Clonin' the Barbarian: DEATHSTALKER IV: MATCH OF TITANS (1991)

As mentioned in our earlier reviews, screenwriter Howard Cohen usually had a hand in every Roger Corman produced CONAN THE BARBARIAN rip-off. Cohen also directed several films for Concorde (including the SATURDAY THE 14th series and the amusing SPACE RAIDERS), so it seems fitting that Corman would bestow the honor of rehabilitating the DEATHSTALKER series to the man who created it. Ha, who am I kidding?  More than likely Corman called up Cohen and said something like this, “I’ve got a castle set in Bulgaria, Rick Hill’s phone number, a Boris painting and $50 bucks. Can you have a fourth DEATHSTALKER movie for me by Wednesday?” Yes, the series that had D.N.R. (Do Not Resuscitate) written all over it was given one last chance at life.

DEATHSTALKER IV opens with the most ominous of signs – narration and footage from the earlier films. When we finally get new footage, Deathstalker (Rick Hill, reprising the role from part one) is saving a young girl from some lionmen.  See those bad ass lionmen on the VHS cover over there? Well, let’s just say they don’t look like that in the film.  Take a look:

Anyway, he saves the girl and then offers to take her to her village.  In a real gutbuster, after riding through the woods the girl says “there is my village” and it is literally three guys in a tent hanging out by a stream.  Of course, these guys will bestow some knowledge on our boy DS. Seems Cohen actually watched part three and tries to weave some continuity between films as Deathstalker is on a quest to find his friend Aldilar from the village after they got separated during that big battle (scenes from part three’s opening attack are shown).  Why does he want to find him?  Well, because they accidentally switched swords during the mêlée.  Really! He learns his buddy was last seen at the castle of local ice queen Kana (Michelle Moffett) and decides to make his way there.

Deathstalker heads in that direction (they always seem to know which way to go) and meets Vaniat (Brett Baxter Clark), a muscle-bound fighter who is heading to the castle for – wait for it – a tournament! Ah, yes, the return of the tournament. They travel together while the Stalker of Death mocks Vaniat’s healthy lifestyle (sex “saps the vital juices”).  Along the way, the duo witnesses Dionara (Maria Ford) and her sister being attacked and save them. Well, Deathstalker tries and it results in the sister being dead and him and Dionara being trapped inside a cave. In another hilarious bit, they don’t even show how they escape from this cave after a pig-man yells, “Ha, you’ll never get out!”  Dionara explains that she was accompanying her sister to the castle for – you guessed it – the tournament!  And now she will take her sister’s place to honor her (or something).  For some odd reason this requires her to strip down and put on her sister’s skimpy outfit (does this tournament have a dress code?).

So everyone eventually makes it to this castle (the production actually uses a real castle) to enter this medieval BLOODSPORT.  But something seems off to Deathstalker and Dionara.  Guards are always patrolling the halls and Kana insists on everyone drinking lots and lots of her super wine. To make matters worse, Kana has her men interrupt Deathstalker while he is putting the muscle-bound moves on Dionara so she can have some alone time with him.  Doesn’t Deathstalker know the “no sex” rule before a fight?  Oh wait, I guess he does as he refuses Kana’s advances and she storms out in a huff, shouting at her main guard, “I need a man.  The bigger, the better.  And drunk!” The next day the tournament begins and, since Deathstalker wasn’t putting out, Kana pits him against his friend Vaniat.  But he shows her by winning while sparing his friend’s life.

Later that night, we learn our hero’s full name must be Deathstalker Marlowe as he and Dionara do some private investigation work. Seems a lot of these drunken warriors keep disappearing and Dionara knows where they might be held. “How do you know,” he asks and she drops the bomb on him that this used to be her house, er, castle before her royal family was ousted by Kana. She shows Deathstalker a secret room and he finds the missing warriors all stoned.  No, not high.  They have literally been turned into stone and Kana’s ulterior motive in having this tournament is to collect the best physical specimens to use for her concrete commandos army. Wait, so her plan is to take fast, able bodied men and transforms them into rocks that move at a sloth’s pace.  Gotcha.  Oh, Deathstalker also spots his magical sword (remember that?) hanging on the wall of a room.  You can figure out the rest.

