare, I’ve done another handy visual guide to the film below.

HARD TICKET TO HAWAII in 10 minutes:

How every film should open:

Smokin' some of that weed before you went clothes shopping?

Dona (Dona Speir) & Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), D.E.A. agents of your dreams:

"Let's unload and hit the jacuzzi. I do my best thinking there." (actual line)

Tae Kwon D'oh!

"So I saw this movie called .357 Magnum..."

 "Man, he must be smoking some heavy doobies." (actual line)

A plastic woman in a Sidaris flick, no way!

"Baby look pretty now, mommy?"


I've totally been to www.chix-n-chaku.com:

You can tell he is evil by his phone:

OMG! Look at that beautiful wood paneling!

Your frisbee playin' days are over, son:

Is this guy Seth Voorhees?

Seth meets snake:

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