Buns and Ammo: MALIBU EXPRESS (1985)

Confession time – before last week I had only seen two Andy Sidaris movies.  One was his 70s action flick SEVEN (1979) and the other was one of his many 90s action epics (sorry, I can’t remember which one it was).  I know my Greek half was definitely disappointed in myself in this cultural gap. All of that is changing though as I’ve recently picked up the DVD set “Girls, Guns, & G-Strings.” This 12-film collection is light on the wallet, heavy on the T&A and will allow me to experience his filmography in chronological order.  1985 here I come!

MALIBU EXPRESS features the exploits of Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton), a private detective with a mustache on loan from Tom Selleck.  Abilene is hired by Contessa Luciana (Sybil Danning) to infiltrate the family of Lady Lillian Chamberlain (Niki Dantine) as her home seems to be the ground zero for someone who is illegally selling computers to the Russians.  The Cold War is fixin’ to get hot!  There is a wide assortment of odd suspects including daughter Anita (Shelly Taylor Morgan), niece Liza (Playboy Playmate Lorraine Michaels), her transvestite husband Stuart (Michael Andrews) and stud chauffeur Shane (Brett Baxter Clark, the muscle meathead in DEATHSTALKER IV).   Along the way, Cody receives help from a bevy of beautiful babes including cop Beverly (Lori Sutton, the Playmate in FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH) and race car driver June Khnockers (Playboy Playmate Lynda Wiesmeier).  And he must constantly be on the lookout for the buffoon Buffingtons, a redneck family looking to avenge their racing loss to Cody’s dad.

Believe it or not, this is the most entertaining film I’ve seen in months.  That means I’ve been watching a lot of crap or it is just a breezy fun film (a combination of both of those really).  The plot is convoluted as hell and I had to keep reminding myself what exactly Cody was investigating. Honestly, though, if you are watching a Sidaris flick for an intricate murder mystery, you are in the wrong place.  Kind of like a straight guy at a Lady Gaga concert.  One thing that really surprised me was the amount of intentional humor in the film. And some of it actually works, like Cody’s inability to shoot right.  The drag races with the Buffington family?  Eh, not so much.

Of course, Sidaris is legendary for one thing – mounds and mounds of nekkid chicks.  And he doesn’t disappoint here.  The man is seemingly incapable of going 5 minutes without a nude scene and it is gratuitous maximus.  Like the bit where Cody is stranded in the desert and finds a used car lot where the nubile owner immediately pops her top when she sees him.  Man, if I had a dime for every time that happened to me.  In addition to Playboy Playmates Lorraine Michaels and Lynda Wiesmeier getting nude, Sidaris also cast Playmates Kimberly McArthur and Barbara Edwards as Faye and May respectively, two horny girls who are always trying to get it on with Cody on his boat (poor guy).  You have to love the shower scene between the two where Edwards glances into the camera THREE times and tries to play it off. There is also porn star Shanna McCullough as a massage girl and softcore star Robyn Hilton (the busty babe from BLAZING SADDLES), who surprisingly stays clothed as the family maid. And, of course, there is the stunning Sybil Danning.  Danning is a favorite around these parts, thanks mostly to her amazing shower scene with the equally topless Linda Blair in CHAINED HEAT (1983).  She only has a small supporting role here, but I’m sure you will remember it.  She wears some of the most amazing outfits that allow her to practice, as Bruce Lee might say, the art of being nude without being nude (full Danning nude here).

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  So rather than bore you with any more of my language, I’ll give you this visual volume of MALIBU EXPRESS.  For educational purposes, naturally.

It's subtle, see if you can spot it:

Sidaris: "Okay, just don't look at the camera...ah, screw it!"

Sybil Danning practicing the fine art of being nude without being nude:

80s exercise according to Lorraine Michaels:

Shanna McCullough suffers for her art:

"This might have been a murder!"

Lori Sutton...OMG, check out that jukebox!

Sidaris: "Sorry guys, we didn't write sex scenes for you."

I'd totally buy a lemon from this used car lot!

The Buffingtons gots skillz:

Robyn Hilton of BLAZING SADDLES fame still has the goods:

Car chase, Sidaris style!