Oh man, the DEATHSTALKER series should have gone out on a high note, but, sadly, our hero played victim to the mightiest foe of all – Roger Corman’s cheapness.  Opening with credits unfolding over the lamest castle sketch ever and a score more fit for a T&A flick, you quickly realize that this is going to be a Corman cheapie of epic proportions. When the end credits start around the 75 minute mark, you realize that 20 minutes of that runtime was footage from other Corman films.  You have to laugh when narrator Maria Ford comes onto the soundtrack and says something like, “Kana also had fights outside the castle walls to entertain the villagers” in an effort to cover up the fact that the footage they show doesn’t match and fits in as well as Sarah Palin at a Mensa meeting.  The cheapness is even worse when we get to the stone warriors.  The back of the box entices you with this great still of a stoner getting his head sliced in half:

But guess what?  That cool bit ain’t in the movie.  Basically, you have guys covered in grey make-up stumbling around.  I should say partially covered as most everyone seemed to have missed the armpits section.

Of course, this can also be part of the fun.  Like the previously reviewed DEATHSTALKER III, there is a lot of unintentional hilarity to be had here. You have lame fights and even lamer costumes.  You have nonsensical lines like a guard demanding to know the secret of Deathstalker’s sword and he says, “The secret is there is no secret.” My favorite bit involves the tough leader of a lesbian crew trying to show Dionara how ruthless she is by killing a servant girl.  She holds the girls head in a small bucket of water while the girl flails her arms in a helpless panic.  Uh, you know, you can use one of those arms to topple the bucket over and remedy your predicament, right?

But let’s not focus on the bad stuff. Cohen at least brings back the sleaze factor and has ample nudity, including a “this is solely here for the nudity” brawl/food fight in a brothel. All of the leads are good too.  It is cool to see Rick Hill return to the role and he delivers the intentional comedy lines well.  He also sounds a lot like modern day Dolph Lundgren.  Also this had Maria Ford pre-plastic surgery so she was looking pretty fine.  She gets into one or two catfights over the course of the film.  The film’s biggest surprise is Clark as the muscle-bound virgin.  Yeah, you read that right.  There is actually a really funny bit where our heroes are trying to teach him how to seduce Kana.  And there is a recurring gag with him always ditching the poisoned wine while Kana isn’t looking.  It is a shame that the series went out like on such a cheap effort, but I’ll gladly take this being the nail in the coffin over the bland part three. Gotta make it through life with the little pleasures, I tell ya.

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Clonin' the Barbarian: DEATHSTALKER III: THE WARRIORS FROM HELL (1988)

Damn, we are riding our horses headstrong into April as we enter week 4 (!) of our examination of CONAN THE BARBARIAN rip-offs.  Since it is April 1st, I thought about doing an April Fool’s joke where I tell you DEATHSTALKER III is the best of the series, but a successful gag should always have a hint of believability in it.  Yes, as they say, all good things must come to an end. DEATHSTALKER delivered in the action. DEATHSTALKER II delivered in the comedy.  Sadly, DEATHSTALKER III only delivers in the “this ain’t nearly as good as the first two” category.

Screenwriter Howard Cohen – no doubt fuming that a DII got made without him – returns to the series to continue the adventures of our titular hero.  Deathstalker (John Allen Nelson) seems to be living the peaceful life now, hanging out at a Renaissance Fair, er, his village where everyone is happy.  And he hangs out with kids for some reason.  Oh crap, not again – this place is fixing to get wrecked. Sure enough, the baddies come riding out of the woods (these villagers never seem to hear them coming) and storm the village.  They are looking for Carissa (Carla Herd), a young woman who possesses ½ of a magical crystal.  She has come here because she believes wizard Nicias (Aaron Hernan) has the other half, but he vaguely tells her to go “to the South” to find it.  So a bunch of villagers are killed, Nicias disappears in a puff of smoke (thanks for helping, dude), and Carissa escapes with her savior Deathstalker.













Setting up camp for the night, Carissa shows Deathstalker the stone and mentions how it will produce “a city built of treasure” when combined with its other half.  She also mentions having a sister who died for it.  Oh, crap, dude is totally emotionally invested now.  This is good because Carissa is quickly killed by some men (that’ll teach her for refusing to sleep in Deathstalker’s tent) and she gives Deathstalker possession of the crystal. He escapes the men once again and runs into the traveling caravan of Princess Elizena (Herd again), Carissa’s stuck up twin sister.  She is on her way to the North (I thought we were going South) to marry Troxartas (Thom Christopher).  What she doesn’t know is ol’ Trox is an evil dude and is marrying her to get the other half of the crystal (which she doesn’t have).  Anyway, Deathstalker proves his charm by pretending to have sex with her when Troxie’s men come around and she calls him something like a ruffian.  Gee, I wonder if these two will work it out.

Troxartas or Joan Crawford?

Wait a sec…didn’t this film’s title mention something about Warriors from Hell? Where are those guys?  Oh, here we go, Troxartas decides to use some of his magic to resurrect some dead warriors to hunt down Deathstalker.  Okay, business is about to pick up as an Army of the Dead is gonna be awesome right? Trox conjures up his spell, the earth begins to tremble and – ouch – the “zombies” burst from some Styrofoam tombs looking no worse for the wear. Seriously, you go in thinking BLIND DEAD-esque rotting skeletons and you get rejects in community theater Knight outfits, bandages and a little greasepaint. Meanwhile, Deathstalker tries to steal a horse from a frizzy hair woman who has a hot daughter Marinda (Claudia Inchaurregui).  Can you see where this is headed?  After a filling meal of only potatoes, Deathstalker and the girl get it on in the barn.  She obviously wasn’t listening when mom said, “There’s only one thing a man like that wants. Careful!” The next day the villains come a knocking (seriously, they knock politely on the woman’s door) and Deathstalker escapes again with Marinda pointing the way toward Troxartas’ castle.  Anyway, Deathstalker hooks back up with Elizena, but she sees that he has the stone and thinks he killed her sister so she splits. Within minutes she is nearly raped by some hooligans and “saved” by her future husband Troxartas.  Deathstalker heads off to his castle to save her.  I’ll let you figure the rest out from here.

Man, did I get the short end of the stick or what?  I guess this is Tom’s payback for him having to do the third BEASTMASTER and TV pilot.  It is not like DEATHSTALKER III is some horrible, painful film to watch.  It isn’t and I never found myself bored with it during its 85 minute run time.  It is, however, just missing that pop, that sizzle, that anything that makes the best Corman productions stand out.  Like the DEATHSTALKER shooting locations (this one moved shooting to Mexico), this film is all over the map.  John Allen Nelson fills Deathstalker’s loincloth this go around, but he lacks Rick Hill’s muscles and John Terlesky’s natural charm.  Actually, he seems more like Robin Hood than Deathstalker.  Nelson is a decent actor and delivers the funny lines well enough, but he seems like he should be heading a 80s teen comedy and not a Deathstalker film.  I also had to shake my head at Thom Christopher as the bad guy.  He frequently dips into this New Yawk accent and looks exactly like Uncle Leo from SEINFELD.

The locations are nice but completely undermined by some really choppy editing and horrible sets.  Seriously, wait until you get a look at the castle as it looks like it should be a low-rent carnival spook house.  No joke, I fully expected the doors to pop open and a bumper car to shoot out at any moment. By far the biggest disappointment though is the confrontation with the “Warriors from Hell.”  I’m not kidding when I tell you this – the big “battle” promised on the back of the VHS box involves Deathstalker confronting the undead around a campfire and asking them not to fight him and instead turn on Troxartas.  They think for a second and agree they are being exploited, living dead and all.  So he never fights them! Classic.

The film does offer a few moments of amusement, but you’ve got to do all that digging on your own.  I chuckled when I heard the recycled theme from BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS.  I laughed at how Nicias disappears in the first ten minutes, only to zap into the castle in a ball of light right into the arms of guards in the finale. There is also some hilarious fight choreography that looks more like an abstract ballet piece than a fight.  My personal favorite bit though was the promise of a magical city with streets of gold when the stones are put together.  They do that and – BAM – the place looks exactly the same.  Maybe that is why Deathstalker splits so quickly? Because he realized he had been scammed and was seeing something that was a total misrepresentation of what he was told it would be.  Damn, I wish I had his intuition.

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Clonin' the Barbarian: DEATHSTALKER II: DUEL OF THE TITANS (1987)

I’m not sure how it took Roger Corman, the king of the quickies, four whole years to crank out a sequel to his hugely successful original CONAN-inspired epic. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was too busy cranking out his own knock-offs of his original knock-off, such as the rather inaccurately titled BARBARIAN QUEEN (1985)! Or maybe he just couldn’t get the right script. Yeah, that’s probably it.

I’ve got to come clean here; we at the VJHQ have a thing for Jim Wynorski. He kicked off his Corman career with the slice of mid-‘80s drive-in nostalgia CHOPPING MALL (1986) and gave us some damn fine sequels including the ultra-cheap, but highly entertaining satire of the SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE series, SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE II (1990). So good was this, in fact, that Wynorski actually cannibalized the script, changing only the setting and dialogue, and turned it into HARD TO DIE in that very same year! I can see Roger delicately brushing away a tear from the corner of his eye. Sadly, around 1992 Wynorski found the path to cinematic entertainment a rocky and treacherous embankment and his crew bus slid out of control on an icy road and he plummeted to his death. According to the VJ Encyclopedia Erratica, something few people know is that his less talented brother, Bill Wynorski, actually took his name (and pseudonyms) and started trying to imitate his style. True! Watch THE THING BELOW (2004) and tell me with a straight face that was made by the same guy. Not a frickin' chance in hell.

DEATHSTALKER II is a great example of Jim Wynorski’s fine legacy. Cheap as hell, fast-paced, intentionally amusing dialogue and lots of skin wrapped up in a package that is far more entertaining than it has any right to be.

Deathstalker (John Terlesky) is now not so much an ATOR-esque warrior, but clown prince of thieves. After snatching a jewel from a temple altar in a nod to RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981) and fighting off some clumsy goons, the owner of said jewel, the evil sorceress Sultana (Toni Naples), swears she will “have her revenge… and Deathstalker too!” Yep, that pretty much sets the bar that we are aiming for. Cheap action, minor plagerism and rather goofy dialog.

Deathstalker heads to the local tavern to impress the wenches by quickly waving his hand over a candle (no really, don’t expect any G. Gordon Liddy stuff here), a young, blonde, “seer” Reena (Monique Gabrielle) dressed in rags pleads for his help. This is of course after he already saved her from the town guards, saying “ordinarily I don’t mind seeing a woman get a good beating if she deserves it,” proving that you can be dashing and sensitive at the same time. Deathstalker doesn’t want to hear her crap, but after a bar fight in which RAIDERS is referenced yet again, he decides to listen to her story. See she is actually the princess Evie and has escaped from the clutches of the evil sorcerer Jarek (John Lazar). Jarek has created an evil twin of her to put on the throne so that he can rule the empire along with his mistress Sultana. Jarek is, in addition to being a sorcerer, an expert swordsman who idles away his time killing his own guards. Showing that his management strategy is only rivaled by his love life, Jarek is promising his eternal lust to both Sultana and the princess clone. Phew! Got all that? For reasons I cannot begin to explain this budget-strapped quickie has more plot than a dozen ATORs. Not that I’m complaining mind you.

Reena has embellished her sad tale with a hook to get Deathstalker to help her, untold riches! A king’s, well, princess’, ransom! Hook firmly in mouth, Deathstalker rides to Camelot! Or whatever the name of the castle is. After giving some pursuers the slip, Deathstalker exclaims “you have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch the prince of thieves!” At which point a crossbow bolt thunks into the tree next to his head and Reena points out “it is pretty early in the morning!” Seeing as the guards aren’t cutting it (or Jarek is running out of them), he decides to assemble a rogues gallery of assassins, including a midget. Oh yes, the bar is set high my friends. Basically the bulk of the film is a series of sketches where Deathstalker defeats explosive arrow wielding assassins with a dagger and a ninja shuriken (don’t ask, I don’t know), escapes from an Indiana Jones-esque trap, fights off the living dead in a graveyard, is captured by Amazons, forced to fight a wrestling match with ‘80s icon Queen Kong (Dee Booher), and deliver anachronistic wisecracks out of the side of his mouth that would make Bruce Campbell green with envy.

Featuring more spit-takes than a Mel Brooks film, DEATHSTALKER II predates the overtly campy and anachronistic, but significantly more wholesome, television fantasy outings such as Jack of all Trades (2000). Matter of fact, you could easily make the case that Campbell didn’t really fall into his shtick until after DEATHSTALKER II arrived on the scene. Sure, he was always a wisecracking goombah, but it wasn’t until well after 1987 that he fully developed his mock-heroic gimmick that mirrors Terlesky’s turn as Deathstalker.

The climax of the film features lines filched from GOLDFINGER (1964), gags lifted from Looney Tunes, a duel inspired by Errol Flynn and a pitched battle between what is left of Jarek’s guards and the tribe of Amazon warriorettes, with intricate fight choreography that must have taken a staggering amount of minutes to prepare.  At the same time, I really can’t poke fun at the film for its liberties, since it does a pretty good job doing that itself. If made today, this would come off so self-obsessed and terminally hip that it would drown in the mire of its own self-infatuation. Here Wynorski deftly avoids those pitfalls and turns in a film that has plenty of oddly clever moments thrown into the cauldron of comedy. When Jarek’s one-eyed henchman decides he needs to “call him right now”, he pulls some coins out of his pocket, contemplates them for a moment and tosses them into a mist-covered pool conjuring up Jarek’s visage. It’s sort of a magical medieval payphone gag that is a total throw-away, but it’s kinda funny in a cartoon sort of way.

Unfortunately, the huge success of this film on video didn’t exactly translate to Terlesky’s career, but it did wonders for Wynorski who went on to make SCREAM QUEEN HOT TUB PARTY (1991) and 976-EVIL II (1992). Uhhhmmmm… yeah… bus crash, evil twin, I’m tellin’ ya, it all makes sense. 

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Clonin' the Barbarian: BARBARIAN QUEEN (1985)

One of the great things about Roger Corman is never really sought to exploit any successes his various studios brought him.  Haha, are you kidding me?  Dude loved himself some money so if anything made him more than $10 you know he was all over trying to figure out how to make some more.  When the CONAN rip-off DEATHSTALKER proved to be a surprise box office success, Corman made sure to get no less than 3 sequels out (we will be hitting those in a bit).  But even before that he sought to cash in on certain elements of that film’s charm (including but not limited to Lana Clarkson’s breasts) by getting BARBARIAN QUEEN rolling on the same sets down in Argentina (hey, these things ain’t gonna use themselves).

BARBARIAN QUEEN opens with a peaceful village preparing for the wedding of Amethea (Clarkson) to town studmuffin Prince Argan (Frank Zagarino, PROJECT: SHADOWCHASER deity).  Wouldn’t that make her Barbarian Princess?  Oh crap…peaceful village…wedding day…damn, this place is fixing to get attacked any second now.  Indeed, the henchmen of evil Lord Arrakur (Armando Capo) arrive on cue and start messing folks up.  The village is torched and Argan watches as Amethea is burned alive in a hut before he and all the village men are taken away as a slaves.  Honestly, he looks like he could care less and is probably angrier he is losing the catering deposit.

Hey, the flick only lasts 71 minutes so they gotta get moving.  Of course, we can’t go offing our heroine right away so she survives and bands together with Tiniara (Susana Traverso) and Estrild (Katt Shea) to quickly save her (shell-shocked after being raped) sister Taramis (Dawn Dunlap). These four women warriors head off to Arrakur’s city in order to free the men. Wait a sec, that Boris Vallejo poster has 5 women warriors on it.  I’ve been duped…let me speak to the manager!

Along the way the ladies encounter a young girl whose one-armed father is leading a rather resistant resistance (he is always saying stuff like, “Now is not the time.”).  She sneaks the female crew into the city where they find out that Arrakur is training the captured men to fight in some gladiator-type games.  Hey, that ain’t so bad.  Free room and board and all the exercise you can handle.  Oh, it’s to the death?  Okay, that sucks.  The women make their plan to help the men escape, but Taramis ruins it by getting all batty and everyone gets captured.  Estrild is forced into a brothel while Amethea is held by deranged scientist Zohar (Tony Middleton) for some kinky “experiments.”  These involve chaining her to a rack and tickling her nipple with suspended metal hand.  Hmmm, I think I saw that website online. Meanwhile, Taramis has become Arrakur’s top candidate for his Courtesan of the Month club. Of course, how can you refuse a girl who, when asked what she wants, replies, “Will you get me a dog to play with? No, a cat. I should love to have a cat.”  Uh, you really think she is worth saving, Amethea?

You can’t keep Amethea tied down though as she has a few tricks up her, uh, panties.  No joke, she escapes from Zohar when he rapes her and she squeezes his penis with her vagina with so much pressure that he is forced to release her.  Damn, I think I dated her. Anyway, the three ladies finally team back up and get their plan back in motion.  This time the resistance even offers to help (begrudgingly, no doubt).  Hiding in shrouds, the ladies get ready to strike the day of the gladiator fights.  Arrakur greets his people and tells them he planned this to-the-death event to help celebrate the town’s 20th anniversary.  Wait, what?  Dude commemorates anniversaries with multiple deaths?  Oh, that’s right – 50th anniversary is gold, 25th is silver and 20th is blood.  No wonder he is single.  Somehow I think this party isn’t going to go his way this year though.

Clocking in at a scant 71 minutes, BARBARIAN QUEEN is all business from the opening scene.  I’m sure Corman got the wheels rolling on this the second he heard RED SONJA was getting made. And I actually prefer BQ to SONJA.  I mean, this at least has nudity. Screenwriter Howard Cohen did nearly all of Corman’s b-movie barbarian flicks and they all seem to have pretty much the same plot (apparently lots of tournaments going on back in the day).  Director Hector Olivera was a producer on DEATHSTALKER and he does a decent enough job here.  The locations in Argentina definitely benefit the production as well.  No, the attacks aren’t going to be on CONAN’s level and you won’t get any expertly choreographed battles.  But it works for me as it is cheesy, sleazy and quick.  Word of warning – the recent Shout Factory DVD (coupled with THE WARRIOR AND THE SORCERESS) offers a version that is ten minutes shorter and excises a lot of the violence and nudity.  Uh, what’s the point?

The film’s biggest asset is obviously the alluring Clarkson.  Not only is she easy on the eyes, but she has the acting chops to carry the film.  Corman definitely knew what audiences liked from DEATHSTALKER and the Vestron VHS cover proudly declares “the blonde beauty of DEATHSTALKER is back!” (hey, how do audiences know they aren’t talking about Rick Hill?).  She gives it her all, best showcased by her sword swinging skills during the fight scenes.  Clarkson would return a few years later in the in-name-only sequel BARBARIAN QUEEN II (1992).  In a perfect world, these films would be her legacy but that is, sadly, not the case. Clarkson is now more famous for being the shooting victim of asshole record producer Phil Spector.  RIP Barbarian Queen.

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Clonin' the Barbarian: deleted beheading from CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982)

Most film shoots usually end up with more footage than they need for the final product and you usually end up with stuff on the cutting room floor.  CONAN THE BARBARIAN is no exception as even Arnold said they had enough footage to make a 4 hour movie.

What is interesting in this tiny example of "chopping block" footage is that it is an example of the filmmaker's using a bit of self-censorship.  Legendary for its violence, CONAN actually lost a tiny bit during the pit fighting montage where Conan fights a woman.  Not only does he defeat her, but he cuts off her head and shows it to the bloodthirsty crowd. Interestingly, I hear this was also how Schwarzenegger hoped to campaign for Governor of California.  The filmmakers actually felt it was a bit too excessive and, while they didn't mind him being a barbarian, the thought of Conan the Lady Killer (literally) was a bit too much.  So they trimmed it down and slyly edited it so you never see he is actually fighting a woman.  If you want the scoop on even more excised CONAN THE BARBARIAN bits, check out this excellent rundown at this Conan fansite.

Promotional stills of the beheading:

Behind the scenes pic:

Fan edit video:

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Clonin' the Barbarian: WIZARDS AND WARRIORS (1983)

As we mentioned in our Indiana Jones rip-offs coverage, the folks working on the boobtube also liked to get in on that carbon copy action.  CBS got Indiana-fever in the fall of 1982 with the adventure series BRING ‘EM BACK ALIVE.  It only lasted one season. Ironically, its mid-season replacement in February 1983 was the fantasy series WIZARDS AND WARRIORS, the Big Eye’s attempt to the cash in on the sword and sorcery crazy begat by the likes of CONAN THE BARBARIAN and Dungeons and Dragons.  Can you guess how that worked out?

WIZARDS AND WARRIORS focused on Prince Erik Greystone (Jeff Conaway, of GREASE and TAXI fame; really!) who has to deal with ditzy Princess Ariel (Julia Duffy) in the Kingdom of Camarand.  Naturally, villainy is afoot in the form of Prince Dirk Blackpool (Duncan Regehr), who is assisted wizard Vector (Clive Revell) in his attempts to thwart the neighboring kingdom.  Helping Erik along the way is his faithful servant Marko (Walter Olkewicz).

Originally developed under the title GREYSTONE’S ODYSSEY, WIZARDS was created by veteran TV writer-producer Don Reo. While it was developed in 1981 pre-CONAN release, there is no doubt that seeing the Cimmerian rack up over $100 million worldwide at the box office that got the series the green light. I’ve never actually had a chance to see this show, but all information indicates it maintained a much lighter, comedic tone than stuff like CONAN THE BARBARIAN.  As producer Reo told Starlog of the show:

“Actually, it’s nowhere near Monty Python’s broad humor, but then again, it’s nowhere near as somber and serious as CONAN.  It’s smack dab in the middle between the two, though we don’t have CONAN’s elaborate stunt action.”

CBS certainly seemed to be behind the project as it was – at the time – the most expensive TV series on television with the pilot being budgeted at $2.5 million and each subsequent episode costing roughly $1 million to produce.  To cut costs, they even used battle footage from Warner Bros. feature EXCALIBUR.

Unfortunately, the CBS execs maintained their programming ineptitude from the previous season.  Like the aforementioned ALIVE, WIZARDS didn’t stand much of a chance as the brains again programmed it against established popular shows on a Saturday night (ABC’s T.J. HOOKER and NBC’s DIFF’RENT STROKES and SILVER SPOONS). That is like spending tons of money to teach me to play basketball and then putting me in a game of one-on-one with LeBron James.  It is a shame too as the series garnered positive reviews (see below).  Even more ironic, this type of fantasy-comedy mix proved to be a rousing success just a few years later with Rob Reiner’s THE PRINCESS BRIDE (the source novel for that film being an inspiration for producer Reo here).  The show was yanked after only airing eight episodes, but has maintained a small cult following over the ensuing years.  If you look hard enough, you can find people selling the episodes online and, if it really entrances you, there is an in-depth fan site to check out.

Variety review, March 2, 1983:

Cinefantastique review (click for full size):

Starlog coverage (click for full size):

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Clonin' the Barbarian: Universal's THE ADVENTURES OF CONAN live show

Yes, sir, the 80s ruled! Universal Studios Hollywood cranked out this 20-minute stage show to cash in on the success of their box office hero with some gymnastics and pyrotechnics.  "And just wait until you see our dragon!"  This is ripe stuff, from the fire breathing dragon to the powerful smoke that turns you from a scrawny kid to a muscle bound hero (and makes your shirt disappear in the process).  Seriously, if I saw this when I was 9-years-old, I might have died.  The only thing missing from this awesomeness on display in the promotional video below are some rockin' tunes by Sorcery! It managed an impressive decade long run at the park from 1983-1993 and was eventually replaced Beetlejuice's Rock and Roll Graveyard Review.  Hey, isn't he a Warner Bros. character?  Bad move, Universal, bad move.

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Clonin' the Barbarian: DEATHSTALKER (1983)

In the realm of CONAN knock-offs there is a lot of latitude to be just plain odd. As long as some really basic requirements were met, screenwriters were  allowed to run free and explore their own personal fantasies and throw out the strangest nonsense to hit the screen in years. Nobody did this better than the Italians, but Roger Corman cannot be accused of not making the effort and screenwriter Howard R. Cohen (who went on to script the equally outlandish 1985 classic BARBARIAN QUEEN) was right in there with him. Clearly knowing that he can’t totally out-weird the Italians, Corman goes for some his trade-mark tongue in cheek humor. And speaking of cheek, there is more bare ass on display here than a nursery at changing time. But I’m getting ahead of myself... or behind, rather. The icing on the cake would be the casting of the superhot Playboy covergirl Barbi Benton, who amazingly was never actually a Playmate, but was every bit as famous after gracing no less than three covers. I remember back in the day, that was the main selling point and the first thing anyone mentioned when the film came up in conversation. Without her, this film would have never been as successful as it was. DEATHSTALKER's opening weekend recouped the films budget and it went on to gross just under $12 million. If that sounds like chump change compared to films that have opening weekends that rival that number, however $12 million is not even a quarter of the budget of these big studio films. The ratio of budget to gross for DEATHSTALKER is one that studio moguls would push their grandmothers into oncoming traffic for.

Starting off with a stylized chase sequence, a scruffy rapscallion has robbed someone and kidnapped a rather scruffy hottie and is about to have his evil way with her. Suddenly some cave troll looking dudes show up and put the kaibosh on his attempt at some horizontal handiwork. They chase him through the forest, corner him and just when you think his number is up, a muscle-bound warrior with blow-dried hair (Rick Hill) steps in to save the day… by killing all the cave dudes, the thief and setting about trying his luck with raping the girl!

More Conan than CONAN, that’s his motto! Deathstalker’s attempt at some hot medieval love is interrupted by an old man who happens to be the former king of the realm. His throne was usurped by the evil wizard Munkar (Bernard Erhard) and as he tells Deathstalker:
King: “A brave man could get inside Munkar’s castle and kill him!”
Deathstalker: “You need a fool.”
King: “No! A hero!”
Cue orchestral sting and choir. Camera pulls in close on Deathstalkers face...
Deathstalker: “Heroes and fools are the same thing.”

Yep, Deathstalker ain’t gonna have none of that saving the kingdom crap, but rides off in the direction of the castle anyway, beacause, what the hell, there could be some good killing and looting to be had.

On the way he runs into a witch who imparts the wisdom of the Three Powers of Creation. Munkar possesses the Amulet of Life and the Chalice of Magic, but what he doesn’t have is the Sword of Judgement. She knows where he can find it, and if he finds it and unites the three Powers, he “can do anything. You will be the power!” What does that mean? Hell if I know, but it sounds good to Deathstalker!

In one of the oddest moments in the film, Deathstalker finds that a small troll that sounds a bit like a borscht-belt comic guards the sword in a tiny cave. The only way Deathstalker can obtain the sword is by freeing the troll of his curse and turning him back into a man... oh, and defeating the huge troll that is lurking right around the corner. Says the troll, “I can only be led to freedom by a boy who is not a boy.” Wait… what?! What the hell does that mean? No time to worry about that though as the sword turns Deathstalker into an 8-year-old boy who leads the little troll out of the cave. Blinded by the light the troll exclaims “I can’t see” and stumbles face first into a small lake. Wah, wah. Nothin' funnier than a blind man doing a pratfall!

Apparently there are a LOT of people running about in the countryside as Deathstalker rides into a fray between a peppy british chap in a scale-mail midriff named Oghris (Richard Brooker, who previously played Jason Voorhees himself) and a bunch of chowderchinned peasants trying to… wait for it… rape a girl that they have kidnapped! There seems to be a lot of this going around. After Deathstalker saves the day Oghris informs him that there is a tournament at the castle to see who Munkar’s heir will be. Deathstalker, the bright ray of sunshine that he is, tells Oghris that it’s not much of prize since Munkar can’t die. This doesn’t really dampen the Brit’s spirits all that much presumably because they are not in England and all of that sunlight is providing a massive boost of B vitamins to his system. That's my theory, anyway.

On the way, they run into more trouble when they are accosted by a cloaked highway man! A swordfight breaks out only to discover that the cloak hides a bare chested warrior – a bare chested female warrior (Lana Clarkson)! Kaira’s rather unobtrusive thong at first it seem like a very limited defensive piece, however, I suspect that it is really difficult to concentrate on your attack with her bodaciousness jiggling in your face. As luck (or plot convenience) would have it, Kaira is participating in the tournament as well and thus a team is formed! Well, the teamwork between Deathstalker and Kaira might be a little bit stronger as they practice a bit of thrust and parry that evening. Sucks to be Oghris, trying to sleep through that racket. Speaking of racket, the music score by Óscar Cardozo Ocampo is  an integral part of the overall package. Here the big, epic sounding orchestral score punctuated by choir harmonies actually acts as an underscore to the subtle skewering of the genre. Ocampo went on to do Corman's less exciting AMAZONS (1986), but sadly strayed from the genre after that.

Oh and Munkar is evil. How do we know that? Never mind that he has a captured princess, deposed a king and mis-manages his guards by allowing them to sexually harass his harem without even so much as a write up! Nope, aside from the complete lack of pigminatation (dude, step away from World of Warcraft once in a while) and the my-friend-is-learning-how-to-be-a-tattoo-artist ink on the side of his head, he likes to feed fresh eyeballs to his toothy, sock-puppet monster who lives in side a treasure chest. But that doesn’t make him really evil. What makes him really evil, is that he makes his victim watch the feeding process with their one remaining eye. Now that is eeeeeevil!

Before the tournament starts we of course need a feasting sequence. Let’s see, where’s my list? Midgets? Check! Slave girl? Check! Female Mudwrestling? Hell yeah! Damn, this movie is a porn insert short of a Bob Guccione production! In addition to that we have a beefy dude with the head of a pig, a weedy Jewish guy and oh yeah, Barbi Benton chained to a boulder in a Jean Rollin outfit. I suddenly remember why this movie made such an impression on me when I was 13. That and the totally disturbing scene in which Munkar decides the best way to assassinate Robin Ho – err, I mean Deathstalker, is to turn his henchman into Princess Codille (Benton) and attempt to seduce and kill him. Whaaaaa? The punchline to this scene is when the bare-breasted Kaira puts her arm around the half-clad Codille impersonator and consolingly says “let’s get you something to wear.”

The rest of the film is a tournament in which Cohen shows his love for ENTER THE DRAGON (1973) with battles raging between various warriors (and a reworking of the classic final showdown), including a gratifyingly messy end to the skinny Jewish guy whose “comic” overacting is the thankfully brief low point of the film. Speaking of messy ends, there does seem to be some censorship going on here. The villain’s grisly demise is heavily edited to just a few quick cuts and there are several other scenes that look like they should have been gorier. Hopefully this is on the agenda for a Shout! Factory special edition. I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t be. I know why we here at VJ love it so much, but it also seems to have bridged the gap and gone into mainstream acceptance, proving to be one of the most popular movies in the genre leading to three sequels and countless of its own imitators. That is probably the strangest thing of all.

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